ผู้เขียน หัวข้อ: Jokes Archive.....  (อ่าน 69289 ครั้ง)

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Re: Jokes Archive.....
« ตอบกลับ #60 เมื่อ: 18 มกราคม, 2005, 09:35:59 PM »
From http://www.jokesgallery.com/


Vatican Debate


Several centuries ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave the Vatican. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jewish community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Jewish community. If the Jew won, the Jews could stay. If the Pope won, the Jews would leave. The Jews realized that they had no choice. So they picked an elderly aged man named Moishe to represent them. Rabbi Moishe's Latin wasn't very good - in fact, he knew very little--but he was a man of great faith and well respected in the Jewish community. The pope agreed. What could be easier than a silent debate?


The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple. The Pope stood up and said,

"I give up. This man is too good. The Jews can stay."



An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what happened.

The Pope said: "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions.

Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground and showing that God was also right here with us.

I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do? "



Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe. "What happened?" they asked.

"Well," said Moishe, "First he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving.

Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here."

"And then?" asked a woman.


"I don't know," said Moishe.



"He took out his lunch and I took out mine."






Landing Announcement


The jumbo jet is just coming into Pearson Airport in Toronto on its final approach.


The pilot comes on over the intercom and says,

"Ladies and gentlemen. This is Capt. Johnson speaking. We're on our final descent into Toronto. I want to thank you for flying with us today, and I hope you enjoy your stay in Toronto."


Unknowingly, the pilot forgets to switch off the intercom and the entire plane can now hear the conversation in the cockpit.

The co-pilot says to the pilot, "Well, Captain, what are you gonna do here in Toronto?"


By now, all ears in the plane are listening in to this conversation.

"Well," says the Captain, "First, I'm gonna check into the hotel and take a nice, long crap. Then I'm gonna take that new stewardess out for supper. You know, the cute one with the huge tits. I'm gonna wine and dine her, then take her back to my room, and then I'm gonna make love to her all night long."



Everyone in the plane is trying to get a look at the new stewardess.

She's so embarrassed, she runs from the back of the plane to get to the cockpit to turn the intercom off.

Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and down she goes, flat on her face.



The old lady leans over to her and says calmly,



"No need to run, dear. He said he's gotta take a shit first!"


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Re: Jokes Archive.....
« ตอบกลับ #61 เมื่อ: 18 มกราคม, 2005, 09:40:06 PM »
From http://www.jokesgallery.com/



GI Insurance

Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.

It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones was having a staggeringly high success-rate, selling insurance to nearly 100% of the recruits he advised.

Rather than asking him about this, the Captain stood at the back of the room and listened to Jones' sales pitch.

Jones explained the basics of GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said,

"If you are killed in a battle and have a GI Insurance, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. But, if you don't have a GI insurance and get killed in the battle, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000."



"Now," he concluded, "which group do YOU think they are going to send into battle first?"






Brave Captain

Once upon a time, there was an officer of the Royal Navy named Captain Bravado who showed no fear when facing his enemies. One day, while sailing the Seven Seas, his lookout spotted a pirate ship approaching, and the crew became frantic. Captain Bravado bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!"


The first mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, and while wearing the brightly colored frock, the Captain led his crew into battle and defeated the mighty pirates. That evening, all the men sat around on deck recounting the triumph of earlier. One of them asked the Captain, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before battle?"


The Captain replied, "If I were to be wounded in the attack, the shirt would not show my blood. Thus, you men would continue to fight, unafraid."

All of the men sat and marveled at the courage of such a manly man's man. As dawn came the next morning, the lookout spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirate ships approaching. The crew stared in worshipful silence at the Captain and waited for his usual orders.


Captain Bravado gazed with steely eyes upon the vast armada arrayed against his ship, and without fear, turned and calmly shouted,


"Get me my brown pants."




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Re: Jokes Archive.....
« ตอบกลับ #62 เมื่อ: 18 มกราคม, 2005, 09:51:00 PM »
From http://www.jokesgallery.com/


Magical Wish

One day, down in the mystical forest, a magical frog was hopping towards a water hole. The forest was so enormous that the frog had never laid eyes on another animal before. But today, by chance a bear was chasing after a rabbit to have for dinner.


The frog called for the two to stop and said,

"Because you are the only two animals I have seen, I will grant both of you three wishes. Bear, you can go first."


The bear thought for a moment, and being the male he was, said, "I wish for all the bears in this forest, apart from me, to be female."


For his wish, the rabbit asked for a crash helmet, and immediately put it on. The bear was amazed at the stupidity of the rabbit, wasting his wish like that.


It was the bear's second turn for a wish. "Well, I wish that all the bears in the next forest were female as well."


The rabbit asked for a motorcycle and immediately hopped on it and roared the engine. The bear was shocked that the rabbit was asking for such idiotic items, because after all, he could have asked for money and bought the bike.


For the last wish the bear thought for a while and then said, "I wish that all the bears in the world, apart from me, were female."



The rabbit grinned, roared the engine, and said,


"I wish that the bear was gay." :)� �;)� �;D





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Re: Jokes Archive.....
« ตอบกลับ #63 เมื่อ: 19 มกราคม, 2005, 10:24:00 AM »

Water Melons


There was a farmer who grew watermelons. He was doing pretty well, but he was disturbed by some local kids who would sneak into his watermelon patch at night and eat his watermelons.

After some careful thought, he came up with a clever idea that he thought would scare the kids away for sure.

He made up a sign and posted it in the field. The next night, the kids showed up and they saw the sign which read,

" Warning! One of the watermelons in this field has been injected with cyanide."



The kids ran off, made up their own sign and posted it next to the farmer's sign. When the farmer returned, he surveyed the field. He noticed that no watermelons were missing, but the sign next to his read,


" Now there are two ! "









From http://www.jokesgallery.com/


Sam The Man

Sam has been in the computer business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Vermont as far from humanity as possible. Sam sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, he's finishing dinner when someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a big, bearded Vermonter standing there.



"Name's Enoch... Your neighbor from four miles over the ridge... Having a party Saturday... Thought you'd like to come."

"Great," says Sam, "after six months of this I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."

 

As Enoch is leaving he stops, "Gotta warn you there's gonna be some drinkin'."

"Not a problem... After 25 years in the computer business, I can drink with the best of 'em."

 

Again, as he starts to leave Enoch stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too."

"Damn", Sam thinks... "Tough crowd." "Well, I get along with people. I'll be there. Thanks again."



Once again Enoch turns from the door. "I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too."

"Now that's not a problem" says Sam, "Remember I've been alone for six months! I'll definitely be there... By the way, what should I wear?"



Enoch stops in the door again and says,


 " Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us. "




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Re: Jokes Archive.....
« ตอบกลับ #64 เมื่อ: 19 มกราคม, 2005, 10:50:39 PM »
Wedding fight
 
 
A wedding occurred, just outside Cavan in Ireland.

To keep tradition going, everyone got drunk and the bride's and groom's families had a storming row and began wrecking the reception room and generally kicking the crap out of each other.

The Police got called in to break up the fight. The following week, all members of both families appeared in court.

The fight continued in the court room until the Judge finally brought calm with the use of his hammer, shouting "Silence in Court!"


The court room went silent and Paddy (the best man) stood up and said,

"Judge.. I was the best man at the wedding and I think I should explain what happened." The Judge agreed and asked Paddy to take the stand.



Paddy began his explanation by telling the court that it is traditional in a Cavan wedding that the Best Man gets the first dance with the Bride.


"Well", continued Paddy, "After I had finished the first dance, the music kept going, so I continued dancing to the second song, and after that the music kept going and I was dancing to the third song, when all of a sudden the Groom leaped over the table, ran towards us, and gave the Bride an unmerciful kick in her privates."


The Judge instantly responded: "God.. that must have hurt!"



Paddy replied, "HURT ?? It broke 3 of my fingers!!!"
 









Don't Press That Button ....

 
A man traveling by plane and in urgent need to use the mens room is nervously tapping his foot on the floor of the aircraft. Each time he tried the mensroom door, it was "OCCUPIED".


The stewardess, aware of his predicament suggested that he go ahead and use the ladies room, but cautioned him against using any of the buttons inside. The buttons were marked " WW, WA, PP and ATR ".


Making the mistake that so many men make in disregarding the importance of what a woman says, the man let his curiosity get the best of him and decided to try the buttons anyway.


He carefully pressed the first button marked "WW" and immedately warm water sprayed all over his entire bottom. He thought, "WOW, the women really have it made!".


Still curious, he pressed the button marked "WA" and a gentle breeze of warm air quickly dried his hind quarters. He thought that was out of this world!


The button marked "PP" yielded a large powder puff which delicately applied a soft talc to his rear.



Well, naturally he couldn't resist the last button marked "ATR".


When he woke up in the hospital he panicked and buzzed for the nurse. When she appeared, he cried out, "What happened to me?! The last thing I remember is I was in the ladies room on a business trip!"


The nurse replied,

"Yes, you were having a great time until you pressed the "ATR" button, which stands for Automatic Tampon Remover ........

