ผู้เขียน หัวข้อ: Jokes Archive.....  (อ่าน 67680 ครั้ง)

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Re: Jokes Archive.....
« ตอบกลับ #120 เมื่อ: 06 กันยายน, 2005, 10:09:53 PM »


Bad Luck In Action



There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."



"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

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« ตอบกลับ #121 เมื่อ: 09 กันยายน, 2005, 03:31:39 PM »

A lonely woman



A lonely woman, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married. So she decided to put an ad in the local paper that read:


อ้างถึง

HUSBAND WANTED:
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70'S),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME
AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.




On the second day after her add ran in the paper, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman sitting in a wheel chair. He had no arms or legs.

The old woman said, "You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you...you have no legs!

The old man smiled. "Therefore, I cannot run around on you!"


She snorted. "You don't have any arms either!"

Again the old man smiled, "I will never beat you!"


She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, "Are you still good in bed???"



The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said..."I rang the doorbell, didn't I ????"





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« ตอบกลับ #122 เมื่อ: 09 กันยายน, 2005, 03:40:17 PM »

Job interview



A job seeker was interviewing, and the interviewer asked him, "Tell me what is your greatest strength?"


The prospective employee said, "Sir, I am a little bit shy, but should I give you my honest answer?"

The interviewer says, "Of course, yes. I expect nothing but honesty from my staff."



The job seeker says, "Sir, my greatest strength is my wife."


The interviewer was quite impressed with the spousal respect of this man, thought he could be a great member of his team, corporate community and he deserved the job.


So with an intention of offering him the job soon the interviewer tried to wrap up with the last question,

"Tell me now, what is your greatest weakness?"


The guy felt encouraged, and went on,


"Sir, my greatest weakness is someone else's wife."





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« ตอบกลับ #123 เมื่อ: 09 กันยายน, 2005, 03:44:34 PM »
from http://www.free-dirty-jokes.net/


Fleas visit



One winter year, these two little fleas headed for the warm sunny beaches of California to escape the cold.



The first flea got there and started rubbing suntan lotion on his little flea arms and his little flee legs.


Just then, the second flea arrived just a shiverin' and a shakin'.

The first flea asked, "What the hell happened to you?"


To which the second flea replied "I just rode out here on a bikers mustache and I'm so very coldddd!"

The first flea said, "Don't you know the special trick to gettin here, first you go to the airport, go straight to the ladies cammode, wait for a pretty young stewardess to come along, and when she sits down you climb right up in there where its nice and warm".



The second flea agreed that this was a grand idea.



The next winter comes along and it was time for the fleas to head for the sunny beaches again.

The first flea arrived and began putting suntan lotion on his little flea arms and his little flea legs.



About that time, the second flea arrived again just a shiverin', shakin', and mumbling about how cold he was.

The first flea exclaimed "Didn't you learn anything that I taught you about getting here nice and warm?"



To which the second flea replied, "I did just as you said; I went to the ladies cammode and this pretty stewardess came in and sat down, I climbed right up in there and it was so very warm.



Next thing I know we stop at a bar and I fell asleep. All of a sudden I woke and there I was, right back on that bikers mustache!



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« ตอบกลับ #124 เมื่อ: 09 กันยายน, 2005, 03:48:20 PM »


Guilty conscience



An elderly Italian Jewish man wanted to unburden his guilty conscience by talking to his Rabbi.

"Rabbi, during World War II, when the Germans entered Italy, I pretended to be a 'goy' and changed my name from Levi to Spamoni and I am alive today because of it."

"Self preservation is important and the fact that you never forgot that you were a Jew is admirable," said the Rabbi.



"Rabbi, a beautiful Jewish woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans. I hid her in my attic and they never found her."

"That was a wonderful thing you did and you have no need to feel guilty."




"It's worse Rabbi. I was weak and allowed her to repay me for my efforts with her sexual favours."

"You were both in great danger and would have suffered terribly if the Germans had found her. There is a favourable balance between good and evil and you will be judged kindly. Give up your feelings of guilt."



"Thank you, Rabbi. That's a great load off my mind. But I have one more question."

"And what is that?"







" Should I tell her the war is over ? "





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« ตอบกลับ #125 เมื่อ: 10 กันยายน, 2005, 09:07:19 AM »

Hillary's Visit



Hillary Clinton goes to a primary school in Ithaca, New York to talk about the world.

After her talk she offers question time.
One little boy puts up his hand, and the Senator asks him what his name is.

"Kenneth."

"And what is your question, Kenneth?"

"I have three questions:

First - whatever happened to your medical health care plan?

Second - why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office?

And third - whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House?"



Just then the bell rings for recess. Hillary Clinton informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess. When they resume Hillary says,

"Okay where were we? Oh, that's right, question time. Who has a question?"


A different little boy puts his hand up; Hillary points him out and asks him what his name is.

"Larry."


"And what is your question?"

"I have five questions:



First - whatever happened to your medical health care plan?

Second - why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office?

Third - whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House?


Fourth - why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?





And fifth - what happened to Kenneth?"




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« ตอบกลับ #126 เมื่อ: 10 กันยายน, 2005, 09:08:21 AM »

A Human Car Performance



Three women were talking about their love lives.


The first said, "My husband is like a Rolls-Royce; smooth and sophisticated."


The second said, "Mine is like a Porsche; fast and powerful."



The third said, "Mine is like an old Chevy.



It needs a hand start and I have to jump on while it's still going."




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« ตอบกลับ #127 เมื่อ: 10 กันยายน, 2005, 09:09:56 AM »
Coca Cola Classics

The salesman explained,

"When I got posted in the Middle East, I was very confident that I will makes a good sales pitch as Cola is virtually unknown there.

 But, I had a problem I didn't know to speak Arabic. So, I planned to convey the message through 3 posters...


First poster, a man crawling through the hot desert sand... totally
exhausted and fanting.

Second, the man is drinking our Cola and

Third, our man is now totally refreshed.



Then these posters were pasted all over the place"



"That should have worked," said the friend.


The salesman replied,


" Well, not only did I not speak Arabic, I also didn't realize that Arabs read from right to left..."


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« ตอบกลับ #128 เมื่อ: 11 กันยายน, 2005, 09:50:15 AM »

Tea time..


