ผู้เขียน หัวข้อ: Jokes Archive.....  (อ่าน 68369 ครั้ง)

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« ตอบกลับ #180 เมื่อ: 25 กรกฎาคม, 2006, 11:07:35 PM »


from http://www.jokesgallery.com




Hiding Smokers



Two nuns were in back of the convent smoking cigarettes, when one said,

"It's bad enough that we have to sneak out here to smoke, but it really is a problem getting rid of the cigarette butts so Mother Superior doesn't find them."




The second nun said, "I've found a marvelous invention called the condom, which really solves this problem. You just open the packet up, take out the condom, and put the cigarette butt in, roll it up, and dispose of it all later!"




The first nun was quite impressed and asked where she could find them.

"You get them at the drug store, sister, just go and ask the pharmacist for them."



The next day the good sister went to the drug store and walked up to the counter.

"Good morning, sister," said the pharmacist.  "What can I do for you today?"




"I'd like some condoms, please," said the nun. The pharmacist was a little taken aback, but recovered soon enough and asked,

"How many boxes would you like? There are twelve to a box."


"I'll take six boxes - that should last about a week," she replied.




The pharmacist was truly flabbergasted by this time, and was almost afraid to ask any more questions, but his professionalism prevailed and he asked in a clear voice,


" Sister, what size condoms would you like - we have large, extra large, and big liar size."



The sister thought for a minute, and finally said,






" I'm not certain, perhaps you could recommend a good size for a Camel."









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« ตอบกลับ #181 เมื่อ: 25 กรกฎาคม, 2006, 11:11:46 PM »



Where Babies Come From




A teenage girl comes home from school and asks her mother.

" Is it true what Rita just told me? Babies come out of the same place where boys put their p*nises ? "



"Yes, dear," replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and she wouldn't have to explain it to her daughter.



"But then when I have a baby," the teenager pondered,




" won't it knock all my teeth out ? "      ;)





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« ตอบกลับ #182 เมื่อ: 05 สิงหาคม, 2006, 09:30:26 AM »


from http://www.jokesgallery.com




Enlarging The Breast




A husband, tired of his wife asking him how she looks, buys her a full length mirror. This does little to help, as now she just stands in front of the mirror, looking at herself, asking him how she looks.


One day, fresh out of the shower, she is yet again in front of the mirror, now complaining that her breasts are too small.



The husband comes up with a suggestion.

“ If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper, and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds. ”



Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts.

 “ How long will this take ? ” she asks.


“ They’ll grow larger over a period of years, ” he replies.


The wife stops. “ Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the years ? ”







The husband shrugs. “ Why not, it worked for your ass, didn't it ? ”






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« ตอบกลับ #183 เมื่อ: 09 สิงหาคม, 2006, 11:12:28 AM »

Losing Weight


A fellow was reading the paper one day lamenting the fact that his doctor has ordered him to lose 75 pounds. Next thing he sees is an advertisement for a guaranteed weight loss program. He's skeptical, but says to himself, "Let's see what they can do."

He calls them on the phone and subscribes to the 3 day, 10 LB weight loss program.



The next day there comes a knock at his door, and when he answers, there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nikes and a sign hanging around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.

The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."

Without a second thought he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her. After they are through he kisses the girl one last time and thinks to himself with a nod, "I like the way this company does business."

For the next two days, the same girl shows up and the same thing happens each time. On the fourth day, he weighs himself and, sure enough, he lost 10 pounds.





Deciding that he likes his somewhat more slender physique, not to mention the method of treatment, he calls the company back and subscribes to their 5 day, 20 LB weight loss program. He thinks that losing 20 pounds in only 5 days seems like a lot, but he is intrigued by what their workout schedule might be like this time.

As expected, the next day there comes a knock at his door. When he answers it there stands a 22 year old knockout dressed in nothing but a pair of Reeboks and a sign hanging around her neck. She is simply stunning, the most beautiful woman he has ever seen. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."

He's out the door like a shot. This gal is in excellent shape and it takes a while to catch her. But when he does, it is worth every cramp and wheeze. She is wonderful, the best he has ever had. For the next four days, the same girl shows up and the same thing happens each time, much to his delight. On the sixth day, he weighs himself and, unbelievably, he has lost another 20 pounds.



I love this company, he thinks to himself, "I never knew losing weight could be so easy and so much fun." Feeling much better about himself, he decides to go for broke and subscribe to the company's 7 day, 50 pound weight loss program.

"Are you sure, sir?" Asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most vigorous program."

"Absolutely," he replies, "I love your program. Haven't felt this good in years!"


 

The next day there comes a knock at his door and he enthusiastically answers it.



There stands before him a 200 pound perfect specimen of a man dressed in nothing but racing spikes and a sign around his neck. He introduces himself as a representative of the
weight loss company. The sign reads,





"If I can catch you, I can have you."






« แก้ไขครั้งสุดท้าย: 09 สิงหาคม, 2006, 11:17:25 AM โดย Hidden Rhino »
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« ตอบกลับ #184 เมื่อ: 09 สิงหาคม, 2006, 11:34:37 AM »



Bad Golfer



Dangerous shot


Tired of being a golf widow, a woman took up the game and wound up playing with her husband on a country course one day.

He hit his drive way off into the rough, behind a barn. She came over to take a look, surveyed the situation, and suggested that if he opened both barn doors he could hit his ball straight through the barn to the green.


He saw this as an excellent idea, complimented her for her suggestion, then opened the doors and stepped up to the ball. He made a swing and great contact. Unfortunately, the ball was off line, careened off the door frame, hit the wife in the head and killed her.



Years went by, the man finally remarried, and this time found himself a golfer for a wife. Incredibly, the same situation occurs. The man is in the rough behind the same barn. His new wife took a look at his ball and suggested that he could make the green if he opened both barn doors and hit through the barn.


"No way," he replied. "I can't do that."

"Why not?" she asked.

He responded, "The last time I did that something terrible happened."

"What happened?" she asked.








The man answered, " I got a double bogey."