 Your p*n*s is under your pillow."    :P




http://www.htg2.net/index.php?topic=3397.0

 
วันหนึ่ง สมชายเกิดปวดท้องขนาดหนัก จึงรีบวิ่งตรงเข้าห้องน้ำสาธารณะ
แต่.. โชคไม่เข้าข้าง เพราะทุกห้องเต็มเหยียด
แถมไม่มีทีท่าว่าใครจะออกมา
หลังจากที่เขาเดินกระวนกระวายอยู่หลายนาที
เผอิญมีหญิงสาวคนหนึ่งสังเกตเห็นเข้า
และเดาได้ว่าสมชายกำลังกลัดกลุ้มกับปัญหาทุกข์หนักเช่นใด
ญิงสาวจึงตรงเข้ามาหาและพูดด้วยความเห็นใจว่า

...คุณคะ ๆ ห้องน้ำหญิงว่างอยู่ค่ะ...
..แต่ว่า…อ่า… สมชายยังมีอาการลังเล
..เถอะค่ะ.. ฉันเห็นใจ ฉันยินดีจะเฝ้าให้ ถ้าคุณยอมสัญญากับฉัน 3 ข้อ
หญิงสาวยื่นเงื่อนไข

...ครับ ๆ ๆ ๆ…ผมตกลง สัญญาอะไรบ้างครับ

สมชายรับปากด้วยความเต็มใจยิ่ง
เนื่องจากอะไรต่อมิอะไรในลำไส้ใกล้ระเบิดออกมาให้ขายขี้หน้าอยู่รอมร่อ

..ข้อแรก คุณต้องรีบใช้ห้องน้ำให้เร็วที่สุดในระหว่างที่ฉันเฝ้าให้
เพราะฉันอยู่เฝ้าได้ไม่นาน
เดี๋ยวอาจจะมีสุภาพสตรีที่ต้องการใช้ห้องน้ำมาที่นี่
แล้วเธออาจจะตกใจได้ถ้าเจอคุณอยู่ในนั้น” หญิงสาวเอ่ยขอคำสัญญาข้อแรก
..อูยยย…เร็ว ๆ ครับ รีบบอกข้อ 2 ข้อ 3 มาด่วนเลย..

..ข้อ 2 คุณต้องรักษาความสะอาด ห้ามทำให้เลอะเทอะสกปรกเด็ดขาด
พวกผู้ชายน่ะ ชอบทำห้องน้ำสกปรก

..ข้อ 3 ต่อเลยครับ เร็ว ๆ ๆ ๆ

..ข้อสุดท้ายสำคัญที่สุด.. คุณต้องสัญญาว่า ห้ามกดปุ่มใด ๆ
..ทั้งสิ้นในห้องน้ำหญิง นอกเหนือจากปุ่มชักโครก

คำสัญญาข้อสุดท้าย.. แม้จะทำสมชายค่อนข้างงง
ทำนองไม่เข้าใจว่าจะมีปุ่มอะไรในห้องน้ำหญิงนักหนา
แต่เขาก็รับคำเนื่องจากปวดท้องจนทนไม่ไหว

ว่าแล้วสมชายก็วิ่งพรวดเข้าไปในห้องน้ำ หลังปลดทุกข์อันหนักหน่วง
เขาจึงมีโอกาสได้พิจารณาห้องเล็ก ๆ โดยรอบ

ซึ่งพบว่าไม่มีอะไรต่างจากห้องน้ำชายสักเท่าไร เว้นแต่..
ปุ่มแปลกประหลาดจำนวน 3 ปุ่ม สีเขียว สีฟ้า
และสีแดงอยู่ที่ผนังห้องน้ำ!

แถมปรากฏอักษรย่อ ..น.อ... ที่ปุ่มสีเขียว ..พ.ล.... ที่ปุ่มสีฟ้า และ
..ด.ผ.อ.น.ม. ที่ปุ่มสีแดง

สมชายเริ่มเกิดความอยากรู้อยากเห็น เพราะห้องน้ำชายไม่ยักมีปุ่มพวกนี้

เขาจึงอดไม่ได้ที่จะละเมิดคำสัญญาลองกดปุ่มแรกที่เขียนว่า ..น.อ.

ทันใด.. สิ่งน่าประหลาดใจก็เกิดขึ้น

เมื่อปรากฏมีสายน้ำอุ่นพุ่งขึ้นฉีดล้างทำความสะอาดบั้นท้ายเขาอย่างนุ่มนวล

แผ่วเบา และอุ่นสบาย สมชายจึงรู้ว่า ที่แท้ ..น.อ. ย่อมาจากน้ำอุ่น!

ขณะนึกอิจฉาอุปกรณ์อำนวยความสะดวกในห้องน้ำหญิง เขาก็อดใจไม่ไหว
ต้องลองกดปุ่มที่สองที่เขียนว่า พ.ล.
ทันใดนั้น.. ก็มีสายลมพัดพุ่งตรงใส่บั้นท้ายเขา
เป่าให้แห้งอย่างนุ่มนวล แผ่วเบา และอุ่นสบายเช่นเคย

ทีนี้ สมชายจึงเข้าใจกระจ่างว่า พ.ล. แปลว่าพัดลม!

เมื่อสมชายเห็นความอัศจรรย์สุดยอดของบริการทันสมัยไปสองปุ่มแล้ว

เขาอดไม่ได้ที่จะลองกดปุ่มสุดท้ายที่กำกับด้วยอักษรย่อยาวที่สุดว่า
.. ด.ผ.อ.น.ม... พลางนึกว่าปุ่มนี้น่าจะเป็นทีเด็ดสุดยอด

เหตุการณ์ทุกอย่างเกิดขึ้นอย่างรวดเร็วราวสายฟ้าแล่บ
กว่าสมชายจะรู้ตัวอีกที ก็ตอนได้สติที่โรงพยาบาล

ทันทีที่ลืมตาขึ้น เขารีบถามพยาบาลที่อยู่ตรงหน้าทันทีว่า…
..นี่มันที่ไหนกัน ผมอยู่ที่ไหนเนี่ย เกิดอะไรขึ้น
ผมจำได้ว่าผมเข้าไปใช้บริการที่ห้องน้ำหญิง แล้วผมมาอยู่นี่ได้ไง..


..ตอนนี้คุณอยู่ที่โรงพยาบาลค่ะ
ที่คุณต้องมาอยู่นี่ก็เพราะคุณไปกดปุ่มสีแดงเข้าน่ะนะคะ..
เมื่อเห็นสมชายทำหน้างง พยาบาลสาวนางนั้นจึงเฉลยว่า

..ปุ่มสีแดงที่มีอักษรย่อว่า ด.ผ.อ.น.ม. หมายถึง ..ดึงผ้าอนามัย..
ไงคะ… ฉันต้องแสดงความเสียใจด้วย เพราะคุณหมอต่อให้คุณไม่สำเร็จค่ะ

เครื่องมันจัดการดึงแล้วยัดลงชักโครกไปแล้วล่ะนะคะ!

« แก้ไขครั้งสุดท้าย: 22 มิถุนายน, 2005, 07:37:58 PM โดย ป๋ม ชื่อ แรด »
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Re: Jokes Archive.....
« ตอบกลับ #65 เมื่อ: 21 มกราคม, 2005, 09:45:24 AM »
from http://www.free-dirty-jokes.net


Three Nuns


Three nuns decided to quit so they went to the Mother Superior and said, "We don't want to be nuns anymore; how do we quit?"

The mother told them, "Do something unholy and come back here in 24 hours."



So the nuns left, each of them thinking, " What can I do that's unholy ? "



The next day they went to the mother one at a time.


The mother said to the first nun, "What unholy thing did you do?"

And the nun said "I stole a kid's bike."

The mother said, "I guess that will do, go drink some holy water."

When the nun did, she was no longer a nun and she left the convent.



The second nun walked in and the mother said, "What unholy thing did you do?"

The nun replied, "I slept with a married man!"

The mother said, "Well, that's sinning. Go drink holy water."



The third nun walked in and the mother said, "What unholy thing did you do?"

The third nun said proudly,




" I pissed in the holy water! "






A Small P*n*s

Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor. With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health they were concerned about his rather small p*n*s.


After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, "Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem."


The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.


"Gee, Mom," he exclaimed. "For me?"

"Just take two," mom replied,




" The rest are for your father."


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« ตอบกลับ #66 เมื่อ: 22 มกราคม, 2005, 03:24:30 PM »
Big Feet


A lady went into a bar in Waco and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. He had on the biggest boots she'd ever seen! The woman asked the cowboy,

"Is it true what they say about men with big feet?"



The cowboy grinned and said, "Shore is, little lady! Why don't ya come on out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?"



The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him. The next morning she handed him a $100 bill.

Blushing, he said, "Well, thankee, ma'am. Ah'm real flattered. Ain't nobody ever paid me fer mah services before."



The woman replied, " Don't be flattered. Take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit."







The Boat that Sank


Joe and John were identical twins.� Joe owned an old dilapidated boat and kept pretty much to himself.

One day he rented out his boat to a group of out-of-staters who ended up sinking it.


He spent all day trying to salvage as much stuff as he could from the sunken vessel and was out of touch all that day and most of the evening.


Unbeknownst to him, his brother John's wife had died suddenly in his absence.� When he got back on shore he went into town to pick up a few things at the grocery.


A kind old woman there mistook him for John and said,

"I'm so sorry for your loss. You must feel terrible."



Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said, "Hell no! Fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her."

"She was a rotten old thing from the beginning."

"Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish."

"She was always holding water. She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too."

"Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy."

"I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to those four guys looking for a good time."

"I warned them that she wasn't very good and that she smelled bad, but they wanted her anyway."

"The damn fools tried to get in her all at one time and she split right up the middle."


The old woman fainted.


