ผู้เขียน หัวข้อ: Jokes Archive.....  (อ่าน 67667 ครั้ง)

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Jokes Archive.....
« เมื่อ: 14 มกราคม, 2005, 10:24:51 PM »

http://archive.htg2.com/webboard2/view.php?No=5555


อุ อุ ..... อุตส่าห์ โพสต์ กระทู้ 5555  เรื่อยๆ มาตั้งแต่ เดือน ตุลา 45 ถึง สค 47 ..... พอขึ้น Board ใหม่ ก้อเลยโพสต์ต่อไม่ได้แล้ว ..... คงจะมาต่อท้ายที่กระทู้นี้แทนนะครับ ...... อิ อิ   :-[


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Re: Jokes Archive.....
« ตอบกลับ #1 เมื่อ: 15 มกราคม, 2005, 11:46:21 AM »
คุณ 715 ไม่ copy ทั้งยวง มาแปะไว้ที่นี่เลยอ่ะครับ จะได้ต่อของใหม่ไปด้วยเลยน่ะครับผม...

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Re: Jokes Archive.....
« ตอบกลับ #2 เมื่อ: 15 มกราคม, 2005, 08:30:32 PM »
ประเดิมด้วยเรื่องนี้ก้อแล้วกันนะครับ .... อิ อิ� :-[� �;)


Confession from Khun Too's secretary.


She says "My boss is so sex-crazed. Everytime he comes into the office, I must do the LAPTOP position, and then the DESKTOP position, followed by the SPREADSHEET format. I must LOAD UP his SOFT DISK into a HARD DISK, so that he can INSERT in my C DRIVE and then the A DRIVE.

Then he'll ask me to EJECT his SOFTWARE outside my C DRIVE so that he is VIRUS FREE.

Then he changes his mind and decides to ENTER, ENTER, ENTER the whole day till he is in MICROSOFT stage. Once I tried to ESC (escape) but he caught me and SHIFTED me to his HOME where he started pressing BACKSPACE, and said 'TURNOVER"

Today, many a times he works without CAPSLOCK (without "cap" or "helmet" ) and sometimes as an ALTernative he CRASHES @ my SYSTEM until he looses his

CTRL (control) and again he LOGS IN....This process may continue until I SHUT DOWN his MAIN SYSTEM.





Real Cowboy


An old cowboy went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat there sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked him,

"Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life on the ranch, herding horses, mending fences, and branding cattle, so I guess I am."


She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, watch TV, everything seems to make me think of women."



A little while later, a couple sat down next to the old cowboy and asked him,

"Are you a real cowboy?"




He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian."







VIAGRA'S SIDE EFFECTS

An elderly woman goes to the doctor and asks his help to revive her husband's sex drive.

"What about trying Viagra?" asks the doctor.

"Not a chance" says Mrs. Murphy. "He won't even take an aspirin for a headache."

"No problem," replies the doctor. "Drop it into his coffee, he won't even taste it. Try it and come back in a week to let me know how everything went."

A week later Mrs. Murphy returns to the doctor and he inquires as to how her love life has been.

"Oh it was terrible, just terrible doctor."

"What happened?" asks the doctor.

"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee. The effect was immediate. He jumped straight up, swept the cutlery off the table, at the same time ripping my clothes off and then proceeded to make passionate love to me on the tabletop. It was terrible."

"What was terrible?" said the doctor, "Was the sex not good?"



"Oh no doctor, the sex was the best I've had in 25 years, ......

......but I'll never be able to show my face in McDonald's again. "



 
โดยคุณ Jokesmonster� เสาร์ที่ 26 ต.ค. 45 (11:30 น.)�





Gorilla on the Roof

As he was quietly watching television at home, a chap hears a sound on the roof of his house and rushes out to investigate. Seeing it was a fair sized gorilla tearing the shingles off his home he promptly calls up the local zoo authorities to inform them one of their animals had escaped.

He is reassured that a gorilla recovery unit is on the way and is told to remain calm.

A few minutes later, an old beat up truck, displaying the Gorilla recovery unit logo on its panels, pulls up to the house.

The elderly driver proceed to recover from the back of the truck, a chihuaha dog, a pair of handcuffs, a ladder, a baseball bat and a 12 gauge shotgun.

Puzzled on how this lone elderly was to solve the problem of this gorilla who had by now torn half the roof apart, the chap ask him how he will go about doing this.

As he hands him over the .12 gauge shotgun, the zoo employee explains the plan:

- First I'll climb up there with the ladder;

- Then I approach the gorilla and knock him off the roof using the baseball bat;

- As soon as the gorilla hits the ground, the specially trained chihuaha dog will attack its private parts;

- When I get back on the ground, the gorilla will have lowered it's hands to it's groin area to protect itself thus making it easy for me to slip on the handcuffs;

- Then, I lead him to the truck, lock him up and take him back to the zoo...

Amazed at the procedure, the somewhat startled house owner, 'asks why he was handed the 12 gauge shotgun?

"Well... " explains the experienced gorilla retriever,

" It's just a precaution should thing not go exactly as planned.

In the unlikely event that once on the roof the gorilla knocks me off with the baseball bat -


Shoot the dog...



 
โดยคุณ Jokesmonster เสาร์ที่ 26 ต.ค. 45 (11:08 น.)






Substance: Woman

MATERIAL SAFETY DATA SHEET

Workplace Hazardous Materials Information System
----------------------------------------------------------------------

Substance: Woman

Manufacturer: God

Typical Size: Average weight 115 lbs.; specimens can vary from 90 to over 200 lbs.

Occurrence: Large quantities found in urban areas and shopping malls.


PHYSICAL PROPERTIES:
--------------------
1. Surface Tension--soft and warm.
2. Exposed surfaces usually cosmetically enhanced.
3. Boils at nothing.
4. Freezes without reason.
5. Melts with special reason.
6. Flavor initially sweet, becomes bitter if used incorrectly.
7. Found in various states of purity from virgin metal to common ore.
8. Yields to pressure applied to specific points.
9. Sometimes enlarges alarmingly with age.
10. Even brief linking with male substance can cause substance to reproduce with marked physical and mental changes.


CHEMICAL PROPERTIES:
-----------------------
1. Has affinity for gold, silver, and precious stones.
2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
3. Highly volatile for reasons not clearly understood.
4. Verbal activity greatly increased by alcohol saturation.
5. Most powerful money-reducing agent known (See HAZARDS, #3)

COMMON USES:
-----------------------
1. Highly ornamental.
2. Relatively brief exposure can be a great aid to relaxation.
3. Pleasurable companion until legally owned.

SUBSTANCE VERIFICATION:
-----------------------
1. Pure specimen turns bright pink when observed in natural state.
2. Turns green when compared to better specimen.

HAZZARDS:
-----------------------
1. May explode spontaneously without cause.
2. Illegal to possess more than one specimen at a time.
3. Avoid specimen contact with plastic credit cards: Normal

 
โดยคุณ Jokesmonster เสาร์ที่ 26 ต.ค. 45 (11:09 น.)�



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Re: Jokes Archive.....
« ตอบกลับ #3 เมื่อ: 15 มกราคม, 2005, 08:32:12 PM »

On the way, a car zoomed by and the tourist responded,

"Ohhh! TOYOTA!! Made in Japan!! Very fast!"


Not too long afterward, another car flew by the taxi.

"Ohh! NISSAN!! Made in Japan!! Very fast!"


Yet another car zipped by, and the tourist said,

"Ohh! Mitsubishi!! Made in Japan!! Very fast!"


The taxi driver, who was 100% American, was starting to get a little miffed that the Japanese made cars were passing his Chevy, when yet another car passed the taxi as they were turning into the airport.

"Ohh! Honda!! Made in Japan!! Very fast!"


The taxi driver stopped the car, pointed to the meter, and said, "That'll be $150."


"$150? It was so short a ride! Why so much?"



"Taxi meter. Made in Japan. Very fast."


 
โดยคุณ Jokesmonster  เสาร์ที่ 26 ต.ค. 45 (11:11 น.) 





The Rules of Bedroom Golf


1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play.

2. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.

3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out.

4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.

5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to the hole.

6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that play is completed. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.

7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course with special attention to well formed bunkers.

8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played, or are currently playing, to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage players equipment for this reason.

9. Players are encouraged to bring proper rain gear for their own protection.

10. Players should ensure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing on what they considered to be a private course.

11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternative means of play when this is the case.

12. The course owners is responsible for manicuring and pruning any bush around the hole to allow for improved viewing of alignment with, and approach to the hole.

13. Players are advised to obtain the course owners permission before attempting to play the back nine.

14. Slow play is encouraged. However, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owners request.

15. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.
 
โดยคุณ Jokesmonster เสาร์ที่ 26 ต.ค. 45 (11:13 น.)



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Re: Jokes Archive.....
« ตอบกลับ #4 เมื่อ: 15 มกราคม, 2005, 08:34:03 PM »
AZORES MOUNTAIN OYSTERS


One day, an American was touring Spain. After his day's sightseeing, he stopped at a local restaurant. While sipping his wine, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.

He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"

The waiter replied, " Ah senior, you have excellent taste! Those are bull's balls from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"

The American, though momentarily daunted, when he learned the origin of the dish said, "What the hell, I'm on vacation! Bring me an order!"

The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senior. There is only one serving a day since there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to serve you this delicacy!"

The next morning, the American returned, placed his order and was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, He called to the waiter and said,

"These are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"

The waiter promptly replied,





"Si senior! Sometimes the bull wins!"

 
โดยคุณ Jokesmonster เสาร์ที่ 26 ต.ค. 45 (11:15 น.)





Infant....

Mark decided to propose to Juanita, but prior to her acceptance, Juanita had to confess to her man about her childhood illness.

She informed Mark that she suffered a disease that left her breasts at the maturity of a 12 year old.

He stated that it was OK because he loved her so much.

However, Mark felt this was also the time for him to open up and admit that he also had a deformity too.

Mark looked Juanita in the eyes and said,

"I too have a problem. My p*n*s is the same size as an infant and I hope you could deal with that once we are married."

She said "Yes, I would marry you and learn to live with your infant size p*n*s."


Juanita and Mark got married and they could not wait for the honeymoon. Mark whisked Juanita off to their hotel suite and they started touching, teasing, holding one another. .....

As Juanita put her hands in Mark's pants, she began to scream and ran out of the room.
Mark ran after her to find out what was wrong.


She stated to Mark

"You told me your p*n*s was the size of an infant!"


Mark said



"Yes it is... 8 pounds,7 ounces and 19 inches long!!"



 
โดยคุณ Jokesmonster เสาร์ที่ 26 ต.ค. 45 (11:16 น.)
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Re: Jokes Archive.....
« ตอบกลับ #5 เมื่อ: 15 มกราคม, 2005, 08:37:16 PM »
Buying the Farm...


A city slicker wanted to buy a farm. He found just what he was looking for. During an inspection of the property, however, he found a hive of bees.

He told the owner that he was deathly afraid of bees, and there was no way he could consider this piece of land.

The landowner assured him that the bees were completely harmless, but the buyer would have no part of it.

Finally, the landowner made an offer. The buyer would allow himself to be tied to a tree for an hour, nude, under the nest. So sure of the friendliness of his bees was the farmer that if ONE bee were to sting him, the farm would be his for free.

The buyer thought it over and decided it was worth the risk.

An hour later, the farmer walked out to the tree and saw the poor guy slumped over in his bindings. Fearing the worst, he ran up to him and asked if he had been stung.

The city fella looked up and weakly said,

"No... the bees never touched me - but doesn't that cลlf have a mother !?!"

 
โดยคุณ Jokesmonster เสาร์ที่ 26 ต.ค. 45 (11:18 น.)�





There was this guy,Tom, who really loved his girlfriend. He loved her so much that he wanted to tattoo her name,"Wendy" on his d*ck.

So he went to his friend who specializes in tattooing. His friend then suggested doing the tattoo while his +++ is erected so that the name can be tattooed bigger and clearer. Tom agreed and went to erect his +++ and had "Wendy" tattooed on it. He was very satisfied, there was a "Wy" on his +++ when not erected and he dreamt of surprising his girlfriend by showing her the change from "Wy" to "Wendy" when he gets hard.

So he called her quickly and arranged a meeting that evening.

Before their date, he went to the toilet to piss and there he met this American with a "Wy" on his di*k too, when he was pissing at the urinal.

Thinking that this American might have tattooed his girlfriend's name too, Tom confronted him. The American denied, saying that it is not Tom's girlfriend's name.

Tom wouldn't accept verbal denial and suggested erecting both their +++s to compare. The American agreed and they both started arousing themselves. Tom was first to erect and was proud to show the American, saying,

" Look, this is my girlfriend's name, Wendy."

The American soon erected his +++ and showed to Tom and said,

" Look, it is not your girlfriend's name." It said,

" Welcome to America and have a nice day".

 
โดยคุณ Jokesmonster� เสาร์ที่ 26 ต.ค. 45 (11:20 น.)�

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Re: Jokes Archive.....
« ตอบกลับ #6 เมื่อ: 15 มกราคม, 2005, 08:39:19 PM »
An elderly couple is vacationing in Sun City West. Sam always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly. Upon arriving home, he walks into their room and says to his wife, "Notice anything different, Bessie?"

Bessie looks him over, "Nope."

Sam says excitedly, "Come on, Bessie, take a good look. Notice anything different about me?"

Bessie looks again, "Nope."

Frustrated, Sam storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for his cowboy boots. Again, he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different?"

Bessie looks up and says, "Sam, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."

Furious, Sam yells, "And do you know why its hanging down, Bessie? Iys hanging down because its looking at my new cowboy boots!!!"


To which Bessie replies, "Shoulda bought a hat, Sam. Shoulda bought a hat!"

 

โดยคุณ Jokesmonster เสาร์ที่ 26 ต.ค. 45 (11:21 น.)









Let's Drink Beer...


A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.

This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular culling of the weakest members.

In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast asthe slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.

In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.


That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers .... ! ! !

 
โดยคุณ Jokesmonster เสาร์ที่ 26 ต.ค. 45 (11:23 น.)�






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Re: Jokes Archive.....
« ตอบกลับ #7 เมื่อ: 15 มกราคม, 2005, 08:42:07 PM »
WHAT A PIG!


A salesman is lost in a rural area and stops at a farm to get directions. As he is talking to the farmer he notices a pig with a wooden leg.

"How did the pig get a wooden leg?", he asks the farmer.

"Well," says the farmer, "that is a very special pig. One night not too long ago we had a fire start in the barn. Well, sir, that pig set up a great squealing that woke everyone, and by the time we got there he had herded all the other animals out of the barn and saved everyone of them."

"And that was when he hurt his leg?" asked the salesman.

"Oh no" says the farmer. "He was fine after that. Though a while later I was in the woods out back and a bear attacked me. Well, sir, that pig was near by and he came running and set on that bear and chased him off. Saved me for sure."

"So the bear injured his leg then." says the salesman.

"Oh no. He came away without a scratch from that. Though a few days later my tractor turned over in a ditch and I was knocked unconscious. Well, that pig dove into the ditch and pulled me out before I drown."

"So he hurt his leg then?" asks the salesman.

"Oh no," says the farmer.

"So how did he get the wooden leg?" the salesman asks.


"Well", the farmer tells him,

"A pig like that, you don't want to eat all at once."

 
โดยคุณ Jokesmonster� เสาร์ที่ 26 ต.ค. 45 (11:24 น.)�






Texan Cowboy

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.

"Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse ?!?!?" ....he yelled with surprising forcefulness. No one answered.

"Alright, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!"

Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post.
He saddled up and started to ride out of town.

The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked,

"Say partner, before you go, what happened in Texas?"

The cowboy turned back and said,



"I had to walk home."




โดยคุณ Jokesmonster� เสาร์ที่ 26 ต.ค. 45 (11:25 น.)�



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Re: Jokes Archive.....
« ตอบกลับ #8 เมื่อ: 15 มกราคม, 2005, 08:45:19 PM »

The Fence


An elderly couple is enjoying an anniversary dinner together in a small tavern. The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this tavern where you leaned against the fence and I made love to you from behind?"