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« ตอบกลับ #185 เมื่อ: 09 สิงหาคม, 2006, 11:38:06 AM »



Sex Capabilities



A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an Australian on an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives.


"Last night I made love to my wife four times," the Frenchman bragged, "and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me."


"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian responded, "and this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never love another man."



When the Australian remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, "And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?"


"Once," he replied.


"Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted. "And what did she say to you this morning?"








" Don't stop."





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« ตอบกลับ #186 เมื่อ: 11 สิงหาคม, 2006, 09:59:45 PM »




from :  http://www.jokesgallery.com




Church Bells Sex



On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her.


When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, " He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."



Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.


" Oh no, my dear, " replied granny.

" Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."




She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued,






" And if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today! "



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« ตอบกลับ #187 เมื่อ: 16 สิงหาคม, 2006, 10:03:24 PM »


อันนี้ เพื่อนส่งมาให้ครับ...




MARRIAGE HUMOR


 
   

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
Sacha Guitry


After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
Hemant Joshi


By all means marry.  If you get a good wife, you'll be happy.  If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Socrates


Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
Dumas


The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?
Sigmund Freud


I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
Anonymous


"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage.  We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week.  A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing.  She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
Henry Youngman


"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."
Sam Kinison


"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage."
James Holt McGavran


"I've had bad luck with both my wives.  The first one left me and the second one didn't."
Patrick Murray


Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming  1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,  2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
Nash


The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once...
Anonymous


You know what I did before I married?  Anything I wanted to.
Henny Youngman


My wife and I were happy for twenty years.  Then we met.
Rodney Dangerfield


A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
Milton Berle


Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.
Anonymous


A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted".   Next day he received a hundred letters.  They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
Anonymous



 ;)




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« ตอบกลับ #188 เมื่อ: 16 สิงหาคม, 2006, 10:10:31 PM »



YOU'RE THE FATHER OF ONE OF MY KIDS



A guy goes to a supermarket and notices a beautiful blonde wave at him saying hello.


He's rather taken back, because he can't place where he knows her from,  so he says "Do you know me?"


to which she replies,  " I think you're the father of one of my kids."



Now he thinks back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his  wife and says,


" My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I laid on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my ass with wet celery and then stuck a carrot up my butt?"









She said, " No, I'm your son's Math Teacher."


Oooops!!    ;)


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« ตอบกลับ #189 เมื่อ: 25 สิงหาคม, 2006, 11:29:42 PM »


Like The Way You Think



Teacher:- "Right, there are five birds sitting on a telephone line. A farmer comes along with his gun and shoots one of them. How many are left?"

Little Johnny:- "None Miss".



Teacher:- "Could you tell me why?"

Little Johnny:- "Well Miss, when the farmer shot the bird, the sound of the gun would have frightened the other birds away".



Teacher:- "Well, the answer I was looking for was four. But I like your thinking."





Little Johnny:- "Miss, while we're asking questions, could I ask you one?"

Teacher:- "Its a bit irregular, but go on then"




Little Johnny:- "There are three women sitting on a bench in the park, eating ice lollies. One of them is licking the lolly; one is biting it; and one is putting it in and out of her mouth. Which one is married?"



Teacher (rather embarrassed):- "Err... I suppose it was the last one."





Little Johnny:- " Well I'd have said the one with the wedding ring. But I like your thinking."   ;)







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« ตอบกลับ #190 เมื่อ: 25 สิงหาคม, 2006, 11:34:50 PM »


On The Balcony


Joe and Wanda had a small apartment in the city and they decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their ten-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighbourhood activities.


To a young boy, they thought, spying would be a lot of fun and would distract him for an hour or so.

The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation.


"There`s a car being towed from the parking lot," he said.

"An ambulance just drove by."



A few moments passed.

"Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out.


"Matt`s riding a new bike and the Coopers are making whoopie."


Mom and Dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father asked.





" Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied.



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« ตอบกลับ #191 เมื่อ: 25 สิงหาคม, 2006, 11:37:28 PM »


Staying Fat


A little boy wakes up three nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound coming from his parents' bedroom. Finally, one morning he goes to his mom and says,

"Mommy, every night I hear you and daddy making noise and when I look in you're bouncing up and down on him."



His mom is taken by surprise and says. "Oh... well I'm bouncing on his stomach because he's fat and that makes him thin again."



The boy says, "That won't work."


His mom says, "Why?"






The boy replies. "Because the lady next door comes by after you leave each day and blows him back up!"



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« ตอบกลับ #192 เมื่อ: 25 สิงหาคม, 2006, 11:39:41 PM »


Dog In Heat


A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?"
Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat."

"What's that mean?" asked the child.
"Go ask your father", answered the mother, "I think he's in the garage."


The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you."


Dad said, "Bring Belle over here." He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it and said,

"Okay, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time around the block."



The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.

Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"







The little girl said, " She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home."

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« ตอบกลับ #193 เมื่อ: 25 สิงหาคม, 2006, 11:52:58 PM »


Tough Operation



Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other outside an operating room. The first kid leans over and asks, “What are you in here for?”

The second kid says, “I’m in here to get my tonsils out, and I’m a little nervous.”



The first kid says, “You’ve got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up, they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It’s a breeze.”





The second kid then asks, “What are you here for?”

“A circumcision,” the first kid answers.



“Whoa!” the second kid says.







“ Good luck, buddy. I had that done when I was born. I couldn’t walk for a year.”




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« ตอบกลับ #194 เมื่อ: 25 สิงหาคม, 2006, 11:58:33 PM »


Asking Mommy



Little Johnny and her mother were out and about. Little Johnny, out of the blue, asked her mother,

"Mommy, How old are you?" The mother responded,

"Honey, women don't talk about their age. You'll learn this as you get older.




Little Johnny then asked, "Mommy, how much do you weight?"

Her mother responded again, "That's another thing women don't talk about. You'll learn this too, as you grow up."



Little Johnny still wanting to know about her mother, then fires off another question, "Mommy, Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"

The mother, a little annoyed by the questions, responded,

"Honey, that is a subject that hurts me very much, and I don't want to talk about it now."