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« ตอบกลับ #67 เมื่อ: 29 มกราคม, 2005, 08:50:54 AM »
From http://www.free-dirty-jokes.net/


At the Golf Course


Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a chap carrying a golf bag called out to them,

"Do you mind if join you? My partner didn't turn up."

"Sure," they said, "You're welcome."


So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?"

"I'm a hit man," was the reply.



"You're joking!" was the response.

"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are my tools."

"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here."



So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.

"Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window. Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked! What's that?... Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her. He's naked as well! ...That bitch!"


He turned to the hitman, "How much do you charge for a hit?"

"I do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger."

"Can you do two for me now?"

"Sure, what do you want?"



"First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth. Then the neighbor, he's a mate of mine, a bit of a lad, so just shoot his d*ck off to teach him a lesson."



The hitman took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.


"Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently.


"Just wait a moment, be patient," said the hitman calmly,



"I think I can save you a grand ....."






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« ตอบกลับ #68 เมื่อ: 29 มกราคม, 2005, 09:30:20 AM »

Golden Urinal


Before the inauguration, George W. was invited to a 'get acquainted' tour of the White House.

After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked President Clinton if he could use his personal bathroom. He was astonished to see that the President had a solid gold urinal !!!


That afternoon, George W. told his wife, Laura, about the urinal. "Just think," he said,

"when I am President, I'll have my own personal gold urinal!"



Later, when Laura had lunch with Hillary at her tour of the White House, she told Hillary how impressed George had been with his discovery of the fact that, in the President's private bathroom, the President had a gold urinal.


That evening, Bill and Hillary were getting ready for bed. Hillary turned to Bill and said,


" Well, I found out who peed in your saxophone."








Male Virgin


After working for years, a hooker finally retired and, being afraid of spending the rest of her life alone, she decided to marry. She had been with so many perverted men over the years that she felt she needed a change and would only get one by marrying a virgin male near her age.

She took out ads in newspapers around the world seeking a male virgin who was 55 years old. She finally narrowed her choice to an Australian computer programmer.



After a thorough background check, she was satisfied that he had indeed never been with a woman and they were married.

On their wedding night, she went into the bathroom to change into her nightie. When she came back out, she found that her new husband had taken the bed and everything in the room and stacked it in one corner of the room.

Thinking this was rather kinky, she said to her husband. "thought you had never been with a woman."



He replied, "That's true, but if it's anything like screwing a kangaroo, we're going to need all the room we can get"!





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« ตอบกลับ #69 เมื่อ: 04 กุมภาพันธ์, 2005, 11:14:10 AM »

Stuck to the floor


A woman is drying herself after a shower when she suddenly slips over and lands spread-legged on the bathroom floor.


She tries to stand up again but realizes that she landed so hard that her v*gina has stuck to the floor creating such a vacuum that she can't move.


She calls out to her husband for help. He tries with all his strength to lift her up but she won't budge.

So he goes next door and gets the neighbor. Both of them are pulling like oxen but she just won't move. She is truly stuck to the floor.


Suddenly the neighbor says, "Why don't we just get a hammer and break the tiles around her legs and lift her that way?"


"Great idea," says the husband, "But let me rub her boobs a little to arouse her."

"Why?" asks a confused neighbor.



"She'll need the lubrication so I can slide her over into the kitchen. The tiles are cheaper in there."







Not Hungry

A woman asks her husband, "Would you like some bacon and eggs? A slice of toast and maybe some grapefruit and coffee?"


He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."


At lunchtime she asked if he would like something. "A bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?"

He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food."


Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat.

"Would you like a juicy porterhouse steak and scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"

He declines again. "Naw, still not hungry."


"Well," she says,


"would you mind letting me up? I'm starving."








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« ตอบกลับ #70 เมื่อ: 04 กุมภาพันธ์, 2005, 11:18:50 AM »
If I Died...

A wife asks her husband, "Honey, if I died, would you remarry?"

"After a considerable period of grieving, I guess I would.. We all need companionship."



"If I died and you remarried," the wife asks, "would she live in this house?"

"We've spent a lot of money getting this house just the way we want it. I'm not going to get rid of my house. I guess she would."



"If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house," the wife asks, "would she sleep in our bed?"

"Well, the bed is brand new, and it cost us $2,000. It's going to last a long time, so I guess she would."



"If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house and slept in our bed, would she use my golf clubs?"


"Oh, no," the husband replies.



" She's left-handed."







Biblical Love

After a few days on the new Earth, the Lord called to Adam and said,

''It is time for you and Eve to begin the process of populating the earth, so I want you to kiss her.''

Adam answered, ''Yes, Lord, but what is a 'kiss'?''

The Lord gave a brief description to Adam, who took Eve by the hand and took her to a nearby bush. A few minutes later, Adam emerged and said, ''Thank you Lord, that was enjoyable.''

And the Lord replied, ''Yes Adam, I thought you might enjoy that. Now, I'd like you to caress Eve.''
And Adam said, ''What is a 'caress'?''

So, the Lord again gave Adam a brief description and Adam went behind the bush with Eve. Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and said, ''Lord, that was even better than the kiss.''


And the Lord said, ''You've done well Adam. And now, I want you to make love to Eve.'' And Adam asked, ''What is 'make love', Lord?''

So, the Lord again gave Adam directions and Adam went again to Eve behind the bush, but this time he re-appeared in two seconds.

And Adam said,



''Lord, what is a 'headache'?''



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« ตอบกลับ #71 เมื่อ: 04 กุมภาพันธ์, 2005, 11:31:15 AM »

Relatively


Einstein climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God.


Looking up, he asks the Lord... "God, what does a million years mean to you?"

The Lord replies, "A minute."


Einstein asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"

The Lord replies, "A penny."


Einstein asks, "Can I have a penny?"


The Lord replies,




"In a minute."







A test for monks



The head of the monastery wanted to check how strong his priests are in resisting temptetion.

He called 3 of them to his room, and ordered them to put a small bell on their penis.



After that, he went to the first guy, and showed him a picture of a gorgeous naked girl.

"Gling Gling", went the bell, and the head of the monastary was furious: "you call yourself a monk? you are as weak as a baby!".



He went then to the second guy, and showed him a cover of a dirty porn movie.

"Gling Gling", went the bell.

"you are a disgrace! get out of my sight!".



Almost in complete dispair, he went to the thirs guy and showed him a cover of a porn-magazine. There was silent.


"Way to go, son, you are the only man here worth to be call a monk", the head of the monastery said, while putting his hand on him.



"Gling Gling", went the bell.



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« ตอบกลับ #72 เมื่อ: 04 กุมภาพันธ์, 2005, 11:38:41 AM »
Dying Preacher

An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his IRS agent and his Lawyer (both church members), to come to his home. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room, the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed.

The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything. Both the IRS agent and Lawyer were touched and flattered that the old preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moment.

They were also puzzled because the preacher had never given any indication that he particularly liked either one of them.


Finally, the Lawyer asked, "Preacher, why did you ask the two of us to come?"


The old preacher mustered up some strength, then said weakly,


"Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go, too."






Improvements in Hell

An engineer died and ended up in Hell. He was not pleased with the level of comfort in Hell, and began to redesign and build improvements. After a while, they had toilets that flush, air conditioning, and escalators. Everyone grew very fond of him.

One day God called to Satan to mock him, "So, how's it going down there in Hell?"


Satan replied, "Hey, things are great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."


God was surprised, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake. He should never have gotten down there in the first place. Send him back up here."


"No way," replied Satan. "I like having an engineer, and I'm keeping him."


God threatened, "Send him back up here now or I'll sue!"


Satan laughed and answered,



"Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

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« ตอบกลับ #73 เมื่อ: 04 กุมภาพันธ์, 2005, 11:47:18 AM »



President  Drive


The President had just finished a tour of the East Coast and was taking a limousine to the airport.

Having never driven a limo, he asked the chauffeur if he could drive for awhile. Well, the chauffeur didn't have much of a choice, so the chauffeur climbs in the back  of the limo and the President takes the wheel.


The President  proceeds to hop on 95 and starts accelerating to see what  the limo could do.

Well he gets to about 90 mph and, WHAM !, there are  the blue lights of our friendly State Patrol in his mirror.


He pulls over and the trooper comes to his window. Well the trooper, seeing who it was, says "just a moment please I need to call in."


The trooper radio's in and asks for the chief. He tells the chief

"I've got a REALLY important person pulled over and I need to know what to do."


The chief replys "Who is it, not Ted again ?" The trooper says, " No, even more important."


The chief replys, "It's the Governor, is it ?", the trooper replys "No, even more important."


"It's isn't the President is it ?" "No, more important", replys the trooper.


"Well WHO the HECK is it !", screams the chief.



"I don't know " says the trooper.



"But he's got the President as a chauffeur."




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« ตอบกลับ #74 เมื่อ: 04 กุมภาพันธ์, 2005, 11:59:41 AM »

Welcome At Church ?

Three couples -- one elderly, one middle-aged and one newlywed -- wanted to join a church.

 The priest said, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks."

The couples all agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.



The pastor went to the elderly couple and asked, "Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"

The old man replied, "No problem at all, Father."

"Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the priest.



The priest went to the middle-aged couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"

The middle-aged man replied, "The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights, but, yep, we made it."

"Congratulations! Welcome to the church," said the priest.



The priest then went to the newlywed couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?"

"No Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied sadly.


"What happened?" inquired the priest.

"My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it," said the young man. "When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there."