"Yes," she says, "I remember it well."

"OK," he says, "How about taking a stroll 'round there again and we can
do it for old time's sake."

"Oooooooh Henry, you devil, that sounds like a good idea," she answers.

There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this, and having a chuckle to himself.

He thinks, 'I've got to see this...two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so's there's no trouble.'

So he follows them. They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks. Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt, takes her knickers down and the old man drops his trousers. She turns around and as she hangs on to the fence, the old man moves in. Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman has ever seen. They are bucking and jumping like eighteen-year-olds. This goes on for about forty minutes! She's yellling, "Ohhhh, God!"

He's hanging on to her hips for dear life. This is the most athletic sex imaginable. Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life that he didn't know. He starts to think about his own aged parents and wonders whether they still have sex like this. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.


The policeman, still watching thinks, 'That was truly amazing, he was going like a train. I've got to ask him what his secret is.'


As the couple pass, he says to them, "That was something else, you must have been shagging for about forty minutes.How do you manage it? You must have had a fantastic life together. Is there some sort of secret?"

"No, there's no secret," the old man says,



"except that fifty years ago that damn fence wasn't electric."

 
โดยคุณ Jokesmonster� เสาร์ที่ 26 ต.ค. 45 (11:27 น.)







Rattle Snake

It was spring in the old west. The cowboys rode the still snow choked trails looking for cattle that survived the winter.

As one cowboy's horse went around the narrow trail, it came upon a rattlesnake warming itself in the spring sunshine. The horse reared and the cowboy drew his six-gun to shoot the snake.

"Hold on there, partner," said the snake, "don't shoot- I'm an enchanted rattlesnake, and if you don't shoot me, I'll give you any three wishes you want."

The cowboy decided to take a chance. He knew he was safely out of the snake's striking range. He said,

"OK, first, I'd like to have a face like Clark Gable, then, I'd like a build like Arnold Schwarzenegger, and finally, I'd like sexual equipment like this here horse I'm riding."

The rattlesnake said, "All right, when you get back to the bunk house you'll have all three wishes."

The cowboy turned his horse around and galloped at full speed all the way to the bunk house. He dismounted on the run and went straight inside to the mirror.

Staring back at him in the mirror was the face of Clark Gable.

He ripped the shirt off his back and revealed bulging, rippling muscles, just like Arnold Schwarzenegger. Really excited now, he tore down his jeans, looked at his crotch and shouted...


"Oh My God... I was riding the MARE! "
 

โดยคุณ Jokesmonster� เสาร์ที่ 26 ต.ค. 45 (11:29 น.)�

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« ตอบกลับ #9 เมื่อ: 15 มกราคม, 2005, 08:50:24 PM »

The Number 1 Actual Answering Machine Message Recorded and Verified by The World Famous International Institute of Answering Machine Messages.

.... Hello, you've reached Sam and Vickey. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Vickey likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right... real slowly.

So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth, we'll call you back.....








A little boy went up to his father and asked:

'Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?''


The father replied: 'Well, son, you must have gotten it from your mother, 'cause I still have mine.''







MILK MACHINE

 Lewis's cousin, the farmer, ordered a high-tech milking machine. Since the equipment arrived when his wife was out of town, he decided to test it on himself first.

So, he inserted his p*n*s into the equipment, turned the switch on and everything else was automatic.

Soon, he realized that the equipment provided him with as much pleasure as his wife did. When the fun was over, though, he quickly realized that he couldn't remove the instrument from his p*n*s.

He read the manual but didn't find any useful information. He tried every button on the instrument, but still without success. Finally, the farmer decided to call the supplier's Customer Service Hot Line.

"Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It works fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow's udder?"

"Don't worry," replied the customer service rep,



"The machine will release automatically once it's collected two gallons."


 
โดยคุณ Jokesmonster [ เสาร์ที่ 26 ต.ค. 45 (11:34 น.)�



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« ตอบกลับ #10 เมื่อ: 15 มกราคม, 2005, 08:52:45 PM »

In Egypt, there was an army camp located far away from the city. In this camp there were soldiers and a commander. Three months, they lived and there was no sign of women around the camp.

One day the commander got very horny and called one of his soldiers over.

He asks, "Hey soldier, what do you and your friends do when you get horny? I'm so sick and tired of masturbating".

"Oh, we use the camels that we have on our camp sir", the soldier replied.

"That is so disgusting, how can you do that to such an ugly and smelly animal, get out of here!" the commander shouts angrily.

However, when the fifth month rolled by and there was still no sign of any women, the commander could not resist his desire any longer.

He called in the same soldier and asks, "Hey soldier, where's the camel? Take me to it".

The soldier took him to the camel and the commander quickly strips off his pants and f***s the camel.

After he's done he asks the soldier with a big grin on his face,

"How was my performance, was it better than you and the other soldiers?"

"It was very good, sir." the soldier replied,



"Except, we usually ride the camel to the city to get some girl."


 
โดยคุณ Jokesmonster  เสาร์ที่ 26 ต.ค. 45 (11:36 น.) 




Three Honeymoons


A mother had 3 daughters. They were all getting married within a short time period. Because mom was a bit worried about how their sex lives would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt.

The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but ........"Nescafe."

Mom was puzzled at first, but then went to the kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar. It said: .........."Good till the last drop."

Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.

The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the card read: .........."Benson & Hedges."

Mom now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes, and she read from the Benson & Hedges pack:.......... "Extra Long. King Size."

She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.

The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. Mom waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by, and still nothing. Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived. Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words: .........."British Airways."

Mom took out her latest Harper's Bazaar magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for the airline. The ad said:



"Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways." ........

 
โดยคุณ Jokesmonster  เสาร์ที่ 26 ต.ค. 45 (11:37 น.) 

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« ตอบกลับ #11 เมื่อ: 15 มกราคม, 2005, 08:54:41 PM »


THE RODEO POSITION


Two cowboys are talking over a beer, discussing various sex positions.

The first cowboy says his favorite position is the "rodeo."

The other cowboy asks what the position is, and how to do it?

The first cowboy says, "You tell your wife to get on the bed on all fours and then do it doggy style. Once things start to get under way and she's
really enjoying it, lean forward, grab her by her hair and whisper in herear,

'Your sister likes this position too.'

Then try to hang on for 8 seconds."


 
โดยคุณ Jokesmonster  เสาร์ที่ 26 ต.ค. 45 (11:38 น.) 






INDIAN EARS

Two cowboys come upon an Indian lying on his stomach with his ear to the ground. One of the cowboys stops and says to the other, "You see that Indian?"

"Yeah," says the other cowboy.

"Look," says the first one, "he's listening to the ground.

He can hear things for miles in any direction."

Just then the Indian looks up. "Covered wagon," he says, "about two miles away. Have two horses, one brown, one white. Man, woman, child, household effects in wagon."

"Incredible!" says the cowboy to his friend. "This Indian knows how far away they are, how many horses, what color they are, who is in the wagon, and what is in the wagon. Amazing!"

The Indian looks up and says,



"Ran over me about a half hour ago."

 
โดยคุณ Jokesmonster  เสาร์ที่ 26 ต.ค. 45 (11:39 น.) 
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« ตอบกลับ #12 เมื่อ: 15 มกราคม, 2005, 08:56:26 PM »


It's October, and an Indian chief thinks it's going to be a cold winter. So he instructs his tribe to collect wood.

To double check his prediction, the chief calls the National Weather Service and asks a meteorologist if the winter is going to be a cold one.

The man responds, "According to our indicators, we think it might."

So the chief tells his people to find extra wood, just in case. A week later he calls the National Weather Service again, and they confirm that a harsh winter is headed their way.

The chief orders all his people to scavenge every scrap of wood they can.

Two weeks later he calls the National Weather Service again and asks,

"Are you absolutely sure this winter is going to be very cold?"

"Absolutely," the man replies.


"The Indians are collecting wood like crazy."





Hoya Toya

A man was on his first business trip to Japan, and he decided to check out the local Whore House. He walked in and was assigned a young girl with a body that got him "up" immediately. As soon as they reached the room, he started ripping her clothes off and going to town.

Moaning and grunting, the girl was screaming in Japanese, "Hoya Toya !.... Hoya Toya ! "

He was sure that she was praising him for his good job, so he kept going harder than ever.

Later, he went golfing with his boss and a few clients.

As the clients were Japanese, he decided to impress them with his new knowledge of their language. When one of them got a hole in one, he raised his arms and shouted " Hoya Toya ! ".

All of the men looked at him quizzically, and one of them asked,


"Why are you shouting ....'wrong hole' ...? "



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« ตอบกลับ #13 เมื่อ: 15 มกราคม, 2005, 08:58:54 PM »

How They " Do It " ?

Accountants do it with Double Entry

Acupuncturists do it with a small prick

Ambulance drivers come quicker

Australians do it Down Under

Bach did it using the organ

Bankers do it with interest

Bartenders do it on the Rocks

Batman does it using his Robin

Bookkeepers do it for the record

Bosses delegate the task to others

Chess players check their Mates

Cops do it with cuffs

DJs do it on request

Deep-sea divers do it under extreme pressure
Dentists do it orally

Detectives do it under cover

Don't do it with Bankers, most of them are Tellers

Elevator men do it up and down

Engineers do it to specifications

Engineers do it to a first order approximation

Firemen do it with a big hose

Frank Sinatra does it his way

Garbagemen come twice a week

Gardeners do it on the bushes

Gas attendants Pump all day

Golfers do it in 18 holes

Landlords do it every 1st of the month

Managers make others do it

Marketing reps do it on commission

Pizza delivery man comes in 30 minutes or it's free

Teachers do it with class

Waiters and waitresses do it for tips

Zoologists do it with animals







Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.

"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?" says Holmes.

Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you Holmes?"

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke.

"Watson, you idiot. Some one has stolen our tent."

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« ตอบกลับ #14 เมื่อ: 15 มกราคม, 2005, 09:00:37 PM »

Noah's ARK


When the ark's door was closed Noah called a meeting with all the animals.

"Listen up!" Noah said with a demanding voice.

"There will be NO sex on this trip. All of you males take off your penis and hand it in to my sons. I will sit over there and write you a receipt. After we see land, you can get your penis back."

After about a week Mr. Rabbit stormed into his wife's cage and was very excited.

"Quick!" he said, "Get on my shoulders and look out the window to see if there is any land out there!"

Mrs. Rabbit got onto his shoulders, looked out the window, and said, "Sorry, no land yet."

"Damn!", exclaimed Mr. Rabbit.

This went on every day until Mrs. Rabbit got fed up with him. Mrs. Rabbit asked,

"What is the matter with you ? You know it will rain for forty days and nights. Only after the water has drained will we be able to see land. Why are you acting so excited every day?"

"Look!" said Mr. Rabbit with a sly expression, as he held out a piece of paper,


"I GOT THE HORSE'S RECEIPT!"





Dirty Old Guy...

A woman decided to have a face lift for her birthday. She spent $5000 and felt really good about the results. On her way home she stopped at a dress shop to look around. As she was leaving, she said to the sales clerk,

"I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 35," was the reply.

"I'm actually 47," the woman said, feeling really happy.

After that she went into McDonalds for lunch and asked the order taker the same question. He replied,

"Oh, you look about 29."

"I am actually 47!" she said, feeling really good.

While standing at the bus stop she asked an old man the same question. He replied,

"I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a woman's age. If I put my hand up your skirt I will be able to tell your exact age."

There was no one around, so the woman said, "What the hell?" and let him slip his hand up her skirt.

After feeling around for a while, the old man said, "OK, You are 47."

Stunned, the woman said,

"That was brilliant! How did you do that?"



The old man replied,

"I was behind you in line at McDonalds."


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« ตอบกลับ #15 เมื่อ: 15 มกราคม, 2005, 09:02:37 PM »

Tennis Elbow


Bob complained to his friend

"My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor."

His friend offered, "Don't do that!!! There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything, quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10.00."

Bob figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The computer started making some noises and the various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed:

You have tennis elbow

Soak your arm in warm water.

Avoid heavy labor

It will be better in two weeks.

Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The machine again made the usual noise and printed out the following analysis:

Your tap water is too hard

Get a water softener.

Your dog has worms

Give him vitamins.

Your daughter's on drugs,

Put her in rehab.

Your wife's pregnant

It ain't yours---get a lawyer.

And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better.


 


Military Retirement

The Pentagon recently found it had too many generals and offered an early retirement bonus. They promised any general who retired straight away his full annual benefits plus $10,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two parts of the general's body, with the general getting to select any pair of points he wished.

The first man, an Air Force general, accepted. He asked the pension man to measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. Six feet. He walked out with a check of $720,000.

The second man, an Army general, asked them to measure from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. Eight feet. He walked out with a check for $960,000.

When the third general, a grizzled old Marine, was asked where to measure, he told the pension man ...

"From the tip of my p*n*s to the bottom of my testicles."

The pension man suggested that perhaps the Marine general might like to reconsider, pointing out the nice checks the previous two generals had received. The Marine insisted and the pension expert said that would be fine, but that he'd better get the medical officer to do the measuring.

The medical officer attended and asked the general to drop the pants. He did. The medical officer placed the tape on the tip of the general's p*nis and began to work back.

"My God!" he said. "Where are your testicles?"




The general replied, ........ "In Vietnam."


 
 
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« ตอบกลับ #16 เมื่อ: 15 มกราคม, 2005, 09:03:58 PM »


Two Deaf People


Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can't see each other using sign language. After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution.

"Honey," she signs,

"Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time."


The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife,

"Great idea, Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my p*n*s one time.



If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my p*n*s 50 times."



 




A fireman came from work one day and told his wife, You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station. Bell 1 rings and we all put on our jackets. Bell 2 rings and we all slide down the pole. Bell 3 rings and we're ready to go on the trucks.

From now on, he said, we're going to run this house the same way. When I say Bell 1, I want you to strip naked. When I say Bell 2, I want you to jump into bed. When I say Bell 3, we're going to screw all night.

The next night the fireman came home from work and yelled, Bell 1! and his wife took off her clothes.
Bell 2, and his wife jumped into bed. Bell 3, and they began to screw.

After two minutes his wife yelled, Bell 4!

What's this Bell 4? the husband asks.

"More hose," she replied," you're nowhere near the fire! "
 
 
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« ตอบกลับ #17 เมื่อ: 15 มกราคม, 2005, 09:05:19 PM »


GM VS Microsoft


หลังจากที่ในงาน COMDEX ครั้งที่ผ่านมามีรายงานว่า Bill Gate ได้กล่าวเชิงเปรียบเทียบอุตสาหกรรมคอมพิวเตอร์กับอุตสาหกรรมรถยนต์ว่า

"ถ้า GM พยายามที่จะพัฒนารถยนต์ของตนตามให้ทันกับเทคโนโลยีที่เปลี่ยนแปลงทุกวัน เหมือนกับที่ Microsoft ทำมาตลอด ป่านนี้เราอาจจะสามารถซื้อรถยนต์ที่มีราคาเพียงแค่ 25 เหรียญสหรัฐฯและสามารถวิ่งได้ไกลถึง 1,000ไมล์โดยกินน้ำมันแค่ 1 แกลลอน ออกมาขับกันแล้วก็ได้"

หลังจากนั้นไม่นานทางผู้บริหาร GM บริษัทผู้ผลิตรถยนต์รายใหญ่ก็ออกมาแถลงข่าวว่า

"ถ้าเราทำการพัฒนาเทคโนโลยีของเราให้เหมือนกับแบบที่ Microsoft ทำมาตลอดทางกลุ่มผู้ผลิตรถยนต์ได้คาดการณ์ว่า

1. รถยนต์อาจจะเสียอย่างไม่มีสาเหตุวันละอย่างน้อย 2 ครั้ง

2. ทุกๆครั้งที่มีการทาสีถนนหรือซ่อมถนนใหม่ ผู้ใช้จะต้องซื้อรถคันใหม่ด้วย

3. บางครั้งที่รถเสียขณะวิ่งอยู่บนไฮเวย์ ผู้ขับก็อาจจะต้องรีสตาร์ทเครื่องใหม่

4. บางครั้งผู้ขับเพียงแค่เลี้ยวขวา รถยนต์ก็จะดับแล้วไม่ยอมทำการสตาร์ทเครื่องใหม่ จนกว่าจะทำการติดตั้งเครื่องยนต์ใหม่อีกครั้ง

5. Macintosh จะสามารถผลิตรถยนต์พลังงานแสงอาทิตย์ ที่มีความเร็วสูงกว่าของ GM ถึง 5 เท่าและยังขับง่ายกว่า และ เข้าอู่น้อยกว่าอีกด้วย

6.ในบางครั้งรถยนต์อาจไม่ยอมเปิดล๊อคประตูจนกว่าผู้ใช้จะทำการกดปุ่มเปิดประตู +บิดสวิทช์กุญแจ +จับเสาอากาศวิทยุ พร้อมๆกัน

7. GM อาจจะบังคับผู้ใช้รถยนต์ให้ซื้อ แผนที่ถนนของ Rand McNally ด้วยไม่ว่าผู้ใช้จะต้องการหรือไม่ก็ตาม และถ้าผู้ใช้นำแผนที่ออกไปจากรถอาจจะทำให้รถยนต์วิ่งช้าลงถึง 50 เปอร์เซ็นต์ซึ่งอาจจะทำให้ GM ต้องไปขึ้นศาลคดีผูกขาดทางการค้า

8. ทุกครั้งที่ GM เปิดตัวรถยนต์รุ่นใหม่ผู้ใช้จะต้องทำการหัดขับรถใหม่ทุกครั้ง

9. เราอาจจะต้องกดปุ่มสตาร์ทเพื่อทำการดับเครื่อง
 





PANTY RAID!