The Little Johnny , frustrated, sulks until he is dropped off at a friend's house to play. He consults with his friend about him and her mother's conversation.

 His friend says, "All you have to do is sneak and look at your mother's driver's license. It's just like a report card from school. It tells you everything."



Later, the Little Johnny and her mother are out and about again. The Little Johnny starts off with,

"Mommy, Mommy, I know how old you are, You're 32 years old."


The mother is very shocked. She asks, "Sweetheart, how do you know that?"



The Little Johnny shrugs and says, "I just know. And I know how much you weight. You weight 130 pounds."

"Where did you learn that?", said the mother again.





The Little Johnny says, "I just know. And I know why you and daddy got a divorce.









You got an "F" in sex."




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« ตอบกลับ #195 เมื่อ: 09 กันยายน, 2006, 08:51:40 PM »

From  http://www.jokesgallery.com


3 Viagras


A man goes to his doctor and says. "Doc, I have a problem. My girlfriend is sleeping over this Friday, my ex-wife is sleeping over this Saturday and my wife is coming home Sunday. I need 3 Viagra pills to satisfy all 3 of them.

The doctor says "You know 3 Viagra pills 3 nights in a row is pretty dangerous for a man of your age. I will give them to you on the condition that you return to my office on Monday so that I can check you out."

The man says "You have a deal Doc."

Monday morning the man returns with his arm in a sling.

The doctor says "What happened"?









The man answered " Nobody Showed UP! "






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« ตอบกลับ #196 เมื่อ: 09 กันยายน, 2006, 08:55:18 PM »



Barrel Statisfaction


In days of old, this young sailor was about to sign up for a 6-month trip on a sailing ship. He asked the captain about sex life, since there would be no women on the ship.

"Don' ye worry about it, lad. We'll make sure your needs are taken care of."



After about 2 weeks at sea, the lad had a bone that wouldn't go away, so he went to ask the captain how to take care of it.


"Aye, lad, 'ere's ya key. Go open up the door under the ladder. In there you'll find a barrel, take the bung out of the hole and insert your manhood. I think you'll find this arrangement satisfactory."



The lad went down, opened the door, removed the bung, inserted his prick and got his rocks off in record time. In fact, it was SO good he asked for the key the next five nights in a row.




On the sixth night, the captain said,





" Not tonight, laddie; it's your turn in the barrel."






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« ตอบกลับ #197 เมื่อ: 19 กันยายน, 2006, 10:30:48 PM »


http://www.jokesgallery.com




Neglected Bills


Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two-week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary. Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces,

" Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives ! "



Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island.


An hour later Abe turns to his wife and asks, " Esther, did we pay our $5,000 PBS pledge check yet? "

"No, sweetheart," she responds.



Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, "Esther, did we pay our American Express card yet?"

"Oh, no! I'm sorry. I forgot to send the check," she says.



"One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send checks for the Visa and MasterCard this month?" he asks.

"Oy, forgive me, Abie," begged Esther. "I didn't send that one, either."



Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years. Esther pulls away and asks him,

"What was that for?"








Abe answers, " They'll find us ! "


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« ตอบกลับ #198 เมื่อ: 19 กันยายน, 2006, 10:33:58 PM »
World Domains
Everyone knows that if you are going to operate a business in today’s world you need a domain name. It is advisable to look at the domain name selected as other see it and not just as you think it looks. Failure to do this may result in situations such as the following (legitimate) companies who deal in everyday humdrum products and services but clearly didn’t give their domain names enough consideration:



1. A site called ‘Who Represents‘ where you can find the name of the agent that represents a celebrity. Their domain name… wait for it… is www.whorepresents.com

2. Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at  www.expertsexchange.com

3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at www.penisland.net

4. Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at www.therapistfinder.com

5. Then of course, there’s the Italian Power Generator company… www.powergenitalia.com

6. And now, we have the Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New South Wales: www.molestationnursery.com

7. If you’re looking for computer software, there’s always www.ipanywhere.com

8. Welcome to the First Cumming Methodist Church. Their website is www.cummingfirst.com

9. Then, of course, there’s these brainless art designers, and their whacky website: www.speedofart.com

10. Want to holiday in Lake Tahoe? Try their brochure website at www.gotahoe.com



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« ตอบกลับ #199 เมื่อ: 20 กันยายน, 2006, 09:27:44 PM »


Old Fire Truck



A mighty fire had been raging at a Texas oil refinery. Fire engines from all around had tried in vain to get close enough to the fierce blaze to put it out, but the heat was so intense that no one could even get near the burning oil and gas. Hundreds of fire trucks from far and wide had been called and now they all just sat wondering what to do.


Suddenly, an old fire engine from a tiny fire company appeared in the distance. It was the only truck from a tiny town and had been driving all night in response to this alarm. To the amazement of all of the firemen, the tiny truck sped right past the other fire engines and came to a leisurely halt right at the base of the fire. The men in the tiny truck leaped out, doused themselves with water from their own hoses, and proceeded to extinguish the fire.


The next dat at an awards ceremony for the 6 heoic men of the tiny fire company, the Governor presented the fire chief with a check for $20,000.


"What do you think your fire company will do with such a large amount of money?", asked the Governor.




"Well," replied the old fire chief,







" the first thing we're gonna do with it is fix the brakes on that old truck! "




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« ตอบกลับ #200 เมื่อ: 20 กันยายน, 2006, 09:40:47 PM »


4 Weeks




A Bible study group was discussing the unforeseen possibility of their sudden death. The leader of the discussion said,

" We will all die some day, and none of us really know when, but if we did we would all do a better job of preparing ourselves for that inevitable event."

"Everybody nodded their heads in agreement with this comment."




Then the leader said to the group, "What would you do if you knew you only had 4 weeks of life remaining before your death, and then the Great Judgment Day?"


A gentleman said, " I would go out into my community and minister the Gospel to those that have not yet accepted the Lord into their lives."

"Very good!" ,said the group leader, and all the group members agreed, that would be a very good thing to do.