"You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the priest.


"We know," said the young man.




" We're not welcome at the supermarket anymore either."

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« ตอบกลับ #75 เมื่อ: 07 กุมภาพันธ์, 2005, 08:22:49 PM »
From Dr.Pongsarn Intania 61

วาสลีนกับการล้างจาน ( เกี่ยวกันไงล่ะ )

(อ่านแล้วเดาได้มั้ย)


วาสลีนกับการล้านจาน


ไอ้หนุ่มคนหนึ่งใฝ่ฝันมานานแล้วว่า อยากได้มอ'ไซค์ฮาเลย์ซักคัน
 
จนกระทั่งวันหนึ่งเขาเก็บเงินได้มากพอจนสามารถซื้อฮาเลย์ได้ แต่ก่อนที่จะออกจากโชว์รูม คนขายเตือนเขาว่า ให้ระวังชิ้นส่วนที่ชุบโครเมียมจะหมองถ้าโดนฝน ไอ้หนุ่มมอ'ไซค์เห็นจริงดันั้น เลยถามคนขายว่าควรทำอย่างไรดี แล้วก้อได้คำตอบว่า ให้พกวาสลีนติดตัวไว้เสมอ เวลาฝนจะตกก้อเอาวาสลีนไปละเลงตรงที่ชุบโครเมียม

ด้วยความรักที่มีต่อมอ'ไซค์ราคาแพง ไอ้หนุ่มคนนั้นจึงพกวาสลีนติดตัวตามที่ได้รับคำแนะนำมา

ต่อมาไม่นาน ไอ้หนุ่มมอไซค์ก้อพบรักกับสตรีนางหนึ่ง ถึงขนาดพาซ้อนฮาเลย์ไปใหนมาไหนด้วยกันตลอดเวลา ความรักของทั้งสองคนเบ่งบานขึ้นจนสาวเจ้าออกปากเชิญไป กินข้าวเย็นที่บ้านกับครอบครัวของเธอ ไอ้หนุ่มฮาเลย์ตกลงทันที

แต่เธอบอกว่าที่บ้านเธอมีธรรมเนียมแปลกอยู่อย่างหนึ่ง นั่นคือหลังอาหารเย็นสิ้นสุดลง ใครพูดออกมาเป็นคนแรกต้องล้างจานทั้งหมด

ไอ้หนุ่มรู้สึกแปลกใจแต่คิดว่าคงน่าสนุกดี ดังนั้นหลังอาหารเย็น ทุกคนซึ่งประกอบด้วย พ่อแม่ของฝ่ายหญิงและคู่รักหนุ่มสาวจึงพากันรูดซิปปากกันถ้วนหน้า

กาลผ่านไปเป็นชั่วโมงจนไอ้หนุ่มรู้สึกอึดอัด แต่แล้วเขาก้อคิดอุบายออกมาได้อย่างหนึ่ง เขาหันมากอดจูบแฟนสาวต่อหน้าพ่อแม่ของเธอ แต่ผิดคาด ไม่มีใครพูดอะไรเลยแม้แต่คำเดียว


ไอ้หนุ่มมอ'ไซค์ไม่ยอมจำนนง่ายๆ เขาจับสาวเจ้าให้ขึ้นไปนอนบนโต๊ะอาหารแล้วจัดการ ....เซ็นเซอร์.... ทันที ไม่มีใครเอ่ยปากแม้แต่คำเดียว!!!


ไอ้หนุ่มรู้สึกประหลาดใจมาก แต่ยังไม่ยอมแพ้ คราวนี้ลงมือ ....เซ็นเซอร์.... กับแม่ของฝ่ายหญิงอย่างดุเดือด แต่แล้วก้อเหมือนเดิม ไม่มีใครพูดอะไรออกมาเลย

คราวนี้ไอ้หนุ่มฮาเลย์รู้แล้วว่า คงไม่มีทางเอาชนะเกมนี้ได้ง่ายๆ ยิ่งไปกว่านั้นเขาได้ยินเสียงฟ้าร้องครืนมาแต่ไกล แน่แล้ว ฝนกำลังจะตกแน่ๆ


สิ่งแรกที่เขาคิดคือต้องเอาวาสลีนไปทารถมอ'ไซค์ซะก่อนที่จะเปียกฝน


คิดแล้วเขาก้อล้วงเอากระปุกวาสลีนออกมา....





"เอาหล่ะ" เสียงหนึ่งทำลายความเงียบขึ้น  เป็นของพ่อของแฟนสาวนั่นเอง


"ถ้าเอ็งจะเอาขนาดนี้เลยล่ะก้อ ....ข้าล้างจานเองก้อได้..."   :-[   ;)



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« ตอบกลับ #76 เมื่อ: 08 กุมภาพันธ์, 2005, 09:15:38 PM »


Ladies night out



Last night, my friends and I went to a Ladies Night Club.

One of the girls wanted to impress the rest of us, so she pulled out a 10 note. When the male dancer came over to us, my friend licked the 10 note and stuck it to his butt cheek!

Not to be outdone, another friend pulls out a 20 note. She called the guy back, licks the 20 note, and sticks it to his other butt cheek.


In another attempt to impress the rest of us, my third friend pulls out a 50 note and calls the guy over, and licks the 50 note. I'm worried about the way things are going, but fortunately, she just stuck it to one of his butt cheeks again.


My relief was short-lived. Seeing the way things are going, the guy gyrates over to me!!!


Now everyone's attention is focused on me, and the guy is egging me on to try to top the 50 note.


My brain was churning as I reached for my wallet.....what could I do??



The woman in me took over!






I got out my ATM card, swiped it down the crack of his butt, grabbed the eighty bucks, and went home!!

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« ตอบกลับ #77 เมื่อ: 09 กุมภาพันธ์, 2005, 02:52:35 PM »

Welcome To Oz

Four U.S. Presidents are caught in a tornado, and off they spin to OZ. After threatening trials and tribulations, they finally make it to the Emerald City and come before the Great Wizard.


"What brings you before the great and powerful Wizard of Oz? What do you want?"


Jimmy Carter steps forward timidly, "I had a terrible time with Iran, so I've come for some courage ."

"No problem!" says the Wizard, "Who is next?"



Up steps George Bush Senior sadly, "I'm told by the American people that I need a heart ."

"I've heard its true." says the Wizard. "Consider it done. Who comes next before the great and powerful Oz?"



George W. bush steps forward, "Well, I think I need a brain ".

"Done" says the Wizard.



Then there is a great silence in the hall. Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but doesn't say a word. Irritated, the Wizard finally asks,

 "What brings you to the emerald city?"




"Is Dorothy around?"


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« ตอบกลับ #78 เมื่อ: 10 กุมภาพันธ์, 2005, 10:10:18 AM »
Tarzan Having Sex


One day Jane met Tarzan in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he managed for sex.

"What's that?" he asked.

She explained to him what sex was and he said, "Oh, Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree.

"Horrified, she said, "Tarzan, you have it all wrong! I will show you how to do it properly."


She took off her clothes, laid down on the ground, and spread her legs.

"Here," she said, pointing, "You must put it in here."

Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer, and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch.

Jane screamed and rolled around in agony for several minutes. Eventually, she managed to gasp,

"What the hell did you do that for?"




" Tarzan always check for bees."


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« ตอบกลับ #79 เมื่อ: 12 กุมภาพันธ์, 2005, 08:35:30 AM »
From http://www.free-dirty-jokes.net


Two Moose Hunters


Two moose hunters from Texas are flown into a remote lake in Alaska.

They have a good hunt and both manage to get a large moose. When the plane returns to pick them up, the pilot looks at the animals and says,

" This little plane won't lift all of us, the equipment, and both of those animals. You'll have to leave one. We'd never make it over the trees on the take off."
 

"That's baloney!" says one of the hunters.

"Yeah," the other agrees, "You're just chicken. We came out here last year and got two moose and that pilot had some guts! He wasn't afraid to take off!"


"Yeah", said the first hunter, "and his plane wasn't any bigger than yours!"


The pilot got angry, and said, "Hell, if he did it, then I can do it! I can fly as well as anybody!"


They loaded up, taxied at full throttle, and the plane almost made it, but didn't have the lift to clear the trees at the end of the lake. It clipped the tops, then flipped, then broke up, scattering the baggage, animal carcasses, and passengers all through the brush.


Still alive, but hurt and dazed, the pilot sat up, shook his head to clear it, and said,� " Where are we ? "


One of the hunters rolled out from being thrown into a bush, looked around and said,





" I'd say ... About a hundred yards further than last year."





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« ตอบกลับ #80 เมื่อ: 15 กุมภาพันธ์, 2005, 11:37:39 AM »
Stupid Wives ??

Three business men were sitting in a bar, drinking and discussing how stupid their wives were.

The first says, "I tell you, my wife is so stupid. Last week she went to the supermarket and bought $300 worth of meat because it was on sale, and we don't even have a fridge big enough to keep it in!"


The second agrees that she sounds pretty thick, but says his wife is thicker. "Just last week, she went out and spent $17,000 on a new car," he laments, "and she doesn't even know how to drive!"


The third, a blond male, nods sagely and agrees that these two women sound like they both walked through the stupid forest and got hit by every branch.

However, he still thinks his wife is dumber.� " I have to laugh when I think about it," he chuckles.


"Last week my wife left on a vacation to Greece. I watched her packing her bags and she must have taken at least five boxes of condoms with her. She doesn't even have a p*nis!"