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday, and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note: romantic, but not too personal.

Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Nordstrom and bought a pair of white gloves.

The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note:

"I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears short ones that are easier to remove.

These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart.

I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again.

When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing.

Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night. All my love.

P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing."
 
 
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Re: Jokes Archive.....
« ตอบกลับ #18 เมื่อ: 15 มกราคม, 2005, 09:06:39 PM »


One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says:

"I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."

The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear:

"Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

 



A small guy goes into an elevator, when he gets in he notices a huge dude standing next to him. The big dude looks down upon the small guy and says:

"7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch +++, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, Turner Brown"

The small guy faints! The big dude picks up the small guy, brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him, and asks the small guy.

"What's wrong?"

The small guy says, "Excuse me but what did you say?"

The big dude looks down and says

"7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch +++, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, my name is Turner Brown."

The small guy says,



"Thank god, I thought you said 'Turn around.'"

 
โดยคุณ Jokesmonster  เสาร์ที่ 26 ต.ค. 45 (12:31 น.
 
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Re: Jokes Archive.....
« ตอบกลับ #19 เมื่อ: 15 มกราคม, 2005, 09:09:56 PM »


Scenes from a Sex Shop

A little old lady with blue hair entered the sex shop and asked in a quivering voice,

"Yy-young man, dd-do y-you sell-dildos h-here?"

The salesman, somewhat taken aback by the little old lady's appearance in his shop, answered

"Uh, yes, ma'am. We do."

The little old lady, holding her quivering hands about 10 inches apart asked,

"D-do y-you ha-aave any ab-bb-bout th-this l-long?"

"Well, yes ma'am, we do. We have several that size. "

Forming a 5" circle with her fingers, she then asked,

"A-arean-nny ofth-them about thi-is b-big ar-round-d?"

"Well... Yes, a few of them are about that big."

"D-do aa-ny of th-them ha-ave a vv-ii-bra-a-ator?"

"Yes, Ma`am, one of them does."


"W -Wel-ll, h-how d-do y-you t-turn it off ?"
 





A TEAM EFFORT

An 85-year-old man went to his doctor's office to get a checkup and the doctor determined a semen sample was required.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said,

"Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow. "

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained

"Well, doc, it's like this, first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help.

She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing.

We even called up Earleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried squeezing it between her knees, but still nothing."

The doctor was shocked!

"You asked your neighbor?"

The old man replied,



"Yep, but no matter what we tried we still couldn't get the damn jar open."

 
โดยคุณ Jokesmonster  เสาร์ที่ 26 ต.ค. 45 (12:38 น.) 


 
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Re: Jokes Archive.....
« ตอบกลับ #20 เมื่อ: 15 มกราคม, 2005, 09:11:48 PM »
This one from Khun Cantona....



Monica's Diary


November 6,

Dear diary... last night I slept with Bill Clinton. Wow, it was so amazing!

Now I understand why people call him as the most powerful man in the world. Next week I have a date with Fidel Castro.

Wish me luck..!


November 14,

Dear diary, he was so charming and gentle. His beard touched me everywhere. He touched me with the way I have never been touched before.

He calls that a revolutionary way. Now I understand why Cuban cigar is so famous in the world. It satisfies me too. I want a date with Michael Jackson five days from now. I want a dream about him now ,


November 20,

Dear diary....it was really a wonderful night!. No
wonder he named his famous album Thriller .! He was so beat .

Diary, I have a plan to conquer Bill Gates, the richest man in the world. It must be next month.


December 12,



Damn him, diary ! ...... Now I understand why he named his company ..... MicroSoft .... !


 



 
� - This one from Khun Cantona....


มีชายหนุ่มไปนั่งทานอาหารในภัตตาคารหรู หลังจากนั่งได้ซักครู่เค้าชำเลืองไปเห็น บ๋อยที่มาเสริฟ มีช้อนพกอยู่ในกระเป๋าเสื้อ อีกซักพัก บ๋อยอีกคนเดินผ่านมา ยังคงมีช้อนอยู่ในกระเป๋าเสื้อเช่นกัน พอพนักงานเสิร์ฟอาหารเริ่มนำอาหารมาเสริฟที่โต๊ะเค้ายังคงสังเกตุเห็นอีกว่า หมอนี่ ก็มีช้อนในพกอยู่กระเป๋า อีกนั่นแหละอดรนทนต่อไปไม่ไหว เค้าเลยกระซิบถาม

" น้องๆ ทำไมพนักงานที่นี่ต้องพกช้อนติดตัวกันทุกคนล่ะหือ "

บ๋อยหนุ่มยิ้ม อย่างภาคภูมิใจ

" คืองี้ครับเมื่อหลายเดือนก่อน .....ผู้จัดการเราได้จ้างบริษัทที่ปรึกษามาวิจัยการทำงานและบริการของเรา แล้วพบว่า ลูกค้าของเราจะทำช้อนตกมากกว่า ของอื่น 75% ซึ่งนั่นหมายถึง การทำช้อนตกประมาณ สามครั้ง ต่อชม ต่อโต๊ะ ดังนั้นถ้าให้พนักงานเราเตรียมช้อนติดตัวไว้ตลอดเวลา จะลดเวลาที่จะต้องเดินกลับเข้าครัวไปเอาช้อนใหม่ได้ ซึ่งจะช่วยลด คนงานได้ 2 คน/เวร ครับ "

พอขาดคำบ๋อย ปรากฏว่ามีเสียงโลหะตกกระทบพื้น ที่โต๊ะถัดไป บ๋อยหนุ่มปราดเข้าไปยื่นช้อนในกระเป๋าให้ กับแขกโต๊ะนั้นทันที แล้วหันมายิ้มให้ชายหนุ่ม พร้อมกับอธิบายต่อ

" พอเวลาผมกลับเข้าครัวผมก็จะเปลี่ยนเอาช้อนอันใหม่มาเตรียมไว้ แทนที่จะต้องย้อนกลับไปเอามาตอนนี้ เห็นมั้ยครับ "

" อืมมม เข้าท่าแฮะ" ชายหนุ่มพยักหน้าแบบพึงใจ ในระบบการบริหารที่ยอดเยี่ยม แต่อดซักต่อไม่ได้

" อืมม แล้ว ด้าย เส้นเล็กๆที่พ้นขอบเอวกางเกง นี่ ล่ะมีไว้ทำไมล่ะหือ เห็นทุกคนก็มีนี่ "

คราวนี้บ๋อยหนุ่มค่อยๆก้มตัวใกล้แล้วกระซิบเบาๆ

" แหม อันนี้ไม่ค่อยมีใครสังเกตุเห็นนะครับ ท่านเห็นได้ไงเนี่ย อันนี้เราเอาผูกไว้กับเจ้าหนูของเราน่ะครับ เวลาเข้าห้องน้ำ เราสามารถดึงเชือก เส้นนี้ ทำให้ดึงเจ้าหนูออกมาฉี่ลงโถได้ โดยไม่ต้องจับซึ่งทำให้ประหยัดเวลาในการล้างมือ เพราะว่าจากการวิจัย จะพบว่าถ้าไม่ต้องเสียเวลาล้างมือ จะช่วยประหยัดเวลาในการเข้าห้องน้ำ ลงได้ 70% ซึ่งเท่ากับลดคนงานได้อีก 1 คน/เวร "

" โอเค มีเหตุผลดี ว่าแต่ตอนดึงออกมา นี่ไม่ต้องใช้มือจับได้ล่ะ
แล้วตอนเก็บเจ้า หนูเข้าที่ล่ะ ทำไง ล่ะ "

พระเอกเราซักต่อ

บ๋อยหนุ่ม ยิ้ม แล้วกระซิบเบาๆ

" คนอื่นไม่รู้เค้าทำกันยังไง แต่สำหรับผม... ใช้ช้อน ตักเข้า ครับ "
 
 
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Re: Jokes Archive.....
« ตอบกลับ #21 เมื่อ: 15 มกราคม, 2005, 09:13:08 PM »

THE TWELVE PACK

A man and his young son are in the drugstore when the son sees the shelf of condoms and asks his father what they are. The dad replies,

"Well son, those are condoms and they're for protection when you're having sex."

The son then picks up one of the packs and asks why it has three in it. The dad replies,

"Those are for college guys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."

The son then picks up one with six condoms and asks, "Why six?"

The dad replies,

"Well son, those are for single adults. Two for Friday, two for Saturday and two for Sunday."

The son then notices the 12 pack of condoms and asks the same question.

The dad replies,

"Son, those are for married men.


One for January, one for February, one for March...."


 



GOOD TORTURE

Three men were walking aimlessly in the desert. They came upon a castle, dying of thirst they decided to go into the castle. Inside they found no men, just dozens of beautiful women. The three men decided to stay. For a week they enjoyed themselves having sex many times a day with the many beautiful women.

After a week, the king of the castle and his army of men came back. As he walks into his castle he finds the three men with his women. Upset the king orders his army to capture the three men and line them up against the wall. Then the king says that each of them would be severely punished according to their occupation.

The king goes up to the first man and demands to know his occupation.

The first man replies, "Fireman."
The king tells his army, "Burn off his pen*s."

Then he walks over to the second man and asks his occupation.

Hesitating the man says, "I...I...I...I'm a police officer."
The king orders, "Shoot off his p*n*s."

Then finally the King asks the third man his occupation.

With a huge smile on his face the man replies, ...... " Lollipop salesman."
 
 
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Re: Jokes Archive.....
« ตอบกลับ #22 เมื่อ: 15 มกราคม, 2005, 09:14:11 PM »
WISE ROOSTER

A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. So, the new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says,

"OK, old guy, time to retire."

The old rooster replies, "Come on, you can't handle ALL these hens, look what it's done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?"

The young rooster says, "Scram! Beat it! You're washed up and I'm taking over."

The old rooster says, "I'll tell you what, young stud, I'll race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop."

The young rooster laughs, "You know you don't stand a chance old man, so just to be fair, I'll give you a head start."

So, they get a hen to cluck "Go!" .....and the old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off after him.

They round the front of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He's already about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast.

The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. He grabs up his shotgun and BOOM!, he blows the young rooster to bits.

The farmer sadly shakes his head,

"Darn it, third gay rooster I bought this month."

 




Sexercise


It has been known for many years that Sex was good exercise, but until now nobody had made a scientific study of the caloric content of different sexual activities. Now after "original and proprietary" research they are proud to present, to the LOV group, the results.

REMOVING HER CLOTHES:
With her consent....................... 12 Calories
Without her consent.................... 187 Calories


OPENING HER BRA:
With both hands........................ 8 Calories
With one hand.......................... 12 Calories
With your teeth........................ 85 Calories


PUTTING ON A PRESERVATIVE:
With an erection....................... 6 Calories
Without an erection.................... 315 Calories


PRELIMINARIES:
Trying to find the clitoris............ 8 Calories
Trying to find the G-Spot.............. 92 Calories

POSITIONS:
Missionary............................. 12 Calories
69 lying down.......................... 78 Calories
69 standing up......................... 112 Calories
Wheelbarrow............................ 216 Calories
Doggy Style............................ 326 Calories
Italian chandelier..................... 912 Calories

ORGASMING:
Real................................... 112 Calories
False.................................. 315 Calories

POST ORGASM:
Lying in bed hugging................... 18 Calories
Getting up immediately................. 36 Calories
Explaining why you got out of bed immediately......816 Calories

GETTING A SECOND ERECTION: If you are:
20-29 years old........................ 36 Calories
30-39 years............................ 80 Calories
40-49 years............................ 124 Calories
50-59 years............................ 972 Calories
60-69 years............................ 2916 Calories
70 and over............................ Results are still pending

DRESSING UP AFTERWARDS:
Calmly................................. 32 Calories
In a hurry............................. 98 Calories
With her father knocking at the door... 1218 Calories
With your wife knocking at the door.... 3521 Calories

 
 
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Re: Jokes Archive.....
« ตอบกลับ #23 เมื่อ: 15 มกราคม, 2005, 09:15:28 PM »


A GOOD EXCUSE


The teacher had given the class an assignment. She stresses the importance of this particular assignment, and that no excuses will be accepted except illness or a death in the immediate family.

A wise student pipes up:

"What about extreme sexual exhaustion, sir?"

The class breaks up laughing, and when they settle down the teacher responds with:

"Well, I guess you'll have to learn to write with your other hand."

 




SCHOOL PRIDE

A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red "H" on her chest.

"How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor.

"Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.


A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue "Y" on her chest.

"How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor.

"Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.


A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green "M" on her chest.

"Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor.


"No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin. Why do you ask?"
 
 
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Re: Jokes Archive.....
« ตอบกลับ #24 เมื่อ: 15 มกราคม, 2005, 09:16:49 PM »

STUPID GOLF TRICKS

Chalor and his friend meet at the club house and decide to play a round of golf together.

Chalor has a little dog with him and on the first green, when he holes out a 20 foot putt, the little dog starts to yip and stands up on its hind legs.

The friend is quite amazed at this clever trick and says,

" That dog is really talented! What does he do if you miss a putt ? "

" Somersaults, " says Chalor.

" Somersaults ? ! " says the friend, " That's incredible. How many does he do ? "

"Hmmm," says Chalor.

" That depends on how hard I kick him in the ass."
 




 
- This one from Khun KOB .. Friend of Intania 61


Nine Important Men in Women's Life

1. THE DOCTOR: because he says, "Take your clothes off."

2. THE DENTIST: because he says, "Open wide."

3. THE HAIRDRESSER: because he says,"Do you want it teased or blown?"

4. THE MILKMAN: because he says, "Do you want it in the front or the back?"

5. THE INTERIOR DECORATOR: because he says, "Once it's in, you'll love it!"

6. THE STOCK BROKER: because he says, "It will rise right up, fluctuate for a
while, and then slowly fall back again."

7. THE BANKER: because he says, "If you take it outtoo soon, you'll lose
interest.

8. THE HUNTER: because he goes deep in the bush, shoots twice, and always eats
what he shoots.

9. THE TELEPHONE GUY: because he says, "Would you like it on the table or up
against the wall?
 
 
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Re: Jokes Archive.....
« ตอบกลับ #25 เมื่อ: 15 มกราคม, 2005, 09:18:06 PM »


Subject: A Letter From The P*n*s (MUST READ!)

I, the p*n*s, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

I do physical labor.

I work at great depths.

I plunge head first into everything I do.

I do not get weekends off or public holidays.

I work in a damp environment.

I don't get paid overtime.

I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.

I work in high temperatures.

My work exposes me to contagious disease.

Thank you for considering my request.