One lady spoke up and said enthusiastically, "I would dedicate all of my remaining time to serving God, my family, my church, and my fellow man with a greater conviction."

"That's wonderful!" the group leader commented, and all the group members agreed, that would be a very good thing to do.



But one gentleman in the back finally spoke up loudly and said,

"I would go to my mother-in-laws house for the 4 weeks."


Everyone was puzzled by this answer, and the group leader ask,

"Why your mother-in-laws home?"




Then the gentleman smiled sarcastically and said,









" Because, that would be the longest 4 weeks of my life! "



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« ตอบกลับ #201 เมื่อ: 06 ตุลาคม, 2006, 02:08:53 PM »


 World after 10 years because of INTERNET

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« ตอบกลับ #202 เมื่อ: 06 ตุลาคม, 2006, 02:10:02 PM »


   ;)

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« ตอบกลับ #203 เมื่อ: 06 ตุลาคม, 2006, 02:11:20 PM »

  :)

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« ตอบกลับ #204 เมื่อ: 06 ตุลาคม, 2006, 02:12:06 PM »
 
 ^-^

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« ตอบกลับ #205 เมื่อ: 06 ตุลาคม, 2006, 02:12:50 PM »


  :D

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« ตอบกลับ #206 เมื่อ: 07 ตุลาคม, 2006, 10:41:42 PM »

http://www.jokesgallery.com



New Job




Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide that she'll become a hooker.


She's not quite sure what to do, so Harry says,

" Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him that you charge a hundred bucks. If you got a question, I'll be parked around the corner."



She's standing there for 5 minutes when a guy pulls up and asks, "How much?" She says, "A hundred dollars."


He says, "All I got is thirty". She says, "Hold on," and runs back to Harry and asks, "What can he get for thirty?"

"A hand job", Harry reply.






She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty dollar is a hand job. He agrees. She gets in the car. He unzips his pants, and out pops this HUGE ......


She stares at it for a minute, and then says, "I'll be right back."




She runs back to Harry, and asks,







" Can you loan this guy seventy bucks ?"


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« ตอบกลับ #207 เมื่อ: 12 ตุลาคม, 2006, 09:55:30 PM »


อย่าคิดมาก!!!!!!!!


 ลูกชาย : พ่อครับ ทำไมของผมไม่เหมือนของพ่อเลยครับ
 
 พ่อ : เหมือน แต่เล็กกว่าของพ่อเท่านั้นเอง

 ลูกชาย : สั้นกว่า แล้วขนก็น้อยกว่าของพ่อด้วย

 พ่อ : เฮ้ย...มีใช้ก็แล้วกันน่า

 ลูกชาย :   ไม่เอา...ผมอายเพื่อน







 พ่อ : เออ.... แล้วพ่อจะซื้อให้ใหม่ รีบ ๆ แปรงเข้าน่ะ



 ..........บอกแล้วว่าอย่าคิดมาก..................


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« ตอบกลับ #208 เมื่อ: 23 ตุลาคม, 2006, 09:24:55 AM »



 Viagra Side Effects



A woman asks her husband if he'd like some breakfast. "Bacon and eggs, perhaps a slice of toast? Maybe a nice sectioned grapefruit, and a cup of fresh coffee?"

He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says, "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."



At lunch time, she asks if he would like something. "A bowl of home made soup, maybe, with a cheese sandwich? Or how about a plate of snacks and a glass of milk?"

Again he declines. "No, thanks. It's this Viagra," he says, "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."



At dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat, offering to go to the cafe and buy him a burger supper.
"Or would you rather I make you a pizza from scratch? Or, how about a tasty stir fry? That'll only take a couple of minutes."


Once more, he declines. "Again, thanks, but it's this Viagra. It's really taken the edge off my appetite."



"Well, then", she says,








" Would you mind getting off me? I'm STARVING ! "
    ;)







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« ตอบกลับ #209 เมื่อ: 23 ตุลาคม, 2006, 09:32:27 AM »
 
 ;)

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« ตอบกลับ #210 เมื่อ: 30 ตุลาคม, 2006, 11:16:10 PM »


 From Khun Anond  Intania 61



Q: What is the similarity between men and rats?
A: Both keep searching for new holes.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ----

Q: What is the closest thing similar to a woman's period?
A: Your salary, it comes once a month lasts about 5- days and if it doesn't come, it means you are in big trouble.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ----

Q: What's the difference between biology and sociology?
A: When the baby looks like his dad or mom, then it is biology. When the baby looks like the neighbor, then it is sociology.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ----

Q: What's the height of recycling?
A: Sending a sanitary napkin for dry cleaning.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ----

Q: Doctor: You look so weak & exhausted.  Are you having 3 meals a day as I have advised?
A: Lady:     Doctor, I thought you said 3 males a day.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ----

Q: Girl friend & boy friend go for a movie. In the dark, mosquito enters the girl's skirt.
     Guess where it would have  bitten?!!!!! !!!!!!!

A: The boy friend's hand.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ----

Q: Tarzan and the animals went to the river to take a bath. Tarzan removed his clothes. All the animals laughed.
     Tarzan asked " Why " ?

A:  The animals told him.  " Your tail is in front ".
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ----

Q:  Secret of long life
A:  Morning two eggs, evening two pegs.. and night two legs
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ----

 ;)




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« ตอบกลับ #211 เมื่อ: 01 พฤศจิกายน, 2006, 04:55:26 PM »


KIDS IN GRADE SCHOOL THINK FAST


TEACHER    : Why are you late?
WEBSTER      : Because of the sign.
TEACHER       : What sign
WEBSTER      : The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."

_____________


TEACHER   : Cindy, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
CINDY         : You told me to do it without using tables!