This one is a bit rude ......


Working Construction

A construction worker on the 3rd floor of a building needs a handsaw so he sees another man on the 1st floor. He yells down to him, but he can't hear, so he does sign language.

He points at his eye meaning "I", points at his knee meaning "need", and moves his hand back and forth in a handsaw motion.



The man on the 1st floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, and starts masturbating.


The man on the 3rd floor gets so angry he runs down to the 1st floor and says,

 "What the hell is wrong with you dumbass? I said I need handsaw!!"




The other guy says,





"I knew that, I was just trying to tell you I'm coming." ;)


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« ตอบกลับ #81 เมื่อ: 16 กุมภาพันธ์, 2005, 12:20:17 PM »

From http://www.jokesgallery.com


Generous Lawyer


A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.


"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"


The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied,

"First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"


Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."



The lawyer interrupts,

 "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.



"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children ? !"


The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."



On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again,





"So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"



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« ตอบกลับ #82 เมื่อ: 03 มีนาคม, 2005, 07:38:25 AM »

Smell The Fork



A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is  also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu.

"I'm sorry, sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a  dirty fork from a previous customer. I'll smell it and order from there."
 

A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath.

"Ah, yes, that's what I'll have -- meatloaf and mashed potatoes."



Unbelievable, the owner thinks as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner's wife. He tells her what had just happened.

The blind man eats his meal and leaves.



Several days later, the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again.

"Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man."

"I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork."

The owner retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man.

After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great. I'll take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli."


Walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him.

The blind man eats and leaves.



He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen.

He tells his wife, "Mary, rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man."

Mary complies and hands her husband the fork. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.

"Good afternoon, sir, this time I remembered you and I already have
the fork ready for you."


The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff, and says,
 



" Hey I didn't know that Mary worked here..."

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« ตอบกลับ #83 เมื่อ: 03 มีนาคม, 2005, 07:52:09 AM »

The elephant's trunk transplant

Jack goes to the doctor and says "Doc I'm having trouble getting my p*nis erect, can you help me?"

After a complete examination the doctor tells Jack, "Well the problem with you is that the muscles around the base of your pen*s are damaged. There's really nothing I can do for you except ifyou're willing to try an experimental treatment."

Jack asks sadly, "What is this treatment?"

"Well," the doctorexplains, "what we would do is take the muscles from the trunk of a baby elephant and implant them in your p*nis."


Jack thinks about it silently then says, "Well the thought of going through life without ever having sex again is too much, lets go for it."



A few weeks after the operation Jack was given the green light to use his improved equipment. He planned a romantic evening for his girl friend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in the city. In the middle of dinner he felt a stirring between his legs that continued to the point of being uncomfortable.


To release the pressure Jack unzipped his fly. His p*nis immediately sprung from his pants, went to the top of the table, grabbed adinner roll and then returned to his pants.


His girl friend was stunned at first but then said with a sly smile, " That was incredible! Can you do that again? "


Jack replied,



" Well, I guess so, but I'm not sure I can fit another dinner roll up my ass!"



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« ตอบกลับ #84 เมื่อ: 03 มีนาคม, 2005, 08:05:15 AM »
Little boy learns arithmetic

A little boy is in school working on his arithmetic. The teacher says,

"Imagine there are 5 black birds sitting on a fence. You pick up your BB gun and shoot one. How many blackbirds are left?"


The little boy thinks for a moment and says, "NONE!"

The teacher replies, "None, how do you figure that?"

The little boy says, if I shoot one, all the other birds will fly away scared, leaving none on the fence."

The teacher replies, "Hmm, not exactly, but I do like the way you think!"



The little boy then says, "Teacher, let me ask you a question.

There are 3 women sitting on a park bench eating ice cream cones.

One is licking her cone, another is biting it and the third one is sucking it. How can you tell which one of the women is married?"


The teacher ponders the question uncomfortably and then finally replies, "Well, I guess the one sucking her cone."




To which the little boy replies,

"Actually, its the one with the wedding ring, but I do like the way YOU think!"


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« ตอบกลับ #85 เมื่อ: 05 มีนาคม, 2005, 08:57:09 AM »

Rigged Contest

Two guys went to a gas station that was holding a contest: a chance to win free sex when you filled your tank. They pumped their gas and went to pay the attendant.

"I'm thinking of a number between one and ten," he said. "If you guess right, you win free sex."


"Okay," agreed one of the guys, "I guess seven."

"Sorry, I was thinking of eight," replied the attendant.



The next week they tried again. When they went to pay, the attendant told them to pick a number.
"Two!" said the second guy.

"Sorry, it's three, said the attendant. "Come back and try again."



As they walked out to their car, one guy said to the other, "I think this contest is rigged."

"No way," said his buddy.






" My wife won twice last week. "

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« ตอบกลับ #86 เมื่อ: 05 มีนาคม, 2005, 09:07:47 AM »

Hard of Hearing Genie


OK, so a man walks into a bar with a large box, the bar tender goes up to him and asks "whats in the box".

The man says "I'll show ya' if you get me a beer."

So of course the bar tender gets the man a beer, the man drinks it, and he pulls out a little foot tall man and he pulls out a little piano. The little man starts playing the piano !



Next the bar tender asks "hey! thats prety cool, where did ya' get that?"

The man says" I'll tell ya' if you get me another beer."

So the bar tender gets the man another beer, the man drinks it, and he says "I got it from a geenie and a lamp"



The bar tender says "If ya' let me barrow that geenie and that lamp I'll give ya' another beer."

The man says "Oh, Okay!"



The bar tender gets the man another beer, the man drinks it, and the man gives the bar tender the lamp.

The bar tender rubs the lamp and the geenie pops out!

The geenie says "Master, I grant you one wish, what is it?"



The bar tender says "I wish for a million bucks!!!"

And all of a sudden a million ducks start flying into the room.


"What the heck is this!!! I wished for a million bucks not a million ducks!!!"




And the man says "Well did you think I wished for a 12 inched  pianist ! "



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« ตอบกลับ #87 เมื่อ: 05 มีนาคม, 2005, 09:33:36 AM »

Looking forward to old age.


There were three elderly men sitting in wheelchairs on the porch one sunny afternoon. They were ten years apart in ages.  One was 60, another 70 and the last 80 years old.


The 60 yo, started complaining. He said " I wish I could just piss all at once and not dribble, dribble, dribble all day and night."


The 70 year old then said, " I don't have that problem. I just wish I could take one good dump and not ooze, ooze, oooze all day and night. "





The 80 year old started laughing at the other two. He said, "I don't have any of those problems!"

 "At 7:00 a.m. I take a good piss, at 9:00 a.m. I take a good shit."





" My only problem is that...I don't wake up until noon !"


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« ตอบกลับ #88 เมื่อ: 12 มีนาคม, 2005, 02:08:23 PM »

Men Super Store


Recently a " Husband Super Store " opened where women could go to choose a husband from among many men. It was laid out in five floors.

The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to choose a man from that floor; if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place, never to return. A couple of girlfriends went to the shopping center to find some husbands...


First floor
The door had a sign saying, "These men have jobs and love kids."

The women read the sign and said, "Well, that's better than not having a job or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?" So up they went.



Second floor
The sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking."

"Hmmm," said the ladies, "But, I wonder what's further up?"




Third floor
This sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework."

"Wow," said the women, "Very tempting." But there was another floor, so further up they went.



Fourth floor
This door had a sign saying "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak."

"Oh, mercy me," they cried, "Just think what must be awaiting us further on! So up to the fifth floor they went.



Fifth floor
The sign on that door said,





" This floor is empty and exists only to prove that women are impossible to please. The exit is to your left. "   ;)

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« ตอบกลับ #89 เมื่อ: 12 มีนาคม, 2005, 02:10:56 PM »

Baseball Heaven

Bob and Earl were best friends and had been for 50 years. They went to baseball games together and had the best time possible. They truly loved the game but they always wondered if there was baseball in heaven and agreed that whoever died first had to call the other guy and tell them if there was baseball in heaven.


Then one night Earl died and then a few days later Bob went to his funeral and came home after the burial service. Then the phone rang it was Earl.


Earl said," Bob is this you "

Bob said," Yes, Earl how are you doing and is there baseball in heaven ? "

Earl said," Well I've got some good news and some bad news."

Bob said, " Whats the good news? "

Earl said, " Well there is baseball in heaven and you can play with Babe Ruth and everybody its great "

Bob said, " Then what's the bad news ? "




Earl said, " Well Bob, your starting pitching tommorow night ! "



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« ตอบกลับ #90 เมื่อ: 17 มีนาคม, 2005, 10:07:08 AM »
From http://www.free-dirty-jokes.net



Med School



First-year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.


The professor started the class by telling them,

" In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor.

The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body."



For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth.


"Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it.


When everyone had finished, the Professor looked at them and told them,

" The second most important quality is observation.........




 I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger
.� Now learn to pay attention ! "


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« ตอบกลับ #91 เมื่อ: 26 มีนาคม, 2005, 08:31:47 PM »

Laughing Horse


Hidden Rhino walks into a bar. On the bar sits a big jar of twenty dollar bills. He asks the bartender,

" What's the deal with the jar of money ? "



"Well", the bartender says,

"I've got a horse tied up in the stable out back. This horse has never laughed in his life. You put a twenty in the jar, then if you can make my horse laugh, You win all the money. "


Hidden Rhino  puts his twenty in the jar, and goes out to the stable. He comes back just a few minutes later, and you can hear the horse laughing all the way inside. Hidden Rhino takes his money and leaves.