The P*n*s .... :-)))





In Response:

Dear Mr. P*n*s,

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

You do not work 8 hours straight.

You fall asleep on the job after brief work periods.

You do not always follow the orders of the management team.

You do not stay in your allocated position, and often visit other areas.

You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.

You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.

You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective gear.

It's doubtful you'll work until the normal retirement age of 65.

You're unable to work double shifts.

You sometimes leave your allocated position before you have completed the day's work.

And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and leaving the workplace carrying 2 suspicious looking bags.

Sincerely,
The Management

 


 
From HTG2.com .... http://www.htg2.com/cgi-bin/webboard/view.cgi?board=board_1 issue 5327 by Khun PDN


ผมรู้แล้ว .....

วันหนึ่งเด็กชายชาร์ล ชาวอเมริกันวัย 10 ขวบถามคุณแม่ด้วยความอยากรู้

" แม่ครับ แม่อายุเท่าไรแล้วครับ "

" ผู้หญิงเขาไม่บอกอายุกันหรอกลูก "

" งั้นแม่หนักเท่าไรครับ "

" ผู้หญิงเขาก็ไม่เปิดเผยเรื่องน้ำหนักตัวด้วยจ๊ะ "

" แล้วทำไมแม่หย่ากับพ่อหละครับ "

แม่คิดอยู่ครู่หนึ่ง ไม่รู้จะตอบยังไง พอดีเพื่อนของหนูน้อยมา ชาร์ลจึงเล่าให้ฟัง เพื่อนเลยแนะนำให้เขาไปเปิดดูจากใบขับขี่ หลังเปิดดู ชาร์ลวิ่งมาด้วยความดีใจ

" แม่ครับ ผมรู้แล้วว่าแม่อายุเท่าไร แม่อายุ 39 ปี หนัก 130 ปอนด์ "

" เก่งจัง ลูกรู้ได้ยังไงจ๊ะ "

" แล้วผมก็รู้ด้วยว่าพ่อหย่าแม่ทำไม "

" ทำไมหรือจ๊ะ "

" ก็เพราะ SEX แม่ได้ F ไงครับ "

" ผมเห็นในใบขับขี่ "

 
 
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Re: Jokes Archive.....
« ตอบกลับ #26 เมื่อ: 15 มกราคม, 2005, 09:19:38 PM »


จาก HTG2 Web Board .... http://www.htg2.com/cgi-bin/webboard/view.cgi?board=board_1 กระทู้ 5292 โดยคุณ T-LeX ครับ


นิทานข้าวมันไก่


กาลครั้งหนึ่งไม่นานมานี้ ณ ประเทศที่มีรอยยิ้มมากที่สุดในโลกที่สาม มีศาลาว่าการจังหวัดแห่งหนึ่งซึ่งประชาชนมาติดต่อราชการกันมากมาย บรรดาพ่อค้าทั้งหลายต่างพากันยื้อแย่งแข่งขันเพื่อสัมปทานขายอาหารที่นี่

และ ... เนื่องจากเรื่องนี้เป็นนิทาน ทางจังหวัดจึงอยากให้การชิงสัมปทานเป็นไปด้วยความยุติธรรม ดังนั้นงานประจำปีจึงถูกจัดขึ้นเพื่อให้ร้านค้ามาขายประชันกัน

น่าแปลกใจที่นับแต่อดีต ร้านที่มาแข่งขันต่างก็ขายแต่ " ข้าวมันไก่ " ซึ่งทางจังหวัดไม่สามารถแก้ไขได้แม้จะใช้มาตการต่าง ๆ เช่น ตั้งกองทุน SME ข้าวหมูแดง หรือจัดสัปดาห์ข้าวหน้าเป็ด ถึงกระนั้นบรรดาพ่อค้าก็ยังคงยืนยันจะขายข้าวมันไก่อยู่นั่นเอง

แล้วงานประจำปีก็มาถึง แต่ละร้านเตรียมตัวกันอย่างเต็มที่ ไม่ว่าจะเป็น

ร้าน " ความหวังไก่ " ที่มีพ่อค้าเป็นทหารเก่า

ร้าน " รสชาติพัฒนา " ที่มีเจ้าของร้านสองคน

ร้าน " ชาติไก่ " ของพ่อค้าร่างสั้น ณ เมืองสุพรรณ

และร้านตัวเต็งสองร้านคือ " ประชาไก่น่ากัด " ของอดีตครูประชาบาลลูกชาวบ้าน

กับอีกหนึ่งร้านใหม่ " ไก่รักไก่ (มหาชน) "

ไหน ๆ ก็ไม่มีทางเปลี่ยนพ่อค้าเหล่านี้ให้ขายอาหารประเภทอื่นได้แล้ว ทางจังหวัดจึงอยากยกระดับข้าวมันไก่ให้กลายเป็นของขึ้นหน้าขึ้นตาของจังหวัด พร้อมตั้ง " คณะกรรมการไก่ตอน " หรือ กกต. ขึ้นเพื่อควบคุมการแข่งขัน และตรวจสอบคุณภาพไก่

แต่แม้ว่า กกต. จะทำงานอย่างจริงจัง คุณภาพของไก่ก็ยังแกว่ง บางครั้งมีการนำไก่ไม่ดีมาแขวนไว้เตรียมขาย กกต. ก็ต้องสอยไก่ที่แขวนไว้ในร้านไปเก็บ แต่ถ้าเผลอ ทางร้านก็จะเอามาแขวนใหม่ ทำให้ต้องแขวน และสอยกันหลายรอบ

ร้าน " ประชาไก่น่ากัด " เป็นเจ้าของสัมปทานเก่าที่เข้ามารับสัมปทาน ขณะเกิดวิกฤตศรัทธาข้าวมันไก่อย่างหนัก ซึ่งว่ากันว่าวิกฤตนี้ต้นเหตุน่าจะมาจากร้าน " ความหวังไก่ "
ที่ติดราคาไว้ 27 บาท แต่พอเรียกเก็บเงิน เจ้าของร้านจะบอกราคาด้วยน้ำเสียงอบอุ่นดังคนแก่ที่ใจดีที่สุดในโลกว่าจานละ 59 บาทนะลูก นอกจากนี้ บรรดาลูกของเด็กเสิร์ฟยังชอบมากวนคนในร้านลูกค้าก็ไม่กล้าโวย เพราะเกรงเด็กเสิร์ฟปากร้ายนิสัยนักเลงคนนี้ ทำให้คนเข้าร้านน้อยลง และลูกจ้างก็พากันลาออก แม้ว่าเมียเจ้าของร้านจะพยายามอุ้มช้างบูชาราหู ก็ไร้ผล

ดังนั้นการเข้ามารับช่วงสัมปทานของร้าน " ประชาไก่น่ากัด " จึงถูกใจชาวบ้านร้านตลาดมาก เพราะเป็นร้านที่เปิดบริการมาหลายชั่วคน อีกทั้งเจ้าของร้านก็เป็นคนที่น่านับถือ สูตรน้ำจิ้มไก่ใส่น้ำผึ้งก็เด็ดขาด การค้าช่วงแรกจึงราบรื่นดี

แต่ภายหลังค่าแก๊ส ค่าไก่ มีราคาสูงขึ้น กิจการเริ่มประสบปัญหา จำนวนไก่ต่อจานน้อยชิ้นลง จานชามแตกหักสกปรก พอถูกถาม ....เจ้าของก็บอกว่าไม่ทราบ เรื่องนี้เป็นเรื่องของคนสับไก่กับคนล้างจาน .......พอชาวบ้านถามคนสับไก่ก็จะได้คำตอบว่า จำนวนชิ้นไก่จะขึ้นอยู่กับกลไกตลาด .....ส่วนคนล้างจานก็บอกว่าช้อนส้อมจานชามเซ้งมาจากเจ้าของสัมปทานร้านที่แล้ว ....เจอไม้นี้เข้า ชาวบ้านก็ได้แต่ทำตาปริบ ๆ

การเปิดร้านของเถ้าแก่คนใหม่ " ไก่รักไก่ (มหาชน) " ทำให้ชาวบ้านเริ่มมีความหวังกับรสชาติที่แตกต่างออกไป ตามสโลแกนของร้านที่ว่า " คิดไก่ ทำไก่ " ......เถ้าแก่คนใหม่ได้ปฏิวัติแนวทางการขายอย่างสิ้นเชิง มีการนำหลักวิชาการตลาดเข้ามาช่วย ทั้งการแบ่ง Market Segmentation และนำโปรโมชั่นต่าง ๆ มาล่อใจ ไม่ว่าจะเป็นการ พักหนี้ข้าวมันไก่ 3 เดือนของลูกค้าเงินเชื่อ หรือกินไก่ทั้งตัว ตัวละ 30 บาท

ผลก็คือทำให้ร้านนี้เป็นร้านที่คนเข้ามากที่สุดในงานประจำปี แม้จะมีข้อสงสัยว่าโปรโมชั่นเหล่านี้จะเอาเงินมาจากไหน แต่ได้ยินมาแว่ว ๆ ว่าเถ้าแก่ไม่สนใจหรอก แค่ได้สัมปทานข้าวมันไก่นี้ ....หุ้นร้านแกก็ขึ้นหลายหมื่นจุดแล้ว ...





 
เรื่องนี้ โดยโดยคุณ คลอสเตอร์


สามีภรรยานอนอยู่บนเตียง.... สามีเปิดไฟหัวเตียงและอ่านหนังสือ....สักพักสามีก็เอานิ้วมาแหย่จิ๋มภรรยา และหันไปอ่านหนังสือต่อ ....ภรรยาหันมามอง

อีกสักพักสามีก็เอานิ้วมาแหย่จิ๋มเธออีก ....เมื่อหันมามองเธอก็ไม่เห็นสามีมีทีท่าอะไร

อีกครู่หนึ่งสามีก็เอานิ้วมาแหย่จิ๋มอีก

ภรรยาลุกขึ้นถอดเสื้อผ้า

" ทำอะไรน่ะ " สามีถาม

" ก็เธอแหย่จิ๋มฉัน จะชวนเล่นจ้ำจี้ไม่ใช่หรือ " ภรรยาถาม

" เปล่า " สามีตอบ

" หนังสือมันเปิดไม่ออก "
 
 
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Re: Jokes Archive.....
« ตอบกลับ #27 เมื่อ: 15 มกราคม, 2005, 09:20:43 PM »


A rather well proportioned young lady spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of the hotel.

She wore a bathing suit the first day but, on the second, being a naturist, she decided that no one could see her way up there, & she slipped out of it for an overall tan.

She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs. She was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.

" Excuse me, miss, " said the flustered little assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs.

"The hotel doesn't mind you sunbathing on the roof but we would very much appreciate you wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday. "

" What difference does it make, " She asked rather calmly.

" No one can see me up here, & besides, I'm covered with a towel."

" Not exactly, " said the embarrassed little man.

" You're lying on the dining room skylight. "






DOG-GONE WASH

A young boy about eight years old came through the checkout with a big box of laundry detergent.

The grocer was curious. Why was the young fella buying such a big box of soap?

"It's not for laundry," said the boy. "I'm going to wash my dog."

"You shouldn't wash your dog in this stuff," said the grocer.

" It's very powerful. He'll get sick. It might even kill him."

But the boy was not to be stopped. He paid and walked out with the detergent.

A week later the boy came back.

" How's the dog ? " asked the grocer.

"Oh, he died," said the boy.

The grocer was sorry, but he added,

"I did warn you not to use the detergent on your dog."

"I don't think it was the detergent that killed him," said the lad.

"What was it then?"



"I think it was the spin cycle."
 
 
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Re: Jokes Archive.....
« ตอบกลับ #28 เมื่อ: 15 มกราคม, 2005, 09:22:57 PM »

"So...you finish?"


Crouching Kitty managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman. He invited her back to his apartment, and after some small talk they made love. After a pleasant interlude, and, at what seemed to him to be the appropriate time, he stretched, asked with a smile, "So...you finish?"

She paused for a second, frowned, and replied "No."

Pleasantly surprised, Kitty reached for her and had his way with her again. This time she's wild, thrashing about on the bed and climaxing with screams of passion.

Again, the man smiles, and asks, "You finish?"

And again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him, and says "No."

Stunned, but damned if this woman is going to outlast him, Kitty reaches for his date. It takes all of his strength and he barely manages to do it, but they climax simultaneously, screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping bed sheets.

It's dawn by then, and, entirely spent, Kitty exhausted falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly, and asks, "You finish!?"

"Dammit, no!" she shouts back.



"For the last time, I am Swedish!"





The Office Managers Choice


An office manager was sent three secretaries, equally qualified, to fill one vacancy.

"Well," thought the manager, "I'll give them an honesty test to determine which secretary to keep."

To this end, he gave each secretary a money bag to take and bank telling them that there was $50 in the bag. (In fact, he had placed $100 in each bag; thus the honesty test.)

The first secretary goes to the bank, discovers the extra money, banks $50 and returns the extra $50 to the manager.

The second secretary goes to the bank,discovers the extra money, banks the full $100, and returns with a deposit slip as proof.

The third secretary goes to the bank, discovers the extra money, banks $50, goes to the local TAB and uses the $50 to win $300, then returns, explains to the manager and gives him the all the money.

Question: Which secretary does the manager select to retain?

?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?

Answer: Well, DUH!...

The one with the biggest breasts!





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Re: Jokes Archive.....
« ตอบกลับ #29 เมื่อ: 15 มกราคม, 2005, 09:24:11 PM »


This one from : Khun Cantona


***SeX eDuCaTiOn***

.... ALL U GUYS COULD USE A LITTLE OF THIS......



Little Johnny was 7 years old and like other boys his age rather curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about 'courting' from the older boys, and he wondered what it was and how it was done. One day he took his question to his mother, who became rather flustered.

Instead of explaining things to Johnny, she told him to hide behind the curtains one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend. This he did. The following morning, Johnny described EVERYTHING to his mother.

"Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for a while, then he started kissing and hugging herI figured 'Sis must be getting sickbecause her face started looking funny. He must have thought so too, because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart, just > the way the doctor would. Except he's not as smart as the docotr because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart. I guess he was getting sick too, because pretty soon both of them started panting and getting all out of breath. His other hand must have been cold because he put it under her skirt.

About this time 'Sis got worse and began to moan and sigh and squirm around and slide down toward the end of the couch. This was when her fever started. I knew it was a fever, because Sis told him she felt really hot. Finally, I found out what was making them so sick -- a big eel had gotten inside his pants somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and stood there, about 10 inches long, honest, anyway he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away.

When Sis saw it, she got really scared -- her eyes got big, and her mouth fell open, and she started calling out to God and stuff like that. She said it was the biggest one she's ever seen; I should tell her about the ones down at the lake by our house!

Anyway, Sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting its head off. All of a sudden she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eel's head to keep it from biting again.

Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor-lock on it and he helped by lying on top of the eel. The eel put up a hell of a fight. Sis started groaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squashing it between them. Her boyfriend got up, and sure enough, they killed the eel. I knew because it just hung there, limp, and some of its insides were hanging out.

Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle, but they went back to courting anyway. He started hugging and kissing her again. By golly, the eel wasn't dead! It jumped straight up and started to fight again. I guess eels are like cats -- they have nine lives or something.

This time, Sis jumped up and tried to kill it by sitting on it. After about a 35 minute struggle, they finally killed the eel. I knew it was dead, because I saw Sis's boyfriend peel its skin off and flush it down the toilet.