เรียน ท่านผู้จัดการ
 
กระผม นายจ้อน มีความประสงค์ขอขึ้นเงินเดือนโดยมีเหตุผลดังนี้

1.เป็นผู้ใช้แรงงาน
2.ทำงานในที่ลึกมาก และอับชื้น
3.ต้องสอดหัวเข้าไปก่อนทุกครั้งที่ทำงาน
4.ไม่มีวันหยุดสุดสัปดาห์ และไม่เคยหยุดพักร้อน
5.ไม่เคยได้รับค่าล่วงเวลา
6.ทำงานในที่มืด และไม่มีอากาศถ่ายเท
7.ทำงานในที่รัอนอบอ้าว
8.ทำงานที่ต้องเสี่ยงกับโรคติดต่อ

จึงเรียนมาเพื่อพิจารณา
 
 


ผุ้จัดการตอบมาว่าไม่อนุมัติ เนื่องจากเหตุผลดังนี้

1. คุณไม่ได้ทำงาน 8 ชมต่อวัน
2. คุณมักงีบหลับหลังทำงานเสมอ
3. คุณไม่ทำงานตามคำสั่งบ่อย ๆ
4.คุณไม่ประจำอยู่ในที่ทำงานคุณ และมักจะไปรับงานที่อื่นบ่อย ๆ
5.คุณไม่มีความเป็นผู้นำ ต้องอาศัยแรงกดดันและสั่นสะเทือนเพื่อกระตุ้นให้ทำงาน
6.คุณทิ้งให้ที่ทำงานสกปรก เลอะเทอะเมื่องานเสร็จ
7.คุณมักไม่ปฏิบัติตามกฎแห่งความปลอดภัย เช่นไม่สวมเสื้อป้องกัน
8.คุณเกษียณอายุก่อน 65 ปี
9.คุณไม่สามารถทำงานควบสองกะได้
10.บางครั้งคุณละทิ้งหน้าที่ก่อนเสร็จงาน หรือไม่งั้น คุณก็จะเข้า และออกจากที่งานพร้อมกับแบกกระเป๋าที่น่าสงสัยสองใบ

จึงแจ้งมาเพื่อทราบ

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« ตอบกลับ #129 เมื่อ: 19 กันยายน, 2005, 10:51:28 PM »

Mary Ellen


A man is sitting reading his newspaper when his wife sneaks up and
whacks him real hard on the head with a frying pan.

"What was that for?" he asks.

"That was for the piece of paper in your trousers pocket with the name
of Mary Ellen written on it" she replies.

"Don't be silly," he says, "Two weeks ago when I went to the races,
Mary Ellen was the name of one of the horses I bet on."

She seems satisfied at this and apologizes.

Three days later, he is again sitting in his chair reading when she
nails him with an even bigger frying pan, instantly knocking him out
cold.

When he comes around he asks: "What was that for?"





"Your horse phoned!"



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« ตอบกลับ #130 เมื่อ: 19 กันยายน, 2005, 10:54:43 PM »

Sending Telegrams



* A daughter sends a telegram to her father on her clearing B.Ed exams, which the father receives as

" Father, your daughter has been successful in BED."





* A husband, while he is on a business trip to a hill station sends a telegram to his wife " I wish you were here."

The message received by wife, "I wish you were her."




* A wife with near maturing pregnancy goes to railway station to return to her husband. At the reservation counter, while her turn came, it was the last ticket. Taking pity on a very old lady next to her in the queue, she offered her berth to the old lady and sent a telegram to her husband which reached as

" Shall be coming tomorrow, heavy rush in the train, gave birth to an old lady."





* And the most famous of them all...

A man wants to celebrate his wife's Birthday by throwing a party. So he goes to order a birthday cake.

The salesman asks him what message he wants to put on the cake. Well he thinks for a while and says let's put,

" you are not getting older you are getting better ".



The salesman asks "how do you want me to put it?"


The man says, Well put " You are not getting older", at the top

and "You are getting better" at the bottom.



The real fun didn't start until the cake was opened the entire party watched the message decorated on the cake




" You are not getting older at the top...... You are getting better at the bottom "







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Re: Jokes Archive.....
« ตอบกลับ #131 เมื่อ: 23 กันยายน, 2005, 07:08:21 AM »


สิ่งที่ห้ามทำ 5 ข้อ เมื่อคุณจะเข้านอน :

 
1) ห้ามใส่นาฬิกาข้อมือ เมื่อเข้านอน  ... เพราะนาฬิกาข้อมือจะปล่อย รังสีอะตอมขนาดเล็ก ออกมาขณะที่ร่างกายผักผ่อน  ซึ่งมันจะมีผลกระทบกับสุขภาพคุณแน่นอน
 

2) ห้ามใส่เสื้อชั้นในสตรี เมื่อเข้านอน ........ นักวิทยาศาสตร์อเมริกาได้ค้นพบว่าถ้าใส่ บราเกิน 12 ช.ม. ต่อวัน คุณๆ ผู้หญิงมีโอกาสเสี่ยงสูงใน การเป็นมะเร็งเต้านม ..... เข้านอนโดยปราศจากบราเถอะ
 

3) ห้ามวางโทรศัพท์มือถือไว้ใกล้ตัว เมื่อเข้านอน ....... ไม่แนะนำให้วางโทรศัพท์มือถือไว้บนเตียง หรือข้างเตียง โดยเฉพาะบางคนใช้มันเป็น นาฬิกาปลุก ควรวางไว้ห่างๆ ตัวเอง  ..... นักวิทยาศาสตร์พิสูจน์ได้ว่าวงจรอิเล็คโทรนิคในโทรศัพท์มือถือ  ชุดเครื่องเสียง
และโทรทัศน์จะปล่อยคลื่น  แม่เหล็กขณะใช้งาน ซึ่งส่งผลกระทบระบบประสาท

ดังนั้นถ้าคุณจำเป็นต้องวางไว้ใกล้ตัวขณะนอน......ปิดเครื่องพวกมัน


 
4) ห้ามเข้านอน โดยไม่ได้ล้าง  make up บนหน้า ..... ถ้าเข้านอนโดยไม่ได้ลบ Make up บนใบหน้า จะเกิดปัญหากับผิวในระยะยาวเพราะผิวหนังจะขับของเสียขณะนอนหลับได้ลำบาก
 







5) ห้ามเข้านอนกับ สามีหรือภรรยา ของคนอื่น  ....................





คุณอาจจะไม่ตื่นอีกเลย    :-[





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Re: Jokes Archive.....
« ตอบกลับ #132 เมื่อ: 24 กันยายน, 2005, 08:39:25 AM »

Brain's Change Result



Three women are out shopping at an antique shop. They stumble upon an unusual lamp. A voice heard from a genie within the lamp begs to be set free in return for granting each of them a wish.


Now one of the women just doesn't believe it, and says:

"Ok, if you can really grant wishes, than double my I.Q."    The genie says: "Done."

Suddenly, the woman starts reciting Shakespeare flawlessly and analysing it with extreme insight.




The second woman is so amazed she says to the genie : "Triple my I.Q." The genie says: "Done."

The woman starts to spout out all the mathematical solutions to problems that have been stumping all the scientists of varying fields: physics, chemistry, etc.




The last woman is so enthralled with the changes in her friends, that she says to the genie: "Quintiple my I.Q."

The genie looks at her and says: "You know, I normally don't try to change people's minds when they make a wish, but I really wish you'd reconsider."

The woman says: "Nope, I want you to increase my I.Q. times five, and if you don't do it, I won't set you free.