About a year later, he goes back to the bar, and they've got another jar of twenties there.


"What's the deal now?" He asks.


"Well",the bartender says,

" That damn horse won't stop laughing! So the first person who can make my horse stop laughing wins the money !"


Hidden Rhino  pays his twenty, and goes out to the stable. He returns a few minutes later, and the horse is bawling his eyes out. He picks up his money and is about to leave when the bartender stops him.



"Alright", he says,"You have won an awful lot of money from me and I want to know how you did it!!"



"Easy", Hidden Rhino  says,




" I made him laugh by saying mine was bigger than his, and I made him cry by proving it !! "









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« ตอบกลับ #92 เมื่อ: 02 เมษายน, 2005, 10:23:14 AM »

Assertiveness


A mild-mannered man was tired of being bossed around by his wife.


He went to a psychiatrist to discuss the problem. The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem and gave him a book on assertiveness.


After finishing the book, the man went home, stormed into the house and walked up to his wife.


Pointing a finger in her face, he said,

" From now on, I want you to know that *I* am the man of this house, and my word is law!

I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my dinner, I expect a sumptuous dessert.

Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax.

And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair ? "




" The funeral director," his wife answered.



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« ตอบกลับ #93 เมื่อ: 02 เมษายน, 2005, 10:29:30 AM »
from� http://www.jokesgallery.com



Begging For It


One night after a date, a guy takes his girlfriend home. After kissing each other goodnight at the front door, the guy starts feeling a little horny. With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her:


" Honey, would you give me a blow job ? "

Horrified, she replies " Are you mad?� My parents will see us ! "


"Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?"

"No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught "


"Oh come on! There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!"

"No way. It's just too risky!"


"Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?"

"No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!"


"Oh yes you can. Please?"

"No, no. I just can't"




"I'm begging you..."


Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's sister shows up in her pajamas, hair disheveled, and in a sleepy voice she says:


" Dad says to go ahead and give him a blow job, or I can do it.
Or if need be, Mom says she can come down herself and do it.


But for God's sake tell him to take his hand off the intercom. "






Art Fan

A couple goes to an art gallery. They find a picture of a naked women with only her privates covered with leaves. The wife doesn't like it and moves on but the huband keeps looking.

The wife asks, "What are you waiting for?"



The husband replies, "Autumn."




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« ตอบกลับ #94 เมื่อ: 13 เมษายน, 2005, 06:02:24 PM »
Three Vampires


Once upon a time, three vampires met in some place in night. Apparently, each one of them was boasting about their vampiric abilities to one another.


Vampire A said, "Look at that mansion over there! I can finish all of its inhabitants within 10 minutes!"

And so he flew to the mansion, and 9 minutes later, he came back with his mouth filled with blood, looking satisfied with himself.


Vampire B then said, "Bah! Look at that village over there! Give me 5 minutes!"

He flew to the village, returned at the next 5 minutes, with his mouth filled with dripping red blood.



Vampire C then yelled, "Pffft! Look at the TOWN over there! Give me 3 minutes!"

He flew to the direction of the town, and one minute later, he returned with his mouth filled with blood.



Vampire A and B stared at him with amazement, then immediately asked, "How come you have such speed, friend?"


Vampire C pointed at a direction, then asked them, "Do you see a building over there?"

"Yes!" answered A and B.





"Well I DON'T!!!"


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« ตอบกลับ #95 เมื่อ: 27 เมษายน, 2005, 08:54:49 AM »

Border Questions


An elderly couple was crossing the Canadian border to go to their winter recluse in Florida. At the crossing they were stopped by an over-zealous border guard, on his first day at work. He commenced to ask the couple a battery of questions and check for passports.


The husband, on behalf of his almost deaf wife, answered the barrage of queries.


Officer: "Where are you going?"

Husband: "We're on vacation and going to Florida."

Wife: "What did he say? What did he say?"

Husband: "He wants to know where we're going."



Officer: "How long will you be gone?"

Husband: "About one month."

Wife: "What did he say? What did he say?"

Husband: "He wants to know how long we'll be gone."



Officer: "Where are you from?"

Husband: "We're from Toronto, Ontario."

Officer: "Toronto, huh. I was there once. Nice city. Had the worst date experience in my life."

Wife: "What did he say? What did he say?"




Husband: " He says he knows you! "



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« ตอบกลับ #96 เมื่อ: 02 พฤษภาคม, 2005, 09:04:59 AM »

Sara Pipalini




Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says

"Sisters, you all led such wonderful lives that I'm granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you want to be."



The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren;"    and *poof* she's gone.

  The second says, "I want to be Madonna;"         and *poof* she's gone.



The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini."

St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he says.

"Sara Pipalini;" replies the nun.



St. Peter shakes his head and says; "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell."


The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter. He reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says



"No sister, the paper says it was the ' Sahara Pipeline ' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months."



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« ตอบกลับ #97 เมื่อ: 21 พฤษภาคม, 2005, 08:03:13 AM »
From� http://www.free-dirty-jokes.net/



Marriage : They never came down


A young couple had just gotten married and spent their wedding night with the young man's parents.


In the morning the mother got up and prepared a lovely breakfast, went to the bottom of the stairs and called for them to come down for breakfast.


After a long wait the family ate without the newlyweds. The mother said, "I wonder why they never came down to eat?"

The grooms young brother said, "Mommy, I think -- "

"Oh shut up, I don't want to hear what you think!" said the mother, not wanting to hear any inappropriate comments from the younger brother.




At lunch time the mother again prepared a wonderful meal and again called the young couple to eat. After another long wait the family proceeded to eat, and after the meal was completed the mother once again said, "I wonder why they never came down to eat?"

Once again the younger brother started to speak, but was interrupted by the mother.




At dinner time once again the mother cooked a very elaborate meal, had the table set perfect and called the newlyweds to join the family for dinner. After another long wait the mother once again questioned why they had not come downstairs all day.

The young lad once again said, "Mommy I think -- "

"Well what is it that you think?" asked the mother rather irritated.



" I think that when my big brother came down to get the Vaseline last night, he got my model plane glue instead. "



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« ตอบกลับ #98 เมื่อ: 23 พฤษภาคม, 2005, 08:44:22 AM »
Wife & Mistress


An Italian architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.


The Italian architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.


The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.


The engineer said, "I like both."

"Both?"

Engineer, "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each� assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done."







An old Italian man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night.


A constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most.,

"When I die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"



They believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs, and strange sounds at all hours. He was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished.

He died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow.


The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme while her neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions: Are you not worried? Concerned? Afraid? of this man who practiced black magic and stated when he died he would dig his way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?



The wife put down her drink and said, "Let's the old bastard dig. I had him buried upside down."


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« ตอบกลับ #99 เมื่อ: 23 พฤษภาคม, 2005, 08:57:05 AM »

Marriage

 :)  It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.

 :)  Losing a wife can be hard. In some cases,    it's almost impossible.

 :)  A man was complaining to a friend, "I had it all - money, a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman. And then - poof - it was all gone."

    "What happened?" asked the friend.

     "My wife found out."


 :)  I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months... I don't like to interrupt her.









The Golf Match


The Pope met with the College of Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Shimon Peres, the former leader of Israel.,

" Your holiness," said one of the Cardinals, " Mr. Peres wants to determine whether Jews or Catholics are superior, by challenging you to a golf match."


The Pope was greatly disturbed, as he had never held a golf club in his life.




"Not to worry," said the Cardinal,

"we'll call America and talk to Jack Nicklaus. We'll make him a Cardinal, he can play Shimon Peres... We can't lose!"

 Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made and, of course, Jack was honored and agreed to play.




The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of his success in the match.,

 " I came in second, your Holiness," said Nicklaus.


" Second ?!! " exclaimed the surprised Pope., " You came in second to Shimon Peres ?!! "


"No," said Nicklaus,





" second to Rabbi Woods. "





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« ตอบกลับ #100 เมื่อ: 25 พฤษภาคม, 2005, 10:21:08 PM »


Playing Roulette



An african ambassador visited Russia and was entertained by his opposite number, the Russian ambassador. For three days, the African ambassador was wined, dined, and generally treated to the best hospitality that Russia had to offer.


On the last day of his visit, the Russian ambassador said,

"As your stay is coming to an end, it's time for you to play our traditional game, Russian roulette. One of the six chambers of this gun is loaded - you spin the cylinder, point the gun at your head, and pull the trigger."



This phased the African slightly, but he was a proud man of a warrior people, and to show fear would be unthinkable. Both men took their guns, spun, and pulled the triggers.

Both chambers were empty, and both ambassadors breathed a sigh of relief.


The African ambassador was impressed with the couragous game, and thought hard about the subject before the Russian Ambassador was due to visit his country the next year.




When the visit came, the African ambassador treated the Russian with all hospitality, until the final day of his stay. Leading him to a private room in the palace, the African ambassador spoke,

"Now, time for you to sample our game, African roulette". He then led the Russian into the room, the only occupants of which were six stunning and naked women.


The African ambassador said, "These women are the most beautiful members of one of our tribes. Any one of them will give you a oral sex - take your pick".


The Russian was not entirely averse to this idea, but he couldn't see the connection with Russian Roulette. He said,

"Well, ok, great, but where's the roulette part? Where's the danger?"




