HTG2.net (Since 1999)

ห้องสบายๆ... => มุม พักผ่อน (relax) => ข้อความที่เริ่มโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 14 มกราคม, 2005, 10:24:51 PM

หัวข้อ: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 14 มกราคม, 2005, 10:24:51 PM

http://archive.htg2.com/webboard2/view.php?No=5555


อุ อุ ..... อุตส่าห์ โพสต์ กระทู้ 5555  เรื่อยๆ มาตั้งแต่ เดือน ตุลา 45 ถึง สค 47 ..... พอขึ้น Board ใหม่ ก้อเลยโพสต์ต่อไม่ได้แล้ว ..... คงจะมาต่อท้ายที่กระทู้นี้แทนนะครับ ...... อิ อิ   :-[


http://archive.htg2.com/webboard2/view.php?No=5555
หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Too' Ninja ที่ 15 มกราคม, 2005, 11:46:21 AM
คุณ 715 ไม่ copy ทั้งยวง มาแปะไว้ที่นี่เลยอ่ะครับ จะได้ต่อของใหม่ไปด้วยเลยน่ะครับผม...
หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 15 มกราคม, 2005, 08:30:32 PM
ประเดิมด้วยเรื่องนี้ก้อแล้วกันนะครับ .... อิ อิ� :-[� �;)


Confession from Khun Too's secretary.  


She says "My boss is so sex-crazed. Everytime he comes into the office, I must do the LAPTOP position, and then the DESKTOP position, followed by the SPREADSHEET format. I must LOAD UP his SOFT DISK into a HARD DISK, so that he can INSERT in my C DRIVE and then the A DRIVE.

Then he'll ask me to EJECT his SOFTWARE outside my C DRIVE so that he is VIRUS FREE.

Then he changes his mind and decides to ENTER, ENTER, ENTER the whole day till he is in MICROSOFT stage. Once I tried to ESC (escape) but he caught me and SHIFTED me to his HOME where he started pressing BACKSPACE, and said 'TURNOVER"

Today, many a times he works without CAPSLOCK (without "cap" or "helmet" ) and sometimes as an ALTernative he CRASHES @ my SYSTEM until he looses his

CTRL (control) and again he LOGS IN....This process may continue until I SHUT DOWN his MAIN SYSTEM.





Real Cowboy


An old cowboy went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat there sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked him,

"Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life on the ranch, herding horses, mending fences, and branding cattle, so I guess I am."


She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, watch TV, everything seems to make me think of women."  



A little while later, a couple sat down next to the old cowboy and asked him,

"Are you a real cowboy?"




He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian."  







VIAGRA'S SIDE EFFECTS  

An elderly woman goes to the doctor and asks his help to revive her husband's sex drive.

"What about trying Viagra?" asks the doctor.

"Not a chance" says Mrs. Murphy. "He won't even take an aspirin for a headache."

"No problem," replies the doctor. "Drop it into his coffee, he won't even taste it. Try it and come back in a week to let me know how everything went."

A week later Mrs. Murphy returns to the doctor and he inquires as to how her love life has been.

"Oh it was terrible, just terrible doctor."

"What happened?" asks the doctor.

"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee. The effect was immediate. He jumped straight up, swept the cutlery off the table, at the same time ripping my clothes off and then proceeded to make passionate love to me on the tabletop. It was terrible."

"What was terrible?" said the doctor, "Was the sex not good?"



"Oh no doctor, the sex was the best I've had in 25 years, ......

......but I'll never be able to show my face in McDonald's again. "  


 
โดยคุณ Jokesmonster� เสาร์ที่ 26 ต.ค. 45 (11:30 น.)�





Gorilla on the Roof  

As he was quietly watching television at home, a chap hears a sound on the roof of his house and rushes out to investigate. Seeing it was a fair sized gorilla tearing the shingles off his home he promptly calls up the local zoo authorities to inform them one of their animals had escaped.

He is reassured that a gorilla recovery unit is on the way and is told to remain calm.

A few minutes later, an old beat up truck, displaying the Gorilla recovery unit logo on its panels, pulls up to the house.

The elderly driver proceed to recover from the back of the truck, a chihuaha dog, a pair of handcuffs, a ladder, a baseball bat and a 12 gauge shotgun.

Puzzled on how this lone elderly was to solve the problem of this gorilla who had by now torn half the roof apart, the chap ask him how he will go about doing this.

As he hands him over the .12 gauge shotgun, the zoo employee explains the plan:

- First I'll climb up there with the ladder;

- Then I approach the gorilla and knock him off the roof using the baseball bat;

- As soon as the gorilla hits the ground, the specially trained chihuaha dog will attack its private parts;

- When I get back on the ground, the gorilla will have lowered it's hands to it's groin area to protect itself thus making it easy for me to slip on the handcuffs;

- Then, I lead him to the truck, lock him up and take him back to the zoo...

Amazed at the procedure, the somewhat startled house owner, 'asks why he was handed the 12 gauge shotgun?

"Well... " explains the experienced gorilla retriever,

" It's just a precaution should thing not go exactly as planned.

In the unlikely event that once on the roof the gorilla knocks me off with the baseball bat -


Shoot the dog...



 
โดยคุณ Jokesmonster เสาร์ที่ 26 ต.ค. 45 (11:08 น.)






Substance: Woman

MATERIAL SAFETY DATA SHEET

Workplace Hazardous Materials Information System
----------------------------------------------------------------------

Substance: Woman

Manufacturer: God

Typical Size: Average weight 115 lbs.; specimens can vary from 90 to over 200 lbs.

Occurrence: Large quantities found in urban areas and shopping malls.


PHYSICAL PROPERTIES:
--------------------
1. Surface Tension--soft and warm.
2. Exposed surfaces usually cosmetically enhanced.
3. Boils at nothing.
4. Freezes without reason.
5. Melts with special reason.
6. Flavor initially sweet, becomes bitter if used incorrectly.
7. Found in various states of purity from virgin metal to common ore.
8. Yields to pressure applied to specific points.
9. Sometimes enlarges alarmingly with age.
10. Even brief linking with male substance can cause substance to reproduce with marked physical and mental changes.


CHEMICAL PROPERTIES:
-----------------------
1. Has affinity for gold, silver, and precious stones.
2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
3. Highly volatile for reasons not clearly understood.
4. Verbal activity greatly increased by alcohol saturation.
5. Most powerful money-reducing agent known (See HAZARDS, #3)

COMMON USES:
-----------------------
1. Highly ornamental.
2. Relatively brief exposure can be a great aid to relaxation.
3. Pleasurable companion until legally owned.

SUBSTANCE VERIFICATION:
-----------------------
1. Pure specimen turns bright pink when observed in natural state.
2. Turns green when compared to better specimen.

HAZZARDS:
-----------------------
1. May explode spontaneously without cause.
2. Illegal to possess more than one specimen at a time.
3. Avoid specimen contact with plastic credit cards: Normal

 
โดยคุณ Jokesmonster เสาร์ที่ 26 ต.ค. 45 (11:09 น.)�



หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 15 มกราคม, 2005, 08:32:12 PM

On the way, a car zoomed by and the tourist responded,

"Ohhh! TOYOTA!! Made in Japan!! Very fast!"


Not too long afterward, another car flew by the taxi.

"Ohh! NISSAN!! Made in Japan!! Very fast!"


Yet another car zipped by, and the tourist said,

"Ohh! Mitsubishi!! Made in Japan!! Very fast!"


The taxi driver, who was 100% American, was starting to get a little miffed that the Japanese made cars were passing his Chevy, when yet another car passed the taxi as they were turning into the airport.

"Ohh! Honda!! Made in Japan!! Very fast!"


The taxi driver stopped the car, pointed to the meter, and said, "That'll be $150."


"$150? It was so short a ride! Why so much?"



"Taxi meter. Made in Japan. Very fast."


 
โดยคุณ Jokesmonster  เสาร์ที่ 26 ต.ค. 45 (11:11 น.) 





The Rules of Bedroom Golf  


1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play.

2. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.

3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out.

4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.

5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to the hole.

6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that play is completed. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.

7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course with special attention to well formed bunkers.

8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played, or are currently playing, to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage players equipment for this reason.

9. Players are encouraged to bring proper rain gear for their own protection.

10. Players should ensure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing on what they considered to be a private course.

11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternative means of play when this is the case.

12. The course owners is responsible for manicuring and pruning any bush around the hole to allow for improved viewing of alignment with, and approach to the hole.

13. Players are advised to obtain the course owners permission before attempting to play the back nine.

14. Slow play is encouraged. However, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owners request.

15. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.
 
โดยคุณ Jokesmonster เสาร์ที่ 26 ต.ค. 45 (11:13 น.)



หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 15 มกราคม, 2005, 08:34:03 PM
AZORES MOUNTAIN OYSTERS


One day, an American was touring Spain. After his day's sightseeing, he stopped at a local restaurant. While sipping his wine, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.

He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"

The waiter replied, " Ah senior, you have excellent taste! Those are bull's balls from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"

The American, though momentarily daunted, when he learned the origin of the dish said, "What the hell, I'm on vacation! Bring me an order!"

The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senior. There is only one serving a day since there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to serve you this delicacy!"

The next morning, the American returned, placed his order and was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, He called to the waiter and said,

"These are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"

The waiter promptly replied,





"Si senior! Sometimes the bull wins!"  


 
โดยคุณ Jokesmonster เสาร์ที่ 26 ต.ค. 45 (11:15 น.)





Infant....  

Mark decided to propose to Juanita, but prior to her acceptance, Juanita had to confess to her man about her childhood illness.

She informed Mark that she suffered a disease that left her breasts at the maturity of a 12 year old.

He stated that it was OK because he loved her so much.

However, Mark felt this was also the time for him to open up and admit that he also had a deformity too.

Mark looked Juanita in the eyes and said,

"I too have a problem. My p*n*s is the same size as an infant and I hope you could deal with that once we are married."

She said "Yes, I would marry you and learn to live with your infant size p*n*s."


Juanita and Mark got married and they could not wait for the honeymoon. Mark whisked Juanita off to their hotel suite and they started touching, teasing, holding one another. .....

As Juanita put her hands in Mark's pants, she began to scream and ran out of the room.
Mark ran after her to find out what was wrong.


She stated to Mark

"You told me your p*n*s was the size of an infant!"


Mark said



"Yes it is... 8 pounds,7 ounces and 19 inches long!!"  



 
โดยคุณ Jokesmonster เสาร์ที่ 26 ต.ค. 45 (11:16 น.)
หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 15 มกราคม, 2005, 08:37:16 PM
Buying the Farm...  


A city slicker wanted to buy a farm. He found just what he was looking for. During an inspection of the property, however, he found a hive of bees.

He told the owner that he was deathly afraid of bees, and there was no way he could consider this piece of land.

The landowner assured him that the bees were completely harmless, but the buyer would have no part of it.

Finally, the landowner made an offer. The buyer would allow himself to be tied to a tree for an hour, nude, under the nest. So sure of the friendliness of his bees was the farmer that if ONE bee were to sting him, the farm would be his for free.

The buyer thought it over and decided it was worth the risk.

An hour later, the farmer walked out to the tree and saw the poor guy slumped over in his bindings. Fearing the worst, he ran up to him and asked if he had been stung.

The city fella looked up and weakly said,

"No... the bees never touched me - but doesn't that cลlf have a mother !?!"  

 
โดยคุณ Jokesmonster เสาร์ที่ 26 ต.ค. 45 (11:18 น.)�





There was this guy,Tom, who really loved his girlfriend. He loved her so much that he wanted to tattoo her name,"Wendy" on his d*ck.

So he went to his friend who specializes in tattooing. His friend then suggested doing the tattoo while his +++ is erected so that the name can be tattooed bigger and clearer. Tom agreed and went to erect his +++ and had "Wendy" tattooed on it. He was very satisfied, there was a "Wy" on his +++ when not erected and he dreamt of surprising his girlfriend by showing her the change from "Wy" to "Wendy" when he gets hard.

So he called her quickly and arranged a meeting that evening.

Before their date, he went to the toilet to piss and there he met this American with a "Wy" on his di*k too, when he was pissing at the urinal.

Thinking that this American might have tattooed his girlfriend's name too, Tom confronted him. The American denied, saying that it is not Tom's girlfriend's name.

Tom wouldn't accept verbal denial and suggested erecting both their +++s to compare. The American agreed and they both started arousing themselves. Tom was first to erect and was proud to show the American, saying,

" Look, this is my girlfriend's name, Wendy."

The American soon erected his +++ and showed to Tom and said,

" Look, it is not your girlfriend's name." It said,

" Welcome to America and have a nice day".

 
โดยคุณ Jokesmonster� เสาร์ที่ 26 ต.ค. 45 (11:20 น.)�

หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 15 มกราคม, 2005, 08:39:19 PM
An elderly couple is vacationing in Sun City West. Sam always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly. Upon arriving home, he walks into their room and says to his wife, "Notice anything different, Bessie?"

Bessie looks him over, "Nope."

Sam says excitedly, "Come on, Bessie, take a good look. Notice anything different about me?"

Bessie looks again, "Nope."

Frustrated, Sam storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for his cowboy boots. Again, he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different?"

Bessie looks up and says, "Sam, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."

Furious, Sam yells, "And do you know why its hanging down, Bessie? Iys hanging down because its looking at my new cowboy boots!!!"


To which Bessie replies, "Shoulda bought a hat, Sam. Shoulda bought a hat!"  

 

โดยคุณ Jokesmonster เสาร์ที่ 26 ต.ค. 45 (11:21 น.)









Let's Drink Beer...  


A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.

This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular culling of the weakest members.

In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast asthe slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.

In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.


That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers .... ! ! !

 
โดยคุณ Jokesmonster เสาร์ที่ 26 ต.ค. 45 (11:23 น.)�






หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 15 มกราคม, 2005, 08:42:07 PM
WHAT A PIG!  


A salesman is lost in a rural area and stops at a farm to get directions. As he is talking to the farmer he notices a pig with a wooden leg.

"How did the pig get a wooden leg?", he asks the farmer.

"Well," says the farmer, "that is a very special pig. One night not too long ago we had a fire start in the barn. Well, sir, that pig set up a great squealing that woke everyone, and by the time we got there he had herded all the other animals out of the barn and saved everyone of them."

"And that was when he hurt his leg?" asked the salesman.

"Oh no" says the farmer. "He was fine after that. Though a while later I was in the woods out back and a bear attacked me. Well, sir, that pig was near by and he came running and set on that bear and chased him off. Saved me for sure."

"So the bear injured his leg then." says the salesman.

"Oh no. He came away without a scratch from that. Though a few days later my tractor turned over in a ditch and I was knocked unconscious. Well, that pig dove into the ditch and pulled me out before I drown."

"So he hurt his leg then?" asks the salesman.

"Oh no," says the farmer.

"So how did he get the wooden leg?" the salesman asks.


"Well", the farmer tells him,

"A pig like that, you don't want to eat all at once."

 
โดยคุณ Jokesmonster� เสาร์ที่ 26 ต.ค. 45 (11:24 น.)�






Texan Cowboy  

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.

"Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse ?!?!?" ....he yelled with surprising forcefulness. No one answered.

"Alright, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!"

Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post.
He saddled up and started to ride out of town.

The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked,

"Say partner, before you go, what happened in Texas?"

The cowboy turned back and said,



"I had to walk home." �




โดยคุณ Jokesmonster� เสาร์ที่ 26 ต.ค. 45 (11:25 น.)�



หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 15 มกราคม, 2005, 08:45:19 PM

The Fence  


An elderly couple is enjoying an anniversary dinner together in a small tavern. The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this tavern where you leaned against the fence and I made love to you from behind?"

"Yes," she says, "I remember it well."

"OK," he says, "How about taking a stroll 'round there again and we can
do it for old time's sake."

"Oooooooh Henry, you devil, that sounds like a good idea," she answers.

There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this, and having a chuckle to himself.

He thinks, 'I've got to see this...two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so's there's no trouble.'

So he follows them. They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks. Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt, takes her knickers down and the old man drops his trousers. She turns around and as she hangs on to the fence, the old man moves in. Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman has ever seen. They are bucking and jumping like eighteen-year-olds. This goes on for about forty minutes! She's yellling, "Ohhhh, God!"

He's hanging on to her hips for dear life. This is the most athletic sex imaginable. Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life that he didn't know. He starts to think about his own aged parents and wonders whether they still have sex like this. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.


The policeman, still watching thinks, 'That was truly amazing, he was going like a train. I've got to ask him what his secret is.'


As the couple pass, he says to them, "That was something else, you must have been shagging for about forty minutes.How do you manage it? You must have had a fantastic life together. Is there some sort of secret?"

"No, there's no secret," the old man says,



"except that fifty years ago that damn fence wasn't electric."  

 
โดยคุณ Jokesmonster� เสาร์ที่ 26 ต.ค. 45 (11:27 น.)







Rattle Snake  

It was spring in the old west. The cowboys rode the still snow choked trails looking for cattle that survived the winter.

As one cowboy's horse went around the narrow trail, it came upon a rattlesnake warming itself in the spring sunshine. The horse reared and the cowboy drew his six-gun to shoot the snake.

"Hold on there, partner," said the snake, "don't shoot- I'm an enchanted rattlesnake, and if you don't shoot me, I'll give you any three wishes you want."

The cowboy decided to take a chance. He knew he was safely out of the snake's striking range. He said,

"OK, first, I'd like to have a face like Clark Gable, then, I'd like a build like Arnold Schwarzenegger, and finally, I'd like sexual equipment like this here horse I'm riding."

The rattlesnake said, "All right, when you get back to the bunk house you'll have all three wishes."

The cowboy turned his horse around and galloped at full speed all the way to the bunk house. He dismounted on the run and went straight inside to the mirror.

Staring back at him in the mirror was the face of Clark Gable.

He ripped the shirt off his back and revealed bulging, rippling muscles, just like Arnold Schwarzenegger. Really excited now, he tore down his jeans, looked at his crotch and shouted...


"Oh My God... I was riding the MARE! "  
 

โดยคุณ Jokesmonster� เสาร์ที่ 26 ต.ค. 45 (11:29 น.)�

หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 15 มกราคม, 2005, 08:50:24 PM

The Number 1 Actual Answering Machine Message Recorded and Verified by The World Famous International Institute of Answering Machine Messages.

.... Hello, you've reached Sam and Vickey. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Vickey likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right... real slowly.  

So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth, we'll call you back.....








A little boy went up to his father and asked:

'Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?''


The father replied: 'Well, son, you must have gotten it from your mother, 'cause I still have mine.''  







MILK MACHINE

 Lewis's cousin, the farmer, ordered a high-tech milking machine. Since the equipment arrived when his wife was out of town, he decided to test it on himself first.

So, he inserted his p*n*s into the equipment, turned the switch on and everything else was automatic.

Soon, he realized that the equipment provided him with as much pleasure as his wife did. When the fun was over, though, he quickly realized that he couldn't remove the instrument from his p*n*s.

He read the manual but didn't find any useful information. He tried every button on the instrument, but still without success. Finally, the farmer decided to call the supplier's Customer Service Hot Line.

"Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It works fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow's udder?"

"Don't worry," replied the customer service rep,



"The machine will release automatically once it's collected two gallons."  


 
โดยคุณ Jokesmonster [ เสาร์ที่ 26 ต.ค. 45 (11:34 น.)�



หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 15 มกราคม, 2005, 08:52:45 PM

In Egypt, there was an army camp located far away from the city. In this camp there were soldiers and a commander. Three months, they lived and there was no sign of women around the camp.

One day the commander got very horny and called one of his soldiers over.

He asks, "Hey soldier, what do you and your friends do when you get horny? I'm so sick and tired of masturbating".

"Oh, we use the camels that we have on our camp sir", the soldier replied.

"That is so disgusting, how can you do that to such an ugly and smelly animal, get out of here!" the commander shouts angrily.

However, when the fifth month rolled by and there was still no sign of any women, the commander could not resist his desire any longer.

He called in the same soldier and asks, "Hey soldier, where's the camel? Take me to it".

The soldier took him to the camel and the commander quickly strips off his pants and f***s the camel.

After he's done he asks the soldier with a big grin on his face,

"How was my performance, was it better than you and the other soldiers?"

"It was very good, sir." the soldier replied,



"Except, we usually ride the camel to the city to get some girl."


 
โดยคุณ Jokesmonster  เสาร์ที่ 26 ต.ค. 45 (11:36 น.) 




Three Honeymoons  


A mother had 3 daughters. They were all getting married within a short time period. Because mom was a bit worried about how their sex lives would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt.

The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but ........"Nescafe."

Mom was puzzled at first, but then went to the kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar. It said: .........."Good till the last drop."

Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.

The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the card read: .........."Benson & Hedges."

Mom now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes, and she read from the Benson & Hedges pack:.......... "Extra Long. King Size."

She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.

The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. Mom waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by, and still nothing. Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived. Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words: .........."British Airways."

Mom took out her latest Harper's Bazaar magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for the airline. The ad said:



"Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways." ........  

 
โดยคุณ Jokesmonster  เสาร์ที่ 26 ต.ค. 45 (11:37 น.) 

หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 15 มกราคม, 2005, 08:54:41 PM


THE RODEO POSITION  


Two cowboys are talking over a beer, discussing various sex positions.

The first cowboy says his favorite position is the "rodeo."

The other cowboy asks what the position is, and how to do it?

The first cowboy says, "You tell your wife to get on the bed on all fours and then do it doggy style. Once things start to get under way and she's
really enjoying it, lean forward, grab her by her hair and whisper in herear,

'Your sister likes this position too.'

Then try to hang on for 8 seconds."


 
โดยคุณ Jokesmonster  เสาร์ที่ 26 ต.ค. 45 (11:38 น.) 






INDIAN EARS  

Two cowboys come upon an Indian lying on his stomach with his ear to the ground. One of the cowboys stops and says to the other, "You see that Indian?"

"Yeah," says the other cowboy.

"Look," says the first one, "he's listening to the ground.

He can hear things for miles in any direction."

Just then the Indian looks up. "Covered wagon," he says, "about two miles away. Have two horses, one brown, one white. Man, woman, child, household effects in wagon."

"Incredible!" says the cowboy to his friend. "This Indian knows how far away they are, how many horses, what color they are, who is in the wagon, and what is in the wagon. Amazing!"

The Indian looks up and says,



"Ran over me about a half hour ago."  

 
โดยคุณ Jokesmonster  เสาร์ที่ 26 ต.ค. 45 (11:39 น.) 
หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 15 มกราคม, 2005, 08:56:26 PM


It's October, and an Indian chief thinks it's going to be a cold winter. So he instructs his tribe to collect wood.

To double check his prediction, the chief calls the National Weather Service and asks a meteorologist if the winter is going to be a cold one.

The man responds, "According to our indicators, we think it might."

So the chief tells his people to find extra wood, just in case. A week later he calls the National Weather Service again, and they confirm that a harsh winter is headed their way.

The chief orders all his people to scavenge every scrap of wood they can.

Two weeks later he calls the National Weather Service again and asks,

"Are you absolutely sure this winter is going to be very cold?"

"Absolutely," the man replies.


"The Indians are collecting wood like crazy."  





Hoya Toya  

A man was on his first business trip to Japan, and he decided to check out the local Whore House. He walked in and was assigned a young girl with a body that got him "up" immediately. As soon as they reached the room, he started ripping her clothes off and going to town.

Moaning and grunting, the girl was screaming in Japanese, "Hoya Toya !.... Hoya Toya ! "

He was sure that she was praising him for his good job, so he kept going harder than ever.

Later, he went golfing with his boss and a few clients.

As the clients were Japanese, he decided to impress them with his new knowledge of their language. When one of them got a hole in one, he raised his arms and shouted " Hoya Toya ! ".

All of the men looked at him quizzically, and one of them asked,


"Why are you shouting ....'wrong hole' ...? "  



หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 15 มกราคม, 2005, 08:58:54 PM

How They " Do It " ?

Accountants do it with Double Entry

Acupuncturists do it with a small prick

Ambulance drivers come quicker

Australians do it Down Under

Bach did it using the organ

Bankers do it with interest

Bartenders do it on the Rocks

Batman does it using his Robin

Bookkeepers do it for the record

Bosses delegate the task to others

Chess players check their Mates

Cops do it with cuffs

DJs do it on request

Deep-sea divers do it under extreme pressure
Dentists do it orally

Detectives do it under cover

Don't do it with Bankers, most of them are Tellers

Elevator men do it up and down

Engineers do it to specifications

Engineers do it to a first order approximation

Firemen do it with a big hose

Frank Sinatra does it his way

Garbagemen come twice a week

Gardeners do it on the bushes

Gas attendants Pump all day

Golfers do it in 18 holes

Landlords do it every 1st of the month

Managers make others do it

Marketing reps do it on commission

Pizza delivery man comes in 30 minutes or it's free

Teachers do it with class

Waiters and waitresses do it for tips

Zoologists do it with animals







Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.

"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?" says Holmes.

Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you Holmes?"

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke.

"Watson, you idiot. Some one has stolen our tent."

หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 15 มกราคม, 2005, 09:00:37 PM

Noah's ARK  


When the ark's door was closed Noah called a meeting with all the animals.

"Listen up!" Noah said with a demanding voice.

"There will be NO sex on this trip. All of you males take off your penis and hand it in to my sons. I will sit over there and write you a receipt. After we see land, you can get your penis back."

After about a week Mr. Rabbit stormed into his wife's cage and was very excited.

"Quick!" he said, "Get on my shoulders and look out the window to see if there is any land out there!"

Mrs. Rabbit got onto his shoulders, looked out the window, and said, "Sorry, no land yet."

"Damn!", exclaimed Mr. Rabbit.

This went on every day until Mrs. Rabbit got fed up with him. Mrs. Rabbit asked,

"What is the matter with you ? You know it will rain for forty days and nights. Only after the water has drained will we be able to see land. Why are you acting so excited every day?"

"Look!" said Mr. Rabbit with a sly expression, as he held out a piece of paper,


"I GOT THE HORSE'S RECEIPT!"  