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Re: Jokes Archive.....
« ตอบกลับ #30 เมื่อ: 15 มกราคม, 2005, 09:26:49 PM »


From : Cha Mai .... Friend of Intania 61


เหตุผลดี


สูติแพทย์ของโรงพยาบาลรู้สึกแปลกใจเป็นอันมาก เมื่อชายหนุ่มที่เพิ่งเป็นพ่อหมาดๆ รายหนึ่งเดินเข้ามาหาเป็นการส่วนตัว

"ผมพอจะช่วยอะไรคุณได้บ้างมั่งครับ" คุณหมอถามไถ่อย่างอารมณ์ดี

"หมอ" คุณพ่อลูกอ่อน ครางเสียงอ่อย "ผมกลุ้มใจเหลือเกิน ลูกผมทำไมถึงหัวแดงออกน้ำตาลอย่างนั้น"

"ทำไมกะอีแค่เด็กผมแดงออกน้ำตาลหน่อย คุณถึงกับกลัดกลุ้มมากนัก" หมอถามเพราะยังงงๆอยู่

"คืองี้ครับ ... ไอ้ผมเองก็ผมดำ แม่เด็กก็ผมดำ ปู่ย่าตาทวดเราก็ผมดำทั้งนั้น" สามีอธิบายหมอ

"หมอพอจะอธิบายตามหลักวิทยาศาสตร์ได้ไหมว่า ทำไมลูกผมจึงผมแดง"

หมอนั่งคิดสักครู่ พร้อมกับซักไซ้ไล่เรียงเทือกเถาเหล่ากออยู่ไปเป็นนาน ก็หาคำตอบไม่ได้ สุดท้ายหมอก็ถามว่า

"ถามจริงๆเหอะ คุณกับภรรยา นอนกันบ่อยแค่ไหน"

"เอ่อ ....ก็ ...ก็ ..เดือนละครั้ง สองครั้ง"

"มิน่า ........" หมอตบเข่าหนึ่งฉาด

"เพราะอะไรหรือหมอ" สามีถามอย่างกระตือรือล้น


"นานๆใช้ที มันก็ขึ้นสนิมนะซิ หัวเด็กผ่านออกมา ก็เลยติดสนิมน่ะ".







The Confession Cover-up.


A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unmanned, he called a rabbi friend up and asked him to cover for him.

The rabbi told him he wouldn't know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he'd stay with him and show him what to do. The rabbi comes and he and the priest are in the confessional.


In a few minutes a woman comes in and says

"Father forgive me for I have sinned."

The priest asks "What did you do?".

The woman says "I Committed adultery."

Priest: "How many times?"

Woman: "Three times."

Priest: "Say two Hail Mary's, put $5 in the box and go and sin no more."



A few minutes later another woman enters the confessional.

She says "Father forgive me for I have sinned."

Priest: "What did you do?"

Woman: "I committed adultery."

Priest: "How many times?"

Woman: "Three times."

Priest: "Say two Hail Mary's, put $5 in the box and go and sin no more."



The rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he's got it so the priest leaves.

A few minutes later another woman enters and says

"Father forgive me for I have sinned."

Rabbi: "What did you do?"

Woman: "I committed adultery."

Rabbi: "How many times?"

Woman: "Just once."


Rabbi: "Go do it two more times. We have a special this week, three for $5."



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Re: Jokes Archive.....
« ตอบกลับ #31 เมื่อ: 15 มกราคม, 2005, 10:05:49 PM »
Mother's Milk

A medical student is taking a test and one of the questions he sees is:

"Name the three best advantages of mother's milk."



The student immediately writes,

"One: It has all the healthful nutrients needed to sustain a baby.

Two: It is inside the mother's body and therefore protected from germs and infections."

But the student can't think of the third answer.

Finally, he writes,

"Three: It comes in such nice containers."
 





From : Cha Mai .... Friend of Intania 61


Women and Geography

ผู้หญิงอายุ 15-20 เหมือนแอฟริกา - ดินแดนที่ยังเป็นธรรมชาติ สดบริสุทธิ์ น่าตื่นตาตื่นใจ ท้าทายให้นักเดินทาง สำรวจไปไม่สิ้นสุด

ผู้หญิงอายุ 20-30 เหมือนอเมริกา- ถูกสำรวจปรุโปร่งแล้ว , สะดวก,รู้งาน, คล่องตัว , สมบูรณ์แบบที่สุด

ผู้หญิงอายุ 30-35 เหมือนอินเดียกับญี่ปุ่น - ร้อน ลุ่มลึก และงดงาม

ผู้หญิงอายุ 35-40 เหมือนฝรั่งเศส -ถูกสงครามทำลายย่อยยับไปแล้วครึ่งหนึ่งแต่ส่วนหลงเหลือก็ยังพอเป็นที่ปรารถนา (จริง ๆ นะ แซม !!)

ผู้หญิงอายุ 40-45 เหมือนเยอรมัน ,ไร้สงครามแต่ก็ยังไร้ความหวังอยู่ดี

ผู้หญิงอายุ 50-60 เหมือนรัสเซีย - กว้างใหญ่สงบ แต่ยังเป็นดินแดนที่ไม่ค่อยมีใครอยากไปเที่ยว

ผู้หญิงอายุ 60-70 เหมือนอังกฤษ - มีอดีตรุ่งโรจน์ แต่ไร้ซึ่งอนาคต

ผู้หญิงอายุ 70 เหมือนไซบีเรีย - ทุกคนรู้ดีว่ามันอยู่ตรงส่วนไหนของโลกแต่ไม่ค่อยมีใครค่อยอยากไปเหยียบ!!!!!

 
 
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Re: Jokes Archive.....
« ตอบกลับ #32 เมื่อ: 15 มกราคม, 2005, 10:07:01 PM »

Father, mother and son decide to go to the zoo one day. So they set off and are seeing lots of animals. Eventually they end up opposite the elephant house. The boy looks at the elephant, sees its willy points to it and says,

"Mummy, what is that long thing?"

His mother replies, "That son, is the elephant's trunk."

"No, at the other end."

"That son is the tail."

"No, mummy, the thing under the elephant."

A short embarrassed silenced after which she replies, "Thats nothing."


The mother goes to buy some ice-cream and the boy, not being satisfied with her answer asks his father the same question.


"Daddy, what is that long thing?"

"That's the trunk, son" replies the father.


"No, at the other end."

"Oh, that is the tail."


"No, no daddy, the thing below," asks the son in desperation.


"That is the elephants p*n*s. Why do you ask son?"

"Well mummy said it was nothing," says the boy.



Replies the father:

"I tell you, I spoil that woman..."
 




 

Defense Attorney: "Would you please state your age to the court for the record."

Little Old Lady: "I am 86 years old."

Defense Attorney: "Will you tell us in your own words, what happened to you on the night in question."

Little Old Lady: "There I was sitting on my porch swing on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up the porch stairs and sits down beside me."

Defense Attorney: "Did you know him?"

Little Old Lady: "No, but he sure was friendly."

Defense Attorney: "Then what happened after he sat down beside you?"

Little Old Lady: "Well, he started to rub my thighs."

Defense Attorney: "Did you stop him?"

Little Old Lady: "No, I didn't."

Defense Lawyer: "Why not?"

Little Old Lady: "It felt good. Nobody has done that since my Dan passed away 30 years ago."

Defense Attorney: "Then what happened?"

Little Old Lady: "He started to rub my breasts."

Defense Attorney: "Did you stop him then?"

Little Old Lady: "No."

Defense Attorney: "Why not?"

Little Old Lady: "Well your honor, his rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I hadn't felt that good in years."

Defense Attorney: "What happened next?"

Little Old Lady: "Well, I started to feel so spicy that I said to him, "Take me young man".

Defense Attorney: "And did he take you?"



Little Old Lady: "No. That's when he yelled April Fools!

..... And that's when I shot him.

 
 
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Re: Jokes Archive.....
« ตอบกลับ #33 เมื่อ: 15 มกราคม, 2005, 10:08:37 PM »

A man in Topeka, Kansas, decided to write a book about churches around the world. He started by flying to San Francisco, and started working east from there.

Going to a very large church, he began taking
photographs and making notes. He spotted a golden telephone on the vestibule wall and was intrigued with a sign which read

"$10,000 a minute."

Seeking out the pastor he asked about the phone and the sign. The Pastor answered that this golden phone is, in fact, a direct line to Heaven and if he pays the price he can talk directly to God.

The man thanked the pastor and continued on his way.

As he continued to visit churches in Seattle, Atlanta, Greensboro, Chicago, Milwaukee, and all around the United States and the rest of the world , he found more phones with the same sign, and the same answer from each pastor.

Finally, he arrived in Thailand . Upon entering a church in Bangkok, Thailand , behold, he saw the usual golden telephone. But THIS time, the sign read

"Calls: 3 Bahts."

Fascinated, he asked to talk to the pastor.

"Reverend, I have been in cities all around the world and in each church I have found this golden telephone and have been told it is a direct line to Heaven and that I could talk to God, but, in the other churches the cost was $10,000 a minute. Your sign reads 3 Bahts a call. Why?"

The pastor, smiling benignly, replied,

"Son, you're in Bangkok now.....it's a local call







Guess what these instructions are for...

Read the 10 to-do instructions and then scroll for the answer - NO CHEATING!

1. Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.

2. Form a loose grip.

3. Keep your head down.

4. Avoid a quick back swing.

5. Stay out of the water.

6. Try not to hit anyone.

7. If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you.

8. Don't stand directly in front of others.

9. Quiet please... while others are preparing to go.

10. Don't take extra strokes.
..
..
..
..
..
Very good. Now flush the urinal, go outside, and tee off!

(From a sign posted at a local golf course restroom :)

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Re: Jokes Archive.....
« ตอบกลับ #34 เมื่อ: 15 มกราคม, 2005, 10:09:49 PM »

From : Kuntira ... Friend of Intania 61




Radio Show


Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this.

Many Chicago folks DID hear this on the WBAM FM morning show in Chicago. The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is called "Mate Match".

The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone.

If the contestant answers "yes", he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions.

The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner (with phone number) for verification. If their partner answers those same three questions correctly, they both win the prize. One particular game, however, several months ago made the


City of Big Shoulders drop to its knees with laughter and is possibly the funniest thing I've heard yet.

Anyway, here's how it all went down:


DJ: "Hey! This is Edgar on WBAM. Have you ever
heard of 'MateMatch'?"

Contestant: (laughing) "Yes, I have."

DJ: "Great! Then you know we're giving away a
trip to Orlando, Florida if you win. What is your name? First only please."

Contestant: "Brian."

DJ: "Brian, are you married or what?"

Brian: "Yes."

DJ: "Yes? Does that mean you're married or you're what?"

Brian: (laughing nervously) "Yes, I am married."

DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name?
First only please."

Brian: "Sara."

DJ: "Is Sara at work, Brian?"

Brian: "She is gonna kill me."

DJ: "Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?"

Brian: (laughing) "Yes, she's at work."

DJ: "Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?"

Brian: "She is gonna kill me."

DJ: "Brian! Stay with me here!"

Brian: "About 8 o'clock this morning."

DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."

Brian: (laughing sheepishly) "Well..."

DJ: "Question #2 - How long did it last?"

Brian: "About 10 minutes."

DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that if a trip wasn't at stake."

Brian: "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice."

DJ: "Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this morning?"

Brian: (laughing hard) "I, ummm, I, well..."

DJ: "This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?"

Brian: "Not that it was all that great, but her mom is
staying with us for a couple of weeks..."

DJ: "Uh huh..."

Brian: "...and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time."

DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."

Brian: "On the kitchen table."

DJ: "Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred times I've done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get this wife's work number and call her up. You listen to this." 3 minutes of commercials follow.)




DJ: "Okay audience, let's call Sarah, shall we?" (touch tones.... ringing....)

Clerk: "Kinkos."

DJ: "Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?"

Clerk: "This is she."

DJ: "Sarah, this is Edgar with WBAM. We are live on the air right now and I've been talking with Brian
for a couple of hours now."

Sarah: (laughing) "A couple of hours?"

DJ: "Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to give any answers away o r you'll lose.

Sooooooo... do you know the rules of 'MateMatch'?"

Sarah: "No."

DJ: "Good!"

Brian: (laughing)

Sarah: (laughing) "Brian, what the hell are you up to?"

Brian (laughing) "Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely honest."

DJ: "Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off to Orlando, Florida for 5 days on us. Disney World. Sea World. Tickets to the Magic's game. The whole deal. Get it Sarah?"

Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."

DJ: "Alright. When did you last have sex, Sarah?"

Sarah: "Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to work."

DJ: "What time?"

Sarah: "Around 8 this morning."

DJ: "Very good. Next question. How long did it last?"

Sarah: "12, 15 minutes maybe."

DJ: "Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his manhood. We've got one lastquestion, Sarah. You are one question away from a trip to Florida. Are you ready?"

Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."

DJ: "Where did you have it?"

Sarah: "OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them
that, did you?"

Brian: "Just tell him, honey."

DJ: "What is bothering you so much, Sarah?"

Sarah: "Well, it's just that my mom is vacationing with us and..."

DJ: Come on Sarah.....where did you have it?




Sarah: "In the ass....."




After a long pause, the DJ said,

"Folks, we need to take a station break..... "� � :-[� �:D




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Re: Jokes Archive.....
« ตอบกลับ #35 เมื่อ: 15 มกราคม, 2005, 10:10:58 PM »

Proxy Father
..... This one killed me !



The Smiths were unable to conceive children, and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family.

On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said,

"I'm off. The man should be here soon".

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

"Good morning madam. I've come to......"

"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.

"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies."

"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat."

After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too....you can really spread out!"

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."

"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"My, my, that's a lot of ..! ! ." gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."

"Don't I know it," Mrs. Smith muttered.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures.

"This was done on the top of a bus."

"Oh my god!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her
handkerchief.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."

"She was difficult ?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."

"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.

"Yes", the photographer said. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate! Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your um...equipment ?"

"That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work"

"Tripod??

"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold very long.

Madam? Madam?... ..Good Lord, she's fainted!!


 
โดยคุณ Jokesmonster  เสาร์ที่ 26 ต.ค. 45 (17:21 น.)
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Re: Jokes Archive.....
« ตอบกลับ #36 เมื่อ: 15 มกราคม, 2005, 10:13:32 PM »

There are 70 ways to keep a woman happy:



One is to take her shopping.



The rest is 69.






Three men are sleeping in the same bed together. In the morning they started discussing their dreams.

The man on the right said

"I had a dream that I was getting a hand job".

The man on the left said

"I had a dream that I was getting a hand job too".

Then the man in the middle replied,

"Thats really weird, I had a dream that I was skiing."





The Sandals...



*** WARNING ***

This joke contains an adult theme. STOP here if this type of humor offends you.



This married couple was on holiday in Pakistan. (Yah, like that's gonna happen soon :)

Anyway, they were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed this small sandal shop.

From inside they heard a gentleman with a Pakistani accent say,

" You, foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop." So the couple walked in.

The Pakistani man said to them, "I have some special sandals I think you'd be interested in. You no need viagra... my sandals work much betterl !"

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man had claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex god he was.

The husband asked the man,

" How could sandals improve your sex drive?"

The Pakistani man replied, "Just try them on."

Well, the husband, after much badgering from his wife, finally conceded to try them on.

As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes; something his wife hadn't seen in many years--- raw sensual desire.

In a blink of an eye, the husband rushed the Pakistani man, threw him on a table and started tearing off the guys clothes. All the time the Pakistani man was screaming -


"YOU HAVE THEM ON THE WRONG FEET!"
 
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Re: Jokes Archive.....
« ตอบกลับ #37 เมื่อ: 15 มกราคม, 2005, 10:14:35 PM »

The Human Design

Three freshman engineering students were sitting around one day arguing about who might have designed the human body.

The first one said, "It must've been a mechanical engineer. The human body has all those levers and pivots and stuff. A mechanical engineer must have designed all that."

The second one said, "No, it had to have been an electrical engineer. The complex way the nerves are wired up to the brain must have been designed by an eletrical engineer."

The third one said, "No, it was a civil engineer. Who else would have run a waste water line through a recreational area?"

 




Mr. Perkins, the biology instructor at a posh suburban girl's junior college, asked during class,

" Miss Smythe, would you please name the organ of the human body which, under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define those conditions? "

Miss Smythe gasped, then said coolly,

"Mr. Perkins, I don't think that is a proper question to ask me. I assure you, my parents will hear of this," and sat down red-faced.

Unperturbed, Mr. Perkins called on Miss Johnson and asked the same question. Miss Johnson, with composure, replied,

" The pupil of the eye, in dim light."

"Correct Miss Johnson." said Mr. Perkins.

"And now, Miss Smythe, I have three things to say to you. ONE, you have not studied your lesson. TWO, you have a dirty mind. And THREE, you will some day be faced with a dreadful disappointment."