" "Please," says the genie "You don't know what you're asking...it'll change your entire view on the universe...won't you ask for something else...a million dollars, anything?" But no matter what the genie said, the woman insisted on having her I.Q. increased by five times it's usual power.

So the genie sighed and said: "Done."








And she became a man.




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« ตอบกลับ #133 เมื่อ: 30 กันยายน, 2005, 10:12:02 PM »


Automatic Radio



A lady bought a new Lexus. Cost a bundle. Two days later, she brought it back, complaining that the radio was not working.


"Madam," said the sales manager, "the audio system in this car is completely automatic. All you need to do is tell it what you want to listen to, and you will hear exactly that!"



She drove out, somewhat amazed and a little confused. She looked at the radio and said, "Nelson."

The radio responded, "Ricky or Willie?"



She was astounded. If she wanted Beethoven, that's what she got. If she wanted Nat King Cole, she got it.

She was stopped at a traffic light enjoying "On The Road Again" when the light turned green and she pulled out.



Suddenly an enormous sports utility vehicle coming from the street she was crossing sped toward her, obviously not paying attention to the light. She swerved and narrowly missed a collision.



" Idiot ! " she yelled

and, from the radio,






" Ladies and gentlemen, the President of the United States ."



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« ตอบกลับ #134 เมื่อ: 04 ตุลาคม, 2005, 11:18:49 PM »

http://www.jokesgallery.com


Useful Sermon



A man once spent days looking for his new hat.

Finally, he decided that he'd go to church on Sunday  and sit at the back. During the service he would sneak out and grab a hat from the rack at the front door.


On Sunday, he went to church and sat at the back.

The sermon was about the 10 commandments. He sat through the whole sermon and instead of sneaking out he waited until the sermon was over and went to talk to the minister.


" Father, I came here today to steal a hat to replace the  one I lost. But after hearing your sermon on the 10  Commandments, I changed my mind. "



The minister said,

" Bless you my son. Was it when I  started to preach ' Thou shall not steal ,' that changed  your heart?"



The man responded,



 " No, it was the one on adultery. When you started to preach on that, I remembered where I left my hat."





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« ตอบกลับ #135 เมื่อ: 08 ตุลาคม, 2005, 08:21:14 AM »

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Some Marriage's Insights

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
-- Henny Youngman



My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
-- Rodney Dangerfield



A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
-- Milton Berle



I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
-- George Burns



What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? ........... About 30 pounds.
-- Cindy Garner



I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There was
water in the carburetor."

I said, "Where's the car?" She said,

"In the lake."

-- Henny Youngman




Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
-- Phyllis Diller



The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
-- Henny Youngman



People are always asking couples whose marriages have endured� at least a quarter of a century for their secret for success.
Actually, it is no secret at all. I am a forgiving woman.� Long ago, I forgave my husband for not being Paul Newman.
-- Erma Bombeck



After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I� was a fool when I married you."
The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."



When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.



I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.


My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two girlfriends.


A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.





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« ตอบกลับ #136 เมื่อ: 12 ตุลาคม, 2005, 11:00:26 PM »


A Christian Deed




An atheist was taking a walk through the woods.

"What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.



He turned to look and saw a 7 foot grizzly bear charge towards him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him.

He looked over his shoulder again and the bear was even closer.

He triped and fell on the ground.
He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.



At that instant the Atheist cried out to the Lord.

Time stopped, the bear froze, the forest was silent. A bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky,

"You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't exist, and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"



The atheist looked directly into the light,

"It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps could you make the BEAR a Christian?"



"Very well," said the voice.

The light went out.



The sounds of the forest resumed. And then the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together and bowed his head and spoke:




" Lord, bless this food, which I am about to receive through Christ our Lord, Amen."





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« ตอบกลับ #137 เมื่อ: 13 ตุลาคม, 2005, 11:27:44 PM »
from   http://www.pantown.com/board.php?id=5474&name=board1&topic=589&action=view




บอกให้อม แค่นี้ต้องให้บังคับด้วย
    ;) 

 
 

บอกให้อม แค่นี้ต้องให้บังคับด้วย

 


มีหญิงสาว กับชายหนุ่ม อยู่ในห้อง

สองต่อสอง ชายจับแท่ง แกว่งให้สั่น

ชายสั่งหญิง ให้อม ในปากพลัน

หญิงดื้อรั้น ชายเร่งเร้า ด้วยอารมณ์

จับโคนไว้ เอาปลายแหย่ ให้เข้าปาก

หญิงกระดาก หุบปากนิ่ง เอาหน้าก้ม

ชายก็บ่น เหตุผลใด ถึงไม่อม

ต้องขู่ข่ม ให้หายดื้อ กันหรือไร

พูดดีดี ก็ไม่ฟัง ต้องบังคับ

เอามือจับ ปากให้อ้า คว้าแท่งใส่

ใช้ปากอม เธอไม่เคย เลยหรือไง ?....


 
 












นี่ปรอท...วัดไข้ หมอให้อม ....     :-[


 
 
 
 
 
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« ตอบกลับ #138 เมื่อ: 14 ตุลาคม, 2005, 10:44:15 PM »

http://www.jokesgallery.com





English Hospitality



An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the locals, and have a pint of bitter.


After a while, he finds himself in a very nice neighbourhood with big, stately residences. No pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all no public restrooms.


However, he really has to go, after all those Guinness's. He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.


As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London bobby, who says,

" Sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know."



"I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really have to go, and I just can't find a public restroom."


"Ah, yes," said the bobby, "just follow me". He leads the American to a back delivery alley to a gate, which he opens.



"In there," points the bobby, "whiz away sir, anywhere you like."



The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom.



Since he has the policeman's blessing, he relieves himself and feels much more comfortable. As he goes back through the gate, he says to the bobby

" That was really decent of you. Is that what you call English hospitality ? "



"No sir...", replied the bobby,







" that is what we call the French Embassy."    ;)



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« ตอบกลับ #139 เมื่อ: 25 ตุลาคม, 2005, 10:01:27 AM »


Importance Of A Name

Peter decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Peter's station wagon and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm house and asked the attractive lady of the house if they could spend the night.



"I'm recently widowed," she explained, "and I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."



"Not to worry," Peter said, "we'll be happy to sleep in the barn."



Nine months later, Peter got a letter from the widow's attorney. He then went up to visit his friend Bob and said,

"Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow at the farm we stayed at?"

"Yes, I do."



"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and have sex with her?"

"Yes, I have to admit that I did."



"Did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"

Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, I'm afraid I did."






" Well, thanks! She just died and left me everything ! "






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« ตอบกลับ #140 เมื่อ: 25 ตุลาคม, 2005, 10:04:00 AM »

http://www.jokesgallery.com/




Speed Limit




An old man was driving down the Interstate at 22 miles per hour, never going faster or slower.

A police officer noticed and followed him for a while, then pulled him over.