Dirty Old Guy...  

A woman decided to have a face lift for her birthday. She spent $5000 and felt really good about the results. On her way home she stopped at a dress shop to look around. As she was leaving, she said to the sales clerk,

"I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 35," was the reply.

"I'm actually 47," the woman said, feeling really happy.

After that she went into McDonalds for lunch and asked the order taker the same question. He replied,

"Oh, you look about 29."

"I am actually 47!" she said, feeling really good.

While standing at the bus stop she asked an old man the same question. He replied,

"I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a woman's age. If I put my hand up your skirt I will be able to tell your exact age."

There was no one around, so the woman said, "What the hell?" and let him slip his hand up her skirt.

After feeling around for a while, the old man said, "OK, You are 47."

Stunned, the woman said,

"That was brilliant! How did you do that?"



The old man replied,

"I was behind you in line at McDonalds."  


หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 15 มกราคม, 2005, 09:02:37 PM

Tennis Elbow  


Bob complained to his friend

"My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor."

His friend offered, "Don't do that!!! There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything, quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10.00."

Bob figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The computer started making some noises and the various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed:

You have tennis elbow

Soak your arm in warm water.

Avoid heavy labor

It will be better in two weeks.

Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The machine again made the usual noise and printed out the following analysis:

Your tap water is too hard

Get a water softener.

Your dog has worms

Give him vitamins.

Your daughter's on drugs,

Put her in rehab.

Your wife's pregnant

It ain't yours---get a lawyer.

And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better.


 


Military Retirement  

The Pentagon recently found it had too many generals and offered an early retirement bonus. They promised any general who retired straight away his full annual benefits plus $10,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two parts of the general's body, with the general getting to select any pair of points he wished.

The first man, an Air Force general, accepted. He asked the pension man to measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. Six feet. He walked out with a check of $720,000.

The second man, an Army general, asked them to measure from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. Eight feet. He walked out with a check for $960,000.

When the third general, a grizzled old Marine, was asked where to measure, he told the pension man ...

"From the tip of my p*n*s to the bottom of my testicles."

The pension man suggested that perhaps the Marine general might like to reconsider, pointing out the nice checks the previous two generals had received. The Marine insisted and the pension expert said that would be fine, but that he'd better get the medical officer to do the measuring.

The medical officer attended and asked the general to drop the pants. He did. The medical officer placed the tape on the tip of the general's p*nis and began to work back.

"My God!" he said. "Where are your testicles?"




The general replied, ........ "In Vietnam."  


 
 
หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 15 มกราคม, 2005, 09:03:58 PM


Two Deaf People
 

Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can't see each other using sign language. After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution.

"Honey," she signs,

"Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time."


The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife,

"Great idea, Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my p*n*s one time.



If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my p*n*s 50 times."



 




A fireman came from work one day and told his wife, You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station. Bell 1 rings and we all put on our jackets. Bell 2 rings and we all slide down the pole. Bell 3 rings and we're ready to go on the trucks.

From now on, he said, we're going to run this house the same way. When I say Bell 1, I want you to strip naked. When I say Bell 2, I want you to jump into bed. When I say Bell 3, we're going to screw all night.

The next night the fireman came home from work and yelled, Bell 1! and his wife took off her clothes.
Bell 2, and his wife jumped into bed. Bell 3, and they began to screw.

After two minutes his wife yelled, Bell 4!

What's this Bell 4? the husband asks.

"More hose," she replied," you're nowhere near the fire! "
 
 
หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 15 มกราคม, 2005, 09:05:19 PM


GM VS Microsoft  


หลังจากที่ในงาน COMDEX ครั้งที่ผ่านมามีรายงานว่า Bill Gate ได้กล่าวเชิงเปรียบเทียบอุตสาหกรรมคอมพิวเตอร์กับอุตสาหกรรมรถยนต์ว่า

"ถ้า GM พยายามที่จะพัฒนารถยนต์ของตนตามให้ทันกับเทคโนโลยีที่เปลี่ยนแปลงทุกวัน เหมือนกับที่ Microsoft ทำมาตลอด ป่านนี้เราอาจจะสามารถซื้อรถยนต์ที่มีราคาเพียงแค่ 25 เหรียญสหรัฐฯและสามารถวิ่งได้ไกลถึง 1,000ไมล์โดยกินน้ำมันแค่ 1 แกลลอน ออกมาขับกันแล้วก็ได้"

หลังจากนั้นไม่นานทางผู้บริหาร GM บริษัทผู้ผลิตรถยนต์รายใหญ่ก็ออกมาแถลงข่าวว่า

"ถ้าเราทำการพัฒนาเทคโนโลยีของเราให้เหมือนกับแบบที่ Microsoft ทำมาตลอดทางกลุ่มผู้ผลิตรถยนต์ได้คาดการณ์ว่า

1. รถยนต์อาจจะเสียอย่างไม่มีสาเหตุวันละอย่างน้อย 2 ครั้ง

2. ทุกๆครั้งที่มีการทาสีถนนหรือซ่อมถนนใหม่ ผู้ใช้จะต้องซื้อรถคันใหม่ด้วย

3. บางครั้งที่รถเสียขณะวิ่งอยู่บนไฮเวย์ ผู้ขับก็อาจจะต้องรีสตาร์ทเครื่องใหม่

4. บางครั้งผู้ขับเพียงแค่เลี้ยวขวา รถยนต์ก็จะดับแล้วไม่ยอมทำการสตาร์ทเครื่องใหม่ จนกว่าจะทำการติดตั้งเครื่องยนต์ใหม่อีกครั้ง

5. Macintosh จะสามารถผลิตรถยนต์พลังงานแสงอาทิตย์ ที่มีความเร็วสูงกว่าของ GM ถึง 5 เท่าและยังขับง่ายกว่า และ เข้าอู่น้อยกว่าอีกด้วย

6.ในบางครั้งรถยนต์อาจไม่ยอมเปิดล๊อคประตูจนกว่าผู้ใช้จะทำการกดปุ่มเปิดประตู +บิดสวิทช์กุญแจ +จับเสาอากาศวิทยุ พร้อมๆกัน

7. GM อาจจะบังคับผู้ใช้รถยนต์ให้ซื้อ แผนที่ถนนของ Rand McNally ด้วยไม่ว่าผู้ใช้จะต้องการหรือไม่ก็ตาม และถ้าผู้ใช้นำแผนที่ออกไปจากรถอาจจะทำให้รถยนต์วิ่งช้าลงถึง 50 เปอร์เซ็นต์ซึ่งอาจจะทำให้ GM ต้องไปขึ้นศาลคดีผูกขาดทางการค้า

8. ทุกครั้งที่ GM เปิดตัวรถยนต์รุ่นใหม่ผู้ใช้จะต้องทำการหัดขับรถใหม่ทุกครั้ง

9. เราอาจจะต้องกดปุ่มสตาร์ทเพื่อทำการดับเครื่อง
 





PANTY RAID!  

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday, and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note: romantic, but not too personal.

Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Nordstrom and bought a pair of white gloves.

The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note:

"I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears short ones that are easier to remove.

These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart.

I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again.

When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing.

Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night. All my love.

P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing."
 
 
หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 15 มกราคม, 2005, 09:06:39 PM


One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says:

"I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."

The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear:

"Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

 



A small guy goes into an elevator, when he gets in he notices a huge dude standing next to him. The big dude looks down upon the small guy and says:

"7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch +++, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, Turner Brown"

The small guy faints! The big dude picks up the small guy, brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him, and asks the small guy.

"What's wrong?"

The small guy says, "Excuse me but what did you say?"

The big dude looks down and says

"7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch +++, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, my name is Turner Brown."

The small guy says,



"Thank god, I thought you said 'Turn around.'"

 
โดยคุณ Jokesmonster  เสาร์ที่ 26 ต.ค. 45 (12:31 น.
 
หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 15 มกราคม, 2005, 09:09:56 PM


Scenes from a Sex Shop  

A little old lady with blue hair entered the sex shop and asked in a quivering voice,

"Yy-young man, dd-do y-you sell-dildos h-here?"

The salesman, somewhat taken aback by the little old lady's appearance in his shop, answered

"Uh, yes, ma'am. We do."

The little old lady, holding her quivering hands about 10 inches apart asked,

"D-do y-you ha-aave any ab-bb-bout th-this l-long?"

"Well, yes ma'am, we do. We have several that size. "

Forming a 5" circle with her fingers, she then asked,

"A-arean-nny ofth-them about thi-is b-big ar-round-d?"

"Well... Yes, a few of them are about that big."

"D-do aa-ny of th-them ha-ave a vv-ii-bra-a-ator?"

"Yes, Ma`am, one of them does."


"W -Wel-ll, h-how d-do y-you t-turn it off ?"  
 





A TEAM EFFORT  

An 85-year-old man went to his doctor's office to get a checkup and the doctor determined a semen sample was required.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said,

"Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow. "

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained

"Well, doc, it's like this, first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help.

She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing.

We even called up Earleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried squeezing it between her knees, but still nothing."

The doctor was shocked!

"You asked your neighbor?"

The old man replied,



"Yep, but no matter what we tried we still couldn't get the damn jar open."  

 
โดยคุณ Jokesmonster  เสาร์ที่ 26 ต.ค. 45 (12:38 น.) 


 
หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 15 มกราคม, 2005, 09:11:48 PM
This one from Khun Cantona....



Monica's Diary  


November 6,

Dear diary... last night I slept with Bill Clinton. Wow, it was so amazing!

Now I understand why people call him as the most powerful man in the world. Next week I have a date with Fidel Castro.

Wish me luck..!


November 14,

Dear diary, he was so charming and gentle. His beard touched me everywhere. He touched me with the way I have never been touched before.

He calls that a revolutionary way. Now I understand why Cuban cigar is so famous in the world. It satisfies me too. I want a date with Michael Jackson five days from now. I want a dream about him now ,


November 20,

Dear diary....it was really a wonderful night!. No
wonder he named his famous album Thriller .! He was so beat .

Diary, I have a plan to conquer Bill Gates, the richest man in the world. It must be next month.


December 12,



Damn him, diary ! ...... Now I understand why he named his company ..... MicroSoft .... !


 



 
� - This one from Khun Cantona....


มีชายหนุ่มไปนั่งทานอาหารในภัตตาคารหรู หลังจากนั่งได้ซักครู่เค้าชำเลืองไปเห็น บ๋อยที่มาเสริฟ มีช้อนพกอยู่ในกระเป๋าเสื้อ อีกซักพัก บ๋อยอีกคนเดินผ่านมา ยังคงมีช้อนอยู่ในกระเป๋าเสื้อเช่นกัน พอพนักงานเสิร์ฟอาหารเริ่มนำอาหารมาเสริฟที่โต๊ะเค้ายังคงสังเกตุเห็นอีกว่า หมอนี่ ก็มีช้อนในพกอยู่กระเป๋า อีกนั่นแหละอดรนทนต่อไปไม่ไหว เค้าเลยกระซิบถาม

" น้องๆ ทำไมพนักงานที่นี่ต้องพกช้อนติดตัวกันทุกคนล่ะหือ "

บ๋อยหนุ่มยิ้ม อย่างภาคภูมิใจ

" คืองี้ครับเมื่อหลายเดือนก่อน .....ผู้จัดการเราได้จ้างบริษัทที่ปรึกษามาวิจัยการทำงานและบริการของเรา แล้วพบว่า ลูกค้าของเราจะทำช้อนตกมากกว่า ของอื่น 75% ซึ่งนั่นหมายถึง การทำช้อนตกประมาณ สามครั้ง ต่อชม ต่อโต๊ะ ดังนั้นถ้าให้พนักงานเราเตรียมช้อนติดตัวไว้ตลอดเวลา จะลดเวลาที่จะต้องเดินกลับเข้าครัวไปเอาช้อนใหม่ได้ ซึ่งจะช่วยลด คนงานได้ 2 คน/เวร ครับ "

พอขาดคำบ๋อย ปรากฏว่ามีเสียงโลหะตกกระทบพื้น ที่โต๊ะถัดไป บ๋อยหนุ่มปราดเข้าไปยื่นช้อนในกระเป๋าให้ กับแขกโต๊ะนั้นทันที แล้วหันมายิ้มให้ชายหนุ่ม พร้อมกับอธิบายต่อ

" พอเวลาผมกลับเข้าครัวผมก็จะเปลี่ยนเอาช้อนอันใหม่มาเตรียมไว้ แทนที่จะต้องย้อนกลับไปเอามาตอนนี้ เห็นมั้ยครับ "

" อืมมม เข้าท่าแฮะ" ชายหนุ่มพยักหน้าแบบพึงใจ ในระบบการบริหารที่ยอดเยี่ยม แต่อดซักต่อไม่ได้

" อืมม แล้ว ด้าย เส้นเล็กๆที่พ้นขอบเอวกางเกง นี่ ล่ะมีไว้ทำไมล่ะหือ เห็นทุกคนก็มีนี่ "

คราวนี้บ๋อยหนุ่มค่อยๆก้มตัวใกล้แล้วกระซิบเบาๆ

" แหม อันนี้ไม่ค่อยมีใครสังเกตุเห็นนะครับ ท่านเห็นได้ไงเนี่ย อันนี้เราเอาผูกไว้กับเจ้าหนูของเราน่ะครับ เวลาเข้าห้องน้ำ เราสามารถดึงเชือก เส้นนี้ ทำให้ดึงเจ้าหนูออกมาฉี่ลงโถได้ โดยไม่ต้องจับซึ่งทำให้ประหยัดเวลาในการล้างมือ เพราะว่าจากการวิจัย จะพบว่าถ้าไม่ต้องเสียเวลาล้างมือ จะช่วยประหยัดเวลาในการเข้าห้องน้ำ ลงได้ 70% ซึ่งเท่ากับลดคนงานได้อีก 1 คน/เวร "

" โอเค มีเหตุผลดี ว่าแต่ตอนดึงออกมา นี่ไม่ต้องใช้มือจับได้ล่ะ
แล้วตอนเก็บเจ้า หนูเข้าที่ล่ะ ทำไง ล่ะ "

พระเอกเราซักต่อ

บ๋อยหนุ่ม ยิ้ม แล้วกระซิบเบาๆ

" คนอื่นไม่รู้เค้าทำกันยังไง แต่สำหรับผม... ใช้ช้อน ตักเข้า ครับ "
 
 
หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 15 มกราคม, 2005, 09:13:08 PM

THE TWELVE PACK  

A man and his young son are in the drugstore when the son sees the shelf of condoms and asks his father what they are. The dad replies,

"Well son, those are condoms and they're for protection when you're having sex."

The son then picks up one of the packs and asks why it has three in it. The dad replies,

"Those are for college guys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."

The son then picks up one with six condoms and asks, "Why six?"

The dad replies,

"Well son, those are for single adults. Two for Friday, two for Saturday and two for Sunday."

The son then notices the 12 pack of condoms and asks the same question.

The dad replies,

"Son, those are for married men.


One for January, one for February, one for March...."


 



GOOD TORTURE  

Three men were walking aimlessly in the desert. They came upon a castle, dying of thirst they decided to go into the castle. Inside they found no men, just dozens of beautiful women. The three men decided to stay. For a week they enjoyed themselves having sex many times a day with the many beautiful women.

After a week, the king of the castle and his army of men came back. As he walks into his castle he finds the three men with his women. Upset the king orders his army to capture the three men and line them up against the wall. Then the king says that each of them would be severely punished according to their occupation.

The king goes up to the first man and demands to know his occupation.

The first man replies, "Fireman."
The king tells his army, "Burn off his pen*s."

Then he walks over to the second man and asks his occupation.

Hesitating the man says, "I...I...I...I'm a police officer."
The king orders, "Shoot off his p*n*s."

Then finally the King asks the third man his occupation.

With a huge smile on his face the man replies, ...... " Lollipop salesman."
 
 
หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 15 มกราคม, 2005, 09:14:11 PM
WISE ROOSTER  

A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. So, the new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says,

"OK, old guy, time to retire."

The old rooster replies, "Come on, you can't handle ALL these hens, look what it's done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?"

The young rooster says, "Scram! Beat it! You're washed up and I'm taking over."

The old rooster says, "I'll tell you what, young stud, I'll race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop."

The young rooster laughs, "You know you don't stand a chance old man, so just to be fair, I'll give you a head start."

So, they get a hen to cluck "Go!" .....and the old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off after him.

They round the front of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He's already about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast.

The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. He grabs up his shotgun and BOOM!, he blows the young rooster to bits.

The farmer sadly shakes his head,

"Darn it, third gay rooster I bought this month."

 




Sexercise
 

It has been known for many years that Sex was good exercise, but until now nobody had made a scientific study of the caloric content of different sexual activities. Now after "original and proprietary" research they are proud to present, to the LOV group, the results.

REMOVING HER CLOTHES:
With her consent....................... 12 Calories
Without her consent.................... 187 Calories


OPENING HER BRA:
With both hands........................ 8 Calories
With one hand.......................... 12 Calories
With your teeth........................ 85 Calories


PUTTING ON A PRESERVATIVE:
With an erection....................... 6 Calories
Without an erection.................... 315 Calories


PRELIMINARIES:
Trying to find the clitoris............ 8 Calories
Trying to find the G-Spot.............. 92 Calories

POSITIONS:
Missionary............................. 12 Calories
69 lying down.......................... 78 Calories
69 standing up......................... 112 Calories
Wheelbarrow............................ 216 Calories
Doggy Style............................ 326 Calories
Italian chandelier..................... 912 Calories

ORGASMING:
Real................................... 112 Calories
False.................................. 315 Calories

POST ORGASM:
Lying in bed hugging................... 18 Calories
Getting up immediately................. 36 Calories
Explaining why you got out of bed immediately......816 Calories

GETTING A SECOND ERECTION: If you are:
20-29 years old........................ 36 Calories
30-39 years............................ 80 Calories
40-49 years............................ 124 Calories
50-59 years............................ 972 Calories
60-69 years............................ 2916 Calories
70 and over............................ Results are still pending

DRESSING UP AFTERWARDS:
Calmly................................. 32 Calories
In a hurry............................. 98 Calories
With her father knocking at the door... 1218 Calories
With your wife knocking at the door.... 3521 Calories

 
 
หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 15 มกราคม, 2005, 09:15:28 PM


A GOOD EXCUSE
 

The teacher had given the class an assignment. She stresses the importance of this particular assignment, and that no excuses will be accepted except illness or a death in the immediate family.

A wise student pipes up:

"What about extreme sexual exhaustion, sir?"

The class breaks up laughing, and when they settle down the teacher responds with:

"Well, I guess you'll have to learn to write with your other hand."

 




SCHOOL PRIDE  

A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red "H" on her chest.

"How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor.

"Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.


A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue "Y" on her chest.

"How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor.

"Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.


A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green "M" on her chest.

"Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor.


"No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin. Why do you ask?"
 
 
หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 15 มกราคม, 2005, 09:16:49 PM

STUPID GOLF TRICKS  

Chalor and his friend meet at the club house and decide to play a round of golf together.

Chalor has a little dog with him and on the first green, when he holes out a 20 foot putt, the little dog starts to yip and stands up on its hind legs.

The friend is quite amazed at this clever trick and says,

" That dog is really talented! What does he do if you miss a putt ? "

" Somersaults, " says Chalor.

" Somersaults ? ! " says the friend, " That's incredible. How many does he do ? "

"Hmmm," says Chalor.

" That depends on how hard I kick him in the ass."
 




 
- This one from Khun KOB .. Friend of Intania 61


Nine Important Men in Women's Life  

1. THE DOCTOR: because he says, "Take your clothes off."

2. THE DENTIST: because he says, "Open wide."

3. THE HAIRDRESSER: because he says,"Do you want it teased or blown?"

4. THE MILKMAN: because he says, "Do you want it in the front or the back?"

5. THE INTERIOR DECORATOR: because he says, "Once it's in, you'll love it!"

6. THE STOCK BROKER: because he says, "It will rise right up, fluctuate for a
while, and then slowly fall back again."

7. THE BANKER: because he says, "If you take it outtoo soon, you'll lose
interest.

8. THE HUNTER: because he goes deep in the bush, shoots twice, and always eats
what he shoots.

9. THE TELEPHONE GUY: because he says, "Would you like it on the table or up
against the wall?
 
 
หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 15 มกราคม, 2005, 09:18:06 PM


Subject: A Letter From The P*n*s (MUST READ!)

I, the p*n*s, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

I do physical labor.

I work at great depths.

I plunge head first into everything I do.

I do not get weekends off or public holidays.

I work in a damp environment.

I don't get paid overtime.

I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.

I work in high temperatures.

My work exposes me to contagious disease.

Thank you for considering my request.

The P*n*s .... :-)))





In Response:

Dear Mr. P*n*s,

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

You do not work 8 hours straight.

You fall asleep on the job after brief work periods.

You do not always follow the orders of the management team.

You do not stay in your allocated position, and often visit other areas.

You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.

You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.

You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective gear.

It's doubtful you'll work until the normal retirement age of 65.

You're unable to work double shifts.

You sometimes leave your allocated position before you have completed the day's work.

And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and leaving the workplace carrying 2 suspicious looking bags.

Sincerely,
The Management

 


 
From HTG2.com .... http://www.htg2.com/cgi-bin/webboard/view.cgi?board=board_1 issue 5327 by Khun PDN


ผมรู้แล้ว .....

วันหนึ่งเด็กชายชาร์ล ชาวอเมริกันวัย 10 ขวบถามคุณแม่ด้วยความอยากรู้

" แม่ครับ แม่อายุเท่าไรแล้วครับ "

" ผู้หญิงเขาไม่บอกอายุกันหรอกลูก "

" งั้นแม่หนักเท่าไรครับ "

" ผู้หญิงเขาก็ไม่เปิดเผยเรื่องน้ำหนักตัวด้วยจ๊ะ "

" แล้วทำไมแม่หย่ากับพ่อหละครับ "

แม่คิดอยู่ครู่หนึ่ง ไม่รู้จะตอบยังไง พอดีเพื่อนของหนูน้อยมา ชาร์ลจึงเล่าให้ฟัง เพื่อนเลยแนะนำให้เขาไปเปิดดูจากใบขับขี่ หลังเปิดดู ชาร์ลวิ่งมาด้วยความดีใจ

" แม่ครับ ผมรู้แล้วว่าแม่อายุเท่าไร แม่อายุ 39 ปี หนัก 130 ปอนด์ "

" เก่งจัง ลูกรู้ได้ยังไงจ๊ะ "

" แล้วผมก็รู้ด้วยว่าพ่อหย่าแม่ทำไม "

" ทำไมหรือจ๊ะ "

" ก็เพราะ SEX แม่ได้ F ไงครับ "

" ผมเห็นในใบขับขี่ "

 
 
หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 15 มกราคม, 2005, 09:19:38 PM


จาก HTG2 Web Board .... http://www.htg2.com/cgi-bin/webboard/view.cgi?board=board_1 กระทู้ 5292 โดยคุณ T-LeX ครับ


นิทานข้าวมันไก่  

กาลครั้งหนึ่งไม่นานมานี้ ณ ประเทศที่มีรอยยิ้มมากที่สุดในโลกที่สาม มีศาลาว่าการจังหวัดแห่งหนึ่งซึ่งประชาชนมาติดต่อราชการกันมากมาย บรรดาพ่อค้าทั้งหลายต่างพากันยื้อแย่งแข่งขันเพื่อสัมปทานขายอาหารที่นี่

และ ... เนื่องจากเรื่องนี้เป็นนิทาน ทางจังหวัดจึงอยากให้การชิงสัมปทานเป็นไปด้วยความยุติธรรม ดังนั้นงานประจำปีจึงถูกจัดขึ้นเพื่อให้ร้านค้ามาขายประชันกัน

น่าแปลกใจที่นับแต่อดีต ร้านที่มาแข่งขันต่างก็ขายแต่ " ข้าวมันไก่ " ซึ่งทางจังหวัดไม่สามารถแก้ไขได้แม้จะใช้มาตการต่าง ๆ เช่น ตั้งกองทุน SME ข้าวหมูแดง หรือจัดสัปดาห์ข้าวหน้าเป็ด ถึงกระนั้นบรรดาพ่อค้าก็ยังคงยืนยันจะขายข้าวมันไก่อยู่นั่นเอง

แล้วงานประจำปีก็มาถึง แต่ละร้านเตรียมตัวกันอย่างเต็มที่ ไม่ว่าจะเป็น

ร้าน " ความหวังไก่ " ที่มีพ่อค้าเป็นทหารเก่า

ร้าน " รสชาติพัฒนา " ที่มีเจ้าของร้านสองคน

ร้าน " ชาติไก่ " ของพ่อค้าร่างสั้น ณ เมืองสุพรรณ

และร้านตัวเต็งสองร้านคือ " ประชาไก่น่ากัด " ของอดีตครูประชาบาลลูกชาวบ้าน

กับอีกหนึ่งร้านใหม่ " ไก่รักไก่ (มหาชน) "

ไหน ๆ ก็ไม่มีทางเปลี่ยนพ่อค้าเหล่านี้ให้ขายอาหารประเภทอื่นได้แล้ว ทางจังหวัดจึงอยากยกระดับข้าวมันไก่ให้กลายเป็นของขึ้นหน้าขึ้นตาของจังหวัด พร้อมตั้ง " คณะกรรมการไก่ตอน " หรือ กกต. ขึ้นเพื่อควบคุมการแข่งขัน และตรวจสอบคุณภาพไก่

แต่แม้ว่า กกต. จะทำงานอย่างจริงจัง คุณภาพของไก่ก็ยังแกว่ง บางครั้งมีการนำไก่ไม่ดีมาแขวนไว้เตรียมขาย กกต. ก็ต้องสอยไก่ที่แขวนไว้ในร้านไปเก็บ แต่ถ้าเผลอ ทางร้านก็จะเอามาแขวนใหม่ ทำให้ต้องแขวน และสอยกันหลายรอบ

ร้าน " ประชาไก่น่ากัด " เป็นเจ้าของสัมปทานเก่าที่เข้ามารับสัมปทาน ขณะเกิดวิกฤตศรัทธาข้าวมันไก่อย่างหนัก ซึ่งว่ากันว่าวิกฤตนี้ต้นเหตุน่าจะมาจากร้าน " ความหวังไก่ "
ที่ติดราคาไว้ 27 บาท แต่พอเรียกเก็บเงิน เจ้าของร้านจะบอกราคาด้วยน้ำเสียงอบอุ่นดังคนแก่ที่ใจดีที่สุดในโลกว่าจานละ 59 บาทนะลูก นอกจากนี้ บรรดาลูกของเด็กเสิร์ฟยังชอบมากวนคนในร้านลูกค้าก็ไม่กล้าโวย เพราะเกรงเด็กเสิร์ฟปากร้ายนิสัยนักเลงคนนี้ ทำให้คนเข้าร้านน้อยลง และลูกจ้างก็พากันลาออก แม้ว่าเมียเจ้าของร้านจะพยายามอุ้มช้างบูชาราหู ก็ไร้ผล

ดังนั้นการเข้ามารับช่วงสัมปทานของร้าน " ประชาไก่น่ากัด " จึงถูกใจชาวบ้านร้านตลาดมาก เพราะเป็นร้านที่เปิดบริการมาหลายชั่วคน อีกทั้งเจ้าของร้านก็เป็นคนที่น่านับถือ สูตรน้ำจิ้มไก่ใส่น้ำผึ้งก็เด็ดขาด การค้าช่วงแรกจึงราบรื่นดี

แต่ภายหลังค่าแก๊ส ค่าไก่ มีราคาสูงขึ้น กิจการเริ่มประสบปัญหา จำนวนไก่ต่อจานน้อยชิ้นลง จานชามแตกหักสกปรก พอถูกถาม ....เจ้าของก็บอกว่าไม่ทราบ เรื่องนี้เป็นเรื่องของคนสับไก่กับคนล้างจาน .......พอชาวบ้านถามคนสับไก่ก็จะได้คำตอบว่า จำนวนชิ้นไก่จะขึ้นอยู่กับกลไกตลาด .....ส่วนคนล้างจานก็บอกว่าช้อนส้อมจานชามเซ้งมาจากเจ้าของสัมปทานร้านที่แล้ว ....เจอไม้นี้เข้า ชาวบ้านก็ได้แต่ทำตาปริบ ๆ

การเปิดร้านของเถ้าแก่คนใหม่ " ไก่รักไก่ (มหาชน) " ทำให้ชาวบ้านเริ่มมีความหวังกับรสชาติที่แตกต่างออกไป ตามสโลแกนของร้านที่ว่า " คิดไก่ ทำไก่ " ......เถ้าแก่คนใหม่ได้ปฏิวัติแนวทางการขายอย่างสิ้นเชิง มีการนำหลักวิชาการตลาดเข้ามาช่วย ทั้งการแบ่ง Market Segmentation และนำโปรโมชั่นต่าง ๆ มาล่อใจ ไม่ว่าจะเป็นการ พักหนี้ข้าวมันไก่ 3 เดือนของลูกค้าเงินเชื่อ หรือกินไก่ทั้งตัว ตัวละ 30 บาท

ผลก็คือทำให้ร้านนี้เป็นร้านที่คนเข้ามากที่สุดในงานประจำปี แม้จะมีข้อสงสัยว่าโปรโมชั่นเหล่านี้จะเอาเงินมาจากไหน แต่ได้ยินมาแว่ว ๆ ว่าเถ้าแก่ไม่สนใจหรอก แค่ได้สัมปทานข้าวมันไก่นี้ ....หุ้นร้านแกก็ขึ้นหลายหมื่นจุดแล้ว ...