 
 
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« ตอบกลับ #38 เมื่อ: 15 มกราคม, 2005, 10:15:44 PM »

Pong+ is out shopping and discovers a new brand: "Olympic Condoms."

Impressed, he buys a pack. Upon arriving home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made.

"Olympic condoms?" she blurts. "What makes them so special?"

"They're in three colors," Pong+ replies, "gold, silver, and bronze."

"What color are you planning on wearing tonight?" she asks cheekily.

"Why, gold, of course," says the man proudly.

"Really?" she responds.

"Why don't you wear the silver tonight? It'd be nice if you came second for a change."

 



From Khun KOB

ตอบไม่เคยผิด


อดัมส์กับแมรี สองสามีภรรยามักจะไปโบสถ์ด้วยกันเป็นประจำ แต่แมรีมักมีปัญหาง่วงนอนและแอบ งีบเป็นประจำระหว่างที่หลวงพ่อกำลังเทศน์

อดัมส์กับหลวงพ่อจึงปรึกษากันเพื่อหาทางแก้ ....หลวงพ่อแนะนำให้อดัมส์พกเข็มไปโบสถ์ด้วย ....ถ้าหลวงพ่อเห็นแมรีหลับ หลวงพ่อจะชี้มือเป็นสัญญาน แล้วให้อดัมส์เอาเข็มทิ่มแมรีให้ตื่น

อาทิตย์ต่อมาหลวงพ่อก็ขึ้นเทศน์ตามปกติ แล้วแมรีก็หลับเป็นปกติเหมือนกัน หลวงพ่อเทศน์ถามผู้ฟังว่าใครเป็นพระผู้ช่วยให้รอดของพวกเรา ....บังเอิญหันไปเห็นแมรีหลับพอดี หลวงพ่อเลยยกมือชี้ให้รู้ อดัมส์เห็นสัญญาณ ก็เอาเข็มทิ่มเอวแมรีไปหนึ่งที แมรีสะดุ้งตื่นร้องขึ้นว่า " พระเยซู !! "

"ถูกต้อง" หลวงพ่ออธิบายให้ฟังถึงพระเยซู เทศน์ไปอีกพักหนึ่งหลวงพ่อก็ถามว่าพระเยซูเป็นพระบุตรของใคร บังเอิญเห็นแมรีหลับอีกจึงยกมือ ขึ้นชี้

" พระเจ้า !! " แมรีตะโกนเสียงดัง เพราะโดนอดัมส์เอาเข็มทิ่มเข้าอีก

หลวงพ่อเทศน์ต่ออีกนานจนน่าเบื่อ หลวงพ่อเทศน์อธิบายไปถึงประวัติอดัมกับอีฟ ว่าทั้งสองให้กำเนิดมนุษย์ถึง 99 คน หลวงพ่อถามว่า
มีใครรู้บ้างว่าอีฟพูดกับอดัมว่าอย่างไรพร้อม กับชี้มือมาที่แมรีที่หลับต่อ

คราวนี้อดัมส์ทิ่มเข็มแรงกว่าสองครั้งแรก แมรีสะดุ้งโหยงลุกขึ้นคำรามด้วยความโกรธ

" ไอ้อดัมส์ กูเจ็บนะโว๊ย ...ถ้า+++ทิ่มกูอีกทีเดียวกูจะตบบ้องหู+++ให้ "

 
 
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Re: Jokes Archive.....
« ตอบกลับ #39 เมื่อ: 15 มกราคม, 2005, 10:19:00 PM »


Dhani's Secrets to a Successful Marriage


My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last:


1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little wine, some good food and good companionship.

She goes Tuesday's, I go Fridays.


2. We also sleep in separate beds.

Hers is in Florida and mine is in Cincinnati.


3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.


4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. ...

" Somewhere I haven't been in a long time ! " she said.

So I suggested the kitchen.


5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.


6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster, and electric bread maker.

Then she said, "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!"

So I bought her an electric chair.


7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburettor. I asked where the car was, she told me,......" In the lake. "


8. My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost weight, but BOY, can she climb a tree now.


9. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.


10. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?"

The driver said, "No, jump in!"


11. Remember....Marriage is the number one cause of divorce. Statistically, 100% of all divorces started with marriage.


12. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.


13. I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her
.

14. The last fight was my fault. My wife asked,
"What's on the TV?"... I said, 'Dust!"


15. In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.


16. Why do men die before their wives? Cause they want to.


17. What is the difference between a dog and a fox?
About 5 drinks.


18. A beggar walked up to my wife shopping on Michigan Ave. and said "I haven't eaten anything in four days."

She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower."


โดยคุณ Jokesmonster  เสาร์ที่ 26 ต.ค. 45 (18:03 น.)




... เรื่องนี้ สำหรับ นาย Yoe  7210 .... อิ อิ


Yoe's Password....


A female computer consultant was helping Yoe set up his computer. She asked him what word he would like to use as a password to log in with.

Wanting to embarrass the female, he told her to enter "p*n*s".


Without blinking or saying a word, she entered the password. She almost died laughing at the computer's response


: PASSWORD REJECTED. ........ NOT LONG ENOUGH.
 
โดยคุณ Jokesmonster  อาทิตย์ที่ 27 ต.ค. 45 (09:07 น.)







เรื่องนี้ จะใส่ชื่อใครดีล่ะ ..... เป็น นาย X ก้อแล้วกันนะ ...อิ อิ


Don't Laugh


X went to the doctor and said,

"Doctor, I've got this problem you see, only you've got to promise not to laugh."

The doctor replied,

"Of course I won't laugh, that would be thoroughly unprofessional. In over twenty years of being a doctor, I've never laughed at a patient."

" OK then, " said X , and he droped his trousers.


The doctor was greeted by the sight of the tiniest p*n*s he has ever seen in his life. Unable to control himself, he fell about laughing on the floor.


Ten minutes later he was able to struggle up to his feet and wiped the tearsfrom his eyes.


"I'm so sorry," he said to X ,


"I don't know whatcame over me, I won't let it happen again. Now what seems to be the problem? "


X looked up at the doctor sadly and said,



"It's swollen."
 
 
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Re: Jokes Archive.....
« ตอบกลับ #40 เมื่อ: 15 มกราคม, 2005, 10:20:31 PM »


LAWYER IN SPACE !



...NASA was interviewing professionals they were figuring on sending to Mars. The touchy part was that only one guy could go and it would be a one way trip, the guy not ever returning to Earth.

The interviewer asked the first applicant, an engineer, how much he wanted to be paid for going.

"One million dollars," the engineer answered. "And I want to donate it all to my alma mater--Rice University."


The next applicant was a doctor, and the interviewer asked him the same question.

"Two millions dollars," .....the doctor said. ....."I want to give a million to my family and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research."


The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer's ear, ....."Three million dollars."

"Why so much more than the others?" the interviewer asked.


The lawyer replied,

"You give me three million, I'll give you one million, I'll keep a million, and we'll send the engineer."

 




An ambitious yuppie finally decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life... until the boat sank! The man found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies... Nothing. Only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to him. In disbelief he asks her:

"Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

"I rowed from the other side of the island," she says. "I landed here when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he says. "You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you."

"Oh, this?" replies the woman. "I made the rowboat out of raw material that I found on the island; the oars were whittled from gum tree branches; I wove the bottom from palm branches; and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But-but, that's impossible," stutters the man. "You had no tools or hardware. How did you manage?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replies the woman.

"On the south side of the island, there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware."


The guy is stunned.

"Let's row over to my place, " she says.


After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks onto shore, he nearly falls out of the boat.

Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb-struck.


As they walk into the house, her beautiful breasts bouncing with each step, she says casually,

"It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down please; would you like to have a drink?"

"No thank you," he says, still dazed. "Can't take any more coconut juice."

"It's not coconut juice," the woman replies. "I have a still. How about a Pina Colada?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk.

After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces,

"I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom."

No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, is a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened onto its end, inside of a swivel mechanism.

"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What next?"


When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines and a shell necklace-strategically positioned-and smelling faintly of gardenias.

She beckons for him to sit down next to her.

"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him,

"we've been out here for a very long time. You've been lonely. I've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right about now, something you've been longing for all these months? You know... " She stares into his eyes.


He can't believe what he's hearing. His heart begins to pound. He's truly in luck:

"You mean...", he gasps,


"...I can actually read my favorite HTG2 from here??"

 
 
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Re: Jokes Archive.....
« ตอบกลับ #41 เมื่อ: 15 มกราคม, 2005, 10:21:56 PM »


โลกอนาคต

ปีค.ศ. 2096 โลกมนุษย์สามารถติดต่อกับสิ่งมีชีวิตต่างดาวที่ทรงภูมิปัญญาได้เป็นครั้งแรก และก็นำมาซึ่งสิ่งใหม่หลายๆอย่าง จนกระทั่งโครงการทดลองผสมข้ามเผ่าพันธุ์ได้เริ่มต้นขึ้น มนุษย์โลกคู่หนึ่งได้ถูกเลือกไปทำหน้าที่นี้ สมมติว่าชื่อ อาดัม กับ อีฟ ก็แล้วกัน

การทดลองถูกกำหนดให้มีขึ้นในยานอวกาศของมนุษย์ต่างดาวที่ลอยลำอยู่ในอวกาศเหนือพื้นโลก ฝ่ายมนุษย์ต่างดาวก็ส่งตัวแทนมาสองคนเช่นเดียวกัน

เมื่ออีฟและมนุษย์ต่างดาวฝ่ายชาวเข้าอยู่ในห้องส่วนตัวแล้ว เธอก็ต้องผิดหวังอย่างรุนแรง เมื่อพบว่าอุปกรณ์ของมนุษย์ต่างดาวนั้นมีขนาดแค่ไม้ขีดไฟก้านหนึ่งเท่านั้น
"ไม่ต้องห่วง" มนุษย์ต่างดาวว่าพลางเคาะหน้าผากตัวเองสามสี่ครั้ง ทุกทุกครั้งที่เคาะ "อุปกรณ์" จะยืดยาวออกมาหนึ่งนิ้วเศษๆ
"แต่มันจะใช้การได้ไงล่ะ นี่มันเส้นบะหมี่ชัดๆเลย" อีฟยังกังวลใจ
"ไม่มีปัญหา" มนุษย์ต่างดาวว่าพลางเคาะดึงหูตัวเองสามสี่ครั้ง ทุกทุกครั้งที่ดึง "อุปกรณ์" จะพองโตออกมาจนได้ขนาดพอเหมาะพอเจาะ
แล้วการทดลองก็สัมฤทธิ์ผลด้วยดี

วันถัดมาเมื่ออาดัมกับอีฟมาเจอกันอีกครั้ง
"เมื่อคืนเป็นไงบ้าง" อาดัมถาม
"วิเศษสุดเลย" อีฟบอก "แล้วคุณล่ะ" เธอถามกลับ
"ไม่ไหว" อาดัมส่ายหน้า "ไม่รู้เธอเป็นบ้าอะไร เอาแต่ทุบหัวกับดึงหูผมทั้งคืนเลย!"



 
โดยคุณ ขอแจม   อาทิตย์ที่ 27 ต.ค. 45 (15:10 น.) 








Beachwalker was on the beach and walked up to a beautiful girl in a bikini -

"I want to feel your breasts" he exclaimed.

"Get away from me, you crazy man" she replied.


"I want to feel your breasts, I will give you twenty dollars," he says.

"Twenty dollars, are you nuts!? Get away from me!"


"I want to feel your breasts, I will give you ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS" he stated.

"NO! Get away from me!"


"TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS" he offered.

She paused to think about it, but then comes to her senses and said, "I said NO!"


"FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS if you let me feel your breasts," he claimed.

She thought, well he is very smart, and he seems harmless enough...and $500 IS a lot of money....


"Well, OK...but only for a minute."


She loosened her bikini top and while both are standing there on the beach, he slid his hands underneath and began to feel... then he started saying,

"OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD..."

while he was caressing them.




Out of curiosity, she asked him,

"Why do you keep saying, 'Oh my god, oh my god'?"



While continuing to feel her breasts he answered,




"OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD... OH MY GOD,


where am I ever going to get those five hundred dollars?

 
โดยคุณ Jokesmonster  จันทร์ที่ 28 ต.ค. 45 (08:16 น.) 

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« ตอบกลับ #42 เมื่อ: 15 มกราคม, 2005, 10:22:54 PM »

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him,

"Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquired.

They say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?'"


"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment.


"You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem.I have two male talking parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, an we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying...that phrase...in no time."


"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."


The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage, holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.


After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison:

"Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"


There was stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed,


"Put the beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered!"

 




Keep the Motor Running


It was the stir of the town when an 80-year-old man married a 20-year-old girl.

After a year she went into the hospital to give birth.


The nurse came out to congratulate the fellow.

"This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?"


He answered, "You've got to keep that old motor running."



The following year she gave birth again. The same nurse said,

"You really are amazing. How do you do it?"


He again said, "You've got to keep the old motor running."


The same thing happened the next year. The nurse said, "You must be quite a man."


He responded, "You've got to keep that old motor running."


The nurse then said,




"Well, you had better change the oil, this one's black!"

 
 
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« ตอบกลับ #43 เมื่อ: 15 มกราคม, 2005, 10:24:08 PM »


A husband and wife decided they needed to use code to indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on it. They decided on the word “Typewriter.”

One day the husband told his five year old daughter,

“Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter.”



The child told her mother what her dad said and her mom responded,

"Tell your daddy that he can’t type a letter right now because there is a red ribbon in the typewriter."


The child went back to tell her father what mommy said.


A few days later the mom told the daughter,

"Tell daddy that he can type that letter now."


The child told her father, returned to her mother and announced,



"Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand."

 




There was an expectant father who had spent quite some time waiting for the offspring to arrive - at his in-laws' place.

As his leave balance had gone into the red, he tells his father-in-law, "When my son comes, do not call up my office and say that I have become a father of a boy because I'll have to shell out a lot for parties. Just leave me a message that the clock has arrived. This will be our code for the arrival of the baby."

The offspring does finally arrive one day, but it's a daughter. The father-in-law now thinks to himself, "If I tell him that the clock has not arrived, he'll misunderstand and think that something has happened to the baby and come rushing over."

So the father-in-law left the following message:

"The clock has arrived, but the pendulum is missing."
 
 
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« ตอบกลับ #44 เมื่อ: 15 มกราคม, 2005, 10:25:00 PM »


A dietitian was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.

Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.

But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said,






"Wedding cake."

 




A company chairman was given a ticket for a performance of Schubert's unfinished Symphony. Since he was unable to go, he passed the invitation to the company's Quality Assurance Manager. The next morning, the chairman asked him how he enjoyed it, and, instead of a few plausible observations, he was handed a memorandum which read as follows;

For a considerable period, the oboe players had nothing to do. Their number should be reduced, and their work spread over the whole orchestra, thus avoiding peaks of inactivity.

All twelve violins were playing identical notes. This seems unnecessary duplication, and the staff of this section should be drastically cut. If a large volume of sound is really required, this could be obtained through the use of an amplifier.

Much effort was involved in playing the demi-semiquavers. This seems an excessive refinement, and it is recommended that all notes should be rounded up to the nearest semiquaver. If this were done, it would be possible to use trainees instead of craftsmen.

No useful purpose is served by repeating with horns the passage that has already been handled by the strings. If all such redundant passages were eliminated, the concert could be reduced from two hours to twenty minutes.

In light of the above, one can only conclude that had Schubert given attention to these matters, he probably would have had the time to finish his symphony.
 
 
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« ตอบกลับ #45 เมื่อ: 15 มกราคม, 2005, 10:26:21 PM »


Two guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court before the judge. The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday."

Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the first one, "How did you do over the weekend?"

"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever," he said.

"Seventeen people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?" the judge said.

"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles: and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (the small circle) is your brain after drugs."

"That's admirable," said the judge. "And you, how did you do?" he asked the second guy.

"Well, your honor, I persuaded one hundred fifty six people to give up drugs forever," he said.

"That many people! How amazing! How did you manage to do that!" the judge asked.