Before the officer could even get to the car, the man was saying, 'I was not speeding, the speed limit is 22 miles per hour and that is exactly what I was doing, I was not speeding.'



The police officer said, 'I didn't pull you over for speeding, I pulled you over for going too slow.'

'But the sign says 22.'


The officer explained that he was on Interstate 22.






As the man shook his head, the officer noticed that there were three older ladies in the back of the car.


All of them were sitting with their mouths hanging open and spit drooling down the side. Their faces were very white and their hair was completely messy.


The police officer leaned toward the man and asked, 'What's wrong with them?'







'Well, we just came off Interstate 134.'


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« ตอบกลับ #141 เมื่อ: 11 พฤศจิกายน, 2005, 08:11:33 PM »
 ;)

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« ตอบกลับ #142 เมื่อ: 11 พฤศจิกายน, 2005, 08:13:54 PM »

Subject: British  Intelligence -



This story was buried by the press- and has only been recently released by British Intelligence:


Osama Bin Laden himself decided to send George Bush a letter in his own handwriting, to let him know he was still in the game.


Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a single line of coded message:

370HSSV-0773H


Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Condi Rice. Condi and her aides had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI. No one could solve it at the FBI, so it went to the CIA, then to the NSA.


With no clue as to its meaning, they eventua lly asked Britain's MI-6 for help.


Within a few minutes MI-6 cabled the White House with this reply







" Tell the President he's holding the message upside down ! "





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« ตอบกลับ #143 เมื่อ: 23 พฤศจิกายน, 2005, 10:35:13 PM »


Talking Centipede



A man walks into a pet shop and says to the owner.

" Ok I want to buy a pet, but I don't want a boring normal pet, no cats, or dogs or budgies I want something different."

The pet shop owner informs him that he has a talking centipede.

 " Really?" Says the man " How much?"

The owner informs him that the talking centipede is £50. Happy with the unusual offering the man pays the money and takes his new pet home.


On getting home he lays the match box with the centipede in it on the table, opens it and says

" Hello mr centipede, fancy going to the pub for a few drinks ? "

The centipede says nothing. Figuring it must be tired from the journey he decides to leave it for an hour and try again later.



An hour later he opens the match box and says
" Hello mr centipede, fancy going to the pub for a few drinks ?"

The centipede again says nothing. Starting to get suspicious the man decides he will give it one more hour, and if the centipede doesn't talk he will take it back to the shop for a refund.



An hour later the man opens the match box and says " Hello mr centipede, fancy going to the pub for a few drinks? "








 The centipede says " I heard you the first time you moron! I'm putting my shoes on! "



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« ตอบกลับ #144 เมื่อ: 02 ธันวาคม, 2005, 11:53:31 PM »

Special Ring



An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.


The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him. The old man said,

 "I don't think you understand, I want something very special."




At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.

"Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said.



The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said,

 " We'll take it. "



The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by check.

" I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.



Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man.

" There's no money in that account."




"I know", said the old man,






" but can you imagine the weekend I had ? ".




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« ตอบกลับ #145 เมื่อ: 10 ธันวาคม, 2005, 08:33:07 AM »
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Couldn't Get It Up




Two twin brother, virgin midgets decide to get two hookers for their 21st birthday. So the two grab two hookers, rent a hotel room, turn off the lights and proceed to partake in the festivities.


The first midget gets so nervous that he can't get it up. After two hours of coaxing and stroking and praying, he throws the sheets over himself and gives up.

To makes things worse for the poor little fella, was that he had to listen to his brother say, '' One, two, three. Ugh! One, two, three. Ugh! '' all night long.



In the morning, the second midget greets his brother and asks him how his night went?


The first brother replies, '' Man, it was terrible. I couldn't even get my shit up.''



The second brother replies,





'' You couldn't get it up? I couldn't even get on the bed. "



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« ตอบกลับ #146 เมื่อ: 14 ธันวาคม, 2005, 11:01:30 PM »


Beware Of Naked Peanuts



One day, a minister decided that he would visit some members of his congregation at their homes to encourage them and find out how they were doing.


After having already visited several members, he arrived at the door of a poor, elderly widow. He rang.


She answered, and let him in. He was ushered into the living room where he and the widow sat down and began a casual conversation.



After a few minutes into his conversation, he noticed a candy dish, full of peanuts, on the coffee table.

Under ordinary circumstances, he would not have asked the question, but it was almost noon, and he hadn't eaten anything since his early breakfast and he was beginning to feel quite hungry.


So, he asked the widow, "do you mind if I have some of these nuts?"

"Help yourself," she replied. So, he did.




Well, they continued chatting, when the minister realized that he had finished all the peanuts in the dish.

He felt quite embarrassed for having gotten so carried away in his conversation, that he didn't even think to leave some in the dish for her.



So, shamefully, he said to her, "I'm really sorry. It seems that I've eaten all your peanuts - I didn't mean to finish them all. Please forgive me."



The poor, elderly widow casually waved her hand at him and said,




" Oh, that's quite all right. Since I don't have any teeth, all I can do is suck the chocolate off them anyway ! "   :black_eye 









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« ตอบกลับ #147 เมื่อ: 14 ธันวาคม, 2005, 11:05:59 PM »


Problems In Maths



Little Tommy was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything; tutors, flash cards, special learning centers, in short, everything they could think of. Finally in a last ditch effort, they took Tommy down and enrolled him in the local Catholic School.




After the first day, little Tommy comes home with a very serious look on his face. He doesn't kiss his mother hello. Instead, he goes straight to his room & starts studying. Books & papers are spread out all over the room and little Tommy is hard at work. His mother is amazed.

She calls him down to dinner and to her shock, the minute he is done he marches back to his room without a word and in no time he is back hitting the books as hard as before. This goes on for sometime, day after day while the mother tries to understand what made all the difference.




Finally, little Tommy brings home his report card. He quietly lays it on the table and goes up to his room and hits the books.

With great trepidation, his mom looks at it and to her surprise, little Tommy got an A in math.


She can no longer hold her curiosity.



She goes to his room and says: "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?"

Little Tommy looks at her and shakes his head "No".


"Well then", she replies, "was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms, WHAT was it?".





Little Tommy looks at her and says,






" Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around. "   :-[




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« ตอบกลับ #148 เมื่อ: 25 ธันวาคม, 2005, 08:25:24 PM »


Happy Gorrila



It's a beautiful, warm spring morning and a man and his wife are spending the day at the zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps. He's wearing his normal jeans and a T-shirt.


The zoo is not very busy this morning.As they walk through the ape exhibit, they pass in front of a very large hairy
gorilla. Noticing the woman, the gorilla goes ape. He jumps up on the bars, and holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), he
grunts and pounds his chest with his free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress.


The husband, noticing the excitement, thinks this is funny. He suggests that his wife teases the poor fellow some more.
The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom at him, and play along.


She does, and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead.

Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin.

She does, and Mr. Gorilla is about to tear the bars down.


"Now try lifting your dress up your thighs and sort of fan it at him." he says.