With a big grin on his face, the African ambassador answered:





" One of them's a cannibal. "


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« ตอบกลับ #101 เมื่อ: 07 มิถุนายน, 2005, 07:44:19 PM »

From  http://www.free-dirty-jokes.net/


Good Manners




During class, a teacher was trying to teach good manners. The teacher asks a student:

"Michael, if you were on a date, having supper with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"

"Just a minute, I have to go piss."



"That would be rude and impolite!!! What about you John, how would you say it?"

"I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom, I'll be right back."



"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the table. And you Peter, are you able to use your intelligence for once and show us your good manners?"




" I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment, I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after supper."



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« ตอบกลับ #102 เมื่อ: 09 มิถุนายน, 2005, 09:36:22 PM »


Little Italian boy



Once there was this little Italian boy in the fields with his father. Looking at his dad's hands, the boy says,

" Papa, you do many things with your hands, tell me about your fingers. "


"Wella Tony," Papa said,

" You seea this first finger? You use a dis a one to point a to whata evea you wanna to. You see youa thumb? You usea it a for turna pages in a book, and your ringa finger, you will use whena you get a married, and your little finga, you use to picka you nose. And the middle finga, well, I'lla tella you about thata one when youa getta married. "



Little Tony was satisfied with that and time past. It was now Tony's wedding day. It was a beautiful wedding and just before he was leaving with his bride, Tony went to have a talk with Papa.

Tony said, " Papa, many years ago you told me to use this finger to point at what I want, to turn pages with my thumb, to pick my nose with this little one, and to put my wedding ring on this one, but, Papa, what is it I do with this middle finger ? "



Papa drew close to Tony and said,

" Tony, tonighta you will makea mad hotta love to youa woman many times, and youa may getta tired. When thatta happens, and youa woman turns to you an wanna makea da love againa, that's when you takea your middle finga........




 and you poka on her head and say, 'Go back to sleep youa silly woman
! '"




อุ อุ ..... คุณคิดว่า เคีาจะบอกให้ใช้นิ้วกลาง ทำอะไรอ่ะ ...... อิ อิ   ;)





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« ตอบกลับ #103 เมื่อ: 09 มิถุนายน, 2005, 09:40:58 PM »
From http://www.jokesgallery.com/


Crazy Blind-Dog

A policeman directing traffic at a busy city intersection one afternoon observed a blind man with his seeing-eye dog waiting to cross the street.

All of a sudden, the policeman was aghast at the sight of the seeing-eye dog bolting out into the street in front of heavy traffic at one of the busiest intersections in the whole city, dragging the blind man along with the dog's leash in the blind man's hands while cars were trying to stop, screeching their brakes and swerving to avoid a fatal accident.


The policeman was absolutely horrified, but could do nothing to assist. To the immediate relief of the horrified police officer, the blind man and his dog somehow made it across the street without suffering any harm to themselves whatsoever. It was a miracle!


The police officer, still in shock, observed the blind man, upon reaching the corner sidewalk after having nearly been killed crossing the street, reach into his pocket and pull out a cookie and offer it to his seeing-eye dog.



The officer ran to the blind man and said to him in a loud distraught tone,

" Don't you realize that you could have been killed by your dog dragging you out into a busy street in front of heavy traffic like that? And NOW you're going to reward him ? "


The blind man hesitated a moment, then he said to the policeman,



" Why, no sir!  I'm just trying to find out where his head is so I can kick his ass !"




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« ตอบกลับ #104 เมื่อ: 26 มิถุนายน, 2005, 09:53:07 AM »

Money Frick


There was a man who had worked all of his life and had saved all of his money and was a real miser when it came to his money.

He loved money more than just about anything.


Just before he died, he said to his wife, "Now listen. When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me.


He made her promise with all her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.




Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her.

When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!' She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket.


Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away. So her friend said,

"Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband!"


She said, "Listen, I'm a Christian. I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was gonna put that money in that casket with him.


"You mean to tell me you really put that money in the casket with him!!!!?



"I sure did," said the wife. "I wrote him a check."



Never Underestimate The Intelligence of a Woman



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« ตอบกลับ #105 เมื่อ: 05 กรกฎาคม, 2005, 07:17:56 AM »

Fried Eggs


A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen. " Careful ... CAREFUL!! Put in some more butter!! Oh my Gosh!! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY!!


Turn them!! TURN THEM NOW!! We need more butter. Oh my Gosh!! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER?! They're going to STICK!! Careful ... CAREFUL!! I said be CAREFUL!! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never!! Turn them! HURRY UP!! Are you CRAZY? Have you lost your mind?


Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!!"



The wife stared at him. "What the &^%$&^% is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"



The husband calmly replied,



" I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving ".


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« ตอบกลับ #106 เมื่อ: 21 กรกฎาคม, 2005, 10:58:07 PM »

Who am I ???


One Monday morning a mailman is walking the neighbourhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were in the driveway.


His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles.

"Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night." the mailman comments.


Bob in obvious pain replies, "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighbourhood over for Christmas Cheer and it got a bit wild. Hell, we got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I.


The mailman thinks a moment and says, "How do you play that?"


"Well all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our "privates" showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is."



The mailman laughs and says, "Damn, I'm sorry I missed that.


"Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds.



" Your name came up five times.... "


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« ตอบกลับ #107 เมื่อ: 21 กรกฎาคม, 2005, 11:12:41 PM »

The Butler



A wealthy couple planned to go to an evening ball. They advised Stanley, their Butler, that he was being given the evening off to do whatever he wanted. After an hour and a half at the ball the wife told her husband that she was dreadfully bored and in fact would prefer simply to go home and finish some work for the following day. The husband replied that he had to stay for a couple of more hours since he had to meet some potential business partners.


So, the wife went home alone and found the butler Stanley spread out on the couch watching TV. Moving slowly towards him, she sat down in a very seductive manner. She whispered to him to come closer, then even closer. She moved forward and whispered in his ear:


"Take off my dress ..." she said And Stanley did so.

"Now, will take off my bra ..." she asked To which Stanley obliged.

"Next, please remove my shoes and stockings." she told him Stanley quickly followed her instructions again.

"Now, remove my garter belt and panties." she ordered him. Again, without hesitation, Stanley complied.




She then looked deep into his eyes and in a sharp voice shouted:




" The next time I catch you wearing my clothes, you're fired! "






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« ตอบกลับ #108 เมื่อ: 25 กรกฎาคม, 2005, 09:16:03 PM »


คิดถึง




สมบูรณ์ เป็นอีกคนหนึ่งที่พกรูปถ่ายของภรรยาติดกระเป๋าสตางค์ไว้เสมอ.. แม้ว่าภรรยาของเขาจะเสียชีวิตไปนานหลายปีแล้วก็ตาม

ทุกครัง้ที่สมบูรณ์ประสบกับปัญหา สมบูรณ์จะหยิบภาพถ่ายออกมาดู และเขาก็ผ่านพ้นปัญหานั้นไปได้เสมอ ไม่ว่าสมบูรณ์จะเจออุปสรรคมากมายขนาดไหนบางครั้งเมื่อเขานึกท้อแท้ เขาก็จะรีบเปิดกระเป๋าสตางค์และหยิบรูปถ่ายภรรยาออกมาดูทุกครั้งไป.......

โดยเฉพาะเมื่อครั้งที่เศรษฐกิจไทยก้าวสู่ยุคฟองสบู่แตก สมบูรณ์แทบสิ้นหวัง เขาแทบสิ้นเนื้อประดาตัว แต่เขาก็ผ่านจุดต่ำสุดนั้นมาได้...



วันนี้ สมบูรณ์ก้าวสู่ความสำเร็จนได้รับรางวัลบุคคลสู้ชีวิตแห่งปี และได้ขึ้นรับรางวัลอันทรงเกียรตินี้...


สมบูรณ์กล่าวว่า... เคล็ดลับที่ทำให้ผมผ่านอุปสรรคอันเลวร้ายต่าง ๆมาได้ ก็เพราะผมพกภาพถ่ายของภรรยาผมติดตัวไว้ตลอดเวลา..."



สิ้นเสียงกล่าวของสมบุรณ์...เสียงปรบมือกึกก้องไปทั่วห้องจัดเลี้ยงมอบรางวัล...

โดยเฉพาะบรรดาคุณหญิงคุณนายที่มาร่วมงานต่างพากันสะกิดสามีของตัวเอง พร้อมกับคำกระแหนะกระแหน ว่าทำไมไม่เอาตัวอย่งาสมบูรณ์บ้าง

เมื่องานเลี้ยงเลิกรา..สมบูรณ์กลับถึงบ้าน เขาควักรูปถ่ายของภรรยาออกมาดูอีก แล้วรำพึงรำพันกับภาพถ่ายว่า...

ทุกครั้งที่รู้สึกท้อแท้สิ้นหวัง....ก็มีภาพถ่ายของเธอนี่แหละ ที่ทำให้ได้ระลึกอยู่เสมอว่า...








ไม่มีอะไรจะแย่ไปกว่าตอนที่อยู่กับเธออีกแล้ว
    ;)




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« ตอบกลับ #109 เมื่อ: 24 สิงหาคม, 2005, 10:58:15 PM »


First In Heaven



Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. On this particular day, the teacher wanted to ask her class which part of the body went to heaven first.


One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think your mind goes to heaven first because you have to have a mind in order to believe in God."


The teacher praises the little girl as a little boy raises his hand. He says, "I think your heart goes to heaven first because God is all about love."