 
เรื่องนี้ โดยโดยคุณ คลอสเตอร์


สามีภรรยานอนอยู่บนเตียง.... สามีเปิดไฟหัวเตียงและอ่านหนังสือ....สักพักสามีก็เอานิ้วมาแหย่จิ๋มภรรยา และหันไปอ่านหนังสือต่อ ....ภรรยาหันมามอง

อีกสักพักสามีก็เอานิ้วมาแหย่จิ๋มเธออีก ....เมื่อหันมามองเธอก็ไม่เห็นสามีมีทีท่าอะไร

อีกครู่หนึ่งสามีก็เอานิ้วมาแหย่จิ๋มอีก

ภรรยาลุกขึ้นถอดเสื้อผ้า

" ทำอะไรน่ะ " สามีถาม

" ก็เธอแหย่จิ๋มฉัน จะชวนเล่นจ้ำจี้ไม่ใช่หรือ " ภรรยาถาม

" เปล่า " สามีตอบ

" หนังสือมันเปิดไม่ออก "
 
 
หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 15 มกราคม, 2005, 09:20:43 PM


A rather well proportioned young lady spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of the hotel.

She wore a bathing suit the first day but, on the second, being a naturist, she decided that no one could see her way up there, & she slipped out of it for an overall tan.

She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs. She was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.

" Excuse me, miss, " said the flustered little assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs.

"The hotel doesn't mind you sunbathing on the roof but we would very much appreciate you wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday. "

" What difference does it make, " She asked rather calmly.

" No one can see me up here, & besides, I'm covered with a towel."

" Not exactly, " said the embarrassed little man.

" You're lying on the dining room skylight. "






DOG-GONE WASH  

A young boy about eight years old came through the checkout with a big box of laundry detergent.

The grocer was curious. Why was the young fella buying such a big box of soap?

"It's not for laundry," said the boy. "I'm going to wash my dog."

"You shouldn't wash your dog in this stuff," said the grocer.

" It's very powerful. He'll get sick. It might even kill him."

But the boy was not to be stopped. He paid and walked out with the detergent.

A week later the boy came back.

" How's the dog ? " asked the grocer.

"Oh, he died," said the boy.

The grocer was sorry, but he added,

"I did warn you not to use the detergent on your dog."

"I don't think it was the detergent that killed him," said the lad.

"What was it then?"



"I think it was the spin cycle."  
 
 
หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 15 มกราคม, 2005, 09:22:57 PM

"So...you finish?"  


Crouching Kitty managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman. He invited her back to his apartment, and after some small talk they made love. After a pleasant interlude, and, at what seemed to him to be the appropriate time, he stretched, asked with a smile, "So...you finish?"

She paused for a second, frowned, and replied "No."

Pleasantly surprised, Kitty reached for her and had his way with her again. This time she's wild, thrashing about on the bed and climaxing with screams of passion.

Again, the man smiles, and asks, "You finish?"

And again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him, and says "No."

Stunned, but damned if this woman is going to outlast him, Kitty reaches for his date. It takes all of his strength and he barely manages to do it, but they climax simultaneously, screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping bed sheets.

It's dawn by then, and, entirely spent, Kitty exhausted falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly, and asks, "You finish!?"

"Dammit, no!" she shouts back.



"For the last time, I am Swedish!"





The Office Managers Choice  


An office manager was sent three secretaries, equally qualified, to fill one vacancy.

"Well," thought the manager, "I'll give them an honesty test to determine which secretary to keep."

To this end, he gave each secretary a money bag to take and bank telling them that there was $50 in the bag. (In fact, he had placed $100 in each bag; thus the honesty test.)

The first secretary goes to the bank, discovers the extra money, banks $50 and returns the extra $50 to the manager.

The second secretary goes to the bank,discovers the extra money, banks the full $100, and returns with a deposit slip as proof.

The third secretary goes to the bank, discovers the extra money, banks $50, goes to the local TAB and uses the $50 to win $300, then returns, explains to the manager and gives him the all the money.

Question: Which secretary does the manager select to retain?

?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?

Answer: Well, DUH!...

The one with the biggest breasts!





หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 15 มกราคม, 2005, 09:24:11 PM


This one from : Khun Cantona


***SeX eDuCaTiOn***

.... ALL U GUYS COULD USE A LITTLE OF THIS......
 


Little Johnny was 7 years old and like other boys his age rather curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about 'courting' from the older boys, and he wondered what it was and how it was done. One day he took his question to his mother, who became rather flustered.

Instead of explaining things to Johnny, she told him to hide behind the curtains one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend. This he did. The following morning, Johnny described EVERYTHING to his mother.

"Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for a while, then he started kissing and hugging herI figured 'Sis must be getting sickbecause her face started looking funny. He must have thought so too, because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart, just > the way the doctor would. Except he's not as smart as the docotr because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart. I guess he was getting sick too, because pretty soon both of them started panting and getting all out of breath. His other hand must have been cold because he put it under her skirt.

About this time 'Sis got worse and began to moan and sigh and squirm around and slide down toward the end of the couch. This was when her fever started. I knew it was a fever, because Sis told him she felt really hot. Finally, I found out what was making them so sick -- a big eel had gotten inside his pants somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and stood there, about 10 inches long, honest, anyway he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away.

When Sis saw it, she got really scared -- her eyes got big, and her mouth fell open, and she started calling out to God and stuff like that. She said it was the biggest one she's ever seen; I should tell her about the ones down at the lake by our house!

Anyway, Sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting its head off. All of a sudden she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eel's head to keep it from biting again.

Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor-lock on it and he helped by lying on top of the eel. The eel put up a hell of a fight. Sis started groaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squashing it between them. Her boyfriend got up, and sure enough, they killed the eel. I knew because it just hung there, limp, and some of its insides were hanging out.

Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle, but they went back to courting anyway. He started hugging and kissing her again. By golly, the eel wasn't dead! It jumped straight up and started to fight again. I guess eels are like cats -- they have nine lives or something.

This time, Sis jumped up and tried to kill it by sitting on it. After about a 35 minute struggle, they finally killed the eel. I knew it was dead, because I saw Sis's boyfriend peel its skin off and flush it down the toilet.



หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 15 มกราคม, 2005, 09:26:49 PM


From : Cha Mai .... Friend of Intania 61


เหตุผลดี  


สูติแพทย์ของโรงพยาบาลรู้สึกแปลกใจเป็นอันมาก เมื่อชายหนุ่มที่เพิ่งเป็นพ่อหมาดๆ รายหนึ่งเดินเข้ามาหาเป็นการส่วนตัว

"ผมพอจะช่วยอะไรคุณได้บ้างมั่งครับ" คุณหมอถามไถ่อย่างอารมณ์ดี

"หมอ" คุณพ่อลูกอ่อน ครางเสียงอ่อย "ผมกลุ้มใจเหลือเกิน ลูกผมทำไมถึงหัวแดงออกน้ำตาลอย่างนั้น"

"ทำไมกะอีแค่เด็กผมแดงออกน้ำตาลหน่อย คุณถึงกับกลัดกลุ้มมากนัก" หมอถามเพราะยังงงๆอยู่

"คืองี้ครับ ... ไอ้ผมเองก็ผมดำ แม่เด็กก็ผมดำ ปู่ย่าตาทวดเราก็ผมดำทั้งนั้น" สามีอธิบายหมอ

"หมอพอจะอธิบายตามหลักวิทยาศาสตร์ได้ไหมว่า ทำไมลูกผมจึงผมแดง"

หมอนั่งคิดสักครู่ พร้อมกับซักไซ้ไล่เรียงเทือกเถาเหล่ากออยู่ไปเป็นนาน ก็หาคำตอบไม่ได้ สุดท้ายหมอก็ถามว่า

"ถามจริงๆเหอะ คุณกับภรรยา นอนกันบ่อยแค่ไหน"

"เอ่อ ....ก็ ...ก็ ..เดือนละครั้ง สองครั้ง"

"มิน่า ........" หมอตบเข่าหนึ่งฉาด

"เพราะอะไรหรือหมอ" สามีถามอย่างกระตือรือล้น


"นานๆใช้ที มันก็ขึ้นสนิมนะซิ หัวเด็กผ่านออกมา ก็เลยติดสนิมน่ะ".







The Confession Cover-up.  

A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the confessional unmanned, he called a rabbi friend up and asked him to cover for him.

The rabbi told him he wouldn't know what to say, but the priest told him to come on over and he'd stay with him and show him what to do. The rabbi comes and he and the priest are in the confessional.


In a few minutes a woman comes in and says

"Father forgive me for I have sinned."

The priest asks "What did you do?".

The woman says "I Committed adultery."

Priest: "How many times?"

Woman: "Three times."

Priest: "Say two Hail Mary's, put $5 in the box and go and sin no more."



A few minutes later another woman enters the confessional.

She says "Father forgive me for I have sinned."

Priest: "What did you do?"

Woman: "I committed adultery."

Priest: "How many times?"

Woman: "Three times."

Priest: "Say two Hail Mary's, put $5 in the box and go and sin no more."



The rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he's got it so the priest leaves.

A few minutes later another woman enters and says

"Father forgive me for I have sinned."

Rabbi: "What did you do?"

Woman: "I committed adultery."

Rabbi: "How many times?"

Woman: "Just once."


Rabbi: "Go do it two more times. We have a special this week, three for $5."



หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 15 มกราคม, 2005, 10:05:49 PM
Mother's Milk  

A medical student is taking a test and one of the questions he sees is:

"Name the three best advantages of mother's milk."



The student immediately writes,

"One: It has all the healthful nutrients needed to sustain a baby.

Two: It is inside the mother's body and therefore protected from germs and infections."

But the student can't think of the third answer.

Finally, he writes,

"Three: It comes in such nice containers."
 





From : Cha Mai .... Friend of Intania 61


Women and Geography  

ผู้หญิงอายุ 15-20 เหมือนแอฟริกา - ดินแดนที่ยังเป็นธรรมชาติ สดบริสุทธิ์ น่าตื่นตาตื่นใจ ท้าทายให้นักเดินทาง สำรวจไปไม่สิ้นสุด

ผู้หญิงอายุ 20-30 เหมือนอเมริกา- ถูกสำรวจปรุโปร่งแล้ว , สะดวก,รู้งาน, คล่องตัว , สมบูรณ์แบบที่สุด

ผู้หญิงอายุ 30-35 เหมือนอินเดียกับญี่ปุ่น - ร้อน ลุ่มลึก และงดงาม

ผู้หญิงอายุ 35-40 เหมือนฝรั่งเศส -ถูกสงครามทำลายย่อยยับไปแล้วครึ่งหนึ่งแต่ส่วนหลงเหลือก็ยังพอเป็นที่ปรารถนา (จริง ๆ นะ แซม !!)

ผู้หญิงอายุ 40-45 เหมือนเยอรมัน ,ไร้สงครามแต่ก็ยังไร้ความหวังอยู่ดี

ผู้หญิงอายุ 50-60 เหมือนรัสเซีย - กว้างใหญ่สงบ แต่ยังเป็นดินแดนที่ไม่ค่อยมีใครอยากไปเที่ยว

ผู้หญิงอายุ 60-70 เหมือนอังกฤษ - มีอดีตรุ่งโรจน์ แต่ไร้ซึ่งอนาคต

ผู้หญิงอายุ 70 เหมือนไซบีเรีย - ทุกคนรู้ดีว่ามันอยู่ตรงส่วนไหนของโลกแต่ไม่ค่อยมีใครค่อยอยากไปเหยียบ!!!!!

 
 
หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 15 มกราคม, 2005, 10:07:01 PM

Father, mother and son decide to go to the zoo one day. So they set off and are seeing lots of animals. Eventually they end up opposite the elephant house. The boy looks at the elephant, sees its willy points to it and says,

"Mummy, what is that long thing?"

His mother replies, "That son, is the elephant's trunk."

"No, at the other end."

"That son is the tail."

"No, mummy, the thing under the elephant."

A short embarrassed silenced after which she replies, "Thats nothing."


The mother goes to buy some ice-cream and the boy, not being satisfied with her answer asks his father the same question.


"Daddy, what is that long thing?"

"That's the trunk, son" replies the father.


"No, at the other end."

"Oh, that is the tail."


"No, no daddy, the thing below," asks the son in desperation.


"That is the elephants p*n*s. Why do you ask son?"

"Well mummy said it was nothing," says the boy.



Replies the father:

"I tell you, I spoil that woman..."
 




 

Defense Attorney: "Would you please state your age to the court for the record."

Little Old Lady: "I am 86 years old."

Defense Attorney: "Will you tell us in your own words, what happened to you on the night in question."

Little Old Lady: "There I was sitting on my porch swing on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up the porch stairs and sits down beside me."

Defense Attorney: "Did you know him?"

Little Old Lady: "No, but he sure was friendly."

Defense Attorney: "Then what happened after he sat down beside you?"

Little Old Lady: "Well, he started to rub my thighs."

Defense Attorney: "Did you stop him?"

Little Old Lady: "No, I didn't."

Defense Lawyer: "Why not?"

Little Old Lady: "It felt good. Nobody has done that since my Dan passed away 30 years ago."

Defense Attorney: "Then what happened?"

Little Old Lady: "He started to rub my breasts."

Defense Attorney: "Did you stop him then?"

Little Old Lady: "No."

Defense Attorney: "Why not?"

Little Old Lady: "Well your honor, his rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I hadn't felt that good in years."

Defense Attorney: "What happened next?"

Little Old Lady: "Well, I started to feel so spicy that I said to him, "Take me young man".

Defense Attorney: "And did he take you?"



Little Old Lady: "No. That's when he yelled April Fools!

..... And that's when I shot him.

 
 
หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 15 มกราคม, 2005, 10:08:37 PM

A man in Topeka, Kansas, decided to write a book about churches around the world. He started by flying to San Francisco, and started working east from there.

Going to a very large church, he began taking
photographs and making notes. He spotted a golden telephone on the vestibule wall and was intrigued with a sign which read

"$10,000 a minute."

Seeking out the pastor he asked about the phone and the sign. The Pastor answered that this golden phone is, in fact, a direct line to Heaven and if he pays the price he can talk directly to God.

The man thanked the pastor and continued on his way.

As he continued to visit churches in Seattle, Atlanta, Greensboro, Chicago, Milwaukee, and all around the United States and the rest of the world , he found more phones with the same sign, and the same answer from each pastor.

Finally, he arrived in Thailand . Upon entering a church in Bangkok, Thailand , behold, he saw the usual golden telephone. But THIS time, the sign read

"Calls: 3 Bahts."

Fascinated, he asked to talk to the pastor.

"Reverend, I have been in cities all around the world and in each church I have found this golden telephone and have been told it is a direct line to Heaven and that I could talk to God, but, in the other churches the cost was $10,000 a minute. Your sign reads 3 Bahts a call. Why?"

The pastor, smiling benignly, replied,

"Son, you're in Bangkok now.....it's a local call







Guess what these instructions are for...

Read the 10 to-do instructions and then scroll for the answer - NO CHEATING!

1. Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.

2. Form a loose grip.

3. Keep your head down.

4. Avoid a quick back swing.

5. Stay out of the water.

6. Try not to hit anyone.

7. If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you.

8. Don't stand directly in front of others.

9. Quiet please... while others are preparing to go.

10. Don't take extra strokes.
..
..
..
..
..
Very good. Now flush the urinal, go outside, and tee off!

(From a sign posted at a local golf course restroom :)

หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 15 มกราคม, 2005, 10:09:49 PM

From : Kuntira ... Friend of Intania 61




Radio Show  


Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this.

Many Chicago folks DID hear this on the WBAM FM morning show in Chicago. The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is called "Mate Match".

The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone.

If the contestant answers "yes", he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions.

The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner (with phone number) for verification. If their partner answers those same three questions correctly, they both win the prize. One particular game, however, several months ago made the


City of Big Shoulders drop to its knees with laughter and is possibly the funniest thing I've heard yet.

Anyway, here's how it all went down:


DJ: "Hey! This is Edgar on WBAM. Have you ever
heard of 'MateMatch'?"

Contestant: (laughing) "Yes, I have."

DJ: "Great! Then you know we're giving away a
trip to Orlando, Florida if you win. What is your name? First only please."

Contestant: "Brian."

DJ: "Brian, are you married or what?"

Brian: "Yes."

DJ: "Yes? Does that mean you're married or you're what?"

Brian: (laughing nervously) "Yes, I am married."

DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name?
First only please."

Brian: "Sara."

DJ: "Is Sara at work, Brian?"

Brian: "She is gonna kill me."

DJ: "Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?"

Brian: (laughing) "Yes, she's at work."

DJ: "Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?"

Brian: "She is gonna kill me."

DJ: "Brian! Stay with me here!"

Brian: "About 8 o'clock this morning."

DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."

Brian: (laughing sheepishly) "Well..."

DJ: "Question #2 - How long did it last?"

Brian: "About 10 minutes."

DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that if a trip wasn't at stake."

Brian: "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice."

DJ: "Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this morning?"

Brian: (laughing hard) "I, ummm, I, well..."

DJ: "This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?"

Brian: "Not that it was all that great, but her mom is
staying with us for a couple of weeks..."

DJ: "Uh huh..."

Brian: "...and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time."

DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."

Brian: "On the kitchen table."

DJ: "Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred times I've done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get this wife's work number and call her up. You listen to this." 3 minutes of commercials follow.)




DJ: "Okay audience, let's call Sarah, shall we?" (touch tones.... ringing....)

Clerk: "Kinkos."

DJ: "Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?"

Clerk: "This is she."

DJ: "Sarah, this is Edgar with WBAM. We are live on the air right now and I've been talking with Brian
for a couple of hours now."

Sarah: (laughing) "A couple of hours?"

DJ: "Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to give any answers away o r you'll lose.

Sooooooo... do you know the rules of 'MateMatch'?"

Sarah: "No."

DJ: "Good!"

Brian: (laughing)

Sarah: (laughing) "Brian, what the hell are you up to?"

Brian (laughing) "Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely honest."

DJ: "Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off to Orlando, Florida for 5 days on us. Disney World. Sea World. Tickets to the Magic's game. The whole deal. Get it Sarah?"

Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."

DJ: "Alright. When did you last have sex, Sarah?"

Sarah: "Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to work."

DJ: "What time?"

Sarah: "Around 8 this morning."

DJ: "Very good. Next question. How long did it last?"

Sarah: "12, 15 minutes maybe."

DJ: "Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his manhood. We've got one lastquestion, Sarah. You are one question away from a trip to Florida. Are you ready?"

Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."

DJ: "Where did you have it?"

Sarah: "OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them
that, did you?"

Brian: "Just tell him, honey."

DJ: "What is bothering you so much, Sarah?"

Sarah: "Well, it's just that my mom is vacationing with us and..."

DJ: Come on Sarah.....where did you have it?




Sarah: "In the ass....."




After a long pause, the DJ said,

"Folks, we need to take a station break..... "� � :-[� �:D




หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 15 มกราคม, 2005, 10:10:58 PM

Proxy Father ..... This one killed me !



The Smiths were unable to conceive children, and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family.

On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said,

"I'm off. The man should be here soon".

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

"Good morning madam. I've come to......"

"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.

"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies."

"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat."

After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too....you can really spread out!"

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."

"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"My, my, that's a lot of ..! ! ." gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."

"Don't I know it," Mrs. Smith muttered.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures.

"This was done on the top of a bus."

"Oh my god!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her
handkerchief.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."

"She was difficult ?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."

"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.

"Yes", the photographer said. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate! Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your um...equipment ?"

"That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work"

"Tripod??

"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold very long.

Madam? Madam?... ..Good Lord, she's fainted!!


 
โดยคุณ Jokesmonster  เสาร์ที่ 26 ต.ค. 45 (17:21 น.)
หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 15 มกราคม, 2005, 10:13:32 PM

There are 70 ways to keep a woman happy:



One is to take her shopping.



The rest is 69.






Three men are sleeping in the same bed together. In the morning they started discussing their dreams.

The man on the right said

"I had a dream that I was getting a hand job".

The man on the left said

"I had a dream that I was getting a hand job too".

Then the man in the middle replied,

"Thats really weird, I had a dream that I was skiing."





The Sandals...  



*** WARNING ***

This joke contains an adult theme. STOP here if this type of humor offends you.



This married couple was on holiday in Pakistan. (Yah, like that's gonna happen soon :)

Anyway, they were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed this small sandal shop.

From inside they heard a gentleman with a Pakistani accent say,

" You, foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop." So the couple walked in.

The Pakistani man said to them, "I have some special sandals I think you'd be interested in. You no need viagra... my sandals work much betterl !"

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man had claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex god he was.

The husband asked the man,

" How could sandals improve your sex drive?"

The Pakistani man replied, "Just try them on."

Well, the husband, after much badgering from his wife, finally conceded to try them on.

As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes; something his wife hadn't seen in many years--- raw sensual desire.

In a blink of an eye, the husband rushed the Pakistani man, threw him on a table and started tearing off the guys clothes. All the time the Pakistani man was screaming -


"YOU HAVE THEM ON THE WRONG FEET!"  
 
หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 15 มกราคม, 2005, 10:14:35 PM

The Human Design  

Three freshman engineering students were sitting around one day arguing about who might have designed the human body.

The first one said, "It must've been a mechanical engineer. The human body has all those levers and pivots and stuff. A mechanical engineer must have designed all that."

The second one said, "No, it had to have been an electrical engineer. The complex way the nerves are wired up to the brain must have been designed by an eletrical engineer."

The third one said, "No, it was a civil engineer. Who else would have run a waste water line through a recreational area?"

 




Mr. Perkins, the biology instructor at a posh suburban girl's junior college, asked during class,

" Miss Smythe, would you please name the organ of the human body which, under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define those conditions? "

Miss Smythe gasped, then said coolly,

"Mr. Perkins, I don't think that is a proper question to ask me. I assure you, my parents will hear of this," and sat down red-faced.

Unperturbed, Mr. Perkins called on Miss Johnson and asked the same question. Miss Johnson, with composure, replied,

" The pupil of the eye, in dim light."

"Correct Miss Johnson." said Mr. Perkins.

"And now, Miss Smythe, I have three things to say to you. ONE, you have not studied your lesson. TWO, you have a dirty mind. And THREE, you will some day be faced with a dreadful disappointment."

 
 
หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 15 มกราคม, 2005, 10:15:44 PM

Pong+ is out shopping and discovers a new brand: "Olympic Condoms."