This drives the gorilla absolutely crazy and now he's doing flips.


Then the husband nabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to the cage, slings her into the cage with the gorilla
and slams the cage door shut.




" Now, tell HIM you have a headache . . . "     ;)



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« ตอบกลับ #149 เมื่อ: 25 ธันวาคม, 2005, 08:27:38 PM »

Guardian Angel



A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice.

"Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you."

The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished.




He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted:

"Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die."

The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.




"Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?"

"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.




"Oh yeah?" the man asked.





 " And where the hell were you when I got married ?"





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« ตอบกลับ #150 เมื่อ: 27 ธันวาคม, 2005, 04:14:54 PM »
อุ อุ .... เพื่อนส่งมาให้อ่านครับ ....  ;)




องค์หญิงโดนของแข็ง


กาลครั้งหนึ่งไม่นานเท่าไหร่หรอกหญิงนางหนึ่งถูกสาปไว้  ถ้าจับสิ่งใดขอให้หลอมละลายกลายเป็นไอน้ำ พระราชาเป็นห่วงบุตรี หาวิธีแก้ไขอย่างไรก็มิหาย หมดหนทางที่จะช่วยบุตรี

แต่จู่ ๆ ก็มีนางฟ้ามาปรากฏกายขึ้น และก็จะถอนคำสาปให้หายโดยพลัน แต่นางมีข้อแม้อย่างหนึ่งว่า
" จะต้องมีชายคนหนึ่งหาสิ่งใดก็ได้มาให้บุตรีจับแล้วไม่ละลาย คำสาปนั้นจึงจะหายไป "



พระราชาไม่รอช้ามุ่งหน้าป่าวประกาศโดยพลัน

หากชายใดสามารถถอนคำสาปได้ใน 1 วัน  ฉันจะยกลูกสาวให้เจ้าไป จนสามารถคัดเลือกเหลือ 3 คน


คนที่หนึ่งจึงเริ่มเอาของดีมาแก้ไข หยิบโครตเพชรเม็ดงามให้ ทรามวัย

เจ้าหญิงจึงยื่นมือไปแล้วแตะในทันที ยังไม่ทันจะแตะได้เต็มมือ เพชรก็หายละลายไปสิ้น

" ฉันเสียใจด้วยจริงๆ เพชรเม็ดนี้ต้องละลายไป " เจ้าหญิงกล่าว



ชายคนที่สองรองถัดมาก็เดินมาเบื้องหน้าของเจ้าหญิง  ยื่นเหล็กแหลมแข็งแกร่งไม่อ่อนนิ่มให้เจ้าหญิงลองจับสัมผัสดู

แต่แล้วมันก็ละลายหายไปหมด

" เธอก็อด ตกรอบไปเสียสิ้น "



คนสุดท้ายเดินมาตัวปล่าวไม่มีทรัพย์สิน  บอกเจ้าหญิงจงเอามือล้วงลงไปในกางเกง

เจ้าหญิงจึงล้วงลงไปในกางเกงของชายผู้นั้น หน้าเจ้าหญิงก็เริ่มแดง ด้วยความเขินอาย

แล้วจึงรีบดึงมือออกโดยพลัน หันมาบอกราชา

" เสด็จพ่อเพคะ ...มัน.... มันยังแข็งอยู่เลยคะ"



ในที่สุดชายคนที่ 3 ก็ได้เป็นผู้ชนะไป

พระราชาสงสัย มันคือะไร อยู่ในกางเกงของชายผู้นั้น .....?

ชายคนที่ 3 ไม่ยอมตอบ ได่แต่อมยิ้ม และ ก็ได้ล้วงเข้าไปในกางเกงของเขา แล้วหยิบมันออกมา

มันคือ ? ............................






M&M   ชอคโกแลต ละลายในปาก ไม่ละลายในมือ งัยอ่ะ   ;)   ^-^


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« ตอบกลับ #151 เมื่อ: 28 ธันวาคม, 2005, 10:09:37 PM »


Dead Cow



On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons.

Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the familys only cow was lying dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless to her -- how could she possibly continue to feed her family now?


In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself. When the husband awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in the head.


Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead (and the cow), and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself.



When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank. She said, Ive seen all and know the reason for your despair. But if you will have sex with me five times in a row, I will restore your parents and the cow to you.

The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply unable to satisfy her again. So the mermaid drowned him in the river.




Next the second oldest son woke up. After discovering what had happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river.

The mermaid said to him, If you will have sex with me ten times in a row, I will make everything right. And while the son tried his best (seven times), it was not enough to satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river.



The youngest son woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead cow in the field, and his brothers gone. He decided that life was a hopeless prospect, and he went down to the river to throw himself in.


And there he also met the mermaid. I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything right if you will only have sex with me fifteen times in a row.

The young son replied, Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row?



The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request.

Then he said, Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row?

And even as she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said, Why not THIRTY times in a row?



Finally, she said, Enough Okay, if you will have sex with me thirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect health.



Then the young son asked:








" Wait How do I know that thirty times in a row wont kill you like it did the cow ? "     ;)











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« ตอบกลับ #152 เมื่อ: 07 มกราคม, 2006, 11:06:41 PM »

Revange In Vegas


A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket. If he could just get to the airport he'd be able to get home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting.


He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, even offering his credit card numbers, drivers license number, address, and so forth, but to no avail. The cabbie yelled, "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!"

So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.



One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to catch a ride back to the airport.


Naturally, sitting at the end of a long line of cabs was his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the driver pay for his lack of charity, when he came up with the perfect plan.


He got in the first cab in line, "How much for a ride to the airport," he asked?


"Fifteen bucks," came the reply.

"And how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way?"


"What?! Get the hell out of my cab."




The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result.



When he finally got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?"


The cabbie replied, "fifteen bucks."

The businessman said "ok" and off they went.



Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.




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« ตอบกลับ #153 เมื่อ: 07 มกราคม, 2006, 11:10:56 PM »

Tender Aligator




A guy walks into a bar with his pet alligator, puts the gator up on the bar, and faces the patrons. "If I open this alligator’s mouth and place my genitals inside, leave ’em there for five minutes, then remove my unit unscathed, will each of you buy me a drink?"


The crowd murmurs its approval, so he gets up on the bar, drops his pants, and places his privates in the alligator’s open mouth. The gator then closes its mouth as the crowd gasps.


After five minutes, the man grabs a beer bottle and raps the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opens its mouth and the man removes his genitals—unscathed, as promised. The crowd cheers, and the first of his free drinks is delivered.



"Anyone else have the guts to give it a try?" the man dares the crowd.



After a few seconds, a blonde woman timidly speaks up.



" I’ll do it, but no hitting me on the head with the bottle."