_____________

TEACHER   : Jo, how do you spell "crocodile?"
JOHN           : K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L"
TEACHER   : No, that's wrong
JOHN           : Maybe it's wrong, but you asked me how I spell it!
_____________


TEACHER   : What is the chemical formula for water?
SARAH      : H I J K L M N O!!
TEACHER    : What are you talking about?
SARAH        : Yesterday you said it's H to O!
______________


TEACHER  : George, go to the map and find North America.
GEORGE     : Here it is!
T EACHER   : Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS       : George!
______________


TEACHER: Willie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WILLIE    : Me!
______________


TEACHER   : Tommy, why do you always get so dirty?
TOMMY      : Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are....
______________


TEACHER   : Ellen, give me a sentence starting with "I."
ELLEN        :  I is...
TEACHER   : No, Ellen..... Always say, "I am."
ELLEN          : All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
_____________


TEACHER    : "Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?"
JOHNNY      : "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day, same time."
 _____________


TEACHER    : "George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn't punish him?"
JOHNNY      : "Because George still had the ax in his hand."

 ______________


TEACHER    : Now, ! Sam, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SAM           : No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
 _______________



TEACHER    : Desmond, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as brother's. Did you copy his?
DESMOND   : No, teacher, it's the same dog!
 ______________


TEACHER    : What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
PUPIL          : A teacher.

    ;)



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« ตอบกลับ #212 เมื่อ: 02 พฤศจิกายน, 2006, 06:54:54 AM »

อืม..... อันนี้ อาจจะเคยนำมาลงไว้แล้ว ....  ;)


Funeral Procession


 
A woman was leaving a convenience store with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one.

 

 

Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash.

 

Behind her, a short distance back, were about 200 women walking single file.

 

The woman couldn't stand her curiosity. She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said,

" I am so sorry for your loss",  I know now it is a bad time  to disturb you, but I have never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"

 

 "My husband's."

 

"What happened to him?"

 

The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him."

 
 

She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"

 The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her."

 

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two women.

 



"Can I borrow the dog?"







 
" Sure, Get in line."





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« ตอบกลับ #213 เมื่อ: 02 พฤศจิกายน, 2006, 07:01:03 AM »

Show Off ....

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« ตอบกลับ #214 เมื่อ: 05 พฤศจิกายน, 2006, 07:55:11 PM »


http://www.jokesgallery.com/





Sneaky Diagnosis



A young doctor moved out to a small community to replace the aging doctor there. The older doctor suggested that the younger doctor accompany him as he made his house calls so that the people of the community could become accustomed to him.

At the first house they visited, the younger doctor listened intently as the older doctor and an older lady discussed the weather, their grandchildren and the latest church bulletin.

After some time, the older doctor asked his patient how she had been feeling.

"I`ve been a little sick to my stomach," she replied.

"Well," said the older physician, "you`ve probably been over doing it a bit with the fresh fruit. Why don`t you cut back on the amount of fresh fruit you eat and see if that helps."



As they left the house, the younger doctor asked how the older doctor had reached his diagnosis so quickly.

"You didn`t even examine that woman," the younger doctor stated.



"I didn`t have to," the elder physician explain. "You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there. Well when I bent over to pick it up, I looked around and noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash can. That is probably what has been making her ill."


"That`s pretty sneaky," commented the younger doctor. "Do you mind if I try it at the next house?"

"I don`t suppose it could hurt anything," the elder physician replied.



At the next house, the two doctors visited with an elderly widow. They spent several minutes discussing the weather and grandchildren and the latest church bulletin. After several minutes, the younger doctor asked the widow how she had been feeling lately.

"I`ve felt terribly run down lately," the widow replied. "I just don`t have as much energy as I used to."

"You`ve probably been doing too much work for the church," the younger doctor suggested without even examining his patient.

"Perhaps you should ease up a bit and see if that helps."


As they left, the elder physician said, "Your diagnosis is probably right, but do you mind telling me how you came to that conclusion?"



"Sure," replied the younger doctor.



"Just like you, I dropped my stethoscope on the floor. When I bent down to pick it up, I looked around and there was the preacher hiding under the bed!"





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« ตอบกลับ #215 เมื่อ: 10 พฤศจิกายน, 2006, 07:05:22 AM »

 From : Dr. Pongsarn Intania 61


Reunion


Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party.
After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room.


Those who remained talked about their kids.


The first guy said,  " My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday. "


The second guy said,  " Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, and then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday. "


The third man said:  " Well, that's terrific. " My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multi millionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion. "


The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth friend returned from the restroom and asked: "What are all the congratulations for? "
 
One of the three said: " We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. What about your son? "



The fourth man replied:  " My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub."
 
 The three friends said: " What a shame...what a disappointment. "


 The fourth man replied: " No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him. And he hasn't done too badly either......





 His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his 3 boyfriends. "



  ;)



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Re: Jokes Archive.....
« ตอบกลับ #216 เมื่อ: 10 พฤศจิกายน, 2006, 09:38:38 AM »
It was happen to me years ago..

While we were working on a street for lunch.. with my collegues from Korea and Japan.  Those Korean and Japanese always buff each other as they have a long conflict by history.

The Jap. guy said : Japanese is the greatest, we build any thing faster than any other nation in the world.  We make one car evey 5 minutes.!

Korean,   We make things as fast as you but just half price.!

When we were about to reach the restoraunt, they asked me.. what is that nice looking building.!

Oh... I told them..  It wasn't there yesterday.!

 :whistling

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« ตอบกลับ #217 เมื่อ: 12 พฤศจิกายน, 2006, 08:28:05 AM »
 
from Khun Kuntira .... Friend of Intania 61



The day finally arrived. Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven.He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are closed, and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.

St. Peter said, "Well, Forrest, it is certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we have been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven."


Forrest responds, "It sure is good to be here, St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. I sure hope that the test ain't too hard. Life was a big enough test as it was."

St. Peter continued, "Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.

  First: What two days of the week begin with the letter T?

  Second: How many seconds are there in a year?
 
  Third: What is God's first name?"




Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up, and says,

"Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers."


Forrest replied, "Well, the first one -- which two days in the week begins with the letter  "T"?

Shucks, that one is easy. That would be Today and Tomorrow.".



The Saint's eyes opened wide and he exclaimed, "Forrest, that is not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I did not specify, so I will give you credit for that answer. How about the next one?" asked St. Peter.