"Well, I used the same two circles. I pointed to the small circle and told them, 'this is your anus before prison,'" he said.
 






  Sid and Al were sitting in a Chinese restaurant.

"Sid," asked Al, "are there any Jews in China?"

"I don't know," Sid replied. "Why don't we ask the waiter?"

When the waiter came by, Al asked him, "Are there any Chinese Jews?"

"I don't know sir, let me ask," the waiter replied, and he went into the kitchen. He returned in a few minutes and said,

"No, sir. No Chinese Jews."

"Are you sure?" Al asked.

"I will check again, sir." the waiter replied and went back to the kitchen.

While he was still gone, Sid said, "I cannot believe there are no Jews in China. Our people are scattered everywhere."

When the waiter returned he said, "Sir, no Chinese Jews."

"Are you really sure?" Al asked again. "I cannot believe there are no Chinese Jews."

"Sir, I ask everyone," the waiter replied exasperated.


"We have orange Jews, prune Jews, tomato Jews and grape Jews, but no one ever hear of Chinese Jews!"
 
 
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« ตอบกลับ #46 เมื่อ: 15 มกราคม, 2005, 10:28:06 PM »


A sales rep, an administration clerk and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke.

The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one."

"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk."I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone.


In astonishment, "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone.


"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.


The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."



MORAL OF THE STORY: always let your boss have the first say.

 
โดยคุณ Jokesmonster  พุธที่ 26 มี.ค. 46 (20:03 น.)
 

 




Little-Known Chocolate Tidbits...


If you get melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.

Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.

Problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in hot car. Solution: Eat it in the parking lot.

Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite and you'll eat less.

A nice box of chocolates provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Isn't that handy?

If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.

Equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate is a balanced diet.

The preservatives in chocolate make you look younger.

Why is there no such organization as Chocoholics Anonymous? Because no one wants to quit.

Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done!
 

โดยคุณ Jokesmonster  พุธที่ 26 มี.ค. 46 (20:16 น.)
 
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« ตอบกลับ #47 เมื่อ: 15 มกราคม, 2005, 10:29:12 PM »


A son asks his father, "What can you tell me about politics?

He have said, "OK, son, the best way I can describe politics is to use an analogy. Let's say that I'm a capitalist because I'm the breadwinner. Your mother will be the government because she controls everything, our maid will be the working class because she works for us, you will be the people because you answer to us, and your baby brother will be the future. Does that help any?"

The little boy said, "Well, Dad, I don't know, but I'll think about what you said."

Later that night, after everyone had gone to bed, the little boy was awaken by his baby brother's crying.

Upon further investigation, he found a dirty diaper.

So, he went down the hall to his parent's bedroom and found his father's side of the bed empty and his mother wouldn't wake up.

Then he saw a light on in the guest room down the hall, and when he reached the door, he saw through the crack that his father was in bed with the maid.

The son then turned and went back to bed.

The next morning, he said to his father at the breakfast table,

"Dad, I think I understand politics much better now."

"Excellent, my boy," he answered, "What have you learned?"

The little boy thought for a minute and said, "I learned that capitalism is screwing the working class, government is sound asleep ignoring the people, and the future's full of crap."
 





The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.


The teacher then announced,

"Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, Gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner.!"


The room really got quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand.

"Yes?" replied the teacher.




"Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

 
โดยคุณ Jokesmonster  พฤหัสบดีที่ 3 เม.ย. 46 (21:44 น.)
 
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« ตอบกลับ #48 เมื่อ: 15 มกราคม, 2005, 10:31:12 PM »


OVERDUE......


A young husband comes home one night, and his wife throws her arms around his neck:

" Darling, I have great news. I'm a month overdue. I think we're going to have a baby! The doctor gave me a test today, but until we find out for sure, we can't tell anybody. "


The next day, a guy from the electric company rings the doorbell, because the young couple haven't paid their last bill.


"Are you Mrs. Smith? You're a month overdue!"

"How do YOU know?" stammers the young woman.

"Well, ma'am, it's in our files!" says the man.

"What are you saying? It's in your files?????"

"Absolutely."

"Well, let me talk to my husband about this tonight."



That night, she tells her husband about the visit, and he, mad as a bull, rushes to the electric company offices.

"What's going on here?

"You have it on file that my wife is a month overdue? What business is that of yours?" the husband shouts.


"Just calm down," says the clerk,
"it's nothing serious. All you have to do is pay us."


"PAY you? and if I refuse?"

"Well, in that case, sir, we'd have no option but to cut you off."

"And what would my wife do then?" the husband asks.


"I don't know. ...........

I guess she'd have to use a candle."

 

โดยคุณ Jokesmonster  พุธที่ 14 ม.ค. 47 (13:00 น.)
 




Wet Smokers

Two old ladies were outside their nursing home having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.

Lady 1: What's that?

Lady 2: A condom.

Lady 1: Where'd you get it?

Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.



The next day, the first lady hobbled into the local drugstore and announced to the pharmacist that she wanted to buy a package of condoms.

The guy looked at her kind of strangely (she was, after all, in her 80s), but politely asked what brand she preferred.


"Doesn't matter," she replied, "as long as it fits a Camel."

 

โดยคุณ Jokesmonster  ศุกร์ที่ 20 ก.พ. 47 (10:08 น.) 
 

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« ตอบกลับ #49 เมื่อ: 15 มกราคม, 2005, 10:32:58 PM »

New Born Baby


There was a middle-aged couple who had two stunningly beautiful blonde teen-aged daughters. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.

After months of trying, the wife became pregnant and sure enough, nine months later delivered a healthy baby boy.


The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he has ever seen.

He went to his wife and said that there was no way that he could be the father of that child.

"Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!"


Then he gave her a stern look and asked,

"Have you been fooling around on me?"



The wife just smiled sweetly and said,


"Not this time."



 



Kindergarten Lecture


Attorney General Ashcroft was visiting an elementary school.

After the typical civics presentation, he announced,

"All right, boys and girls, you can ask me questions now."


A little boy named Bobby raised his hand and said,

"Mr. Ashcroft, I have three questions.

First, how did Bush win the election with fewer votes than Gore?

Second, why are you using the USA Patriot Act to limit Americans' civil liberties?

And third, why hasn't the U.S. caught Osama Bin Laden yet?"


Just then the bell sounded and all the kids ran out to the playground.


After lunch the kids were back in class and Attorney General Ashcroft said,

"I'm sorry we were interrupted by the bell. Now, you can ask me questions."



A little girl raised her hand and said, "Mr. Ashcroft, I have five questions.

First, how did Bush win the election with fewer votes than Gore?

Second, why are you using the USA Patriot Act to limit Americans' civil liberties?

Third, why hasn't the U.S. caught Osama Bin Laden yet?

Fourth, why did the bell go off 20 minutes early?



And fifth, where's Bobby?"

 
โดยคุณ Jokesmonster  ศุกร์ที่ 20 ก.พ. 47 (10:15 น.) 
 
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« ตอบกลับ #50 เมื่อ: 15 มกราคม, 2005, 10:34:25 PM »
An office manager was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them one question and their answer would determine who would get the job.


The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the Interviewer asked What is the fastest thing you know of?"

Pointing to the man on his right.


The first man replied "A THOUGHT. It pops into your head. There's no forewarning that it's on the way, it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of."


" That's very good! " replied the interviewer.


And now you sir? He asked the second man.

"Hmm....let me see, A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of."


"Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye. That's a very popular clich้ for speed," as he turned to the third man who was contemplating his reply.

Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch, when you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light at the barn comes on in an instant." TURNING ON A IGHT is the fastest thing I can think of."


The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man.

"It's hard to beat the speed of light." he said.


Turning to the fourth man, he posed the question.


" After hearing the three previous answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA."


" WHAT ! ? " said the interviewer, stunned by the response.


" Oh I can explain." said the fourth man.

"You see the other day I wasn't feeling so good ! and I ran for the bathroom. But, before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I HAD SHIT MY PANTS ! "



HE GOT THE JOB!

 
โดยคุณ Dr.Pongsarn - intania61.com    ศุกร์ที่ 12 มี.ค. 47 (10:17 น.) 







เมื่อแขกเป็นพนักงานขาย

ชายชาวอินเดียคนหนึ่งย้ายไปอยู่ที่มอนทรีล เขาไปสมัครงานที่ห้างใหญ่แห่งหนึ่ง

ผู้จัดการถามเขาว่า " คุณเคยมีประสบการณ์ด้านการขายมาบ้างไม๊? "

ชายชาวอินเดียผู้นั้นก็ตอบว่า " อีนี้เคยสิครั่บ ....ตอนอยู่ที่บ้านเดิม ฉานเคยเป็นพนักงานขาย "


ผู้จัดการรู้สึกพอใจ จึงรับเขาเข้าทำงาน " ยูมาเริ่มงานพรุ่งนี้เลยนะ แล้วหลังจากเราปิดร้าน ไอจะลงมาตรวจดูว่ายูทำอะไรไปบ้าง แต่ไอขอแนะนำอะไรยูหน่อยนะ อย่างถ้าลูกค้ามาซื้อยาสีฟัน นายก็น่าจะแนะนำให้เขาซื้อแปรงสีฟัน และครีมโกนหนวดไปด้วย อะไร ประมาณนี้นะ เข้าใจไม๊ ? "

" ชัวร์ อีนี้ ฉานเข้าใจครับ"



การทำงานวันแรกแม้จะยากแต่แขกบ้าคนนี้ก็ผ่านมันมาได้

หลังจากปิดร้านผู้จัดการก็มาดู " เป็นไง ขายได้กี่รายวันนี้ ? "

" อีนี้ รายเดียวขอรับ"

ผู้จัดการร้องลั่น " หา !!!! รายเดียวเองเหรอ? .... ยูรู้ไม๊ว่าพนักงานขาย ทั่วไปเค้าขายกันได้เฉลี่ยวันละ 20 หรือ 30 รายเชียวนะ ..........แล้ว เอ็ง ขายได้เงินมาเท่าใหร่วะ ไอ้บ้าเอ้ย? "


แขกตอบว่า . 101,237.64 ดอลล่าร์ครับ"

ผู้จัดการตกใจ " หา? 101,237.64 ดอลล่าร์เหรอ? ท่านขายอะไรให้เค้าไปน่ะ ? "


" ทีแรกก็เบ็ดตกปลาขนาดเล็ก แล้วก็เบ็ดขนาดกลาง แล้วก็เบ็ดขนาดใหญ่ แล้วก็คันเบ็ดรุ่นใหม่ จากนั้นพอ ฉาน ถามเขาว่าจะไปตกปลาที่ไหน เขาตอบว่าจะไปที่ชายฝั่ง

ฉาน เลยเสนอว่าเขาน่าจะมีเรือสักลำ เราเลยลงไปดูที่แผนกเรือ แล้วก็ขายเรือ Chris เครื่องยนต์คู่ให้ เขา

แล้วเขาก็บอกว่า สงสัยรถ Honda Civic ของเขาคงจะลากเรือลำนี้ไม่ไหว ฉาน เลยพาเขาลงไป ที่แผนกรถยนต์แล้วก็ขาย Pajero 4X4 ให้เขาไปได้อีกคันครับ "

ผู้จัดการถามว่า " หมายความว่า มีชายคนนึงมาที่นี่เพื่อที่จะซื้อขอเบ็ด อันเดียว แต่ท่านขายเรือกับรถกระบะให้เค้าได้งั้นเหรอ ? "


แขกบ้าก็ตอบว่า " โอ้ โนๆๆๆ อีนี้เปล่าครับ เปล่า มันแค่มาซื้อโกเต็กซ์ให้เมีย แต่อีนี้ฉาน เลยบอกมันว่า ถ้างั้นไหนๆสุดสัปดาห์นี้ก็สกรูอัพไปแล้ว ยังไง นายก็ไม่ได้อึ๊บกะเมีย แน่ๆ ดังนั้น อีนี้ อย่าช้า ไปตกปลาดีกว่ามั้ง "


 
โดยคุณ Dr.Pongsarn - intania61.com  ศุกร์ที่ 12 มี.ค. 47 (10:18 น.) 

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Re: Jokes Archive.....
« ตอบกลับ #51 เมื่อ: 15 มกราคม, 2005, 10:35:55 PM »


แผนเด็ดเพื่อขึ้นสวรรค์


ฮิปปี้ผมยาวกระเถิบเข้านั่งประกบแม่ชีในที่นั่งแถวหน้าสุด

พอรถเมล์ปลอดผู้โดยสาร เจ้าหนุ่มก็ชวนดื้อๆ
“เราไปหาที่เงียบๆ ขึ้นสวรรค์กันเถอะ”

แม่ชีสั่นหน้าปฏิเสธ แล้วรีบลงเมื่อถึงป้ายถัดมา

พนักงานขับรถได้ยินเหตุการณ์โดยตลอด พอรถแล่นออกจากป้ายจึงหันไปพูดกับฮิปปี้

“ ถ้านายสนแม่ชีคนนี้จริง ๆ ชั้นจะบอกให้ ว่าทำไงถึงจะได้เผด็จศึก”


เจ้าหนุ่มผมยาวตอบว่า ทำไมจะไม่สนล่ะ

พนักงานขับรถจึงแนะว่า

“ ทุกวันอังคารตอนเที่ยงคืน แม่ชีคนนี้จะไปสวดขอพรพระเจ้า ที่สุสานประจำเมืองไม่เคยขาด ถ้านายหาผ้ามาคลุมทำทีสวมรอยเป็นพระเจ้า นายจะสั่งอะไร แม่ชีก็ต้องยอมทั้งนั้น”

คนขับช่วยวางแผนให้เสร็จสรรพ


ครั้นถึงเวลาที่ว่า เจ้าฮิปปี้ก็แต่งองค์ทรงเครื่อง สวมหน้ากากพระเจ้า ไปดักซุ่มรอเหยื่ออยู่หลังต้นไม้

ทันใดนั้น แม่ชีปรากฎตัวเดินใกล้เข้ามา แล้วหยุดยืนสวดมนต์พึมพำ

ฮิปปี้กระโดดออก จากที่ซ่อน

“ ข้าคือพระเจ้า ข้าได้ยืนคำขอของเจ้าแล้วเจ้าจะได้ทุกสิ่งทุกอย่าง ตามประสงค์ แต่เจ้าต้องขึ้นสวรรค์กับข้าก่อน”


แม่ชียินยอมโดยดี แต่เกี่ยงงอนนิดหน่อยว่า

“เพื่อเห็นแก่พรหมจรรย์ของลูก ได้โปรดละเว้นประตูหน้าเถอะนะเจ้าคะ”


พระเจ้าฟังก็ไม่ขัดข้อง หลังจากเสร็จสมอารมณ์หมาย

เจ้าฮิปปี้ก็ถอดหน้ากากออก พลางตะโกนว่า

“ ฮ่า ฮ่า ผมคือฮิปปี้คนนั้นไง”


แม่ชีถอดหน้ากากมั่ง แล้วตะโกนดังกว่า




“ฮ่า ฮ่า อั๊วะ คนขับรถเมล์เฟ้ย ”




 


 
Computer Women


A .. HARD-DISK Woman : She remembers everything you say and do,FOREVER.!!!


B... WINDOWS Woman : Everyone knows that she can't do anything right, but you can't live without her.


C... EXCEL Woman : They say she can do a lot of things but you mostly use her for only four of your basic needs.


D... SCREENSAVER Woman : She is good for nothing functional, but at least she is exciting, colourful, and lots of fun!


E... INTERNET Woman : Difficult to access and hard to keep running.!!!


F... SERVER Woman : Claims to be available to you, but Always busy when you need her.


G... MULTIMEDIA Woman : She has a way of making horrible things look very beautiful.


H... CD-ROM Woman : She always has you on the move, going faster and faster.!!!


I... E-MAIL Woman : Out of Every ten things she says, eight are plain nonsense.


J... VIRUS Woman : Also known as "WIFE"; when you are least expecting her, she shows up, installs herself, and starts gobbling up all your resources. If you try to uninstall her, you will lose almost every thing. If you don't try to uninstall her, you will still have nothing.