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« ตอบกลับ #154 เมื่อ: 11 มกราคม, 2006, 07:49:30 PM »
 ;)

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« ตอบกลับ #155 เมื่อ: 11 มกราคม, 2006, 07:49:52 PM »
 ^-^

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« ตอบกลับ #156 เมื่อ: 28 มกราคม, 2006, 06:37:22 AM »

from http://www.jokesgallery.com


39 Children



Maria is a devout Catholic: She gets married and has 17 children. Soon after the last child is born her husband dies.


A few weeks later she remarries and over the following years has another 22 children with her second husband.

After the last child is born her second husband also dies.



Within a month Maria is engaged to be married a third time. Unfortunately she becomes very ill and dies.


At her wake, the priest looks tenderly at Maria as she lies in her coffin, looks up to the heavens and says,

" At least, they're finally together."



A man standing next to the priest asks,

"Excuse me, Father, but do you mean Maria and her first husband, or Maria and her second husband?"




The priest says, " I mean her legs."


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« ตอบกลับ #157 เมื่อ: 01 กุมภาพันธ์, 2006, 10:15:16 AM »
 :)

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« ตอบกลับ #158 เมื่อ: 01 กุมภาพันธ์, 2006, 10:15:32 AM »
 ;)
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« ตอบกลับ #159 เมื่อ: 01 กุมภาพันธ์, 2006, 10:15:53 AM »
 ^-^
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« ตอบกลับ #160 เมื่อ: 01 กุมภาพันธ์, 2006, 10:16:11 AM »
 :)

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« ตอบกลับ #161 เมื่อ: 01 กุมภาพันธ์, 2006, 10:16:29 AM »
 ;)

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« ตอบกลับ #162 เมื่อ: 01 กุมภาพันธ์, 2006, 10:16:48 AM »
 ^-^

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Re: Jokes Archive.....
« ตอบกลับ #163 เมื่อ: 01 กุมภาพันธ์, 2006, 10:17:15 AM »
 :bye1

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« ตอบกลับ #164 เมื่อ: 18 กุมภาพันธ์, 2006, 08:52:46 AM »

How to tell if a fly is a guy or gal


JUST TOO CUTE.

This is the cleanest E-mail joke I've come across in a long while!





A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.


" What are you doing?" She asked.


"Hunting Flies" He responded.

" Oh.. Killing any?" She asked.

" Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. " How can you tell them apart? "







He responded, " 3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."    ;)



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Re: Jokes Archive.....
« ตอบกลับ #165 เมื่อ: 03 มีนาคม, 2006, 07:02:53 AM »


Mandela
 
 
Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer when  he hears a knock at the door. When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a clip board and yelling,

"You Sign! You sign!".


Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts pipes.

Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man  starts to yell louder, "You Sign! You sign!"

Nelson says to him, "Look, you've obviously got the wrong man", and shuts the door in his face.


 
The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it, the little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads. He thrusts  his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling, "You sign! You sign!"
 

Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he pushes the little Chinese man back, shouting:

"Look, go away! You've got the wrong man! I don't want them!"

Then he slams the door in his face again.



 

The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again. On opening the door, there is the same little Chinese man thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting, "You sign! You sign!"


 Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts. This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little man by his shirt front and yells at him:


"Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give 'em these to?"

 
The little Chinese man looks very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and  says,






"You not Nissan Main Dealer?"
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Re: Jokes Archive.....
« ตอบกลับ #166 เมื่อ: 06 มีนาคม, 2006, 04:49:23 PM »


เพื่อนส่งมาให้ครับ


คำถามชิง Miss Universe

คำถาม Inter มุมมองน่าขัน (คลายเครียดยามบ่าย)

พิธีกรผู้ตั้งคำถาม : มิส อเมริกา ไม่ทราบว่า ในประเทศของคุณ  คุณให้คำจำกัดความของ อวัยวะของผู้ชาย(ไอ้นั่น) ว่า อย่างไร ?
มิส อเมริกา : ในบ้านของไอ เราเรียกมันว่า>สุภาพบุรุษ
พิธีกรผู้ตั้งคำถาม : ทำไมคุณถึงพูดอย่างนั้นล่ะ?
มิส อเมริกา: เพราะว่ามันลุกขึ้นทุกครั้ง ที่เห็นสุภาพสตรี
   (เสียงปรบมือ แปะๆ! แปะๆ!)



พิธีกรผู้ตั้งคำถาม : มิส สเปน ไม่ทราบว่า ในประเทศของคุณ  คุณให้คำจำกัดความของ อวัยวะของผู้ชาย(ไอ้นั่น) ว่า อย่างไร ?
มิส สเปน : ไอ้นั่นของผู้ชาย ในประเทศของเรา เหมือนกับ วัวกระทิง ที่เราใช้ในการแสดงการสู้วัวกระทิง
พิธีกรผู้ตั้งคำถาม : ทำไมคุณถึงพูดอย่างนั้นล่ะ?
มิส สเปน : เพราะว่า มันพุ่งเข้าหาทุกครั้ง ที่เห็นช่องเปิด
          (เสียงปรบมือ แปะๆ! แปะๆ!)



พิธีกรผู้ตั้งคำถาม : มิส ฟิลิปปินส์ ไม่ทราบว่า ในประเทศของคุณ  คุณให้คำจำกัดความของ อวัยวะของผู้ชาย(ไอ้นั่น) ว่า อย่างไร ?
มิสฟิลิปปินส์ : ฉันพูดได้เลยว่า ไอ้นั่นของผู้ชายในบ้านดิฉัน  เหมือนกับข่าวซุบซิบ และ ข่าวลือ
พิธีกรผู้ตั้งคำถาม : ทำไมคุณถึงพูดอย่างนั้นล่ะ?
มิส ฟิลิปปินส์ : เพราะว่า มันผ่านจากปากนึง สู่อีกปากนึงต่อๆกัน
   (เสียงปรบมือ แปะๆ! แปะๆ!  พร้อมทั้งลุกขึ้นโห่กรี๊ดลั่นต่อด้วยเสียงปรบมือยาว )



พิธีกรผู้ตั้งคำถาม : มิส อิหร่าน ไม่ทราบว่า ในประเทศของคุณ  คุณให้คำจำกัดความของ อวัยวะของผู้ชาย(ไอ้นั่น) ว่า อย่างไร ?
มิส อิหร่าน : โอ้ ในบ้านชั้น เราว่า ไอ้นั่น ของผู้ชายมันเหมือนกับขโมย
พิธีกรผู้ตั้งคำถาม : ทำไมคุณถึงพูดอย่างนั้นล่ะ?
มิส อิหร่าน : เพราะว่า พวกมันชอบเข้า ทางประตูหลัง
     (เสียงปรบมือ แปะๆ! แปะๆ! พร้อมเสียงหัวเราะดังลั่น ยาวต่อด้วยเสียงปรบมือยาว )