"How many seconds in a year? Now that one is harder," replied Forrest, but I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve."

Astounded, St. Peter said, "Twelve? Twelve? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"

 Forrest replied,  "Shucks, there's got to be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd ."



"Hold it," interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you are going with this, and I see your point, though that was not quite what I had in mind.....but I will have to give you credit for that one, too. Let us go on with the third and final question. Can you tell me God's first name"?


"Sure," Forrest replied,

"it's Andy."


"Andy?" exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St Peter. "Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two?@questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?"

"Shucks, that was the easiest one of all," Forrest replied.


"I learnt it from the song, "ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM
HIS OWN.
"




St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates, and said: "Run Forrest, run."



Give me a sense of humor, Lord. Give me the ability to understand a clean joke, To get some humor out of life, And to pass it on to other folk




  I come to the garden alone, while the dew is still on the roses,
    And the voice I hear, falling on my ear, the Son of God discloses,
    And he walks with me, Andy talks with me, Andy tells me I am his own,
    And the joy we share as we tarry there none other has ever known. 




« แก้ไขครั้งสุดท้าย: 12 พฤศจิกายน, 2006, 08:32:18 AM โดย Hidden Rhino »
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Re: Jokes Archive.....
« ตอบกลับ #218 เมื่อ: 14 พฤศจิกายน, 2006, 03:41:32 PM »


RESUME (Just in case you are looking for a secretary)


Deer Sir,

I waunt to apply for the secritary job what I saw in the paper. I can Type real quik wit one finggar and do sum a counting. I think I am good on  the phone and no I am a pepole person, Pepole really seam to respond to me well.


Iดm lookin for a Jobb as a secritary but it musent be to  complicaited.. I no my spelling is not to good but find that I Offen can get a job thru  my persinalety. My salerery is open so we can discus wat you want to pay  me and wat you think that I am werth, I can start imeditely. Thank you in advanse fore yore anser.


hopifuly Yore best aplicant so farr.


Sinseerly,

Peggy May Starlings


PS : Because my resimay is a bit short - below is a pickture of me  taken at my last jobb.





Employer's response:......


Dear Peggy May,

It's OK honey, we've got spell check you can start ASAP.........   ;)





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« ตอบกลับ #219 เมื่อ: 21 พฤศจิกายน, 2006, 10:16:00 PM »


http://www.jokesgallery.com



Convincing Lesson


Two So-Cal guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court before the judge. The judge said,

" You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday. "


Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the first one,
"How did you do over the weekend?"

"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."

"17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?"

"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this:
_
/ \
| | O
\ _ /

and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs."


" That's admirable,"  said the judge.  "And you, how did you do?" (to the 2nd boy)


"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."


"156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that!"





" Well, I used the same two circles. I pointed to the small circle and told them,







" this is your asshole before prison...... "



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« ตอบกลับ #220 เมื่อ: 21 พฤศจิกายน, 2006, 10:20:03 PM »


Brave Soldiers



An army Major visiting sick soldiers, goes up to one private and asks

"What's your problem, Soldier?"

"Chronic syphilis, Sir"


"What treatment are you getting?"

"Five minutes with the wire brush each day."


"What's your ambition?"

"To get back to the front, Sir"


"Good man." says the Major.





He goes to the next bad.

"What's your problem, Soldier?"

"Chronic piles, Sir"


"What treatment are you getting?"

"Five minutes with the wire brush each day."


"What's your ambition?"

"To get back to the front, Sir."

"Good man." says the Major.



He goes to the next bed.

"What's your problem, Soldier?"

"Chronic gum disease, Sir."


"What treatment are you getting?"

"Five minutes with the wire brush each day."



"What's your ambition?"








"To get the wire brush before the other two, Sir."


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« ตอบกลับ #221 เมื่อ: 25 พฤศจิกายน, 2006, 10:49:28 PM »


$ 65,000 Question




Jane was a first time contestant on the $65,000 quiz show. Lady luck had smiled in her favor, as Jane had a gained substantial lead over her opponents. She even managed to win the game but, unfortunately, time had run out before the show's host could ask her the big question.


Jane agreed to return the following day. Jane was nervous as her husband drove them home.

"I've just gotta win tomorrow.  I wish I knew what the answers are!  You know I'm not going to sleep at all tonight. I will probably look like garbage tomorrow."

"Relax honey," her husband, Roger, reassured her, "It will all be OK."




Ten minutes after they arrived home, Roger grabbed the car keys and started heading out the door.

"Where are you going?" Jane asked.

"I have a little errand to run. I should be back soon."



After an agonizing 3 hour absence, Roger returned, sporting a very wide and wicked grin. "Honey, I managed to get tomorrow's question and answer!"

"What is it?" she cried excitedly.

"OK. The question is  'What are the three main parts of the male anatomy?'  And the answer is 'The head, the heart, and the p*nis.' "


The couple went to sleep with Jane, now feeling at ease, plummeting into a deep slumber.


At 3:30 a.m., however, Jane was shaken awake by Roger, who was asking her the quiz show question. "The head, the heart, and the penis," Jane replied groggily before returning to sleep.

And Roger asked her again in the morning, this time as Jane was brushing her teeth. Once again, Jane replied correctly.



So it was that Jane was once again on the set of the quiz show. Even though she knew the question and answer, she could feel butterflies. The cameras began running and the host, after reminding the audience of the previous days' events, faced Jane and asked the big question.



"Jane, for $65,000, what are the main parts of the male anatomy? You have 10 seconds."



"Hmm, uhm, the head?" she said nervously.

"Very good. " Six seconds."

"Eh, uh, the heart?" "Very good! Four seconds."






"I, uhh, ooooooohh, darn! My husband drilled it into me last night and I had it on the tip of my tongue this morning..."


"That's close enough!" said the game show host, "CONGRATULATIONS!!"





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« ตอบกลับ #222 เมื่อ: 15 ธันวาคม, 2006, 10:12:29 PM »



Could Have Been Worse




Frank always looked on the bright side. He would constantly irritate his friends with his eternal optimism. No matter how horrible the circumstance, he would always reply,

" It could have been worse."



To cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a situation so completely bad, so terrible, that even Frank could find no hope in it.


On the golf course one day, one of them said,

" Frank, did you hear about Tom? He came home last night, found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both and then turned the gun on himself!"


"That`s awful," said Frank, "But it could have been worse."



"How in the hell," asked his bewildered friend,  "Could it have been worse?"



"Well," replied Frank,





"If it happened the night before, I`d be dead now!"


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« ตอบกลับ #223 เมื่อ: 15 ธันวาคม, 2006, 10:15:31 PM »



http://www.jokesgallery.com/




Duct Tape



Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what`s wrong.

"Well," replies Paul, "you know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?"

"Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh.



"Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."

"That`s great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?"

"I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul,

"but I was worried I`d get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my p*nis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn`t show."


"Sensible" says Jeff.



"So I get to her door," says Paul,

"and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw."


"And what happened then?"


(Paul slumps back over the bar again.)






" I kicked her in the face."
    ;)


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« ตอบกลับ #224 เมื่อ: 15 ธันวาคม, 2006, 10:18:32 PM »



Confession


Once, there was a man who was upset by his past deeds that he decided to visit a church and confess all of his sins. When he arrived at the church, he walked to the confession area and spoke to the pastor.

"Father, I am sinful."

"Yes son, just tell me what have you done, the Lord will forgive you."



"Father, I have a steady relationship with my girlfriend, it's been 3 years and nothing serious ever happened between us. Yesterday, I visited her house, nobody was at home except for her sister. We were alone and I slept with her."

"That's bad my boy, fortunately you realize your mistake."



"Father, last week I went to her office to look for her, but nobody was around except for one of her colleagues, so I slept with her too."

"That's not very good of you."



"Father, last month, I went to her uncle's house to look for her, nobody was around except for her auntie, and I slept with her too."




"Father? ......... Father?" suddenly this guy realized that there was no response from the Father, he walked over and discovered that the Pastor was not there. So he began searching for him.

"Father? Where are you?"


He searched high and low, and finally he found him hiding under the table behind the piano.


"Father, why are you hiding here?"






" Sorry son, suddenly I remembered there is nobody around here except me."
   ^-^



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« ตอบกลับ #225 เมื่อ: 15 ธันวาคม, 2006, 10:21:00 PM »

Angry Shiek


Three guys were on a trip to Saudi Arabia. One day, they stumbled into a harem tent filled with over 100 beautiful women. They started getting friendly with all the women, when suddenly the Sheik came in.

"I am the master of all these women. No one else can touch them except me. You three men must pay for what you have done today. You will be punished in a way corresponding to your profession."



The Sheik turns to the first man and asks him what he does for a living.


"I'm a cop", says the first man.

"Then we will shoot your p*nis off!", said the Sheik.




He then turned to the second man and asked him what he did for a living.

"I'm a firemen", said the second man.

"Then we will burn your p*nis off!", said the sheik.




Finally, he asked the last man, "And you, what do you do for a living?"

And the third man answered,






" I'm a lollipop salesman ! "
    :D




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« ตอบกลับ #226 เมื่อ: 15 ธันวาคม, 2006, 10:24:34 PM »


Who's Counting



A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to a Thai on an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives.



"Last night I made love to my wife four times," the Frenchman bragged,

"and this morning she made me delicious crepes and told me how much she adored me."




"Ah, last night," the Italian said,

"I made love to my wife six times, and this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never love another man."




When the Thai remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, "And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?"



"Once," he replied.



"Only once!?" the Italian arrogantly snorted while the Frenchman laughed.

"And what did she say to you this morning?"







" She said, 'I guess we had better stop -- it's time to get up. '"     :wiggle




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« ตอบกลับ #227 เมื่อ: 06 มกราคม, 2007, 08:17:08 PM »

http://www.jokesgallery.com



Usual Tip



A college pizza delivery boy arrived at the house of Mr.Smith. He delivered the pizza to his trailer.

After giving it to him, Mr. Smith asked: " What is the usual tip? "



" Well, " replied the youth,

" this is my first trip here, but the other guys say if I get a quarter out of you, I'll be doing great. "



"Is that so?" snorted Mr. Smith. " Well, just to show them how wrong they are, here's five dollars."



" Thanks," replied the youth, " I'll put this in my school fund. "



" What are you studying in school? " asked Larry.





The lad smiled and said: " Applied psychology "





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« ตอบกลับ #228 เมื่อ: 06 มกราคม, 2007, 08:22:12 PM »



Hiding The Pets


A man and his wife are returning from holiday, while on holiday they decided to buy themselves some pets, he bought a snake while the woman got a skunk.

As they are passing through airport control they notice a sign which says

" NO ANIMALS WILL BE ALLOWED THROUGH QUARANTINE "




Slightly distressed the woman turns to her husband and asks what they should do. After thinking hard for 5 minutes the man come up with a plan

"what I'll do is tie the snake around my waist and try to pretend that it's a snake skin belt"

"Yes" the woman replies "but what about the skunk?"


"I don't know, you'll just have to hide it up your skirt"

"but what about the smell?" the woman asks.




To which the man replies " Look, if it dies it dies ! "




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« ตอบกลับ #229 เมื่อ: 08 กุมภาพันธ์, 2007, 10:57:29 PM »


Weather Forecast ....
  ^-^

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« ตอบกลับ #230 เมื่อ: 17 กุมภาพันธ์, 2007, 11:17:56 PM »

http://www.jokesgallery.com/




Wild Things


An old man sitting at the mall watched a teenager intently. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue.

The old man kept staring at him.



When the teenager was tired of being stared at, he sarcastically asked,

" What's the matter, old man?  Never did anything wild in your life ? "




The old man did not bat an eye when he responded,







Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son. "









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« ตอบกลับ #231 เมื่อ: 17 กุมภาพันธ์, 2007, 11:24:07 PM »


 Alcohol Honesty


A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she had selected the following items: A half-gallon of 2% milk, A half carton of eggs, A quart of orange juice, A small head of romaine lettuce, A 2-pound can of coffee, And a 1-pound package of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.