"Very good," said the teacher. The teacher looked up and saw Little Johnny's hand up.

 "Oh no," she thought, "I'm not gonna like this". "Little Johnny, which part of the body do you think goes to heaven first?".

 Little Johnny thinks for a minute and says, "Your feet." The teacher asked him why he thought your feet go to heaven first.




He replied,  Well, I was walking past my parents' bedroom last night and my mom had her feet up in the air and she said, 'Oh God, I'm coming!', but fortunately Dad was on top of her holding her down."



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« ตอบกลับ #110 เมื่อ: 24 สิงหาคม, 2005, 11:00:28 PM »

Little package


Miss Bea, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon, the pastor came to call on her, and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.


As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it, filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom!


When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.


"Miss Bea," he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.


"Oh, yes," she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago, and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet, and it would prevent the spread of disease."



"And you know... I haven't had a cold all winter."





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« ตอบกลับ #111 เมื่อ: 03 กันยายน, 2005, 08:56:07 AM »
from http://www.free-dirty-jokes.net/


False teeth


A dinner speaker was in such a hurry to get to his engagement that when he arrived and sat down at the head table, he suddenly realized that he had forgotten his false teeth.

Turning to the man next to him he said, "I forgot my teeth!"


The man said, "No problem." With that he reached into his pocket and pulled out a pair of false teeth. "Try these," he said.

The speaker tried them. "Thanks, but they're too loose," he said.



The man then said, "I have another pair...try these."

The speaker tried them and responded, "Too tight."



The man was not taken back at all. He then said, "I have one more pair... try them."

The speaker said, "They fit perfectly!" With that he ate his meal and gave his address.



After the dinner meeting was over, the speaker went over to thank the man who had helped him.

" I want to thank you for coming to my aid. Where is your office? I've been looking for a good dentist."






The man replied, " Oh I'm not a dentist. I work at the morgue.."

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« ตอบกลับ #112 เมื่อ: 03 กันยายน, 2005, 09:02:18 AM »


Serious headaches




A woman has had serious headaches for several years and has tried everything; been to several doctors and nothing has worked until one day she was having lunch with a friend who referred her to a hypnotist who, according to her friend "works wonders on anything."


The woman comes home from the hypnotist and tells her husband, "remember those headaches I have been having all of these years? Well, they are gone."

"No more headaches?!?"  the husband asks, "What happened?"

His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat 'I do not have a headache, I DO NOT have a headache. I DO NOT have a headache." Believe it or not, it worked! The headaches are all gone."

The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful."


His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last several years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"


The husband is unsure he wants to do that, but agrees to try it. Following his appointment with the hypnotist, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom.

He rips off her clothes, puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move. I'll be right back." He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps on the bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.


His wife says, "Boy that was wonderful!"

The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back". He goes back into the bathroom, comes back a few minutes later for round 2 with his wife--even better than the first time.



The wife sits up and her head is spinning. "This is really great!"

Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." With that he goes back in the bathroom.



This time his wife follows and sees him through the open crack in the door standing at the mirror and saying,



" She's not my wife. She's not my wife. She's NOT my wife ! "




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« ตอบกลับ #113 เมื่อ: 03 กันยายน, 2005, 09:09:41 AM »


His wisdom



Keep this in mind the next time you either hear or are about to repeat a rumor! In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was well known for his wisdom. One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who said excitedly,

"Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?"


Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before telling me anything I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test.

Triple filter?"


"That's right," Socrates continued, "Before you talk to me about my student, it might be a good idea to take a moment and filter what you're going to say..The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"

No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it and ..."


"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?"

"No, on the contrary ...".


"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him, but you're not certain it's true. You may still pass the test though, because there's one filter left: the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really."


"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither true nor good nor even useful, why tell it to me at all?"



This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.






It also explains why he never found out that Plato was banging his wife.



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« ตอบกลับ #114 เมื่อ: 03 กันยายน, 2005, 09:12:44 AM »


Conceiving a baby



A young, married couple has difficulties conceiving a baby, so after a while the wife consults her doctor, who recommends the minor of three possible operations.

The operation is performed, but a month later, she's still not pregnant, so she goes to see the doctor again. This time he recommends the medium operation, a somewhat more serious operation, but still not as complicated as the third alternative.



But, there's still no result and another month later she's back in the doctors office, and this time she gets the big one. After having recovered in some weeks, the couple resumes normal marital activities, and this time they actually succeed in conceiving a baby.


Filled with joy, the young wife now sees the doctor for the regular examination during pregnancy and says, "We're so happy doctor, we're finally having a baby. But what was this third operation all about? The first two weren't that bad, but this last one I think must have been quite a job, I was dizzy for weeks after."




"Well," the doctor replies, "since the first two standard operations failed, we started suspecting your method rather than your ability, so I made a connection from your throat to your uterus."



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« ตอบกลับ #115 เมื่อ: 03 กันยายน, 2005, 09:15:13 AM »

Homesick

A manufacturer's technician was in a small town in the Carolinas, repairing some new specialized machinery, when his trip was suddenly prolonged for an extra month due to some problems in completing the job.


He was already getting bored with the the town. It seemed as if they rolled up the streets and turned out the lights by ten o'clock and over the course of the extra month he was getting very homesick. Finally, he gave in to temptation and visited the local brothel on the outskirts of town..


He entered and handed the madam a hundred dollar bill and requested,

"Can ypu give me the worst performing , most lethargic, disinterested whore in the house.."



The madam says, " Well yes, but for this kind of money, you can have the best we have if you like."




"No, no," says our boy, "you don't understand, I'm not horny, I'm married and just homesick."




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« ตอบกลับ #116 เมื่อ: 04 กันยายน, 2005, 07:35:33 PM »


The mightiest weapon


Once in a medieval times...there was a King who was getting sort of bored after dinner one night. He decided to hold a contest of who at the court had the mightiest "weapon".


The first knight stood up and proclaimed that he had the mightiest weapon... he pulled down his pants and tied a 5 pound weight around it. The weapon doth rose.


The crowds cheered...the women swooned...the children waved multi-colored banners... and the band played appropriate music.



Another knight stood up and yelled that he had the mightiest weapon. He dropped his pants and tied a 10 pound weight to himself. The weapon doth rose.

The crowds cheered...the women swooned...the children waved multi-colored banners... and the band played appropriate music.


After several more knights tried to prove their superiority...the King finally spoke out. "I have the mightiest weapon of them all!"


 He dropped his pants and tied, not a 10 pound, not a 20 pound, not ever a thirty pound, but a 40 pound weight to himself. The weapon doth rose.



The crowds cheered...the women swooned...the children waved multi-colored banners...





and the band played " God Save the Queen."   ;)




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« ตอบกลับ #117 เมื่อ: 04 กันยายน, 2005, 07:49:12 PM »

Donkey's balls



A man and his wife are on vacation in Tibet. While shopping in a small village, the wife asks her husband what time it was, and looking down at his wrist the man realized he had left his watch in the motel room. After a few unsuccessful attempts to find an english speaking local, the couple finally finds an elderly man sitting quietly on the street with his donkey.


"Excuse me," the husband says, "could you tell us the time?"

"Absolutely", replies the elderly man, and with that he reaches down and lifts the donkey's balls. "It is 3:10", the man exclaims.


"Thank you" replies the wife in a surprised voice. And the couple continues on their way. After doing some shopping and grabbing a bite to eat. The couple return to the old man for the time.


Again the elderly man lifts the donkey's balls and says, "It is now 4:45."

By this time the husband is completely amazed. "Please show me how you can tell the time simply by lifting this donkey's balls!"



"Certainly," the elderly man replies motioning for the couple to come closer. "Sit here where I am," the man begins. "Now, do you see the donkey's balls?"

"Of course", the man replies.


"Now reach down and take them into your hand." Hesitantly the husband does as he is instructed, after all, this could prove to be an enlightening experience. "Now, slowly lift the donkey's balls", he continues. Again the husband does as he is instructed.

"Now look underneath the donkeys balls, and between his two front legs." The husband does just that.






"Now" the man says, "can you see the clock on the wall of that building over there?"



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« ตอบกลับ #118 เมื่อ: 04 กันยายน, 2005, 07:53:43 PM »

Monkey eats everything


A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking it the monkey jumps around all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them. Then he jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.


The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just swallowed the cue ball off my pool table whole!", says the bartender.


"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the bloke. "He eats everything in sight, the little bugger. I'll pay for the cue ball and other stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill and leaves.



Two weeks later he's in the bar again and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his arse, pulls it out, and eats it.


The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?", he asks.

"Now what?", responds the bloke. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his arse, then pulled it out and ate it!", says the barkeeper.



"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the bloke.





 "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!"



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« ตอบกลับ #119 เมื่อ: 04 กันยายน, 2005, 08:04:13 PM »


Not sweet


In a biology class, the professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen.


A young blonde raised her hand and asked, " If I understand, you're saying there is a lot of glucose, as in sugar, in male semen? "


"That's correct," responded the professor, going on to add statistical info.

Raising her hand again, the girl asked, " Then why doesn't it taste sweet? "



After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing, the poor girl's face turned bright red, and as she realized exactly what she had inadvertently said, she picked up her books without a word and walked out of class... and never returned.


However, as she was going out the door, the professor's reply was classic...



Totally straight-faced he answered her question,



  "  It doesn't taste sweet because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not the back of your throat."


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