Impressed, he buys a pack. Upon arriving home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made.

"Olympic condoms?" she blurts. "What makes them so special?"

"They're in three colors," Pong+ replies, "gold, silver, and bronze."

"What color are you planning on wearing tonight?" she asks cheekily.

"Why, gold, of course," says the man proudly.

"Really?" she responds.

"Why don't you wear the silver tonight? It'd be nice if you came second for a change."

 



From Khun KOB

ตอบไม่เคยผิด  


อดัมส์กับแมรี สองสามีภรรยามักจะไปโบสถ์ด้วยกันเป็นประจำ แต่แมรีมักมีปัญหาง่วงนอนและแอบ งีบเป็นประจำระหว่างที่หลวงพ่อกำลังเทศน์

อดัมส์กับหลวงพ่อจึงปรึกษากันเพื่อหาทางแก้ ....หลวงพ่อแนะนำให้อดัมส์พกเข็มไปโบสถ์ด้วย ....ถ้าหลวงพ่อเห็นแมรีหลับ หลวงพ่อจะชี้มือเป็นสัญญาน แล้วให้อดัมส์เอาเข็มทิ่มแมรีให้ตื่น

อาทิตย์ต่อมาหลวงพ่อก็ขึ้นเทศน์ตามปกติ แล้วแมรีก็หลับเป็นปกติเหมือนกัน หลวงพ่อเทศน์ถามผู้ฟังว่าใครเป็นพระผู้ช่วยให้รอดของพวกเรา ....บังเอิญหันไปเห็นแมรีหลับพอดี หลวงพ่อเลยยกมือชี้ให้รู้ อดัมส์เห็นสัญญาณ ก็เอาเข็มทิ่มเอวแมรีไปหนึ่งที แมรีสะดุ้งตื่นร้องขึ้นว่า " พระเยซู !! "

"ถูกต้อง" หลวงพ่ออธิบายให้ฟังถึงพระเยซู เทศน์ไปอีกพักหนึ่งหลวงพ่อก็ถามว่าพระเยซูเป็นพระบุตรของใคร บังเอิญเห็นแมรีหลับอีกจึงยกมือ ขึ้นชี้

" พระเจ้า !! " แมรีตะโกนเสียงดัง เพราะโดนอดัมส์เอาเข็มทิ่มเข้าอีก

หลวงพ่อเทศน์ต่ออีกนานจนน่าเบื่อ หลวงพ่อเทศน์อธิบายไปถึงประวัติอดัมกับอีฟ ว่าทั้งสองให้กำเนิดมนุษย์ถึง 99 คน หลวงพ่อถามว่า
มีใครรู้บ้างว่าอีฟพูดกับอดัมว่าอย่างไรพร้อม กับชี้มือมาที่แมรีที่หลับต่อ

คราวนี้อดัมส์ทิ่มเข็มแรงกว่าสองครั้งแรก แมรีสะดุ้งโหยงลุกขึ้นคำรามด้วยความโกรธ

" ไอ้อดัมส์ กูเจ็บนะโว๊ย ...ถ้า+++ทิ่มกูอีกทีเดียวกูจะตบบ้องหู+++ให้ "

 
 
หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 15 มกราคม, 2005, 10:19:00 PM


Dhani's Secrets to a Successful Marriage  


My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last:


1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little wine, some good food and good companionship.

She goes Tuesday's, I go Fridays.


2. We also sleep in separate beds.

Hers is in Florida and mine is in Cincinnati.


3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.


4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. ...

" Somewhere I haven't been in a long time ! " she said.

So I suggested the kitchen.


5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.


6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster, and electric bread maker.

Then she said, "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!"

So I bought her an electric chair.


7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburettor. I asked where the car was, she told me,......" In the lake. "


8. My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost weight, but BOY, can she climb a tree now.


9. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.


10. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?"

The driver said, "No, jump in!"


11. Remember....Marriage is the number one cause of divorce. Statistically, 100% of all divorces started with marriage.


12. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.


13. I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her
.

14. The last fight was my fault. My wife asked,
"What's on the TV?"... I said, 'Dust!"


15. In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.


16. Why do men die before their wives? Cause they want to.


17. What is the difference between a dog and a fox?
About 5 drinks.


18. A beggar walked up to my wife shopping on Michigan Ave. and said "I haven't eaten anything in four days."

She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower."


โดยคุณ Jokesmonster  เสาร์ที่ 26 ต.ค. 45 (18:03 น.)




... เรื่องนี้ สำหรับ นาย Yoe  7210 .... อิ อิ


Yoe's Password....  


A female computer consultant was helping Yoe set up his computer. She asked him what word he would like to use as a password to log in with.

Wanting to embarrass the female, he told her to enter "p*n*s".


Without blinking or saying a word, she entered the password. She almost died laughing at the computer's response


: PASSWORD REJECTED. ........ NOT LONG ENOUGH.
 
โดยคุณ Jokesmonster  อาทิตย์ที่ 27 ต.ค. 45 (09:07 น.)







เรื่องนี้ จะใส่ชื่อใครดีล่ะ ..... เป็น นาย X ก้อแล้วกันนะ ...อิ อิ


Don't Laugh
 

X went to the doctor and said,

"Doctor, I've got this problem you see, only you've got to promise not to laugh."

The doctor replied,

"Of course I won't laugh, that would be thoroughly unprofessional. In over twenty years of being a doctor, I've never laughed at a patient."

" OK then, " said X , and he droped his trousers.


The doctor was greeted by the sight of the tiniest p*n*s he has ever seen in his life. Unable to control himself, he fell about laughing on the floor.


Ten minutes later he was able to struggle up to his feet and wiped the tearsfrom his eyes.


"I'm so sorry," he said to X ,


"I don't know whatcame over me, I won't let it happen again. Now what seems to be the problem? "


X looked up at the doctor sadly and said,



"It's swollen."  
 
 
หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 15 มกราคม, 2005, 10:20:31 PM


LAWYER IN SPACE !
 


...NASA was interviewing professionals they were figuring on sending to Mars. The touchy part was that only one guy could go and it would be a one way trip, the guy not ever returning to Earth.

The interviewer asked the first applicant, an engineer, how much he wanted to be paid for going.

"One million dollars," the engineer answered. "And I want to donate it all to my alma mater--Rice University."


The next applicant was a doctor, and the interviewer asked him the same question.

"Two millions dollars," .....the doctor said. ....."I want to give a million to my family and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research."


The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer's ear, ....."Three million dollars."

"Why so much more than the others?" the interviewer asked.


The lawyer replied,

"You give me three million, I'll give you one million, I'll keep a million, and we'll send the engineer."

 




An ambitious yuppie finally decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life... until the boat sank! The man found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies... Nothing. Only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to him. In disbelief he asks her:

"Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

"I rowed from the other side of the island," she says. "I landed here when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he says. "You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you."

"Oh, this?" replies the woman. "I made the rowboat out of raw material that I found on the island; the oars were whittled from gum tree branches; I wove the bottom from palm branches; and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But-but, that's impossible," stutters the man. "You had no tools or hardware. How did you manage?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replies the woman.

"On the south side of the island, there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware."


The guy is stunned.

"Let's row over to my place, " she says.


After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks onto shore, he nearly falls out of the boat.

Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb-struck.


As they walk into the house, her beautiful breasts bouncing with each step, she says casually,

"It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down please; would you like to have a drink?"

"No thank you," he says, still dazed. "Can't take any more coconut juice."

"It's not coconut juice," the woman replies. "I have a still. How about a Pina Colada?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk.

After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces,

"I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom."

No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, is a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened onto its end, inside of a swivel mechanism.

"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What next?"


When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines and a shell necklace-strategically positioned-and smelling faintly of gardenias.

She beckons for him to sit down next to her.

"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him,

"we've been out here for a very long time. You've been lonely. I've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right about now, something you've been longing for all these months? You know... " She stares into his eyes.


He can't believe what he's hearing. His heart begins to pound. He's truly in luck:

"You mean...", he gasps,


"...I can actually read my favorite HTG2 from here??"  

 
 
หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 15 มกราคม, 2005, 10:21:56 PM


โลกอนาคต

ปีค.ศ. 2096 โลกมนุษย์สามารถติดต่อกับสิ่งมีชีวิตต่างดาวที่ทรงภูมิปัญญาได้เป็นครั้งแรก และก็นำมาซึ่งสิ่งใหม่หลายๆอย่าง จนกระทั่งโครงการทดลองผสมข้ามเผ่าพันธุ์ได้เริ่มต้นขึ้น มนุษย์โลกคู่หนึ่งได้ถูกเลือกไปทำหน้าที่นี้ สมมติว่าชื่อ อาดัม กับ อีฟ ก็แล้วกัน

การทดลองถูกกำหนดให้มีขึ้นในยานอวกาศของมนุษย์ต่างดาวที่ลอยลำอยู่ในอวกาศเหนือพื้นโลก ฝ่ายมนุษย์ต่างดาวก็ส่งตัวแทนมาสองคนเช่นเดียวกัน

เมื่ออีฟและมนุษย์ต่างดาวฝ่ายชาวเข้าอยู่ในห้องส่วนตัวแล้ว เธอก็ต้องผิดหวังอย่างรุนแรง เมื่อพบว่าอุปกรณ์ของมนุษย์ต่างดาวนั้นมีขนาดแค่ไม้ขีดไฟก้านหนึ่งเท่านั้น
"ไม่ต้องห่วง" มนุษย์ต่างดาวว่าพลางเคาะหน้าผากตัวเองสามสี่ครั้ง ทุกทุกครั้งที่เคาะ "อุปกรณ์" จะยืดยาวออกมาหนึ่งนิ้วเศษๆ
"แต่มันจะใช้การได้ไงล่ะ นี่มันเส้นบะหมี่ชัดๆเลย" อีฟยังกังวลใจ
"ไม่มีปัญหา" มนุษย์ต่างดาวว่าพลางเคาะดึงหูตัวเองสามสี่ครั้ง ทุกทุกครั้งที่ดึง "อุปกรณ์" จะพองโตออกมาจนได้ขนาดพอเหมาะพอเจาะ
แล้วการทดลองก็สัมฤทธิ์ผลด้วยดี

วันถัดมาเมื่ออาดัมกับอีฟมาเจอกันอีกครั้ง
"เมื่อคืนเป็นไงบ้าง" อาดัมถาม
"วิเศษสุดเลย" อีฟบอก "แล้วคุณล่ะ" เธอถามกลับ
"ไม่ไหว" อาดัมส่ายหน้า "ไม่รู้เธอเป็นบ้าอะไร เอาแต่ทุบหัวกับดึงหูผมทั้งคืนเลย!"



 
โดยคุณ ขอแจม   อาทิตย์ที่ 27 ต.ค. 45 (15:10 น.) 








Beachwalker was on the beach and walked up to a beautiful girl in a bikini -

"I want to feel your breasts" he exclaimed.

"Get away from me, you crazy man" she replied.


"I want to feel your breasts, I will give you twenty dollars," he says.

"Twenty dollars, are you nuts!? Get away from me!"


"I want to feel your breasts, I will give you ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS" he stated.

"NO! Get away from me!"


"TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS" he offered.

She paused to think about it, but then comes to her senses and said, "I said NO!"


"FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS if you let me feel your breasts," he claimed.

She thought, well he is very smart, and he seems harmless enough...and $500 IS a lot of money....


"Well, OK...but only for a minute."


She loosened her bikini top and while both are standing there on the beach, he slid his hands underneath and began to feel... then he started saying,

"OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD..."

while he was caressing them.




Out of curiosity, she asked him,

"Why do you keep saying, 'Oh my god, oh my god'?"



While continuing to feel her breasts he answered,




"OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD... OH MY GOD,


where am I ever going to get those five hundred dollars?

 
โดยคุณ Jokesmonster  จันทร์ที่ 28 ต.ค. 45 (08:16 น.) 

หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 15 มกราคม, 2005, 10:22:54 PM

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him,

"Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquired.

They say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?'"


"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment.


"You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem.I have two male talking parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, an we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying...that phrase...in no time."


"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."


The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage, holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.


After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison:

"Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"


There was stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed,


"Put the beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered!"

 




Keep the Motor Running  


It was the stir of the town when an 80-year-old man married a 20-year-old girl.

After a year she went into the hospital to give birth.


The nurse came out to congratulate the fellow.

"This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?"


He answered, "You've got to keep that old motor running."



The following year she gave birth again. The same nurse said,

"You really are amazing. How do you do it?"


He again said, "You've got to keep the old motor running."


The same thing happened the next year. The nurse said, "You must be quite a man."


He responded, "You've got to keep that old motor running."


The nurse then said,




"Well, you had better change the oil, this one's black!"

 
 
หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 15 มกราคม, 2005, 10:24:08 PM


A husband and wife decided they needed to use code to indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on it. They decided on the word “Typewriter.”

One day the husband told his five year old daughter,

“Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter.”



The child told her mother what her dad said and her mom responded,

"Tell your daddy that he can’t type a letter right now because there is a red ribbon in the typewriter."


The child went back to tell her father what mommy said.


A few days later the mom told the daughter,

"Tell daddy that he can type that letter now."


The child told her father, returned to her mother and announced,



"Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand."

 




There was an expectant father who had spent quite some time waiting for the offspring to arrive - at his in-laws' place.

As his leave balance had gone into the red, he tells his father-in-law, "When my son comes, do not call up my office and say that I have become a father of a boy because I'll have to shell out a lot for parties. Just leave me a message that the clock has arrived. This will be our code for the arrival of the baby."

The offspring does finally arrive one day, but it's a daughter. The father-in-law now thinks to himself, "If I tell him that the clock has not arrived, he'll misunderstand and think that something has happened to the baby and come rushing over."

So the father-in-law left the following message:

"The clock has arrived, but the pendulum is missing."
 
 
หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 15 มกราคม, 2005, 10:25:00 PM


A dietitian was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.

Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.

But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said,






"Wedding cake."  
 




A company chairman was given a ticket for a performance of Schubert's unfinished Symphony. Since he was unable to go, he passed the invitation to the company's Quality Assurance Manager. The next morning, the chairman asked him how he enjoyed it, and, instead of a few plausible observations, he was handed a memorandum which read as follows;

For a considerable period, the oboe players had nothing to do. Their number should be reduced, and their work spread over the whole orchestra, thus avoiding peaks of inactivity.

All twelve violins were playing identical notes. This seems unnecessary duplication, and the staff of this section should be drastically cut. If a large volume of sound is really required, this could be obtained through the use of an amplifier.

Much effort was involved in playing the demi-semiquavers. This seems an excessive refinement, and it is recommended that all notes should be rounded up to the nearest semiquaver. If this were done, it would be possible to use trainees instead of craftsmen.

No useful purpose is served by repeating with horns the passage that has already been handled by the strings. If all such redundant passages were eliminated, the concert could be reduced from two hours to twenty minutes.

In light of the above, one can only conclude that had Schubert given attention to these matters, he probably would have had the time to finish his symphony.
 
 
หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 15 มกราคม, 2005, 10:26:21 PM


Two guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court before the judge. The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday."

Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the first one, "How did you do over the weekend?"

"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever," he said.

"Seventeen people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?" the judge said.

"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles: and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (the small circle) is your brain after drugs."

"That's admirable," said the judge. "And you, how did you do?" he asked the second guy.

"Well, your honor, I persuaded one hundred fifty six people to give up drugs forever," he said.

"That many people! How amazing! How did you manage to do that!" the judge asked.



"Well, I used the same two circles. I pointed to the small circle and told them, 'this is your anus before prison,'" he said.
 






  Sid and Al were sitting in a Chinese restaurant.

"Sid," asked Al, "are there any Jews in China?"

"I don't know," Sid replied. "Why don't we ask the waiter?"

When the waiter came by, Al asked him, "Are there any Chinese Jews?"

"I don't know sir, let me ask," the waiter replied, and he went into the kitchen. He returned in a few minutes and said,

"No, sir. No Chinese Jews."

"Are you sure?" Al asked.

"I will check again, sir." the waiter replied and went back to the kitchen.

While he was still gone, Sid said, "I cannot believe there are no Jews in China. Our people are scattered everywhere."

When the waiter returned he said, "Sir, no Chinese Jews."

"Are you really sure?" Al asked again. "I cannot believe there are no Chinese Jews."

"Sir, I ask everyone," the waiter replied exasperated.


"We have orange Jews, prune Jews, tomato Jews and grape Jews, but no one ever hear of Chinese Jews!"
 
 
หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 15 มกราคม, 2005, 10:28:06 PM


A sales rep, an administration clerk and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke.

The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one."

"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk."I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone.


In astonishment, "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone.


"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.


The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."



MORAL OF THE STORY: always let your boss have the first say.

 
โดยคุณ Jokesmonster  พุธที่ 26 มี.ค. 46 (20:03 น.)
 

 




Little-Known Chocolate Tidbits...  


If you get melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.

Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.

Problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in hot car. Solution: Eat it in the parking lot.

Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite and you'll eat less.

A nice box of chocolates provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Isn't that handy?

If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.

Equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate is a balanced diet.

The preservatives in chocolate make you look younger.

Why is there no such organization as Chocoholics Anonymous? Because no one wants to quit.

Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done!
 

โดยคุณ Jokesmonster  พุธที่ 26 มี.ค. 46 (20:16 น.)
 
หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 15 มกราคม, 2005, 10:29:12 PM


A son asks his father, "What can you tell me about politics?

He have said, "OK, son, the best way I can describe politics is to use an analogy. Let's say that I'm a capitalist because I'm the breadwinner. Your mother will be the government because she controls everything, our maid will be the working class because she works for us, you will be the people because you answer to us, and your baby brother will be the future. Does that help any?"

The little boy said, "Well, Dad, I don't know, but I'll think about what you said."

Later that night, after everyone had gone to bed, the little boy was awaken by his baby brother's crying.

Upon further investigation, he found a dirty diaper.

So, he went down the hall to his parent's bedroom and found his father's side of the bed empty and his mother wouldn't wake up.

Then he saw a light on in the guest room down the hall, and when he reached the door, he saw through the crack that his father was in bed with the maid.

The son then turned and went back to bed.

The next morning, he said to his father at the breakfast table,

"Dad, I think I understand politics much better now."

"Excellent, my boy," he answered, "What have you learned?"

The little boy thought for a minute and said, "I learned that capitalism is screwing the working class, government is sound asleep ignoring the people, and the future's full of crap."
 





The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.


The teacher then announced,

"Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, Gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner.!"


The room really got quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand.

"Yes?" replied the teacher.




"Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"  

 
โดยคุณ Jokesmonster  พฤหัสบดีที่ 3 เม.ย. 46 (21:44 น.)
 
หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 15 มกราคม, 2005, 10:31:12 PM


OVERDUE......


A young husband comes home one night, and his wife throws her arms around his neck:

" Darling, I have great news. I'm a month overdue. I think we're going to have a baby! The doctor gave me a test today, but until we find out for sure, we can't tell anybody. "


The next day, a guy from the electric company rings the doorbell, because the young couple haven't paid their last bill.


"Are you Mrs. Smith? You're a month overdue!"

"How do YOU know?" stammers the young woman.

"Well, ma'am, it's in our files!" says the man.

"What are you saying? It's in your files?????"

"Absolutely."

"Well, let me talk to my husband about this tonight."



That night, she tells her husband about the visit, and he, mad as a bull, rushes to the electric company offices.

"What's going on here?

"You have it on file that my wife is a month overdue? What business is that of yours?" the husband shouts.


"Just calm down," says the clerk,
"it's nothing serious. All you have to do is pay us."


"PAY you? and if I refuse?"

"Well, in that case, sir, we'd have no option but to cut you off."

"And what would my wife do then?" the husband asks.


"I don't know. ...........

I guess she'd have to use a candle."

 

โดยคุณ Jokesmonster  พุธที่ 14 ม.ค. 47 (13:00 น.)
 




Wet Smokers  

Two old ladies were outside their nursing home having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.

Lady 1: What's that?

Lady 2: A condom.

Lady 1: Where'd you get it?

Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.



The next day, the first lady hobbled into the local drugstore and announced to the pharmacist that she wanted to buy a package of condoms.

The guy looked at her kind of strangely (she was, after all, in her 80s), but politely asked what brand she preferred.


"Doesn't matter," she replied, "as long as it fits a Camel."

 

โดยคุณ Jokesmonster  ศุกร์ที่ 20 ก.พ. 47 (10:08 น.) 
 

หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 15 มกราคม, 2005, 10:32:58 PM

New Born Baby  


There was a middle-aged couple who had two stunningly beautiful blonde teen-aged daughters. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.

After months of trying, the wife became pregnant and sure enough, nine months later delivered a healthy baby boy.


The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he has ever seen.

He went to his wife and said that there was no way that he could be the father of that child.

"Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!"


Then he gave her a stern look and asked,

"Have you been fooling around on me?"



The wife just smiled sweetly and said,


"Not this time."



 



Kindergarten Lecture  


Attorney General Ashcroft was visiting an elementary school.

After the typical civics presentation, he announced,

"All right, boys and girls, you can ask me questions now."


A little boy named Bobby raised his hand and said,

"Mr. Ashcroft, I have three questions.

First, how did Bush win the election with fewer votes than Gore?

Second, why are you using the USA Patriot Act to limit Americans' civil liberties?

And third, why hasn't the U.S. caught Osama Bin Laden yet?"


Just then the bell sounded and all the kids ran out to the playground.


After lunch the kids were back in class and Attorney General Ashcroft said,

"I'm sorry we were interrupted by the bell. Now, you can ask me questions."



A little girl raised her hand and said, "Mr. Ashcroft, I have five questions.

First, how did Bush win the election with fewer votes than Gore?

Second, why are you using the USA Patriot Act to limit Americans' civil liberties?

Third, why hasn't the U.S. caught Osama Bin Laden yet?

Fourth, why did the bell go off 20 minutes early?



And fifth, where's Bobby?"

 
โดยคุณ Jokesmonster  ศุกร์ที่ 20 ก.พ. 47 (10:15 น.) 
 
หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 15 มกราคม, 2005, 10:34:25 PM
An office manager was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them one question and their answer would determine who would get the job.


The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the Interviewer asked What is the fastest thing you know of?"

Pointing to the man on his right.


The first man replied "A THOUGHT. It pops into your head. There's no forewarning that it's on the way, it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of."


" That's very good! " replied the interviewer.


And now you sir? He asked the second man.

"Hmm....let me see, A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of."


"Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye. That's a very popular clich้ for speed," as he turned to the third man who was contemplating his reply.

Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch, when you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light at the barn comes on in an instant." TURNING ON A IGHT is the fastest thing I can think of."


The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man.

"It's hard to beat the speed of light." he said.


Turning to the fourth man, he posed the question.


" After hearing the three previous answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA."


" WHAT ! ? " said the interviewer, stunned by the response.


" Oh I can explain." said the fourth man.

"You see the other day I wasn't feeling so good ! and I ran for the bathroom. But, before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I HAD SHIT MY PANTS ! "



HE GOT THE JOB!

 
โดยคุณ Dr.Pongsarn - intania61.com    ศุกร์ที่ 12 มี.ค. 47 (10:17 น.) 


(http://images.hiddenrhino.multiply.com/image/17/photos/52/orig/1/Ben001.jpg?et=EQOCawoDqpD%2BO6f3AYB6nw)




เมื่อแขกเป็นพนักงานขาย

ชายชาวอินเดียคนหนึ่งย้ายไปอยู่ที่มอนทรีล เขาไปสมัครงานที่ห้างใหญ่แห่งหนึ่ง

ผู้จัดการถามเขาว่า " คุณเคยมีประสบการณ์ด้านการขายมาบ้างไม๊? "

ชายชาวอินเดียผู้นั้นก็ตอบว่า " อีนี้เคยสิครั่บ ....ตอนอยู่ที่บ้านเดิม ฉานเคยเป็นพนักงานขาย "


ผู้จัดการรู้สึกพอใจ จึงรับเขาเข้าทำงาน " ยูมาเริ่มงานพรุ่งนี้เลยนะ แล้วหลังจากเราปิดร้าน ไอจะลงมาตรวจดูว่ายูทำอะไรไปบ้าง แต่ไอขอแนะนำอะไรยูหน่อยนะ อย่างถ้าลูกค้ามาซื้อยาสีฟัน นายก็น่าจะแนะนำให้เขาซื้อแปรงสีฟัน และครีมโกนหนวดไปด้วย อะไร ประมาณนี้นะ เข้าใจไม๊ ? "

" ชัวร์ อีนี้ ฉานเข้าใจครับ"



การทำงานวันแรกแม้จะยากแต่แขกบ้าคนนี้ก็ผ่านมันมาได้

หลังจากปิดร้านผู้จัดการก็มาดู " เป็นไง ขายได้กี่รายวันนี้ ? "

" อีนี้ รายเดียวขอรับ"

ผู้จัดการร้องลั่น " หา !!!! รายเดียวเองเหรอ? .... ยูรู้ไม๊ว่าพนักงานขาย ทั่วไปเค้าขายกันได้เฉลี่ยวันละ 20 หรือ 30 รายเชียวนะ ..........แล้ว เอ็ง ขายได้เงินมาเท่าใหร่วะ ไอ้บ้าเอ้ย? "


แขกตอบว่า . 101,237.64 ดอลล่าร์ครับ"

ผู้จัดการตกใจ " หา? 101,237.64 ดอลล่าร์เหรอ? ท่านขายอะไรให้เค้าไปน่ะ ? "


" ทีแรกก็เบ็ดตกปลาขนาดเล็ก แล้วก็เบ็ดขนาดกลาง แล้วก็เบ็ดขนาดใหญ่ แล้วก็คันเบ็ดรุ่นใหม่ จากนั้นพอ ฉาน ถามเขาว่าจะไปตกปลาที่ไหน เขาตอบว่าจะไปที่ชายฝั่ง

ฉาน เลยเสนอว่าเขาน่าจะมีเรือสักลำ เราเลยลงไปดูที่แผนกเรือ แล้วก็ขายเรือ Chris เครื่องยนต์คู่ให้ เขา

แล้วเขาก็บอกว่า สงสัยรถ Honda Civic ของเขาคงจะลากเรือลำนี้ไม่ไหว ฉาน เลยพาเขาลงไป ที่แผนกรถยนต์แล้วก็ขาย Pajero 4X4 ให้เขาไปได้อีกคันครับ "

ผู้จัดการถามว่า " หมายความว่า มีชายคนนึงมาที่นี่เพื่อที่จะซื้อขอเบ็ด อันเดียว แต่ท่านขายเรือกับรถกระบะให้เค้าได้งั้นเหรอ ? "


แขกบ้าก็ตอบว่า " โอ้ โนๆๆๆ อีนี้เปล่าครับ เปล่า มันแค่มาซื้อโกเต็กซ์ให้เมีย แต่อีนี้ฉาน เลยบอกมันว่า ถ้างั้นไหนๆสุดสัปดาห์นี้ก็สกรูอัพไปแล้ว ยังไง นายก็ไม่ได้อึ๊บกะเมีย แน่ๆ ดังนั้น อีนี้ อย่าช้า ไปตกปลาดีกว่ามั้ง "


 
โดยคุณ Dr.Pongsarn - intania61.com  ศุกร์ที่ 12 มี.ค. 47 (10:18 น.) 

หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 15 มกราคม, 2005, 10:35:55 PM


แผนเด็ดเพื่อขึ้นสวรรค์
 

ฮิปปี้ผมยาวกระเถิบเข้านั่งประกบแม่ชีในที่นั่งแถวหน้าสุด

พอรถเมล์ปลอดผู้โดยสาร เจ้าหนุ่มก็ชวนดื้อๆ
“เราไปหาที่เงียบๆ ขึ้นสวรรค์กันเถอะ”

แม่ชีสั่นหน้าปฏิเสธ แล้วรีบลงเมื่อถึงป้ายถัดมา

พนักงานขับรถได้ยินเหตุการณ์โดยตลอด พอรถแล่นออกจากป้ายจึงหันไปพูดกับฮิปปี้

“ ถ้านายสนแม่ชีคนนี้จริง ๆ ชั้นจะบอกให้ ว่าทำไงถึงจะได้เผด็จศึก”


เจ้าหนุ่มผมยาวตอบว่า ทำไมจะไม่สนล่ะ

พนักงานขับรถจึงแนะว่า

“ ทุกวันอังคารตอนเที่ยงคืน แม่ชีคนนี้จะไปสวดขอพรพระเจ้า ที่สุสานประจำเมืองไม่เคยขาด ถ้านายหาผ้ามาคลุมทำทีสวมรอยเป็นพระเจ้า นายจะสั่งอะไร แม่ชีก็ต้องยอมทั้งนั้น”

คนขับช่วยวางแผนให้เสร็จสรรพ


ครั้นถึงเวลาที่ว่า เจ้าฮิปปี้ก็แต่งองค์ทรงเครื่อง สวมหน้ากากพระเจ้า ไปดักซุ่มรอเหยื่ออยู่หลังต้นไม้

ทันใดนั้น แม่ชีปรากฎตัวเดินใกล้เข้ามา แล้วหยุดยืนสวดมนต์พึมพำ

ฮิปปี้กระโดดออก จากที่ซ่อน

“ ข้าคือพระเจ้า ข้าได้ยืนคำขอของเจ้าแล้วเจ้าจะได้ทุกสิ่งทุกอย่าง ตามประสงค์ แต่เจ้าต้องขึ้นสวรรค์กับข้าก่อน”


แม่ชียินยอมโดยดี แต่เกี่ยงงอนนิดหน่อยว่า

“เพื่อเห็นแก่พรหมจรรย์ของลูก ได้โปรดละเว้นประตูหน้าเถอะนะเจ้าคะ”


พระเจ้าฟังก็ไม่ขัดข้อง หลังจากเสร็จสมอารมณ์หมาย

เจ้าฮิปปี้ก็ถอดหน้ากากออก พลางตะโกนว่า

“ ฮ่า ฮ่า ผมคือฮิปปี้คนนั้นไง”


แม่ชีถอดหน้ากากมั่ง แล้วตะโกนดังกว่า




“ฮ่า ฮ่า อั๊วะ คนขับรถเมล์เฟ้ย ”




 


 
Computer Women  


A .. HARD-DISK Woman : She remembers everything you say and do,FOREVER.!!!


B... WINDOWS Woman : Everyone knows that she can't do anything right, but you can't live without her.


C... EXCEL Woman : They say she can do a lot of things but you mostly use her for only four of your basic needs.


D... SCREENSAVER Woman : She is good for nothing functional, but at least she is exciting, colourful, and lots of fun!


E... INTERNET Woman : Difficult to access and hard to keep running.!!!


F... SERVER Woman : Claims to be available to you, but Always busy when you need her.


G... MULTIMEDIA Woman : She has a way of making horrible things look very beautiful.


H... CD-ROM Woman : She always has you on the move, going faster and faster.!!!


I... E-MAIL Woman : Out of Every ten things she says, eight are plain nonsense.


J... VIRUS Woman : Also known as "WIFE"; when you are least expecting her, she shows up, installs herself, and starts gobbling up all your resources. If you try to uninstall her, you will lose almost every thing. If you don't try to uninstall her, you will still have nothing.

 
โดยคุณ Jokesmonster  พฤหัสบดีที่ 3 มิ.ย. 47 (14:50 น.) 
 
หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 15 มกราคม, 2005, 10:37:26 PM

This one ... a little bit rude ...


A lady was in the delivery room starting to deliver her baby. As the head came out it was dark and had an afro.

The doctor said, "Madam, have you ever slept with a black man?"

"Well, yes, but only once."

"Once is all it takes" he replied.



Then the torso came out and it was yellow.

"Madam, have you ever slept with an oriental man?"

"Well, yes" she said, "but only once."

"Once is all it takes," he said.


When the legs came out they were red. The doctor asked her if she had ever slept with an Indian.

"Well, yes" she said, "but only once."

"Once is all it takes," he said.


He finally pulled the baby all the way out and held it upside down and slapped its bottom to make it cry.


As it started to cry the woman exclaimed




"Oh, thank God, at least it doesn't bark!"


 




Mongolian VD
 

An American tourist goes on a trip to China. While in China, he is very sexually promiscuous and does not take any precautions. A week after arriving back home he awakens one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see his doctor.

The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results. The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, "I've got bad news for you. You've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it."

The man looks a little relieved and says, "Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up doc."

The doctor answers, "I'm sorry, there's no known cure other than to amputate your penis."

The man screams in horror, "Oh no! I want a second opinion!"

The doctor replies, "Well it's your choice. Go ahead if you want, but surgery is your only choice."



The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, "Ah yes, Mongolian VD. Very rare disease."

The guy says to the doctor, "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can you do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!"

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs, "Stupid American doctor! American doctor, always want to operate. Make more money, that way."


"Then there's no need to operate? Oh, thank God!" the man replies.


"Yes!" says the Chinese doctor,



"You no worry! Wait two weeks, it fall off by itself!"


 
โดยคุณ Jokesmonster� พฤหัสบดีที่ 3 มิ.ย. 47 (21:48 น.)


 
หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 15 มกราคม, 2005, 10:39:07 PM

Sex Drive  

"You're in remarkable shape for a man your age," said the doctor to the ninety-year old man after the examination.

"I know it," said the old gentleman. "I've really got only one complaint-my sex drive is too high. Got anything you can do for that, Doc?"


The doctor's mouth dropped open. "Your what?!" he gasped.


"My sex drive," said the old man. "It's too high, and I'd like to have you lower it if you can."


"Lower it?!" exclaimed the doctor, still unable to believe what the ninety-year old gentleman was saying. "Just what do you consider 'high'?"


"These days it seems like it's all in my head, Doc," said the old man,



"and I'd like to have you lower it a couple of feet if you can."

 



A Real Ball Buster  


"Doc," says Steve, "I want to be castrated."

"What on earth for?" asks the doctor in amazement.

"It's something I've been thinking about for a long time and I want to have it done" replies Steve.

"But have you thought it through properly?" asks the doctor, "It's a very serious operation and once it's done, there's no going back. It will change your life forever!"

"I'm aware of that and you're not going to change my mind -- either you book me in to be castrated or I'll simply go to another doctor."

"Well, OK.", says the doctor, "But it's against my better judgment!"



So Steve has his operation, and the next day he is up and walking very slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor with his drip stand. Heading towards him is another patient, who is walking exactly the same way.


"Hi there," says Steve,"It looks as if you've just had the same operation as me."


"Well," said the patient, "I finally decided after 37 years of life that I would like to be circumcised."



Steve stared at him in horror and screamed,



"Shit! THAT'S the word!”





 
 
หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 15 มกราคม, 2005, 10:40:47 PM


Headache  


The Doctor said: "The good news is I can cure your headaches...The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."


Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.


When he left the hospital, he was headache free for the first time in over 20 years, but he felt as if he was missing an important part of himself.

As he walked down the street he realized he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need, a new suit."



The elderly salesman e+++ him quickly and said, "Let's see, you're a size 44 long."


Joe laughed and said, "That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years!"



Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the tailor asked, "How about a new shirt?"

Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."

"Let's see, 16 and a half neck, 34 sleeve."

Joe was surprised. "How did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years." The shirt fit perfectly.



As Joe looked at himself in the mirror, the salesman said, "You could use new shoes."

Since Joe was on a roll, he said, "Sure."


The man e+++ Joe's feet and said, "9-1/2E."

Joe was astonished. "That's right. How did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years." Joe tried on the shoes and they also fit perfectly.



As Joe walked comfortably around the shop, the salesman asked, "How about new underwear?"


Joe thought for a second and said, "Why not."

The man stepped back, e+++ Joe's waist and said, "Let's see, size 36."


Joe laughed. "Finally I've got you! I've worn size 32 since I was 18 years old."



The tailor shook his head. "You can't wear a size 32. Size 32 underwear would press your testicles against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

 

โดยคุณ Jokesmonster  ศุกร์ที่ 4 มิ.ย. 47 (20:59 น.)
 

 


  เด็กสาวอายุ 17 คนหนึ่งซึ่งเป็นคนที่หน้าตาดีมาก จึงทำให้มีชายหนุ่มจำนวนมากที่เข้ามาจีบเธอ เธอรู้สึกกลัวว่า ผู้ชายที่เข้ามาหาเธอนั้นต้องการที่จะมีอะไรกับเธอ เธอจึงตัดสินใจไปปรึกษาแม่ของเธอ แม่ของเธอจึงให้คำแนะนำกับเธอว่า

" ไม่ต้องกลัวลูก ต่อไปนะ ถ้ามีผู้ชายคนไหนพยายามจะทำอะไรลูก ให้ถาม เขาไปว่า ' จะตั้งชื่อลูกของเราว่าอะไรดี ' นั่นจะทำให้ทุกคนกลัว "


หลังจากนั้น เธอก็ได้ไปที่งานปาร์ตี้ มีผู้ชายที่เข้ามาเต้นรำกับเธอ และเขาก็เริ่มจูบและกอดเธอ เธอจึงกระซิบ ถามเขาไปว่า " เราจะตั้งชื่อลูกของเราว่าอะไรดี "

ชายหนุ่มรีบหาข้อแก้ตัว และเขาก็หายไปเลย


หลังจากนั้น ก็มีเรื่องอย่างนี้เกิดขึ้นอีก มีผู้ชายเข้ามารู้จักกับเธอ แล้วเขาจูบที่คอเธอ และไล่ลงมาที่ไหล่ เธอหยุดเขา และถามเขาถึงเรื่องชื่อลูกอีก เขาก็หนีไปเลย



ต่อมา เธอได้รู้จักกับผู้ชายอีกคนหนึ่ง เขาชวนเธอไปที่บ้าน

จากนั้นไม่นานเขาก็เริ่มจูบเธอ เธอก็ถามไปทันทีว่า " เราจะตั้งชื่อลูกของเราว่าอะไรดี "

แต่เขายังคงค่อย ๆ จูบเธอต่อไป "จะตั้งชื่อลูกของเราว่าอะไรดี " เธอถามซ้ำ

แต่ไม่มีท่าทีว่าเขาจะสนใจ และเขาก็ค่อย ๆ ถอดเสื้อผ้าเธอ

" จะตั้งชื่อลูกของเราว่าอะไร " เธอตะโกนถาม


เขาก็เริ่มมีเซ็กส์กับเธอทันที

เมื่อเสร็จสิ้นภาระกิจ เธอไม่รู้จะทำอย่างไรดี

จึงถามคำถามเดิมซ้ำไปอีกที

เขาถอด condom ออกเรียบร้อย แล้วจึงตอบว่า


" ถ้ามันรอดจากไอ้นี่มาได้ ก็เรียกมันว่า David Copperfield ก็แล้วกัน "


 
โดยคุณ Jokesmonster  อังคารที่ 15 มิ.ย. 47 (21:40 น.)
 
หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 15 มกราคม, 2005, 10:41:57 PM
Good Laugh


During a trial, in a small Missouri town, the local prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand.

She was sworn in, asked if she would tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, on the Bible, so help her God.

The witness was a proper well-dressed elderly lady, the Grandmother type, well spoken and poised.


The prosecuting attorney approached the woman and asked,
"Mrs. Jones, do you know me?'"

She responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, cheat on your wife, manipulate people and talk badly about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the sense to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper-pushing shyster." "Yes, I know you quite well."



The lawyer was stunned. He couldn't even think for a few minutes. Then, he slowly backed away, fearing the looks on the judge and jurors' faces, not to mention the court reporter who documented every word.


Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked,

"Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"


She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster too. He's lazy, bigoted, has a bad drinking problem. The man can't build or keep a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. Yes, I know him!"


The defense attorney almost fainted and was seen slipping downward in his chair, looking at the floor.

Laughter mixed with gasps, thundered throughout the courtroom and the audience was on the verge of chaos.


At this point, the judge brought the courtroom to silence, called both counselors to the bench, and in a very quiet voice said,


" If either of you morons asks her if she knows me, you're going to jail."


 



A famous heart specialist doctor died and everyone was gathered at his funeral. A regular coffin was displa+++ in front of a huge heart.

When the minister finished with the sermon and after everyone said their good-byes, the heart was opened, the coffin rolled inside, and the heart closed.

Just at that moment one of the mourners started laughing.

The guy next to him asked: "Why are you laughing?"

"I was thinking about my own funeral" the man replied.

"What's so funny about that?"

"I'm a gynecologist . "


 
โดยคุณ Jokesmonster� เสาร์ที่ 21 ส.ค. 47 (14:55 น.)
 
หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 15 มกราคม, 2005, 10:44:04 PM
Dear Employee:

As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for department areas, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel.


Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future. Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately.


This program will be known as SLAP (Sever Late-Aged Personnel). Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the company.


SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This review phase of the program is called SCREW.


SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers). All employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with upper management.


This appeal is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination).


Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate.


If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled to get: HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance) or CLAP (Combined Lump sum Assistance Payment).


As HERPES and CLAP are considered benefit plans, any employee who has received HERPES or CLAP will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the company.


Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that the company will continue its policy of training employees through our:


Special High Intensity Training (SHIT). We take pride in the amount of SHIT our employees receive. We have given our employees more SHIT than any company in this area. If any employee feels they do not receive enough SHIT on the job, see your immediate supervisor.


Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure you receive all the SHIT you can stand.


And, once again, thanks for all your years of service with us.

 



An old couple were sitting in their living room on a Sunday morning watching a religious program.


The preacher on this show would go to all the people in the audience and asking them what they wanted fixed, then he would have them cover the part of their body they wanted fixed.


Many of the people were elderly so they were covering their eyes and hearts. Then the preacher said "Ok now for you at home put your hand on the part of your body you want fixed and say this prayer with me."


So the little old lady put her hand on her heart, because she had a very bad heart. And the little old man put his hands on his crotch.


The little old lady turned to her husband and said



"He said he could heal the sick, not raise the dead!"  

 

โดยคุณ Jokesmonster� เสาร์ที่ 21 ส.ค. 47 (21:30 น.)�
 





The Blonde at School

Day1:

A blonde comes home from school and says to her mum,"We learned how to count up to 5 today mummy. I got up to 10. Is it because I'm blonde, mummy?"

Mum replies: "yes dear"


Day 2:

"We learned how to do the alphabet today mummy. The others only got up to E and I got up to S. Is it because I'm blonde, mummy?"

Mum replies: "yes dear"


Day 3:

"We learned about breasts today mummy. All the other girls are flat chested and I'm a 36DD. Is it because I'm blonde, mummy?"


Mum replies: "No dear, it's because your 25."



หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 18 มกราคม, 2005, 03:04:31 PM
From http://www.jokesgallery.com/


 Maths And Logic  


There are two nuns. One of them is known as Sister Mathematical (SM) and the other one is known as Sister Logical (SL). It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.


SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.


SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most.What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
 

SM: It's not working

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster too.


SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.



So the man decided to follow Sister Logical. Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried what has happened to Sister Logical.

Then Sister Logical arrives...



SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me.


SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.


SM: And?

SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.


SM: What did you do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.


SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.



SM: Oh, no! What happened then?



SL: � Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down........  



(And those of you who thought it would be a dirty ending, Pray for forgiveness you heathens!)  � ;)






Doctor's Love  

One night a man and a woman are both at a bar knocking back a few beers. They start talking and come to realize that they're both doctors. After about an hour, the man says to the woman,

"Hey. How about if we sleep together tonight. No strings attached. It'll just be one night of fun."

The woman doctor agrees to it. So they go back to her place and he goes in the bedroom. She goes in the bathroom and starts scrubbing up like she's about to go into the operating room. She scrubs for a good 10 minutes. Finally she goes in the bedroom and they have sex for an hour or so.

Afterwards, the man says to the woman, "You're a surgeon, aren't you?"

"Yeah, how did you know?" The man says, "I could tell by the way you scrubbed up before we started."

"Oh, that makes sense", says the woman.

" You're an anesthesiologist aren't you?"

"Yeah", says the man , a bit surprised. "How did you know?"


The woman answers, " Because I didn't feel a thing."  



หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 18 มกราคม, 2005, 09:27:58 PM
From http://www.jokesgallery.com/  (http://www.jokesgallery.com/)



Cannibals Meal

Two cannibals, a father and son, were elected by the tribe to go out and get something to eat. They walked deep into the jungle and waited by a path.


Before long, along came this little old man. The son said, "Ooh dad, there's one."

"No," said the father. "There's not enough meat on that one to even feed the dogs. We'll just wait."



Well, a little while later, along came this really fat man. The son said, "Hey dad, he's plenty big enough."

"No," the father said. "We'd all die of a heart attack from the fat in that one. We'll just wait."



About an hour later, here comes this absolutely gorgeous woman.

The son said, "Now there's nothing wrong with that one dad. Let's eat her."



"No," said the father. "We'll not eat her either."

"Why not?" asked the son.



"Because, we're going to take her back alive and eat your mother."





Visit To Rome

A man walked in to Joe's Barber Shop for his regular haircut. As he snips away, Joe asks "What's up?"
The man proceeds to explain he's taking a vacation to Rome.

"ROME?!" Joe says, "Why would you want to go there? It's a crowded dirty city full of Italians! You'd be crazy to go to Rome! So how ya getting there?"

"We're taking TWA," the man replies.

"TWA?!" yells Joe. "They're a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly and they're always late! So where you staying in Rome?"

The man says "We'll be at the downtown International Marriot."

"That DUMP?!" says Joe. "That's the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly and slow and they're overpriced! So whatcha doing when you get there?"

The man says "We're going to go see the Vatican and hope to see the Pope."

"HA! That's rich!" laughs Joe. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on THIS trip. You're going to need it!"

A month later, the man comes in for his regular haircut. Joe says, "Well, how did that trip to Rome turn out? Betcha TWA gave you the worst flight of your life!"

"No, quite the opposite" explained the man. "Not only were we on time in one of their brand new planes, but it was full and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28 year old flight attendant who waited on me hand and foot!"

"Hmmm," Joe says, "Well, I bet the hotel was just like I described."

"No, quite the opposite! They'd just finished a $25 million remodeling. It's the finest hotel in Rome, now. They were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the Presidential suite for no extra charge!"

"Well," Joe mumbles, "I KNOW you didn't get to see the Pope!"

"Actually, we were quite lucky. As we toured the Vatican, a Swiss guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained the Pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into this private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, after 5 minutes the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand. I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me."

Impressed, Joe asks, "Tell me, please! What'd he say?"

"Oh, not much really. Just


"Where'd you get that awful haircut?"  

หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: WK ที่ 18 มกราคม, 2005, 09:31:41 PM
 :D :D :D มึนเลยเรา :D :D :D
หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 18 มกราคม, 2005, 09:35:59 PM
From http://www.jokesgallery.com/  (http://www.jokesgallery.com/)


Vatican Debate


Several centuries ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave the Vatican. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jewish community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Jewish community. If the Jew won, the Jews could stay. If the Pope won, the Jews would leave. The Jews realized that they had no choice. So they picked an elderly aged man named Moishe to represent them. Rabbi Moishe's Latin wasn't very good - in fact, he knew very little--but he was a man of great faith and well respected in the Jewish community. The pope agreed. What could be easier than a silent debate?


The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple. The Pope stood up and said,

"I give up. This man is too good. The Jews can stay."



An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what happened.

The Pope said: "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions.

Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground and showing that God was also right here with us.

I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do? "



Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe. "What happened?" they asked.

"Well," said Moishe, "First he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving.

Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here."

"And then?" asked a woman.


"I don't know," said Moishe.



"He took out his lunch and I took out mine."  






Landing Announcement


The jumbo jet is just coming into Pearson Airport in Toronto on its final approach.


The pilot comes on over the intercom and says,

"Ladies and gentlemen. This is Capt. Johnson speaking. We're on our final descent into Toronto. I want to thank you for flying with us today, and I hope you enjoy your stay in Toronto."


Unknowingly, the pilot forgets to switch off the intercom and the entire plane can now hear the conversation in the cockpit.

The co-pilot says to the pilot, "Well, Captain, what are you gonna do here in Toronto?"


By now, all ears in the plane are listening in to this conversation.

"Well," says the Captain, "First, I'm gonna check into the hotel and take a nice, long crap. Then I'm gonna take that new stewardess out for supper. You know, the cute one with the huge tits. I'm gonna wine and dine her, then take her back to my room, and then I'm gonna make love to her all night long."



Everyone in the plane is trying to get a look at the new stewardess.

She's so embarrassed, she runs from the back of the plane to get to the cockpit to turn the intercom off.

Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and down she goes, flat on her face.



The old lady leans over to her and says calmly,



"No need to run, dear. He said he's gotta take a shit first!"


หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 18 มกราคม, 2005, 09:40:06 PM
From http://www.jokesgallery.com/  (http://www.jokesgallery.com/)



GI Insurance

Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.

It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones was having a staggeringly high success-rate, selling insurance to nearly 100% of the recruits he advised.

Rather than asking him about this, the Captain stood at the back of the room and listened to Jones' sales pitch.

Jones explained the basics of GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said,

"If you are killed in a battle and have a GI Insurance, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. But, if you don't have a GI insurance and get killed in the battle, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000."



"Now," he concluded, "which group do YOU think they are going to send into battle first?"






Brave Captain

Once upon a time, there was an officer of the Royal Navy named Captain Bravado who showed no fear when facing his enemies. One day, while sailing the Seven Seas, his lookout spotted a pirate ship approaching, and the crew became frantic. Captain Bravado bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!"  


The first mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, and while wearing the brightly colored frock, the Captain led his crew into battle and defeated the mighty pirates. That evening, all the men sat around on deck recounting the triumph of earlier. One of them asked the Captain, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before battle?"


The Captain replied, "If I were to be wounded in the attack, the shirt would not show my blood. Thus, you men would continue to fight, unafraid."

All of the men sat and marveled at the courage of such a manly man's man. As dawn came the next morning, the lookout spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirate ships approaching. The crew stared in worshipful silence at the Captain and waited for his usual orders.


Captain Bravado gazed with steely eyes upon the vast armada arrayed against his ship, and without fear, turned and calmly shouted,


"Get me my brown pants."  




หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 18 มกราคม, 2005, 09:51:00 PM
From http://www.jokesgallery.com/  (http://www.jokesgallery.com/)


Magical Wish

One day, down in the mystical forest, a magical frog was hopping towards a water hole. The forest was so enormous that the frog had never laid eyes on another animal before. But today, by chance a bear was chasing after a rabbit to have for dinner.


The frog called for the two to stop and said,

"Because you are the only two animals I have seen, I will grant both of you three wishes. Bear, you can go first."


The bear thought for a moment, and being the male he was, said, "I wish for all the bears in this forest, apart from me, to be female."  


For his wish, the rabbit asked for a crash helmet, and immediately put it on. The bear was amazed at the stupidity of the rabbit, wasting his wish like that.


It was the bear's second turn for a wish. "Well, I wish that all the bears in the next forest were female as well."  


The rabbit asked for a motorcycle  and immediately hopped on it and roared the engine. The bear was shocked that the rabbit was asking for such idiotic items, because after all, he could have asked for money and bought the bike.


For the last wish the bear thought for a while and then said, "I wish that all the bears in the world, apart from me, were female."  



The rabbit grinned, roared the engine, and said,


"I wish that the bear was gay." � :)� �;)� �;D






หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 19 มกราคม, 2005, 10:24:00 AM

Water Melons  


There was a farmer who grew watermelons. He was doing pretty well, but he was disturbed by some local kids who would sneak into his watermelon patch at night and eat his watermelons.

After some careful thought, he came up with a clever idea that he thought would scare the kids away for sure.

He made up a sign and posted it in the field. The next night, the kids showed up and they saw the sign which read,

" Warning! One of the watermelons in this field has been injected with cyanide."  