While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, " You must be single. "


The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said

" Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that ? "


The drunk replied,






" Cause you're ugly . "


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« ตอบกลับ #232 เมื่อ: 19 กุมภาพันธ์, 2007, 11:37:21 PM »

Accepting The Commandments




God offered his tablet of commandments to the world. He first approached the Italians.

"What commandments do you offer?" they said.

He answered, "Thou shalt not murder."

They answered " Sorry, we are not interested. "




Next he offered it to the Romanians.

"What commandments do you offer?" they said.

He answered, "Thou shalt not steal."

They answered, "Sorry, we are not interested."





Next he offered them to the French.

"What commandments do you offer?" they asked.

"Thou shalt not covet they neighbors wife."

"Sorry we are not interested," they answered.



Finally he approached the Jews.

" How much? " they asked.

" It's free," he answered.







"We'll take ten!"
    ;)




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« ตอบกลับ #233 เมื่อ: 20 มีนาคม, 2007, 10:59:50 PM »


 Too Enthusiastic


An enthusiastic door-to-door vacuum salesman goes to the first house in his new territory. He knocks, a real mean and tough looking lady opens the door, and before she has a chance to say anything, he runs inside and dumps cow patties all over the carpet.


He says, "Lady, if this vacuum cleaner doesn't do wonders cleaning this up, I'll eat every chunk of it."

She turns to him with a smirk and says, "You want ketchup on that?"

The salesman says, "Why do you ask?"


She says,





"We just moved in and we haven't got the electricity turned on yet."






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« ตอบกลับ #234 เมื่อ: 01 มิถุนายน, 2007, 09:46:33 PM »


 รู้แล้วว่า ทำไม Porche ถึงน่าใช้กว่า Nissan   8)

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« ตอบกลับ #235 เมื่อ: 04 มิถุนายน, 2007, 03:39:01 PM »


from Dr.Pongsan - Intania 61


สับคู่


สามีภรรยาสองคู่เป็นเพื่อนซี้สนิทสนมกันมานาน  ได้ไปพักตากอากาศที่ภูเก็ตด้วยกัน ทั้งสี่คนมีความสุขมาก

ได้กินอาหารทะเลสดๆ เหล้ายาไม่อั้น  ในวงสนทนาผสมสุราคืนหนึ่ง ชายหนึ่งในสองก็ถามขึ้นว่า

" พวกเราเคยได้ยินเรื่องสับคู่มั้ย เดี๋ยวนี้ได้ข่าวว่ามีมากเหมือนกันนะ พวกเราคิดยังไง "



เรื่องนี้ทำให้ทุกคนตื่นเต้นไปตามๆ กัน มีการอภิปรายถึงเรื่องนี้พอสมควร  ในที่สุดทุกคนก็ตัดสินใจที่จะลองสับคู่กันดู............ ......... ....!



หลังจากสองชั่วโมงผ่านไป มีเสียงผู้ชายพูดกับคู่นอนคนใหม่ของตัวว่า


" เราไม่เคยมีความสุขอย่างนี้มาก่อนเลย

















นี่ไม่รู้ว่าเมียๆ ของเราจะสนุกเหมือนกับเรามั้ยK)






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« ตอบกลับ #236 เมื่อ: 12 มิถุนายน, 2007, 11:02:47 PM »
from Khun Sirakorn - friend of Intania 61


REMEMBER WHEN YOU WERE A KID AND YOUR PARENTS LINED YOU UP AGAINST A DOOR FRAME TO MARK HOW TALL YOU WERE AND DATED THE MARK?



WELL THIS CARTOON BRINGS A WHOLE NEW PERSPECTIVE TO THAT EXERCISE :-)




LAUGHTER WILL KEEP YOU YOUNG AT HEART ...    :D




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« แก้ไขครั้งสุดท้าย: 13 มิถุนายน, 2007, 06:18:28 PM โดย MUCAS »
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« ตอบกลับ #237 เมื่อ: 10 กรกฎาคม, 2007, 10:04:31 PM »


 

    Before the marriage:


    He: Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait.

    She: Do you want me to leave?

    He: NO! Don't even think about it.

    She: Do you love me?

    He: Of course!

    She: Have you ever cheated on me?

    He: NO! Why you even asking?

    She: Will you kiss me?

    He: Yes!

    She: Will you hit me?

    He: No way! I'm not such kind of person!

    She: Can I trust you?




     

    Now after the marriage you can read it from bottom to the top !



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« ตอบกลับ #238 เมื่อ: 25 กรกฎาคม, 2007, 10:37:43 AM »

More Peanuts 


A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.


After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about five more times.


When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady,

"Why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?".



"We can't chew them because we've no teeth", she replied.


The puzzled driver asks,  "Why do you buy them then?"





The old lady replied,

"We just love the chocolate around them."


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« ตอบกลับ #239 เมื่อ: 01 สิงหาคม, 2007, 11:43:09 AM »

Questions You Would Never Guess the Answers


Q: What is the similarity between men and rats?
A: Both keep searching for new holes.


Q: What is the closest thing similar to a woman's period?
A: Your salary, it comes once a month lasts about 5- days and if it doesn't come, it means you are in big trouble.

Q: What's the difference between biology and sociology?
A: When the baby looks like his dad or mom, then it is biology. When the
baby looks like the neighbor, then it is sociology.


Q: Doctor: You look so weak & exhausted. Are you having 3 meals a day as I have advised?
A: Lady: Doctor, I thought yo u said 3 males a day.

Q: Girl friend & boy friend go for a movie. In the dark, a mosquito enters the girl's skirt. Guess where it would have bitten?
A: The boy friend's hand.

Q: Tarzan and the animals went to the river to take a bath. Tarzan removed his clothes. All the animals laughed. Tarzan asked "Why"?
A: The animals told him. "Your tail is in front".

.
from Khun Chamaimas - Friend of Intania 61
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