พิธีกรผู้ตั้งคำถาม : มิส อินเดีย ไม่ทราบว่า ในประเทศของคุณ  คุณให้คำจำกัดความของอวัยวะของผู้ชาย(ไอ้นั่น) ว่า อย่างไร ?
มิส อินเดีย : อืมมม ในประเทศ ของฉานๆๆ เรา ว่าไอ้นั่น ของผู้ชายมันคล้ายกับ กรรมกร
พิธีกรผู้ตั้งคำถาม : ทำไมคุณถึงพูดอย่างนั้นล่ะ?
มิส อินเดีย : เพราะว่าพวกมันต้องทำงานหนัก ทั้งกลางวัน และกลางคืนน่ะสิ
(เสียงปรบมือ แปะๆ! แปะๆ! แปะๆ! แปะๆ!แปะๆ! แปะๆ!แปะๆ! แปะๆ!ติดต่อกันยาวนาน )




พิธีกรผู้ตั้งคำถาม : มิส มาเลเซีย ไม่ทราบว่า ในประเทศของคุณ  คุณให้คำจำกัดความของ อวัยวะของผู้ชาย(ไอ้นั่น) ว่า อย่างไร ?
มิสมาเลเซีย : อ้อ ในมาเลเซีย เราคิดว่าไอ้นั่นของผู้ชายเหมือนรถโปรตอน  รถแห่งชาติ ของเรานี่แหละ
พิธีกรผู้ตั้งคำถาม : ทำไมคุณถึงพูดอย่างนั้นล่ะ?
มิส มาเลเซีย : เพราะว่า แม้ว่ามันจะดูบึกบึน แต่ความจริงแล้ว มันอ่อนมากๆ
(เสียงปรบมือ แปะๆ! แปะๆ! พร้อมเสียงหัวเราะดังลั่น ยาวต่อด้วยเสียงปรบมือยาว )



พิธีกรผู้ตั้งคำถาม : มิส สิงค์โปร์ ไม่ทราบว่า ในประเทศของคุณ  คุณให้คำจำกัดความของ อวัยวะของผู้ชาย(ไอ้นั่น) ว่า อย่างไร ?
มิสสิงค์โปร์ : ในสิงค์โปร์ เราเรียกไอ้นั่นของผู้ชาย ว่าพวก Kia-Su พวกกลัวพลาด)
พิธีกรผู้ตั้งคำถาม : ทำไมคุณถึงพูดอย่างนั้นล่ะ?
มิส สิงค์โปร์ : เพราะพวกมันชอบที่จะพรวดพราดเข้าไปอย่างรวดเร็วแล้ว  ก็รีบออกมา 15นาที ก่อนการแสดงจะจบทุกที
(เสียงปรบมือ แปะๆ! แปะๆ! แปะๆ! แปะๆ!แปะๆ! แปะๆ!แปะๆ! แปะๆ! ติดต่อกันยาวนาน )




พิธีกรผู้ตั้งคำถาม : มิส ไชน่า ไม่ทราบว่า ในประเทศของคุณ  คุณให้คำจำกัดความของ อวัยวะของผู้ชาย(ไอ้นั่น) ว่า อย่างไร ?
มิส ไชน่า : ในจีนพวกเราว่าไอ้นั่นของผู้ชายคล้ายกับท่านผู้นำ Deng Siu Ping.
พิธีกรผู้ตั้งคำถาม : ทำไมคุณถึงพูดอย่างนั้นล่ะ?
มิส ไชน่า : คือว่า แม้มัน สั้น(เตี้ย) และ ต้องตรากตรำ งานหนัก
แต่ว่ามันก็ยัง ทำงานได้จนถึงอายุ 90 ปี
(เสียงปรบมือ แปะๆ! แปะๆ! พร้อมเสียงหัวเราะดังลั่น ยาว ต่อด้วยเสียงปรบมือยาว )



พิธีกรผู้ตั้งคำถาม : มิสไทยแลนด์ ไม่ทราบว่า ในประเทศของคุณ  คุณให้คำจำกัดความของ อวัยวะของผู้ชาย(ไอ้นั่น) ว่า อย่างไร ?
มิสไทยแลนด์ : ในประเทศของเรา เราเปรียบไอ้นั่นเหมือนกับ นักการเมือง
พิธีกรผู้ตั้งคำถาม : ทำไมคุณถึงพูดอย่างนั้นล่ะ?
มิส มิสไทยแลนด์ : อ๋อ เพราะว่า พวกมันวันๆ งานการไม่ทำ ได้แต่เดินแกว่งไป แกว่งมา แล้วก็ถุย!!!ไปวันๆ เท่านั้น
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Re: Jokes Archive.....
« ตอบกลับ #167 เมื่อ: 20 พฤษภาคม, 2006, 01:13:58 PM »

http://www.jokesgallery.com/



Praying And Sleeping


Two men arrive at the Pearly Gates at about the same time, both wanting to know if they will be admitted to heaven. St. Peter asks the first man his name, where he is from, and what he did in life.


The man answers that he is John Smith and that he was a taxi driver in New York City.

St. Peter looks through his book, then gives the man a luxurious silken robe and a golden staff, and bids him welcome into heaven for his eternal reward.



St. Peter then asks the second man the same questions. He replies that his name is Thomas O’Malley, and that he was a Catholic priest in Chicago. St. Peter looks in his book, then gives him a cotton robe and a wooden staff, and bids him to enter into heaven for his eternal reward.



Father O’Malley says, " Wait a minute! Why did that taxi driver get a silken robe and golden staff while I, a Catholic Priest and a man of God, got a cotton robe and wooden staff? "



St. Peter told him that the rewards in heaven are based on results,





....... and while Father O’Malley preached, people slept,  but while John Smith drove, people prayed ! .......    ;)





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Re: Jokes Archive.....
« ตอบกลับ #168 เมื่อ: 20 พฤษภาคม, 2006, 01:17:09 PM »


Kayak Accident


The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers.


"We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife," said one trooper.

"Tell me! Did you find her?!" Wilkens shouted.



The troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"


Fearing the worst, an ashen Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."

The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in Kachemak Bay."

"Oh my God!" exclaimed Wilkens. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?"



The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 twenty-five pound king crabs and 6 good-size Dungeness crabs clinging to her."



Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great news?"









The trooper said, " We're going to pull her up again tomorrow."


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Re: Jokes Archive.....
« ตอบกลับ #169 เมื่อ: 20 พฤษภาคม, 2006, 01:20:33 PM »


Elderly Proposal




There were these two elderly people living in a Florida mobile home park. He was a widower and she a widow. They had known one another for a number of years.



Now, one evening there was a community supper in the big activity center. These two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal went on, he made a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered up his courage to ask her,

"Will you marry me?"

After about six seconds of 'careful consideration,' she answered. "Yes. Yes, I will."


The meal ended and with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their respective places.

Next morning, he was troubled. "Did she say 'yes' or did she say 'no'?" He couldn't remember.

Try as he would, he just could not recall. No even a faint memory. With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her. First, he explained to her that he didn't remember as well as he used to.


Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained a little more courage, he then inquired of her, "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did you say 'No'?"