The kids ran off, made up their own sign and posted it next to the farmer's sign. When the farmer returned, he surveyed the field. He noticed that no watermelons were missing, but the sign next to his read,


" Now there are two ! "









From http://www.jokesgallery.com/  (http://www.jokesgallery.com/)


Sam The Man

Sam has been in the computer business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Vermont as far from humanity as possible. Sam sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, he's finishing dinner when someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a big, bearded Vermonter standing there.



"Name's Enoch... Your neighbor from four miles over the ridge... Having a party Saturday... Thought you'd like to come."

"Great," says Sam, "after six months of this I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."

 

As Enoch is leaving he stops, "Gotta warn you there's gonna be some drinkin'."

"Not a problem... After 25 years in the computer business, I can drink with the best of 'em."

 

Again, as he starts to leave Enoch stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too."

"Damn", Sam thinks... "Tough crowd." "Well, I get along with people. I'll be there. Thanks again."



Once again Enoch turns from the door. "I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too."

"Now that's not a problem" says Sam, "Remember I've been alone for six months! I'll definitely be there... By the way, what should I wear?"



Enoch stops in the door again and says,


 " Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us.  "




หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 19 มกราคม, 2005, 10:50:39 PM
Wedding fight  
 
 
A wedding occurred, just outside Cavan in Ireland.

To keep tradition going, everyone got drunk and the bride's and groom's families had a storming row and began wrecking the reception room and generally kicking the crap out of each other.

The Police got called in to break up the fight. The following week, all members of both families appeared in court.

The fight continued in the court room until the Judge finally brought calm with the use of his hammer, shouting "Silence in Court!"


The court room went silent and Paddy (the best man) stood up and said,

"Judge.. I was the best man at the wedding and I think I should explain what happened." The Judge agreed and asked Paddy to take the stand.



Paddy began his explanation by telling the court that it is traditional in a Cavan wedding that the Best Man gets the first dance with the Bride.


"Well", continued Paddy, "After I had finished the first dance, the music kept going, so I continued dancing to the second song, and after that the music kept going and I was dancing to the third song, when all of a sudden the Groom leaped over the table, ran towards us, and gave the Bride an unmerciful kick in her privates."


The Judge instantly responded: "God.. that must have hurt!"



Paddy replied, "HURT ?? It broke 3 of my fingers!!!"
 









Don't Press That Button ....

 
A man traveling by plane and in urgent need to use the mens room is nervously tapping his foot on the floor of the aircraft. Each time he tried the mensroom door, it was "OCCUPIED".


The stewardess, aware of his predicament suggested that he go ahead and use the ladies room, but cautioned him against using any of the buttons inside. The buttons were marked " WW, WA, PP and ATR ".


Making the mistake that so many men make in disregarding the importance of what a woman says, the man let his curiosity get the best of him and decided to try the buttons anyway.


He carefully pressed the first button marked "WW" and immedately warm water  sprayed all over his entire bottom. He thought, "WOW, the women really have it made!".


Still curious, he pressed the button marked "WA" and a gentle breeze of warm air  quickly dried his hind quarters. He thought that was out of this world!


The button marked "PP" yielded a large powder puff  which delicately applied a soft talc to his rear.



Well, naturally he couldn't resist the last button marked "ATR".


When he woke up in the hospital he panicked and buzzed for the nurse. When she appeared, he cried out, "What happened to me?! The last thing I remember is I was in the ladies room on a business trip!"


The nurse replied,

"Yes, you were having a great time until you pressed the "ATR" button, which stands for Automatic Tampon Remover ........

 Your p*n*s is under your pillow."    :P




http://www.htg2.net/index.php?topic=3397.0

 
วันหนึ่ง สมชายเกิดปวดท้องขนาดหนัก จึงรีบวิ่งตรงเข้าห้องน้ำสาธารณะ
แต่.. โชคไม่เข้าข้าง เพราะทุกห้องเต็มเหยียด
แถมไม่มีทีท่าว่าใครจะออกมา
หลังจากที่เขาเดินกระวนกระวายอยู่หลายนาที
เผอิญมีหญิงสาวคนหนึ่งสังเกตเห็นเข้า
และเดาได้ว่าสมชายกำลังกลัดกลุ้มกับปัญหาทุกข์หนักเช่นใด
ญิงสาวจึงตรงเข้ามาหาและพูดด้วยความเห็นใจว่า

...คุณคะ ๆ ห้องน้ำหญิงว่างอยู่ค่ะ...
..แต่ว่า…อ่า… สมชายยังมีอาการลังเล
..เถอะค่ะ.. ฉันเห็นใจ ฉันยินดีจะเฝ้าให้ ถ้าคุณยอมสัญญากับฉัน 3 ข้อ
หญิงสาวยื่นเงื่อนไข

...ครับ ๆ ๆ ๆ…ผมตกลง สัญญาอะไรบ้างครับ

สมชายรับปากด้วยความเต็มใจยิ่ง
เนื่องจากอะไรต่อมิอะไรในลำไส้ใกล้ระเบิดออกมาให้ขายขี้หน้าอยู่รอมร่อ

..ข้อแรก คุณต้องรีบใช้ห้องน้ำให้เร็วที่สุดในระหว่างที่ฉันเฝ้าให้
เพราะฉันอยู่เฝ้าได้ไม่นาน
เดี๋ยวอาจจะมีสุภาพสตรีที่ต้องการใช้ห้องน้ำมาที่นี่
แล้วเธออาจจะตกใจได้ถ้าเจอคุณอยู่ในนั้น” หญิงสาวเอ่ยขอคำสัญญาข้อแรก
..อูยยย…เร็ว ๆ ครับ รีบบอกข้อ 2 ข้อ 3 มาด่วนเลย..

..ข้อ 2 คุณต้องรักษาความสะอาด ห้ามทำให้เลอะเทอะสกปรกเด็ดขาด
พวกผู้ชายน่ะ ชอบทำห้องน้ำสกปรก

..ข้อ 3 ต่อเลยครับ เร็ว ๆ ๆ ๆ

..ข้อสุดท้ายสำคัญที่สุด.. คุณต้องสัญญาว่า ห้ามกดปุ่มใด ๆ
..ทั้งสิ้นในห้องน้ำหญิง นอกเหนือจากปุ่มชักโครก

คำสัญญาข้อสุดท้าย.. แม้จะทำสมชายค่อนข้างงง
ทำนองไม่เข้าใจว่าจะมีปุ่มอะไรในห้องน้ำหญิงนักหนา
แต่เขาก็รับคำเนื่องจากปวดท้องจนทนไม่ไหว

ว่าแล้วสมชายก็วิ่งพรวดเข้าไปในห้องน้ำ หลังปลดทุกข์อันหนักหน่วง
เขาจึงมีโอกาสได้พิจารณาห้องเล็ก ๆ โดยรอบ

ซึ่งพบว่าไม่มีอะไรต่างจากห้องน้ำชายสักเท่าไร เว้นแต่..
ปุ่มแปลกประหลาดจำนวน 3 ปุ่ม สีเขียว สีฟ้า
และสีแดงอยู่ที่ผนังห้องน้ำ!

แถมปรากฏอักษรย่อ ..น.อ... ที่ปุ่มสีเขียว ..พ.ล.... ที่ปุ่มสีฟ้า และ
..ด.ผ.อ.น.ม. ที่ปุ่มสีแดง

สมชายเริ่มเกิดความอยากรู้อยากเห็น เพราะห้องน้ำชายไม่ยักมีปุ่มพวกนี้

เขาจึงอดไม่ได้ที่จะละเมิดคำสัญญาลองกดปุ่มแรกที่เขียนว่า ..น.อ.

ทันใด.. สิ่งน่าประหลาดใจก็เกิดขึ้น

เมื่อปรากฏมีสายน้ำอุ่นพุ่งขึ้นฉีดล้างทำความสะอาดบั้นท้ายเขาอย่างนุ่มนวล

แผ่วเบา และอุ่นสบาย สมชายจึงรู้ว่า ที่แท้ ..น.อ. ย่อมาจากน้ำอุ่น!

ขณะนึกอิจฉาอุปกรณ์อำนวยความสะดวกในห้องน้ำหญิง เขาก็อดใจไม่ไหว
ต้องลองกดปุ่มที่สองที่เขียนว่า พ.ล.
ทันใดนั้น.. ก็มีสายลมพัดพุ่งตรงใส่บั้นท้ายเขา
เป่าให้แห้งอย่างนุ่มนวล แผ่วเบา และอุ่นสบายเช่นเคย

ทีนี้ สมชายจึงเข้าใจกระจ่างว่า พ.ล. แปลว่าพัดลม!

เมื่อสมชายเห็นความอัศจรรย์สุดยอดของบริการทันสมัยไปสองปุ่มแล้ว

เขาอดไม่ได้ที่จะลองกดปุ่มสุดท้ายที่กำกับด้วยอักษรย่อยาวที่สุดว่า
.. ด.ผ.อ.น.ม... พลางนึกว่าปุ่มนี้น่าจะเป็นทีเด็ดสุดยอด

เหตุการณ์ทุกอย่างเกิดขึ้นอย่างรวดเร็วราวสายฟ้าแล่บ
กว่าสมชายจะรู้ตัวอีกที ก็ตอนได้สติที่โรงพยาบาล

ทันทีที่ลืมตาขึ้น เขารีบถามพยาบาลที่อยู่ตรงหน้าทันทีว่า…
..นี่มันที่ไหนกัน ผมอยู่ที่ไหนเนี่ย เกิดอะไรขึ้น
ผมจำได้ว่าผมเข้าไปใช้บริการที่ห้องน้ำหญิง แล้วผมมาอยู่นี่ได้ไง..


..ตอนนี้คุณอยู่ที่โรงพยาบาลค่ะ
ที่คุณต้องมาอยู่นี่ก็เพราะคุณไปกดปุ่มสีแดงเข้าน่ะนะคะ..
เมื่อเห็นสมชายทำหน้างง พยาบาลสาวนางนั้นจึงเฉลยว่า

..ปุ่มสีแดงที่มีอักษรย่อว่า ด.ผ.อ.น.ม. หมายถึง ..ดึงผ้าอนามัย..
ไงคะ… ฉันต้องแสดงความเสียใจด้วย เพราะคุณหมอต่อให้คุณไม่สำเร็จค่ะ

เครื่องมันจัดการดึงแล้วยัดลงชักโครกไปแล้วล่ะนะคะ!

หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 21 มกราคม, 2005, 09:45:24 AM
from http://www.free-dirty-jokes.net


Three Nuns


Three nuns decided to quit so they went to the Mother Superior and said, "We don't want to be nuns anymore; how do we quit?"

The mother told them, "Do something unholy and come back here in 24 hours."



So the nuns left, each of them thinking, " What can I do that's unholy ? "



The next day they went to the mother one at a time.


The mother said to the first nun, "What unholy thing did you do?"

And the nun said "I stole a kid's bike."

The mother said, "I guess that will do, go drink some holy water."

When the nun did, she was no longer a nun and she left the convent.



The second nun walked in and the mother said, "What unholy thing did you do?"

The nun replied, "I slept with a married man!"

The mother said, "Well, that's sinning. Go drink holy water."



The third nun walked in and the mother said, "What unholy thing did you do?"

The third nun said proudly,




" I pissed in the holy water! "






A Small P*n*s  

Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor. With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health they were concerned about his rather small p*n*s.


After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, "Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem."


The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.


"Gee, Mom," he exclaimed. "For me?"

"Just take two," mom replied,




" The rest are for your father."


หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 22 มกราคม, 2005, 03:24:30 PM
Big Feet


A lady went into a bar in Waco and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. He had on the biggest boots she'd ever seen! The woman asked the cowboy,

"Is it true what they say about men with big feet?"



The cowboy grinned and said, "Shore is, little lady! Why don't ya come on out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?"



The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him. The next morning she handed him a $100 bill.

Blushing, he said, "Well, thankee, ma'am. Ah'm real flattered. Ain't nobody ever paid me fer mah services before."



The woman replied, " Don't be flattered. Take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit."







The Boat that Sank


Joe and John were identical twins.� Joe owned an old dilapidated boat and kept pretty much to himself.

One day he rented out his boat to a group of out-of-staters who ended up sinking it.


He spent all day trying to salvage as much stuff as he could from the sunken vessel and was out of touch all that day and most of the evening.


Unbeknownst to him, his brother John's wife had died suddenly in his absence.� When he got back on shore he went into town to pick up a few things at the grocery.


A kind old woman there mistook him for John and said,

"I'm so sorry for your loss. You must feel terrible."



Joe, thinking she was talking about his boat said, "Hell no! Fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her."

"She was a rotten old thing from the beginning."

"Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish."

"She was always holding water. She had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too."

"Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy."

"I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to those four guys looking for a good time."

"I warned them that she wasn't very good and that she smelled bad, but they wanted her anyway."

"The damn fools tried to get in her all at one time and she split right up the middle."


The old woman fainted.


หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 29 มกราคม, 2005, 08:50:54 AM
From http://www.free-dirty-jokes.net/


At the Golf Course


Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a chap carrying a golf bag called out to them,

"Do you mind if join you? My partner didn't turn up."

"Sure," they said, "You're welcome."


So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?"

"I'm a hit man," was the reply.



"You're joking!" was the response.

"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are my tools."

"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here."



So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.

"Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window. Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked! What's that?... Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her. He's naked as well! ...That bitch!"


He turned to the hitman, "How much do you charge for a hit?"

"I do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger."

"Can you do two for me now?"

"Sure, what do you want?"



"First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth. Then the neighbor, he's a mate of mine, a bit of a lad, so just shoot his d*ck off   to teach him a lesson."



The hitman took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.


"Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently.


"Just wait a moment, be patient," said the hitman calmly,



"I think I can save you a grand ....."






หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 29 มกราคม, 2005, 09:30:20 AM

Golden Urinal


Before the inauguration, George W. was invited to a 'get acquainted' tour of the White House.

After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked President Clinton if he could use his personal bathroom. He was astonished to see that the President had a solid gold urinal !!!


That afternoon, George W. told his wife, Laura, about the urinal. "Just think," he said,

"when I am President, I'll have my own personal gold urinal!"



Later, when Laura had lunch with Hillary at her tour of the White House, she told Hillary how impressed George had been with his discovery of the fact that, in the President's private bathroom, the President had a gold urinal.


That evening, Bill and Hillary were getting ready for bed. Hillary turned to Bill and said,


" Well, I found out who peed in your saxophone."  








Male Virgin


After working for years, a hooker finally retired and, being afraid of spending the rest of her life alone, she decided to marry. She had been with so many perverted men over the years that she felt she needed a change and would only get one by marrying a virgin male near her age.

She took out ads in newspapers around the world seeking a male virgin who was 55 years old. She finally narrowed her choice to an Australian computer programmer.



After a thorough background check, she was satisfied that he had indeed never been with a woman and they were married.

On their wedding night, she went into the bathroom to change into her nightie. When she came back out, she found that her new husband had taken the bed and everything in the room and stacked it in one corner of the room.

Thinking this was rather kinky, she said to her husband. "thought you had never been with a woman."



He replied, "That's true, but if it's anything like screwing a kangaroo, we're going to need all the room we can get"!  





หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 04 กุมภาพันธ์, 2005, 11:14:10 AM

Stuck to the floor


A woman is drying herself after a shower when she suddenly slips over and lands spread-legged on the bathroom floor.


She tries to stand up again but realizes that she landed so hard that her v*gina has stuck to the floor creating such a vacuum that she can't move.


She calls out to her husband for help. He tries with all his strength to lift her up but she won't budge.

So he goes next door and gets the neighbor. Both of them are pulling like oxen but she just won't move. She is truly stuck to the floor.


Suddenly the neighbor says, "Why don't we just get a hammer and break the tiles around her legs and lift her that way?"


"Great idea," says the husband, "But let me rub her boobs a little to arouse her."

"Why?" asks a confused neighbor.



"She'll need the lubrication so I can slide her over into the kitchen. The tiles are cheaper in there."







Not Hungry

A woman asks her husband, "Would you like some bacon and eggs? A slice of toast and maybe some grapefruit and coffee?"


He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."


At lunchtime she asked if he would like something. "A bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?"

He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food."


Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat.

"Would you like a juicy porterhouse steak and scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"

He declines again. "Naw, still not hungry."


"Well," she says,


"would you mind letting me up? I'm starving."  








หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 04 กุมภาพันธ์, 2005, 11:18:50 AM
If I Died...

A wife asks her husband, "Honey, if I died, would you remarry?"

"After a considerable period of grieving, I guess I would.. We all need companionship."



"If I died and you remarried," the wife asks, "would she live in this house?"

"We've spent a lot of money getting this house just the way we want it. I'm not going to get rid of my house. I guess she would."



"If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house," the wife asks, "would she sleep in our bed?"

"Well, the bed is brand new, and it cost us $2,000. It's going to last a long time, so I guess she would."



"If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house and slept in our bed, would she use my golf clubs?"


"Oh, no," the husband replies.



" She's left-handed."







Biblical Love

After a few days on the new Earth, the Lord called to Adam and said,

''It is time for you and Eve to begin the process of populating the earth, so I want you to kiss her.''

Adam answered, ''Yes, Lord, but what is a 'kiss'?''

The Lord gave a brief description to Adam, who took Eve by the hand and took her to a nearby bush. A few minutes later, Adam emerged and said, ''Thank you Lord, that was enjoyable.''

And the Lord replied, ''Yes Adam, I thought you might enjoy that. Now, I'd like you to caress Eve.''
And Adam said, ''What is a 'caress'?''

So, the Lord again gave Adam a brief description and Adam went behind the bush with Eve. Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and said, ''Lord, that was even better than the kiss.''


And the Lord said, ''You've done well Adam. And now, I want you to make love to Eve.'' And Adam asked, ''What is 'make love', Lord?''

So, the Lord again gave Adam directions and Adam went again to Eve behind the bush, but this time he re-appeared in two seconds.

And Adam said,



''Lord, what is a 'headache'?''



หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 04 กุมภาพันธ์, 2005, 11:31:15 AM

Relatively


Einstein climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God.


Looking up, he asks the Lord... "God, what does a million years mean to you?"

The Lord replies, "A minute."


Einstein asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"

The Lord replies, "A penny."


Einstein asks, "Can I have a penny?"


The Lord replies,




"In a minute."  







A test for monks



The head of the monastery wanted to check how strong his priests are in resisting temptetion.

He called 3 of them to his room, and ordered them to put a small bell on their penis.



After that, he went to the first guy, and showed him a picture of a gorgeous naked girl.

"Gling Gling", went the bell, and the head of the monastary was furious: "you call yourself a monk? you are as weak as a baby!".



He went then to the second guy, and showed him a cover of a dirty porn movie.

"Gling Gling", went the bell.

"you are a disgrace! get out of my sight!".



Almost in complete dispair, he went to the thirs guy and showed him a cover of a porn-magazine. There was silent.


"Way to go, son, you are the only man here worth to be call a monk", the head of the monastery said, while putting his hand on him.



"Gling Gling", went the bell.



หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 04 กุมภาพันธ์, 2005, 11:38:41 AM
Dying Preacher

An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his IRS agent and his Lawyer (both church members), to come to his home. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room, the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed.

The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything. Both the IRS agent and Lawyer were touched and flattered that the old preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moment.

They were also puzzled because the preacher had never given any indication that he particularly liked either one of them.


Finally, the Lawyer asked, "Preacher, why did you ask the two of us to come?"


The old preacher mustered up some strength, then said weakly,


"Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go, too."






Improvements in Hell

An engineer died and ended up in Hell. He was not pleased with the level of comfort in Hell, and began to redesign and build improvements. After a while, they had toilets that flush, air conditioning, and escalators. Everyone grew very fond of him.

One day God called to Satan to mock him, "So, how's it going down there in Hell?"


Satan replied, "Hey, things are great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."


God was surprised, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake. He should never have gotten down there in the first place. Send him back up here."


"No way," replied Satan. "I like having an engineer, and I'm keeping him."


God threatened, "Send him back up here now or I'll sue!"


Satan laughed and answered,



"Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 04 กุมภาพันธ์, 2005, 11:47:18 AM



President  Drive


The President had just finished a tour of the East Coast and was taking a limousine to the airport.

Having never driven a limo, he asked the chauffeur if he could drive for awhile. Well, the chauffeur didn't have much of a choice, so the chauffeur climbs in the back  of the limo and the President takes the wheel.


The President  proceeds to hop on 95 and starts accelerating to see what  the limo could do.

Well he gets to about 90 mph and, WHAM !, there are  the blue lights of our friendly State Patrol in his mirror.


He pulls over and the trooper comes to his window. Well the trooper, seeing who it was, says "just a moment please I need to call in."


The trooper radio's in and asks for the chief. He tells the chief

"I've got a REALLY important person pulled over and I need to know what to do."


The chief replys "Who is it, not Ted again ?" The trooper says, " No, even more important."


The chief replys, "It's the Governor, is it ?", the trooper replys "No, even more important."


"It's isn't the President is it ?" "No, more important", replys the trooper.


"Well WHO the HECK is it !", screams the chief.



"I don't know " says the trooper.



"But he's got the President as a chauffeur."



หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 04 กุมภาพันธ์, 2005, 11:59:41 AM

Welcome At Church ?

Three couples -- one elderly, one middle-aged and one newlywed -- wanted to join a church.

 The priest said, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks."

The couples all agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.



The pastor went to the elderly couple and asked, "Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"

The old man replied, "No problem at all, Father."

"Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the priest.



The priest went to the middle-aged couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"

The middle-aged man replied, "The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights, but, yep, we made it."

"Congratulations! Welcome to the church," said the priest.



The priest then went to the newlywed couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?"

"No Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied sadly.


"What happened?" inquired the priest.

"My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it," said the young man. "When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there."


"You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the priest.


"We know," said the young man.




" We're not welcome at the supermarket anymore either."  

หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 07 กุมภาพันธ์, 2005, 08:22:49 PM
From Dr.Pongsarn Intania 61

วาสลีนกับการล้างจาน ( เกี่ยวกันไงล่ะ )

(อ่านแล้วเดาได้มั้ย)


วาสลีนกับการล้านจาน


ไอ้หนุ่มคนหนึ่งใฝ่ฝันมานานแล้วว่า อยากได้มอ'ไซค์ฮาเลย์ซักคัน
 
จนกระทั่งวันหนึ่งเขาเก็บเงินได้มากพอจนสามารถซื้อฮาเลย์ได้ แต่ก่อนที่จะออกจากโชว์รูม คนขายเตือนเขาว่า ให้ระวังชิ้นส่วนที่ชุบโครเมียมจะหมองถ้าโดนฝน ไอ้หนุ่มมอ'ไซค์เห็นจริงดันั้น เลยถามคนขายว่าควรทำอย่างไรดี แล้วก้อได้คำตอบว่า ให้พกวาสลีนติดตัวไว้เสมอ เวลาฝนจะตกก้อเอาวาสลีนไปละเลงตรงที่ชุบโครเมียม

ด้วยความรักที่มีต่อมอ'ไซค์ราคาแพง ไอ้หนุ่มคนนั้นจึงพกวาสลีนติดตัวตามที่ได้รับคำแนะนำมา

ต่อมาไม่นาน ไอ้หนุ่มมอไซค์ก้อพบรักกับสตรีนางหนึ่ง ถึงขนาดพาซ้อนฮาเลย์ไปใหนมาไหนด้วยกันตลอดเวลา ความรักของทั้งสองคนเบ่งบานขึ้นจนสาวเจ้าออกปากเชิญไป กินข้าวเย็นที่บ้านกับครอบครัวของเธอ ไอ้หนุ่มฮาเลย์ตกลงทันที

แต่เธอบอกว่าที่บ้านเธอมีธรรมเนียมแปลกอยู่อย่างหนึ่ง นั่นคือหลังอาหารเย็นสิ้นสุดลง ใครพูดออกมาเป็นคนแรกต้องล้างจานทั้งหมด

ไอ้หนุ่มรู้สึกแปลกใจแต่คิดว่าคงน่าสนุกดี ดังนั้นหลังอาหารเย็น ทุกคนซึ่งประกอบด้วย พ่อแม่ของฝ่ายหญิงและคู่รักหนุ่มสาวจึงพากันรูดซิปปากกันถ้วนหน้า

กาลผ่านไปเป็นชั่วโมงจนไอ้หนุ่มรู้สึกอึดอัด แต่แล้วเขาก้อคิดอุบายออกมาได้อย่างหนึ่ง เขาหันมากอดจูบแฟนสาวต่อหน้าพ่อแม่ของเธอ แต่ผิดคาด ไม่มีใครพูดอะไรเลยแม้แต่คำเดียว


ไอ้หนุ่มมอ'ไซค์ไม่ยอมจำนนง่ายๆ เขาจับสาวเจ้าให้ขึ้นไปนอนบนโต๊ะอาหารแล้วจัดการ ....เซ็นเซอร์.... ทันที ไม่มีใครเอ่ยปากแม้แต่คำเดียว!!!


ไอ้หนุ่มรู้สึกประหลาดใจมาก แต่ยังไม่ยอมแพ้ คราวนี้ลงมือ ....เซ็นเซอร์.... กับแม่ของฝ่ายหญิงอย่างดุเดือด แต่แล้วก้อเหมือนเดิม ไม่มีใครพูดอะไรออกมาเลย

คราวนี้ไอ้หนุ่มฮาเลย์รู้แล้วว่า คงไม่มีทางเอาชนะเกมนี้ได้ง่ายๆ ยิ่งไปกว่านั้นเขาได้ยินเสียงฟ้าร้องครืนมาแต่ไกล แน่แล้ว ฝนกำลังจะตกแน่ๆ


สิ่งแรกที่เขาคิดคือต้องเอาวาสลีนไปทารถมอ'ไซค์ซะก่อนที่จะเปียกฝน


คิดแล้วเขาก้อล้วงเอากระปุกวาสลีนออกมา....