 
โดยคุณ Jokesmonster  พฤหัสบดีที่ 3 มิ.ย. 47 (14:50 น.) 
 
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Re: Jokes Archive.....
« ตอบกลับ #52 เมื่อ: 15 มกราคม, 2005, 10:37:26 PM »

This one ... a little bit rude ...


A lady was in the delivery room starting to deliver her baby. As the head came out it was dark and had an afro.

The doctor said, "Madam, have you ever slept with a black man?"

"Well, yes, but only once."

"Once is all it takes" he replied.



Then the torso came out and it was yellow.

"Madam, have you ever slept with an oriental man?"

"Well, yes" she said, "but only once."

"Once is all it takes," he said.


When the legs came out they were red. The doctor asked her if she had ever slept with an Indian.

"Well, yes" she said, "but only once."

"Once is all it takes," he said.


He finally pulled the baby all the way out and held it upside down and slapped its bottom to make it cry.


As it started to cry the woman exclaimed




"Oh, thank God, at least it doesn't bark!"


 




Mongolian VD


An American tourist goes on a trip to China. While in China, he is very sexually promiscuous and does not take any precautions. A week after arriving back home he awakens one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see his doctor.

The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results. The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, "I've got bad news for you. You've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it."

The man looks a little relieved and says, "Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up doc."

The doctor answers, "I'm sorry, there's no known cure other than to amputate your penis."

The man screams in horror, "Oh no! I want a second opinion!"

The doctor replies, "Well it's your choice. Go ahead if you want, but surgery is your only choice."



The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, "Ah yes, Mongolian VD. Very rare disease."

The guy says to the doctor, "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can you do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!"

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs, "Stupid American doctor! American doctor, always want to operate. Make more money, that way."


"Then there's no need to operate? Oh, thank God!" the man replies.


"Yes!" says the Chinese doctor,



"You no worry! Wait two weeks, it fall off by itself!"


 
โดยคุณ Jokesmonster� พฤหัสบดีที่ 3 มิ.ย. 47 (21:48 น.)


 
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Re: Jokes Archive.....
« ตอบกลับ #53 เมื่อ: 15 มกราคม, 2005, 10:39:07 PM »

Sex Drive

"You're in remarkable shape for a man your age," said the doctor to the ninety-year old man after the examination.

"I know it," said the old gentleman. "I've really got only one complaint-my sex drive is too high. Got anything you can do for that, Doc?"


The doctor's mouth dropped open. "Your what?!" he gasped.


"My sex drive," said the old man. "It's too high, and I'd like to have you lower it if you can."


"Lower it?!" exclaimed the doctor, still unable to believe what the ninety-year old gentleman was saying. "Just what do you consider 'high'?"


"These days it seems like it's all in my head, Doc," said the old man,



"and I'd like to have you lower it a couple of feet if you can."

 



A Real Ball Buster



"Doc," says Steve, "I want to be castrated."

"What on earth for?" asks the doctor in amazement.

"It's something I've been thinking about for a long time and I want to have it done" replies Steve.

"But have you thought it through properly?" asks the doctor, "It's a very serious operation and once it's done, there's no going back. It will change your life forever!"

"I'm aware of that and you're not going to change my mind -- either you book me in to be castrated or I'll simply go to another doctor."

"Well, OK.", says the doctor, "But it's against my better judgment!"



So Steve has his operation, and the next day he is up and walking very slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor with his drip stand. Heading towards him is another patient, who is walking exactly the same way.


"Hi there," says Steve,"It looks as if you've just had the same operation as me."


"Well," said the patient, "I finally decided after 37 years of life that I would like to be circumcised."



Steve stared at him in horror and screamed,



"Shit! THAT'S the word!”





 
 
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Re: Jokes Archive.....
« ตอบกลับ #54 เมื่อ: 15 มกราคม, 2005, 10:40:47 PM »


Headache



The Doctor said: "The good news is I can cure your headaches...The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."


Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.


When he left the hospital, he was headache free for the first time in over 20 years, but he felt as if he was missing an important part of himself.

As he walked down the street he realized he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need, a new suit."



The elderly salesman e+++ him quickly and said, "Let's see, you're a size 44 long."


Joe laughed and said, "That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years!"



Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the tailor asked, "How about a new shirt?"

Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."

"Let's see, 16 and a half neck, 34 sleeve."

Joe was surprised. "How did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years." The shirt fit perfectly.



As Joe looked at himself in the mirror, the salesman said, "You could use new shoes."

Since Joe was on a roll, he said, "Sure."


The man e+++ Joe's feet and said, "9-1/2E."

Joe was astonished. "That's right. How did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years." Joe tried on the shoes and they also fit perfectly.



As Joe walked comfortably around the shop, the salesman asked, "How about new underwear?"


Joe thought for a second and said, "Why not."

The man stepped back, e+++ Joe's waist and said, "Let's see, size 36."


Joe laughed. "Finally I've got you! I've worn size 32 since I was 18 years old."



The tailor shook his head. "You can't wear a size 32. Size 32 underwear would press your testicles against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

 

โดยคุณ Jokesmonster  ศุกร์ที่ 4 มิ.ย. 47 (20:59 น.)
 

 


  เด็กสาวอายุ 17 คนหนึ่งซึ่งเป็นคนที่หน้าตาดีมาก จึงทำให้มีชายหนุ่มจำนวนมากที่เข้ามาจีบเธอ เธอรู้สึกกลัวว่า ผู้ชายที่เข้ามาหาเธอนั้นต้องการที่จะมีอะไรกับเธอ เธอจึงตัดสินใจไปปรึกษาแม่ของเธอ แม่ของเธอจึงให้คำแนะนำกับเธอว่า

" ไม่ต้องกลัวลูก ต่อไปนะ ถ้ามีผู้ชายคนไหนพยายามจะทำอะไรลูก ให้ถาม เขาไปว่า ' จะตั้งชื่อลูกของเราว่าอะไรดี ' นั่นจะทำให้ทุกคนกลัว "


หลังจากนั้น เธอก็ได้ไปที่งานปาร์ตี้ มีผู้ชายที่เข้ามาเต้นรำกับเธอ และเขาก็เริ่มจูบและกอดเธอ เธอจึงกระซิบ ถามเขาไปว่า " เราจะตั้งชื่อลูกของเราว่าอะไรดี "

ชายหนุ่มรีบหาข้อแก้ตัว และเขาก็หายไปเลย


หลังจากนั้น ก็มีเรื่องอย่างนี้เกิดขึ้นอีก มีผู้ชายเข้ามารู้จักกับเธอ แล้วเขาจูบที่คอเธอ และไล่ลงมาที่ไหล่ เธอหยุดเขา และถามเขาถึงเรื่องชื่อลูกอีก เขาก็หนีไปเลย



ต่อมา เธอได้รู้จักกับผู้ชายอีกคนหนึ่ง เขาชวนเธอไปที่บ้าน

จากนั้นไม่นานเขาก็เริ่มจูบเธอ เธอก็ถามไปทันทีว่า " เราจะตั้งชื่อลูกของเราว่าอะไรดี "

แต่เขายังคงค่อย ๆ จูบเธอต่อไป "จะตั้งชื่อลูกของเราว่าอะไรดี " เธอถามซ้ำ

แต่ไม่มีท่าทีว่าเขาจะสนใจ และเขาก็ค่อย ๆ ถอดเสื้อผ้าเธอ

" จะตั้งชื่อลูกของเราว่าอะไร " เธอตะโกนถาม


เขาก็เริ่มมีเซ็กส์กับเธอทันที

เมื่อเสร็จสิ้นภาระกิจ เธอไม่รู้จะทำอย่างไรดี

จึงถามคำถามเดิมซ้ำไปอีกที

เขาถอด condom ออกเรียบร้อย แล้วจึงตอบว่า


" ถ้ามันรอดจากไอ้นี่มาได้ ก็เรียกมันว่า David Copperfield ก็แล้วกัน "


 
โดยคุณ Jokesmonster  อังคารที่ 15 มิ.ย. 47 (21:40 น.)
 
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Re: Jokes Archive.....
« ตอบกลับ #55 เมื่อ: 15 มกราคม, 2005, 10:41:57 PM »
Good Laugh


During a trial, in a small Missouri town, the local prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand.

She was sworn in, asked if she would tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, on the Bible, so help her God.

The witness was a proper well-dressed elderly lady, the Grandmother type, well spoken and poised.


The prosecuting attorney approached the woman and asked,
"Mrs. Jones, do you know me?'"

She responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, cheat on your wife, manipulate people and talk badly about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the sense to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper-pushing shyster." "Yes, I know you quite well."



The lawyer was stunned. He couldn't even think for a few minutes. Then, he slowly backed away, fearing the looks on the judge and jurors' faces, not to mention the court reporter who documented every word.


Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked,

"Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"


She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster too. He's lazy, bigoted, has a bad drinking problem. The man can't build or keep a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. Yes, I know him!"


The defense attorney almost fainted and was seen slipping downward in his chair, looking at the floor.

Laughter mixed with gasps, thundered throughout the courtroom and the audience was on the verge of chaos.


At this point, the judge brought the courtroom to silence, called both counselors to the bench, and in a very quiet voice said,


" If either of you morons asks her if she knows me, you're going to jail."


 



A famous heart specialist doctor died and everyone was gathered at his funeral. A regular coffin was displa+++ in front of a huge heart.

When the minister finished with the sermon and after everyone said their good-byes, the heart was opened, the coffin rolled inside, and the heart closed.

Just at that moment one of the mourners started laughing.

The guy next to him asked: "Why are you laughing?"

"I was thinking about my own funeral" the man replied.

"What's so funny about that?"

"I'm a gynecologist . "


 
โดยคุณ Jokesmonster� เสาร์ที่ 21 ส.ค. 47 (14:55 น.)
 
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Re: Jokes Archive.....
« ตอบกลับ #56 เมื่อ: 15 มกราคม, 2005, 10:44:04 PM »
Dear Employee:

As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for department areas, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel.


Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future. Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately.


This program will be known as SLAP (Sever Late-Aged Personnel). Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the company.


SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This review phase of the program is called SCREW.


SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers). All employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with upper management.


This appeal is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination).


Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate.


If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled to get: HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance) or CLAP (Combined Lump sum Assistance Payment).


As HERPES and CLAP are considered benefit plans, any employee who has received HERPES or CLAP will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the company.


Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that the company will continue its policy of training employees through our:


Special High Intensity Training (SHIT). We take pride in the amount of SHIT our employees receive. We have given our employees more SHIT than any company in this area. If any employee feels they do not receive enough SHIT on the job, see your immediate supervisor.


Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure you receive all the SHIT you can stand.


And, once again, thanks for all your years of service with us.

 



An old couple were sitting in their living room on a Sunday morning watching a religious program.


The preacher on this show would go to all the people in the audience and asking them what they wanted fixed, then he would have them cover the part of their body they wanted fixed.


Many of the people were elderly so they were covering their eyes and hearts. Then the preacher said "Ok now for you at home put your hand on the part of your body you want fixed and say this prayer with me."


So the little old lady put her hand on her heart, because she had a very bad heart. And the little old man put his hands on his crotch.


The little old lady turned to her husband and said



"He said he could heal the sick, not raise the dead!"

 

โดยคุณ Jokesmonster� เสาร์ที่ 21 ส.ค. 47 (21:30 น.)�
 





The Blonde at School

Day1:

A blonde comes home from school and says to her mum,"We learned how to count up to 5 today mummy. I got up to 10. Is it because I'm blonde, mummy?"

Mum replies: "yes dear"


Day 2:

"We learned how to do the alphabet today mummy. The others only got up to E and I got up to S. Is it because I'm blonde, mummy?"

Mum replies: "yes dear"


Day 3:

"We learned about breasts today mummy. All the other girls are flat chested and I'm a 36DD. Is it because I'm blonde, mummy?"


Mum replies: "No dear, it's because your 25."



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Re: Jokes Archive.....
« ตอบกลับ #57 เมื่อ: 18 มกราคม, 2005, 03:04:31 PM »
From http://www.jokesgallery.com/


Maths And Logic


There are two nuns. One of them is known as Sister Mathematical (SM) and the other one is known as Sister Logical (SL). It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.


SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.


SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most.What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
 

SM: It's not working

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster too.


SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.



So the man decided to follow Sister Logical. Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried what has happened to Sister Logical.

Then Sister Logical arrives...



SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me.


SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.


SM: And?

SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.


SM: What did you do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.


SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.



SM: Oh, no! What happened then?



SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down........



(And those of you who thought it would be a dirty ending, Pray for forgiveness you heathens!) ;)






Doctor's Love

One night a man and a woman are both at a bar knocking back a few beers. They start talking and come to realize that they're both doctors. After about an hour, the man says to the woman,

"Hey. How about if we sleep together tonight. No strings attached. It'll just be one night of fun."

The woman doctor agrees to it. So they go back to her place and he goes in the bedroom. She goes in the bathroom and starts scrubbing up like she's about to go into the operating room. She scrubs for a good 10 minutes. Finally she goes in the bedroom and they have sex for an hour or so.

Afterwards, the man says to the woman, "You're a surgeon, aren't you?"

"Yeah, how did you know?" The man says, "I could tell by the way you scrubbed up before we started."

"Oh, that makes sense", says the woman.

" You're an anesthesiologist aren't you?"

"Yeah", says the man , a bit surprised. "How did you know?"


The woman answers, " Because I didn't feel a thing."



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Re: Jokes Archive.....
« ตอบกลับ #58 เมื่อ: 18 มกราคม, 2005, 09:27:58 PM »
From http://www.jokesgallery.com/



Cannibals Meal

Two cannibals, a father and son, were elected by the tribe to go out and get something to eat. They walked deep into the jungle and waited by a path.


Before long, along came this little old man. The son said, "Ooh dad, there's one."

"No," said the father. "There's not enough meat on that one to even feed the dogs. We'll just wait."



Well, a little while later, along came this really fat man. The son said, "Hey dad, he's plenty big enough."

"No," the father said. "We'd all die of a heart attack from the fat in that one. We'll just wait."



About an hour later, here comes this absolutely gorgeous woman.

The son said, "Now there's nothing wrong with that one dad. Let's eat her."



"No," said the father. "We'll not eat her either."

"Why not?" asked the son.



"Because, we're going to take her back alive and eat your mother."





Visit To Rome

A man walked in to Joe's Barber Shop for his regular haircut. As he snips away, Joe asks "What's up?"
The man proceeds to explain he's taking a vacation to Rome.

"ROME?!" Joe says, "Why would you want to go there? It's a crowded dirty city full of Italians! You'd be crazy to go to Rome! So how ya getting there?"

"We're taking TWA," the man replies.

"TWA?!" yells Joe. "They're a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly and they're always late! So where you staying in Rome?"

The man says "We'll be at the downtown International Marriot."

"That DUMP?!" says Joe. "That's the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly and slow and they're overpriced! So whatcha doing when you get there?"

The man says "We're going to go see the Vatican and hope to see the Pope."

"HA! That's rich!" laughs Joe. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on THIS trip. You're going to need it!"

A month later, the man comes in for his regular haircut. Joe says, "Well, how did that trip to Rome turn out? Betcha TWA gave you the worst flight of your life!"

"No, quite the opposite" explained the man. "Not only were we on time in one of their brand new planes, but it was full and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28 year old flight attendant who waited on me hand and foot!"

"Hmmm," Joe says, "Well, I bet the hotel was just like I described."

"No, quite the opposite! They'd just finished a $25 million remodeling. It's the finest hotel in Rome, now. They were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the Presidential suite for no extra charge!"

"Well," Joe mumbles, "I KNOW you didn't get to see the Pope!"

"Actually, we were quite lucky. As we toured the Vatican, a Swiss guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained the Pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into this private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, after 5 minutes the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand. I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me."

Impressed, Joe asks, "Tell me, please! What'd he say?"

"Oh, not much really. Just


"Where'd you get that awful haircut?"

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Re: Jokes Archive.....
« ตอบกลับ #59 เมื่อ: 18 มกราคม, 2005, 09:31:41 PM »
 :D :D :D มึนเลยเรา :D :D :D
S.10 - ten -ten - S.10