He was delighted to hear her say, "Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and I meant it with all my heart."



Then she continued,






" And I am so glad that you called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me."     ;)






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Re: Jokes Archive.....
« ตอบกลับ #170 เมื่อ: 31 พฤษภาคม, 2006, 10:10:47 PM »


Free Riders




Three engineers
and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.


"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.

They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.


Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "ticket, please."

The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.



The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all!) When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip.


To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all.

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed accountant.



"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.

When they board the train the three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs.




Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding.



 He knocks on the door and says, "ticket, please."




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« ตอบกลับ #171 เมื่อ: 07 มิถุนายน, 2006, 10:52:11 PM »


Johnny wanted to screw a girl in his office.....but she belonged to someone else...
 
One day Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said

"I'll  give  you a 1000 dollars if you let  me screw you" .

.....but the girl said "NO."



 
Johnny said " I'll be fast, I'll throw the money on the floor, you  bend down, I'll be finished by the time you pick it up."




She thought for a moment and  said that she would have to consult her boyfriend......so she called her boyfriend and told him the story. 
 
Her boyfriend says "ask him for 2000 dollars, pick up the money very fast, he won't even be able to get his  pants down."



 
So she agrees and accepts the proposal.   Half  an hour goes by and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call.

Finally after 45 mins the boyfriend calls and asks what happened......








She said " THE BASTARD USED COINS !!! "    ;)






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« ตอบกลับ #172 เมื่อ: 10 มิถุนายน, 2006, 12:45:10 AM »
Too'  Story


I was happy.

My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.
My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream!

There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister.


My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses.

She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.


One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.


I was in total shock and couldn't say a word.

She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me."


I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me.

 I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car.


My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said,

"We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family".




The moral of this story is:









Always keep your condoms in your car.     ;)


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« ตอบกลับ #173 เมื่อ: 14 มิถุนายน, 2006, 09:16:34 PM »


Fast Pope


The Pope arrives at JFK and he's met at a baggage claim by a driver in a bad suit and a clip-on tie, holding a hand-lettered sign that says, "Pope."


After getting all the Pope's luggage loaded in the limo-and His Holiness doesn't travel light, the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.

"Hey, Mr. Pope," says the driver in accented English, "Why have you not seated yourself in the excellent limo?"



"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "They never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive."

"That is very much against the rules!" protested the driver, wishing he'd never left Calcutta.




"There might be something extra in it for you," said the Pope.

Reluctantly, the driver got in the back as the Pope got in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regretted his decision when, after clearing the airport, the Pope accelerated the limo to 105 mph.



"Please be driving not so rapidly, Mr. Pope," pleaded the worried driver, but the Pope kept the pedal to the metal. Then they heard the siren.

"Oh, my Gods, now I am surely losing my license," moaned the driver.



The Pope pulled over and rolled down the window as the patrolman approached, but the cop took one look at him, went back to his motorcycle, and got on the radio.



"I need to talk to the Chief," he said to the dispatch.

When the Chief got on the radio, the cop told him that he'd stopped a limo going a hundred and five.



"So bust him," said the Chief.

"I think the guy's a big shot," said the cop.

"All the more reason."



"No, I mean really a big shot," said the cop.



"What'd ya got there, the Mayor?"

"Bigger."



"Governor."

"Bigger."




"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"

"I don't know," said the cop.






" But he's got the Pope driving for him."




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« ตอบกลับ #174 เมื่อ: 14 มิถุนายน, 2006, 09:26:31 PM »


The Way To Heaven



The nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class one morning and  she asked the question,

"When you die and go to Heaven... which part of  your body goes first?"



Suzy raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands."

Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?"



Suzy replied, "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first."


"What a wonderful answer!" the nun said.



Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sister, I think it's your legs."



The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face.

"Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your legs?"




Little Johnny said, " Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom the other night. Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying,


" Oh God,I'm coming ! " If Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her."



The nun fainted





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« ตอบกลับ #175 เมื่อ: 14 มิถุนายน, 2006, 09:29:38 PM »


Finding Jesus



A Sunday School teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth.


He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that he grew up, etc. So he asked his class,

"Where is Jesus today?"


Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven."

 Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart."



Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurts out - "I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!!!"


The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response.

The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.






And Little Johnny said, "Well...every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells -







'Jesus Christ, are you still in there!?'!"



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« ตอบกลับ #176 เมื่อ: 14 มิถุนายน, 2006, 09:33:41 PM »


A Christian Deed




An atheist was taking a walk through the woods.

"What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself. As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.



He turned to look and saw a 7 foot grizzly bear charge towards him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him.



He looked over his shoulder again and the bear was even closer.

He triped and fell on the ground.
He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.


At that instant the Atheist cried out to the Lord.



Time stopped, the bear froze, the forest was silent. A bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky,


"You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't exist, and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"



The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps could you make the BEAR a Christian?"




"Very well," said the voice.

The light went out.



The sounds of the forest resumed. And then the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together and bowed his head and spoke:





"Lord, bless this food, which I am about to receive through Christ our Lord, Amen."


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« ตอบกลับ #177 เมื่อ: 20 มิถุนายน, 2006, 10:08:51 PM »

http://www.jokesgallery.com



Ten Dollars



Fred and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year. Every year Fred would say, "Edna, I'd like to ride in that there airplane."

And every year Edna would say, "I know Fred, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."



One year Fred and Edna went to the fair and Fred said, "Edna, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance."

 Edna replied, "Fred that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."





The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars."



Fred and Edna agreed and up they go. The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He does all his tricks over again, but still not a word.



They land and the pilot turns to Fred, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."




Fred replied, " Well, I was going to say something when Edna fell out of the plane, but ten dollars is ten dollars."



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« ตอบกลับ #178 เมื่อ: 22 กรกฎาคม, 2006, 10:45:23 AM »


 เพื่อนส่งมาให้ครับ ....


Honey Moon



*Fred and Mary get married but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back
to Fred's Mom and Dad's for their first night together.


In the morning, Johnny , Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks hismom if Fred and Mary are up yet.

She replies, "No".

Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?

His mom replies, "I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school."



Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"

She replies, "No."  Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?"

His mom replies, "Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school."


After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"

His mom says, "No."  He asks, "Do you know what I think?"

His  mom replies, "Ok, now tell me what you think?"




He says: " Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane  glue."   



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« ตอบกลับ #179 เมื่อ: 22 กรกฎาคม, 2006, 10:48:41 AM »

Surprise



On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm.


The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is  struck by lightning.

One woman, in particular, loses it.


Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die," she wails.

Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth  to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"



For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril.


They all stare, eyes riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the  plane.


Then a cowboy from Wyoming stands up in the rear of the plane. He  is handsome: well built, with dark brown hair and blue eyes.  He starts to walk
slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt, one button at a time.

No one moves.



He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest.



She gasps . . .


He whispers . . .









" Iron this. Then get me a beer."




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