"เอาหล่ะ" เสียงหนึ่งทำลายความเงียบขึ้น  เป็นของพ่อของแฟนสาวนั่นเอง


"ถ้าเอ็งจะเอาขนาดนี้เลยล่ะก้อ ....ข้าล้างจานเองก้อได้..."   :-[   ;)



หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 08 กุมภาพันธ์, 2005, 09:15:38 PM


Ladies night out



Last night, my friends and I went to a Ladies Night Club.

One of the girls wanted to impress the rest of us, so she pulled out a 10 note. When the male dancer came over to us, my friend licked the 10 note and stuck it to his butt cheek!

Not to be outdone, another friend pulls out a 20 note. She called the guy back, licks the 20 note, and sticks it to his other butt cheek.


In another attempt to impress the rest of us, my third friend pulls out a 50 note and calls the guy over, and licks the 50 note. I'm worried about the way things are going, but fortunately, she just stuck it to one of his butt cheeks again.


My relief was short-lived. Seeing the way things are going, the guy gyrates over to me!!!


Now everyone's attention is focused on me, and the guy is egging me on to try to top the 50 note.


My brain was churning as I reached for my wallet.....what could I do??



The woman in me took over!






I got out my ATM card, swiped it down the crack of his butt, grabbed the eighty bucks, and went home!!

หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 09 กุมภาพันธ์, 2005, 02:52:35 PM

Welcome To Oz

Four U.S. Presidents are caught in a tornado, and off they spin to OZ. After threatening trials and tribulations, they finally make it to the Emerald City and come before the Great Wizard.


"What brings you before the great and powerful Wizard of Oz? What do you want?"


Jimmy Carter   steps forward timidly, "I had a terrible time with Iran, so I've come for some courage ."

"No problem!" says the Wizard, "Who is next?"



Up steps George Bush Senior   sadly, "I'm told by the American people that I need a heart ."

"I've heard its true." says the Wizard. "Consider it done. Who comes next before the great and powerful Oz?"



George W. bush   steps forward, "Well, I think I need a brain ".

"Done" says the Wizard.



Then there is a great silence in the hall. Bill Clinton   is just standing there, looking around, but doesn't say a word. Irritated, the Wizard finally asks,

 "What brings you to the emerald city?"




"Is Dorothy around?"


หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 10 กุมภาพันธ์, 2005, 10:10:18 AM
Tarzan Having Sex


One day Jane met Tarzan in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he managed for sex.

"What's that?" he asked.

She explained to him what sex was and he said, "Oh, Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree.

"Horrified, she said, "Tarzan, you have it all wrong! I will show you how to do it properly."


She took off her clothes, laid down on the ground, and spread her legs.

"Here," she said, pointing, "You must put it in here."

Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer, and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch.

Jane screamed and rolled around in agony for several minutes. Eventually, she managed to gasp,

"What the hell did you do that for?"




" Tarzan always check for bees."  


หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 12 กุมภาพันธ์, 2005, 08:35:30 AM
From http://www.free-dirty-jokes.net


Two Moose Hunters


Two moose hunters from Texas are flown into a remote lake in Alaska.

They have a good hunt and both manage to get a large moose. When the plane returns to pick them up, the pilot looks at the animals and says,

" This little plane won't lift all of us, the equipment, and both of those animals. You'll have to leave one. We'd never make it over the trees on the take off."
 

"That's baloney!" says one of the hunters.

"Yeah," the other agrees, "You're just chicken. We came out here last year and got two moose and that pilot had some guts! He wasn't afraid to take off!"


"Yeah", said the first hunter, "and his plane wasn't any bigger than yours!"


The pilot got angry, and said, "Hell, if he did it, then I can do it! I can fly as well as anybody!"


They loaded up, taxied at full throttle, and the plane almost made it, but didn't have the lift to clear the trees at the end of the lake. It clipped the tops, then flipped, then broke up, scattering the baggage, animal carcasses, and passengers all through the brush.


Still alive, but hurt and dazed, the pilot sat up, shook his head to clear it, and said,� " Where are we ? "


One of the hunters rolled out from being thrown into a bush, looked around and said,





" I'd say ... About a hundred yards further than last year."





หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 15 กุมภาพันธ์, 2005, 11:37:39 AM
Stupid Wives ??

Three business men were sitting in a bar, drinking and discussing how stupid their wives were.

The first says, "I tell you, my wife is so stupid. Last week she went to the supermarket and bought $300 worth of meat because it was on sale, and we don't even have a fridge big enough to keep it in!"


The second agrees that she sounds pretty thick, but says his wife is thicker. "Just last week, she went out and spent $17,000 on a new car," he laments, "and she doesn't even know how to drive!"


The third, a blond male, nods sagely and agrees that these two women sound like they both walked through the stupid forest and got hit by every branch.

However, he still thinks his wife is dumber.� " I have to laugh when I think about it," he chuckles.


"Last week my wife left on a vacation to Greece. I watched her packing her bags and she must have taken at least five boxes of condoms with her. She doesn't even have a p*nis!"






This one is a bit rude ......


Working Construction

A construction worker on the 3rd floor of a building needs a handsaw so he sees another man on the 1st floor. He yells down to him, but he can't hear, so he does sign language.

He points at his eye meaning "I", points at his knee meaning "need", and moves his hand back and forth in a handsaw motion.



The man on the 1st floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, and starts masturbating.


The man on the 3rd floor gets so angry he runs down to the 1st floor and says,

 "What the hell is wrong with you dumbass? I said I need handsaw!!"




The other guy says,





"I knew that, I was just trying to tell you I'm coming." � ;)


หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 16 กุมภาพันธ์, 2005, 12:20:17 PM

From http://www.jokesgallery.com


Generous Lawyer


A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.


"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"


The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied,

"First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"


Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."



The lawyer interrupts,

 "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.



"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children ? !"


The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."



On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again,





"So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"  



หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 03 มีนาคม, 2005, 07:38:25 AM

Smell The Fork



A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is  also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu.

"I'm sorry, sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a  dirty fork from a previous customer. I'll smell it and order from there."
 

A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath.

"Ah, yes, that's what I'll have -- meatloaf and mashed potatoes."



Unbelievable, the owner thinks as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner's wife. He tells her what had just happened.

The blind man eats his meal and leaves.



Several days later, the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again.

"Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man."

"I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork."

The owner retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man.

After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great. I'll take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli."


Walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him.

The blind man eats and leaves.



He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen.

He tells his wife, "Mary, rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man."

Mary complies and hands her husband the fork. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.

"Good afternoon, sir, this time I remembered you and I already have
the fork ready for you."


The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff, and says,
 



" Hey I didn't know that Mary worked here..."  

หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 03 มีนาคม, 2005, 07:52:09 AM

The elephant's trunk transplant

Jack goes to the doctor and says "Doc I'm having trouble getting my p*nis erect, can you help me?"

After a complete examination the doctor tells Jack, "Well the problem with you is that the muscles around the base of your pen*s are damaged. There's really nothing I can do for you except ifyou're willing to try an experimental treatment."

Jack asks sadly, "What is this treatment?"

"Well," the doctorexplains, "what we would do is take the muscles from the trunk of a baby elephant and implant them in your p*nis."


Jack thinks about it silently then says, "Well the thought of going through life without ever having sex again is too much, lets go for it."



A few weeks after the operation Jack was given the green light to use his improved equipment. He planned a romantic evening for his girl friend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in the city. In the middle of dinner he felt a stirring between his legs that continued to the point of being uncomfortable.


To release the pressure Jack unzipped his fly. His p*nis immediately sprung from his pants, went to the top of the table, grabbed adinner roll and then returned to his pants.


His girl friend was stunned at first but then said with a sly smile, " That was incredible! Can you do that again? "


Jack replied,



 " Well, I guess so, but I'm not sure I can fit another dinner roll up my ass!"



หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 03 มีนาคม, 2005, 08:05:15 AM
Little boy learns arithmetic

A little boy is in school working on his arithmetic. The teacher says,

"Imagine there are 5 black birds sitting on a fence. You pick up your BB gun and shoot one. How many blackbirds are left?"


The little boy thinks for a moment and says, "NONE!"

The teacher replies, "None, how do you figure that?"

The little boy says, if I shoot one, all the other birds will fly away scared, leaving none on the fence."

The teacher replies, "Hmm, not exactly, but I do like the way you think!"



The little boy then says, "Teacher, let me ask you a question.

There are 3 women sitting on a park bench eating ice cream cones.

One is licking her cone, another is biting it and the third one is sucking it. How can you tell which one of the women is married?"


The teacher ponders the question uncomfortably and then finally replies, "Well, I guess the one sucking her cone."




To which the little boy replies,

"Actually, its the one with the wedding ring, but I do like the way YOU think!"


หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 05 มีนาคม, 2005, 08:57:09 AM

Rigged Contest

Two guys went to a gas station that was holding a contest: a chance to win free sex when you filled your tank. They pumped their gas and went to pay the attendant.

"I'm thinking of a number between one and ten," he said. "If you guess right, you win free sex."


"Okay," agreed one of the guys, "I guess seven."

"Sorry, I was thinking of eight," replied the attendant.



The next week they tried again. When they went to pay, the attendant told them to pick a number.
"Two!" said the second guy.

"Sorry, it's three, said the attendant. "Come back and try again."



As they walked out to their car, one guy said to the other, "I think this contest is rigged."

"No way," said his buddy.






" My wife won twice last week. "  

หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 05 มีนาคม, 2005, 09:07:47 AM

Hard of Hearing Genie


OK, so a man walks into a bar with a large box, the bar tender goes up to him and asks "whats in the box".

The man says "I'll show ya' if you get me a beer."

So of course the bar tender gets the man a beer, the man drinks it, and he pulls out a little foot tall man and he pulls out a little piano. The little man starts playing the piano !



Next the bar tender asks "hey! thats prety cool, where did ya' get that?"

The man says" I'll tell ya' if you get me another beer."

So the bar tender gets the man another beer, the man drinks it, and he says "I got it from a geenie and a lamp"



The bar tender says "If ya' let me barrow that geenie and that lamp I'll give ya' another beer."

The man says "Oh, Okay!"



The bar tender gets the man another beer, the man drinks it, and the man gives the bar tender the lamp.

The bar tender rubs the lamp and the geenie pops out!

The geenie says "Master, I grant you one wish, what is it?"



The bar tender says "I wish for a million bucks!!!"

And all of a sudden a million ducks start flying into the room.


"What the heck is this!!! I wished for a million bucks not a million ducks!!!"




And the man says "Well did you think I wished for a 12 inched  pianist ! "



หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 05 มีนาคม, 2005, 09:33:36 AM

Looking forward to old age.


There were three elderly men sitting in wheelchairs on the porch one sunny afternoon. They were ten years apart in ages.  One was 60, another 70 and the last 80 years old.


The 60 yo, started complaining. He said " I wish I could just piss all at once and not dribble, dribble, dribble all day and night."


The 70 year old then said, " I don't have that problem. I just wish I could take one good dump and not ooze, ooze, oooze all day and night. "





The 80 year old started laughing at the other two. He said, "I don't have any of those problems!"

 "At 7:00 a.m. I take a good piss, at 9:00 a.m. I take a good shit."





" My only problem is that...I don't wake up until noon  !"


หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 12 มีนาคม, 2005, 02:08:23 PM

Men Super Store


Recently a " Husband Super Store " opened where women could go to choose a husband from among many men. It was laid out in five floors.

The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to choose a man from that floor; if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place, never to return. A couple of girlfriends went to the shopping center to find some husbands...


First floor
The door had a sign saying, "These men have jobs and love kids."

The women read the sign and said, "Well, that's better than not having a job or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?" So up they went.



Second floor
The sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking."

"Hmmm," said the ladies, "But, I wonder what's further up?"




Third floor
This sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework."

"Wow," said the women, "Very tempting." But there was another floor, so further up they went.



Fourth floor
This door had a sign saying "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak."

"Oh, mercy me," they cried, "Just think what must be awaiting us further on! So up to the fifth floor they went.



Fifth floor
The sign on that door said,





" This floor is empty and exists only to prove that women are impossible to please. The exit is to your left. "   ;)

หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 12 มีนาคม, 2005, 02:10:56 PM

Baseball Heaven

Bob and Earl were best friends and had been for 50 years. They went to baseball games together and had the best time possible. They truly loved the game but they always wondered if there was baseball in heaven and agreed that whoever died first had to call the other guy and tell them if there was baseball in heaven.


Then one night Earl died and then a few days later Bob went to his funeral and came home after the burial service. Then the phone rang it was Earl.


Earl said," Bob is this you "

Bob said," Yes, Earl how are you doing and is there baseball in heaven ? "

Earl said," Well I've got some good news and some bad news."

Bob said, " Whats the good news? "

Earl said, " Well there is baseball in heaven and you can play with Babe Ruth and everybody its great "

Bob said, " Then what's the bad news ? "




Earl said, " Well Bob, your starting pitching tommorow night  ! "



หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 17 มีนาคม, 2005, 10:07:08 AM
From http://www.free-dirty-jokes.net



Med School



First-year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.


The professor started the class by telling them,

" In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor.

The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body."



For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth.


"Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it.


When everyone had finished, the Professor looked at them and told them,

" The second most important quality is observation.........




 I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger.� Now learn to pay attention ! "


หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 26 มีนาคม, 2005, 08:31:47 PM

Laughing Horse


Hidden Rhino walks into a bar. On the bar sits a big jar of twenty dollar bills. He asks the bartender,

" What's the deal with the jar of money ? "



"Well", the bartender says,

"I've got a horse tied up in the stable out back. This horse has never laughed in his life. You put a twenty in the jar, then if you can make my horse laugh, You win all the money. "


Hidden Rhino  puts his twenty in the jar, and goes out to the stable. He comes back just a few minutes later, and you can hear the horse laughing all the way inside. Hidden Rhino takes his money and leaves.



About a year later, he goes back to the bar, and they've got another jar of twenties there.


"What's the deal now?" He asks.


"Well",the bartender says,

" That damn horse won't stop laughing! So the first person who can make my horse stop laughing wins the money !"


Hidden Rhino  pays his twenty, and goes out to the stable. He returns a few minutes later, and the horse is bawling his eyes out. He picks up his money and is about to leave when the bartender stops him.



"Alright", he says,"You have won an awful lot of money from me and I want to know how you did it!!"



"Easy", Hidden Rhino  says,




" I made him laugh by saying mine was bigger than his, and I made him cry by proving it !! "  









หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 02 เมษายน, 2005, 10:23:14 AM

Assertiveness


A mild-mannered man was tired of being bossed around by his wife.


He went to a psychiatrist to discuss the problem. The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem and gave him a book on assertiveness.


After finishing the book, the man went home, stormed into the house and walked up to his wife.


Pointing a finger in her face, he said,

" From now on, I want you to know that *I* am the man of this house, and my word is law!

I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my dinner, I expect a sumptuous dessert.

Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax.

And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair ? "




" The funeral director," his wife answered.



หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 02 เมษายน, 2005, 10:29:30 AM
from� http://www.jokesgallery.com



Begging For It


One night after a date, a guy takes his girlfriend home. After kissing each other goodnight at the front door, the guy starts feeling a little horny. With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her:


" Honey, would you give me a blow job ? "

Horrified, she replies " Are you mad?� My parents will see us ! "


"Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?"

"No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught "


"Oh come on! There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!"

"No way. It's just too risky!"


"Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?"

"No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!"


"Oh yes you can. Please?"

"No, no. I just can't"




"I'm begging you..."


Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's sister shows up in her pajamas, hair disheveled, and in a sleepy voice she says:


" Dad says to go ahead and give him a blow job, or I can do it.
Or if need be, Mom says she can come down herself and do it.


But for God's sake tell him to take his hand off the intercom. "






Art Fan

A couple goes to an art gallery. They find a picture of a naked women with only her privates covered with leaves. The wife doesn't like it and moves on but the huband keeps looking.

The wife asks, "What are you waiting for?"



The husband replies, "Autumn."




หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 13 เมษายน, 2005, 06:02:24 PM
Three Vampires


Once upon a time, three vampires met in some place in night. Apparently, each one of them was boasting about their vampiric abilities to one another.


Vampire A said, "Look at that mansion over there! I can finish all of its inhabitants within 10 minutes!"

And so he flew to the mansion, and 9 minutes later, he came back with his mouth filled with blood, looking satisfied with himself.


Vampire B then said, "Bah! Look at that village over there! Give me 5 minutes!"

He flew to the village, returned at the next 5 minutes, with his mouth filled with dripping red blood.



Vampire C then yelled, "Pffft! Look at the TOWN over there! Give me 3 minutes!"

He flew to the direction of the town, and one minute later, he returned with his mouth filled with blood.



Vampire A and B stared at him with amazement, then immediately asked, "How come you have such speed, friend?"


Vampire C pointed at a direction, then asked them, "Do you see a building over there?"

"Yes!" answered A and B.





"Well I DON'T!!!"


หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 27 เมษายน, 2005, 08:54:49 AM

Border Questions


An elderly couple was crossing the Canadian border to go to their winter recluse in Florida. At the crossing they were stopped by an over-zealous border guard, on his first day at work. He commenced to ask the couple a battery of questions and check for passports.


The husband, on behalf of his almost deaf wife, answered the barrage of queries.


Officer: "Where are you going?"

Husband: "We're on vacation and going to Florida."

Wife: "What did he say? What did he say?"

Husband: "He wants to know where we're going."



Officer: "How long will you be gone?"

Husband: "About one month."

Wife: "What did he say? What did he say?"

Husband: "He wants to know how long we'll be gone."



Officer: "Where are you from?"

Husband: "We're from Toronto, Ontario."

Officer: "Toronto, huh. I was there once. Nice city. Had the worst date experience in my life."

Wife: "What did he say? What did he say?"




Husband: " He says he knows you! "  



หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 02 พฤษภาคม, 2005, 09:04:59 AM

 Sara Pipalini




Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says

"Sisters, you all led such wonderful lives that I'm granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you want to be."



The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren;"    and *poof* she's gone.

  The second says, "I want to be Madonna;"         and *poof* she's gone.



The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini."

St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he says.

"Sara Pipalini;" replies the nun.



St. Peter shakes his head and says; "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell."


The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter. He reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says



"No sister, the paper says it was the ' Sahara Pipeline  ' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months."



หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 21 พฤษภาคม, 2005, 08:03:13 AM
From� http://www.free-dirty-jokes.net/



Marriage : They never came down


A young couple had just gotten married and spent their wedding night with the young man's parents.


In the morning the mother got up and prepared a lovely breakfast, went to the bottom of the stairs and called for them to come down for breakfast.


After a long wait the family ate without the newlyweds. The mother said, "I wonder why they never came down to eat?"

The grooms young brother said, "Mommy, I think -- "

"Oh shut up, I don't want to hear what you think!" said the mother, not wanting to hear any inappropriate comments from the younger brother.




At lunch time the mother again prepared a wonderful meal and again called the young couple to eat. After another long wait the family proceeded to eat, and after the meal was completed the mother once again said, "I wonder why they never came down to eat?"

Once again the younger brother started to speak, but was interrupted by the mother.




At dinner time once again the mother cooked a very elaborate meal, had the table set perfect and called the newlyweds to join the family for dinner. After another long wait the mother once again questioned why they had not come downstairs all day.

The young lad once again said, "Mommy I think -- "

"Well what is it that you think?" asked the mother rather irritated.



" I think that when my big brother came down to get the Vaseline last night, he got my model plane glue instead. "



หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 23 พฤษภาคม, 2005, 08:44:22 AM
Wife & Mistress


An Italian architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.


The Italian architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.


The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.


The engineer said, "I like both."

"Both?"

Engineer, "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each� assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done."







An old Italian man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night.


A constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most.,

"When I die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"



They believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs, and strange sounds at all hours. He was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished.

He died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow.


The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme while her neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions: Are you not worried? Concerned? Afraid? of this man who practiced black magic and stated when he died he would dig his way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?



The wife put down her drink and said, "Let's the old bastard dig. I had him buried upside down."


หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 23 พฤษภาคม, 2005, 08:57:05 AM

Marriage

 :)  It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.

 :)  Losing a wife can be hard. In some cases,    it's almost impossible.

 :)  A man was complaining to a friend, "I had it all - money, a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman. And then - poof - it was all gone."

    "What happened?" asked the friend.

     "My wife found out."


 :)  I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months... I don't like to interrupt her.









The Golf Match


The Pope met with the College of Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Shimon Peres, the former leader of Israel.,

" Your holiness," said one of the Cardinals, " Mr. Peres wants to determine whether Jews or Catholics are superior, by challenging you to a golf match."


The Pope was greatly disturbed, as he had never held a golf club in his life.




"Not to worry," said the Cardinal,

"we'll call America and talk to Jack Nicklaus. We'll make him a Cardinal, he can play Shimon Peres... We can't lose!"

 Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made and, of course, Jack was honored and agreed to play.




The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of his success in the match.,

 " I came in second, your Holiness," said Nicklaus.


" Second ?!! " exclaimed the surprised Pope., " You came in second to Shimon Peres ?!! "


"No," said Nicklaus,





" second to Rabbi Woods. "





หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 25 พฤษภาคม, 2005, 10:21:08 PM


Playing Roulette



An african ambassador visited Russia and was entertained by his opposite number, the Russian ambassador. For three days, the African ambassador was wined, dined, and generally treated to the best hospitality that Russia had to offer.


On the last day of his visit, the Russian ambassador said,

"As your stay is coming to an end, it's time for you to play our traditional game, Russian roulette. One of the six chambers of this gun is loaded - you spin the cylinder, point the gun at your head, and pull the trigger."



This phased the African slightly, but he was a proud man of a warrior people, and to show fear would be unthinkable. Both men took their guns, spun, and pulled the triggers.

Both chambers were empty, and both ambassadors breathed a sigh of relief.


The African ambassador was impressed with the couragous game, and thought hard about the subject before the Russian Ambassador was due to visit his country the next year.




When the visit came, the African ambassador treated the Russian with all hospitality, until the final day of his stay. Leading him to a private room in the palace, the African ambassador spoke,

"Now, time for you to sample our game, African roulette". He then led the Russian into the room, the only occupants of which were six stunning and naked women.


The African ambassador said, "These women are the most beautiful members of one of our tribes. Any one of them will give you a oral sex - take your pick".


The Russian was not entirely averse to this idea, but he couldn't see the connection with Russian Roulette. He said,

"Well, ok, great, but where's the roulette part? Where's the danger?"




With a big grin on his face, the African ambassador answered:





" One of them's a cannibal. "


หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 07 มิถุนายน, 2005, 07:44:19 PM

From  http://www.free-dirty-jokes.net/


Good Manners




During class, a teacher was trying to teach good manners. The teacher asks a student:

"Michael, if you were on a date, having supper with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"

"Just a minute, I have to go piss."



"That would be rude and impolite!!! What about you John, how would you say it?"

"I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom, I'll be right back."



"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the table. And you Peter, are you able to use your intelligence for once and show us your good manners?"




" I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment, I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after supper."



หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 09 มิถุนายน, 2005, 09:36:22 PM


Little Italian boy



Once there was this little Italian boy in the fields with his father. Looking at his dad's hands, the boy says,

" Papa, you do many things with your hands, tell me about your fingers. "


"Wella Tony," Papa said,

" You seea this first finger? You use a dis a one to point a to whata evea you wanna to. You see youa thumb? You usea it a for turna pages in a book, and your ringa finger, you will use whena you get a married, and your little finga, you use to picka you nose. And the middle finga, well, I'lla tella you about thata one when youa getta married. "



Little Tony was satisfied with that and time past. It was now Tony's wedding day. It was a beautiful wedding and just before he was leaving with his bride, Tony went to have a talk with Papa.

Tony said, " Papa, many years ago you told me to use this finger to point at what I want, to turn pages with my thumb, to pick my nose with this little one, and to put my wedding ring on this one, but, Papa, what is it I do with this middle finger ? "



Papa drew close to Tony and said,

" Tony, tonighta you will makea mad hotta love to youa woman many times, and youa may getta tired. When thatta happens, and youa woman turns to you an wanna makea da love againa, that's when you takea your middle finga........




 and you poka on her head and say, 'Go back to sleep youa silly woman  ! '"




อุ อุ ..... คุณคิดว่า เคีาจะบอกให้ใช้นิ้วกลาง ทำอะไรอ่ะ ...... อิ อิ   ;)






หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 09 มิถุนายน, 2005, 09:40:58 PM
From http://www.jokesgallery.com/


Crazy Blind-Dog

A policeman directing traffic at a busy city intersection one afternoon observed a blind man with his seeing-eye dog waiting to cross the street.

All of a sudden, the policeman was aghast at the sight of the seeing-eye dog bolting out into the street in front of heavy traffic at one of the busiest intersections in the whole city, dragging the blind man along with the dog's leash in the blind man's hands while cars were trying to stop, screeching their brakes and swerving to avoid a fatal accident.


The policeman was absolutely horrified, but could do nothing to assist. To the immediate relief of the horrified police officer, the blind man and his dog somehow made it across the street without suffering any harm to themselves whatsoever. It was a miracle!


The police officer, still in shock, observed the blind man, upon reaching the corner sidewalk after having nearly been killed crossing the street, reach into his pocket and pull out a cookie and offer it to his seeing-eye dog.



The officer ran to the blind man and said to him in a loud distraught tone,

" Don't you realize that you could have been killed by your dog dragging you out into a busy street in front of heavy traffic like that? And NOW you're going to reward him ? "


The blind man hesitated a moment, then he said to the policeman,



" Why, no sir!  I'm just trying to find out where his head is so I can kick his ass !"



หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 26 มิถุนายน, 2005, 09:53:07 AM

Money Frick


There was a man who had worked all of his life and had saved all of his money and was a real miser when it came to his money.

He loved money more than just about anything.


Just before he died, he said to his wife, "Now listen. When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me.


He made her promise with all her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.




Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her.

When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!' She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket.


Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away. So her friend said,

"Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband!"


She said, "Listen, I'm a Christian. I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was gonna put that money in that casket with him.


"You mean to tell me you really put that money in the casket with him!!!!?



"I sure did," said the wife. "I wrote him a check."



Never Underestimate The Intelligence of a Woman



หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 05 กรกฎาคม, 2005, 07:17:56 AM

Fried Eggs


A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen. " Careful ... CAREFUL!! Put in some more butter!! Oh my Gosh!! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY!!


Turn them!! TURN THEM NOW!! We need more butter. Oh my Gosh!! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER?! They're going to STICK!! Careful ... CAREFUL!! I said be CAREFUL!! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never!! Turn them! HURRY UP!! Are you CRAZY? Have you lost your mind?


Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!!"



The wife stared at him. "What the &^%$&^% is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"



The husband calmly replied,



" I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving ".


หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 21 กรกฎาคม, 2005, 10:58:07 PM

Who am I ???


One Monday morning a mailman is walking the neighbourhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were in the driveway.


His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles.

"Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night." the mailman comments.


Bob in obvious pain replies, "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighbourhood over for Christmas Cheer and it got a bit wild. Hell, we got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I.


The mailman thinks a moment and says, "How do you play that?"


"Well all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our "privates" showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is."



The mailman laughs and says, "Damn, I'm sorry I missed that.


"Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds.



 " Your name came up five times.... "


หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 21 กรกฎาคม, 2005, 11:12:41 PM

The Butler



A wealthy couple planned to go to an evening ball. They advised Stanley, their Butler, that he was being given the evening off to do whatever he wanted. After an hour and a half at the ball the wife told her husband that she was dreadfully bored and in fact would prefer simply to go home and finish some work for the following day. The husband replied that he had to stay for a couple of more hours since he had to meet some potential business partners.


So, the wife went home alone and found the butler Stanley spread out on the couch watching TV. Moving slowly towards him, she sat down in a very seductive manner. She whispered to him to come closer, then even closer. She moved forward and whispered in his ear:


"Take off my dress ..." she said And Stanley did so.

"Now, will take off my bra ..." she asked To which Stanley obliged.

"Next, please remove my shoes and stockings." she told him Stanley quickly followed her instructions again.

"Now, remove my garter belt and panties." she ordered him. Again, without hesitation, Stanley complied.




She then looked deep into his eyes and in a sharp voice shouted:




" The next time I catch you wearing my clothes, you're fired! "






หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 25 กรกฎาคม, 2005, 09:16:03 PM


คิดถึง




สมบูรณ์ เป็นอีกคนหนึ่งที่พกรูปถ่ายของภรรยาติดกระเป๋าสตางค์ไว้เสมอ.. แม้ว่าภรรยาของเขาจะเสียชีวิตไปนานหลายปีแล้วก็ตาม

ทุกครัง้ที่สมบูรณ์ประสบกับปัญหา สมบูรณ์จะหยิบภาพถ่ายออกมาดู และเขาก็ผ่านพ้นปัญหานั้นไปได้เสมอ ไม่ว่าสมบูรณ์จะเจออุปสรรคมากมายขนาดไหนบางครั้งเมื่อเขานึกท้อแท้ เขาก็จะรีบเปิดกระเป๋าสตางค์และหยิบรูปถ่ายภรรยาออกมาดูทุกครั้งไป.......

โดยเฉพาะเมื่อครั้งที่เศรษฐกิจไทยก้าวสู่ยุคฟองสบู่แตก สมบูรณ์แทบสิ้นหวัง เขาแทบสิ้นเนื้อประดาตัว แต่เขาก็ผ่านจุดต่ำสุดนั้นมาได้...



วันนี้ สมบูรณ์ก้าวสู่ความสำเร็จนได้รับรางวัลบุคคลสู้ชีวิตแห่งปี และได้ขึ้นรับรางวัลอันทรงเกียรตินี้...


สมบูรณ์กล่าวว่า... เคล็ดลับที่ทำให้ผมผ่านอุปสรรคอันเลวร้ายต่าง ๆมาได้ ก็เพราะผมพกภาพถ่ายของภรรยาผมติดตัวไว้ตลอดเวลา..."



สิ้นเสียงกล่าวของสมบุรณ์...เสียงปรบมือกึกก้องไปทั่วห้องจัดเลี้ยงมอบรางวัล...

โดยเฉพาะบรรดาคุณหญิงคุณนายที่มาร่วมงานต่างพากันสะกิดสามีของตัวเอง พร้อมกับคำกระแหนะกระแหน ว่าทำไมไม่เอาตัวอย่งาสมบูรณ์บ้าง

เมื่องานเลี้ยงเลิกรา..สมบูรณ์กลับถึงบ้าน เขาควักรูปถ่ายของภรรยาออกมาดูอีก แล้วรำพึงรำพันกับภาพถ่ายว่า...

ทุกครั้งที่รู้สึกท้อแท้สิ้นหวัง....ก็มีภาพถ่ายของเธอนี่แหละ ที่ทำให้ได้ระลึกอยู่เสมอว่า...








ไม่มีอะไรจะแย่ไปกว่าตอนที่อยู่กับเธออีกแล้ว    ;)




หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 24 สิงหาคม, 2005, 10:58:15 PM


First In Heaven



Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. On this particular day, the teacher wanted to ask her class which part of the body went to heaven first.


One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think your mind goes to heaven first because you have to have a mind in order to believe in God."


The teacher praises the little girl as a little boy raises his hand. He says, "I think your heart goes to heaven first because God is all about love."


"Very good," said the teacher. The teacher looked up and saw Little Johnny's hand up.

 "Oh no," she thought, "I'm not gonna like this". "Little Johnny, which part of the body do you think goes to heaven first?".

 Little Johnny thinks for a minute and says, "Your feet." The teacher asked him why he thought your feet go to heaven first.




He replied,  Well, I was walking past my parents' bedroom last night and my mom had her feet up in the air and she said, 'Oh God, I'm coming!', but fortunately Dad was on top of her holding her down."



หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 24 สิงหาคม, 2005, 11:00:28 PM

Little package


Miss Bea, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon, the pastor came to call on her, and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.


As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it, filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom!


When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.


"Miss Bea," he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.


"Oh, yes," she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago, and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet, and it would prevent the spread of disease."



"And you know... I haven't had a cold all winter."





หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 03 กันยายน, 2005, 08:56:07 AM
from http://www.free-dirty-jokes.net/


False teeth


A dinner speaker was in such a hurry to get to his engagement that when he arrived and sat down at the head table, he suddenly realized that he had forgotten his false teeth.

Turning to the man next to him he said, "I forgot my teeth!"


The man said, "No problem." With that he reached into his pocket and pulled out a pair of false teeth. "Try these," he said.

The speaker tried them. "Thanks, but they're too loose," he said.



The man then said, "I have another pair...try these."

The speaker tried them and responded, "Too tight."



The man was not taken back at all. He then said, "I have one more pair... try them."

The speaker said, "They fit perfectly!" With that he ate his meal and gave his address.



After the dinner meeting was over, the speaker went over to thank the man who had helped him.

" I want to thank you for coming to my aid. Where is your office? I've been looking for a good dentist."






The man replied, " Oh I'm not a dentist. I work at the morgue.."

หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 03 กันยายน, 2005, 09:02:18 AM


Serious headaches




A woman has had serious headaches for several years and has tried everything; been to several doctors and nothing has worked until one day she was having lunch with a friend who referred her to a hypnotist who, according to her friend "works wonders on anything."


The woman comes home from the hypnotist and tells her husband, "remember those headaches I have been having all of these years? Well, they are gone."

"No more headaches?!?"  the husband asks, "What happened?"

His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat 'I do not have a headache, I DO NOT have a headache. I DO NOT have a headache." Believe it or not, it worked! The headaches are all gone."

The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful."


His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last several years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"


The husband is unsure he wants to do that, but agrees to try it. Following his appointment with the hypnotist, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom.

He rips off her clothes, puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move. I'll be right back." He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps on the bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.


His wife says, "Boy that was wonderful!"

The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back". He goes back into the bathroom, comes back a few minutes later for round 2 with his wife--even better than the first time.



The wife sits up and her head is spinning. "This is really great!"

Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." With that he goes back in the bathroom.



This time his wife follows and sees him through the open crack in the door standing at the mirror and saying,



" She's not my wife. She's not my wife. She's NOT my wife ! "




หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 03 กันยายน, 2005, 09:09:41 AM


His wisdom



Keep this in mind the next time you either hear or are about to repeat a rumor! In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was well known for his wisdom. One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who said excitedly,

"Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?"


Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before telling me anything I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test.

Triple filter?"


"That's right," Socrates continued, "Before you talk to me about my student, it might be a good idea to take a moment and filter what you're going to say..The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"

No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it and ..."


"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?"

"No, on the contrary ...".


"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him, but you're not certain it's true. You may still pass the test though, because there's one filter left: the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really."


"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither true nor good nor even useful, why tell it to me at all?"



This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.






It also explains why he never found out that Plato was banging his wife.


หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 03 กันยายน, 2005, 09:12:44 AM


Conceiving a baby



A young, married couple has difficulties conceiving a baby, so after a while the wife consults her doctor, who recommends the minor of three possible operations.

The operation is performed, but a month later, she's still not pregnant, so she goes to see the doctor again. This time he recommends the medium operation, a somewhat more serious operation, but still not as complicated as the third alternative.



But, there's still no result and another month later she's back in the doctors office, and this time she gets the big one. After having recovered in some weeks, the couple resumes normal marital activities, and this time they actually succeed in conceiving a baby.


Filled with joy, the young wife now sees the doctor for the regular examination during pregnancy and says, "We're so happy doctor, we're finally having a baby. But what was this third operation all about? The first two weren't that bad, but this last one I think must have been quite a job, I was dizzy for weeks after."




"Well," the doctor replies, "since the first two standard operations failed, we started suspecting your method rather than your ability, so I made a connection from your throat to your uterus."



หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 03 กันยายน, 2005, 09:15:13 AM

Homesick

A manufacturer's technician was in a small town in the Carolinas, repairing some new specialized machinery, when his trip was suddenly prolonged for an extra month due to some problems in completing the job.


He was already getting bored with the the town. It seemed as if they rolled up the streets and turned out the lights by ten o'clock and over the course of the extra month he was getting very homesick. Finally, he gave in to temptation and visited the local brothel on the outskirts of town..


He entered and handed the madam a hundred dollar bill and requested,

"Can ypu give me the worst performing , most lethargic, disinterested whore in the house.."



The madam says, " Well yes, but for this kind of money, you can have the best we have if you like."




"No, no," says our boy, "you don't understand, I'm not horny, I'm married and just homesick."




หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 04 กันยายน, 2005, 07:35:33 PM


The mightiest weapon


Once in a medieval times...there was a King who was getting sort of bored after dinner one night. He decided to hold a contest of who at the court had the mightiest "weapon".


The first knight stood up and proclaimed that he had the mightiest weapon... he pulled down his pants and tied a 5 pound weight around it. The weapon doth rose.


The crowds cheered...the women swooned...the children waved multi-colored banners... and the band played appropriate music.



Another knight stood up and yelled that he had the mightiest weapon. He dropped his pants and tied a 10 pound weight to himself. The weapon doth rose.

The crowds cheered...the women swooned...the children waved multi-colored banners... and the band played appropriate music.


After several more knights tried to prove their superiority...the King finally spoke out. "I have the mightiest weapon of them all!"


 He dropped his pants and tied, not a 10 pound, not a 20 pound, not ever a thirty pound, but a 40 pound weight to himself. The weapon doth rose.



The crowds cheered...the women swooned...the children waved multi-colored banners...





and the band played " God Save the Queen."   ;)




หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 04 กันยายน, 2005, 07:49:12 PM

Donkey's balls


A man and his wife are on vacation in Tibet. While shopping in a small village, the wife asks her husband what time it was, and looking down at his wrist the man realized he had left his watch in the motel room. After a few unsuccessful attempts to find an english speaking local, the couple finally finds an elderly man sitting quietly on the street with his donkey.


"Excuse me," the husband says, "could you tell us the time?"

"Absolutely", replies the elderly man, and with that he reaches down and lifts the donkey's balls. "It is 3:10", the man exclaims.


"Thank you" replies the wife in a surprised voice. And the couple continues on their way. After doing some shopping and grabbing a bite to eat. The couple return to the old man for the time.


Again the elderly man lifts the donkey's balls and says, "It is now 4:45."

By this time the husband is completely amazed. "Please show me how you can tell the time simply by lifting this donkey's balls!"



"Certainly," the elderly man replies motioning for the couple to come closer. "Sit here where I am," the man begins. "Now, do you see the donkey's balls?"

"Of course", the man replies.


"Now reach down and take them into your hand." Hesitantly the husband does as he is instructed, after all, this could prove to be an enlightening experience. "Now, slowly lift the donkey's balls", he continues. Again the husband does as he is instructed.

"Now look underneath the donkeys balls, and between his two front legs." The husband does just that.






"Now" the man says, "can you see the clock on the wall of that building over there?"



หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 04 กันยายน, 2005, 07:53:43 PM

Monkey eats everything


A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking it the monkey jumps around all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them. Then he jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.


The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just swallowed the cue ball off my pool table whole!", says the bartender.


"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the bloke. "He eats everything in sight, the little bugger. I'll pay for the cue ball and other stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill and leaves.



Two weeks later he's in the bar again and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his arse, pulls it out, and eats it.


The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?", he asks.

"Now what?", responds the bloke. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his arse, then pulled it out and ate it!", says the barkeeper.



"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the bloke.





 "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!"



หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 04 กันยายน, 2005, 08:04:13 PM


Not sweet


In a biology class, the professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen.


A young blonde raised her hand and asked, " If I understand, you're saying there is a lot of glucose, as in sugar, in male semen? "


"That's correct," responded the professor, going on to add statistical info.

Raising her hand again, the girl asked, " Then why doesn't it taste sweet? "



After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing, the poor girl's face turned bright red, and as she realized exactly what she had inadvertently said, she picked up her books without a word and walked out of class... and never returned.


However, as she was going out the door, the professor's reply was classic...



Totally straight-faced he answered her question,



  "  It doesn't taste sweet because  the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not the back of your throat."


หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 06 กันยายน, 2005, 10:09:53 PM


Bad Luck In Action



There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."



"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 09 กันยายน, 2005, 03:31:39 PM

A lonely woman



A lonely woman, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married. So she decided to put an ad in the local paper that read:


อ้างถึง

HUSBAND WANTED:
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70'S),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME
AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.




On the second day after her add ran in the paper, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman sitting in a wheel chair. He had no arms or legs.

The old woman said, "You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you...you have no legs!

The old man smiled. "Therefore, I cannot run around on you!"


She snorted. "You don't have any arms either!"

Again the old man smiled, "I will never beat you!"


She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, "Are you still good in bed???"



The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said..."I rang the doorbell, didn't I ????"





หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 09 กันยายน, 2005, 03:40:17 PM

Job interview



A job seeker was interviewing, and the interviewer asked him, "Tell me what is your greatest strength?"


The prospective employee said, "Sir, I am a little bit shy, but should I give you my honest answer?"

The interviewer says, "Of course, yes. I expect nothing but honesty from my staff."



The job seeker says, "Sir, my greatest strength is my wife."


The interviewer was quite impressed with the spousal respect of this man, thought he could be a great member of his team, corporate community and he deserved the job.


So with an intention of offering him the job soon the interviewer tried to wrap up with the last question,

"Tell me now, what is your greatest weakness?"


The guy felt encouraged, and went on,


"Sir, my greatest weakness is someone else's wife."





หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 09 กันยายน, 2005, 03:44:34 PM
from http://www.free-dirty-jokes.net/


Fleas visit



One winter year, these two little fleas headed for the warm sunny beaches of California to escape the cold.



The first flea got there and started rubbing suntan lotion on his little flea arms and his little flee legs.


Just then, the second flea arrived just a shiverin' and a shakin'.

The first flea asked, "What the hell happened to you?"


To which the second flea replied "I just rode out here on a bikers mustache and I'm so very coldddd!"

The first flea said, "Don't you know the special trick to gettin here, first you go to the airport, go straight to the ladies cammode, wait for a pretty young stewardess to come along, and when she sits down you climb right up in there where its nice and warm".



The second flea agreed that this was a grand idea.



The next winter comes along and it was time for the fleas to head for the sunny beaches again.

The first flea arrived and began putting suntan lotion on his little flea arms and his little flea legs.



About that time, the second flea arrived again just a shiverin', shakin', and mumbling about how cold he was.

The first flea exclaimed "Didn't you learn anything that I taught you about getting here nice and warm?"



To which the second flea replied, "I did just as you said; I went to the ladies cammode and this pretty stewardess came in and sat down, I climbed right up in there and it was so very warm.



Next thing I know we stop at a bar and I fell asleep. All of a sudden I woke and there I was, right back on that bikers mustache!



หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 09 กันยายน, 2005, 03:48:20 PM


Guilty conscience



An elderly Italian Jewish man wanted to unburden his guilty conscience by talking to his Rabbi.

"Rabbi, during World War II, when the Germans entered Italy, I pretended to be a 'goy' and changed my name from Levi to Spamoni and I am alive today because of it."

"Self preservation is important and the fact that you never forgot that you were a Jew is admirable," said the Rabbi.



"Rabbi, a beautiful Jewish woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans. I hid her in my attic and they never found her."

"That was a wonderful thing you did and you have no need to feel guilty."




"It's worse Rabbi. I was weak and allowed her to repay me for my efforts with her sexual favours."

"You were both in great danger and would have suffered terribly if the Germans had found her. There is a favourable balance between good and evil and you will be judged kindly. Give up your feelings of guilt."



"Thank you, Rabbi. That's a great load off my mind. But I have one more question."

"And what is that?"







" Should I tell her the war is over ? "





หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 10 กันยายน, 2005, 09:07:19 AM

Hillary's Visit



Hillary Clinton goes to a primary school in Ithaca, New York to talk about the world.

After her talk she offers question time.
One little boy puts up his hand, and the Senator asks him what his name is.

"Kenneth."

"And what is your question, Kenneth?"

"I have three questions:

First - whatever happened to your medical health care plan?

Second - why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office?

And third - whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House?"



Just then the bell rings for recess. Hillary Clinton informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess. When they resume Hillary says,

"Okay where were we? Oh, that's right, question time. Who has a question?"


A different little boy puts his hand up; Hillary points him out and asks him what his name is.

"Larry."


"And what is your question?"

"I have five questions:



First - whatever happened to your medical health care plan?

Second - why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office?

Third - whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House?


Fourth - why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?





And fifth - what happened to Kenneth?"




หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 10 กันยายน, 2005, 09:08:21 AM

A Human Car Performance



Three women were talking about their love lives.


The first said, "My husband is like a Rolls-Royce; smooth and sophisticated."


The second said, "Mine is like a Porsche; fast and powerful."



The third said, "Mine is like an old Chevy.



It needs a hand start and I have to jump on while it's still going."




หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 10 กันยายน, 2005, 09:09:56 AM
Coca Cola Classics

The salesman explained,

"When I got posted in the Middle East, I was very confident that I will makes a good sales pitch as Cola is virtually unknown there.

 But, I had a problem I didn't know to speak Arabic. So, I planned to convey the message through 3 posters...


First poster, a man crawling through the hot desert sand... totally
exhausted and fanting.

Second, the man is drinking our Cola and

Third, our man is now totally refreshed.



Then these posters were pasted all over the place"



"That should have worked," said the friend.


The salesman replied,


" Well, not only did I not speak Arabic, I also didn't realize that Arabs read from right to left..."


หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 11 กันยายน, 2005, 09:50:15 AM

Tea time..


เรียน ท่านผู้จัดการ
 
กระผม นายจ้อน มีความประสงค์ขอขึ้นเงินเดือนโดยมีเหตุผลดังนี้

1.เป็นผู้ใช้แรงงาน
2.ทำงานในที่ลึกมาก และอับชื้น
3.ต้องสอดหัวเข้าไปก่อนทุกครั้งที่ทำงาน
4.ไม่มีวันหยุดสุดสัปดาห์ และไม่เคยหยุดพักร้อน
5.ไม่เคยได้รับค่าล่วงเวลา
6.ทำงานในที่มืด และไม่มีอากาศถ่ายเท
7.ทำงานในที่รัอนอบอ้าว
8.ทำงานที่ต้องเสี่ยงกับโรคติดต่อ

จึงเรียนมาเพื่อพิจารณา
 
 


ผุ้จัดการตอบมาว่าไม่อนุมัติ เนื่องจากเหตุผลดังนี้

1. คุณไม่ได้ทำงาน 8 ชมต่อวัน
2. คุณมักงีบหลับหลังทำงานเสมอ
3. คุณไม่ทำงานตามคำสั่งบ่อย ๆ
4.คุณไม่ประจำอยู่ในที่ทำงานคุณ และมักจะไปรับงานที่อื่นบ่อย ๆ
5.คุณไม่มีความเป็นผู้นำ ต้องอาศัยแรงกดดันและสั่นสะเทือนเพื่อกระตุ้นให้ทำงาน
6.คุณทิ้งให้ที่ทำงานสกปรก เลอะเทอะเมื่องานเสร็จ
7.คุณมักไม่ปฏิบัติตามกฎแห่งความปลอดภัย เช่นไม่สวมเสื้อป้องกัน
8.คุณเกษียณอายุก่อน 65 ปี
9.คุณไม่สามารถทำงานควบสองกะได้
10.บางครั้งคุณละทิ้งหน้าที่ก่อนเสร็จงาน หรือไม่งั้น คุณก็จะเข้า และออกจากที่งานพร้อมกับแบกกระเป๋าที่น่าสงสัยสองใบ

จึงแจ้งมาเพื่อทราบ

หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 19 กันยายน, 2005, 10:51:28 PM

Mary Ellen


A man is sitting reading his newspaper when his wife sneaks up and
whacks him real hard on the head with a frying pan.

"What was that for?" he asks.

"That was for the piece of paper in your trousers pocket with the name
of Mary Ellen written on it" she replies.

"Don't be silly," he says, "Two weeks ago when I went to the races,
Mary Ellen was the name of one of the horses I bet on."

She seems satisfied at this and apologizes.

Three days later, he is again sitting in his chair reading when she
nails him with an even bigger frying pan, instantly knocking him out
cold.

When he comes around he asks: "What was that for?"





"Your horse phoned!"



หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 19 กันยายน, 2005, 10:54:43 PM

Sending Telegrams



* A daughter sends a telegram to her father on her clearing B.Ed exams, which the father receives as

" Father, your daughter has been successful in BED."





* A husband, while he is on a business trip to a hill station sends a telegram to his wife " I wish you were here."

The message received by wife, "I wish you were her."




* A wife with near maturing pregnancy goes to railway station to return to her husband. At the reservation counter, while her turn came, it was the last ticket. Taking pity on a very old lady next to her in the queue, she offered her berth to the old lady and sent a telegram to her husband which reached as

" Shall be coming tomorrow, heavy rush in the train, gave birth to an old lady."





* And the most famous of them all...

A man wants to celebrate his wife's Birthday by throwing a party. So he goes to order a birthday cake.

The salesman asks him what message he wants to put on the cake. Well he thinks for a while and says let's put,

" you are not getting older you are getting better ".



The salesman asks "how do you want me to put it?"


The man says, Well put " You are not getting older", at the top

and "You are getting better" at the bottom.



The real fun didn't start until the cake was opened the entire party watched the message decorated on the cake




" You are not getting older at the top...... You are getting better at the bottom "






หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 23 กันยายน, 2005, 07:08:21 AM


สิ่งที่ห้ามทำ 5 ข้อ เมื่อคุณจะเข้านอน :

 
1) ห้ามใส่นาฬิกาข้อมือ เมื่อเข้านอน  ... เพราะนาฬิกาข้อมือจะปล่อย รังสีอะตอมขนาดเล็ก ออกมาขณะที่ร่างกายผักผ่อน  ซึ่งมันจะมีผลกระทบกับสุขภาพคุณแน่นอน
 

2) ห้ามใส่เสื้อชั้นในสตรี เมื่อเข้านอน ........ นักวิทยาศาสตร์อเมริกาได้ค้นพบว่าถ้าใส่ บราเกิน 12 ช.ม. ต่อวัน คุณๆ ผู้หญิงมีโอกาสเสี่ยงสูงใน การเป็นมะเร็งเต้านม ..... เข้านอนโดยปราศจากบราเถอะ
 

3) ห้ามวางโทรศัพท์มือถือไว้ใกล้ตัว เมื่อเข้านอน ....... ไม่แนะนำให้วางโทรศัพท์มือถือไว้บนเตียง หรือข้างเตียง โดยเฉพาะบางคนใช้มันเป็น นาฬิกาปลุก ควรวางไว้ห่างๆ ตัวเอง  ..... นักวิทยาศาสตร์พิสูจน์ได้ว่าวงจรอิเล็คโทรนิคในโทรศัพท์มือถือ  ชุดเครื่องเสียง
และโทรทัศน์จะปล่อยคลื่น  แม่เหล็กขณะใช้งาน ซึ่งส่งผลกระทบระบบประสาท

ดังนั้นถ้าคุณจำเป็นต้องวางไว้ใกล้ตัวขณะนอน......ปิดเครื่องพวกมัน


 
4) ห้ามเข้านอน โดยไม่ได้ล้าง  make up บนหน้า ..... ถ้าเข้านอนโดยไม่ได้ลบ Make up บนใบหน้า จะเกิดปัญหากับผิวในระยะยาวเพราะผิวหนังจะขับของเสียขณะนอนหลับได้ลำบาก
 







5) ห้ามเข้านอนกับ สามีหรือภรรยา ของคนอื่น  ....................





คุณอาจจะไม่ตื่นอีกเลย    :-[





หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 24 กันยายน, 2005, 08:39:25 AM

Brain's Change Result



Three women are out shopping at an antique shop. They stumble upon an unusual lamp. A voice heard from a genie within the lamp begs to be set free in return for granting each of them a wish.


Now one of the women just doesn't believe it, and says:

"Ok, if you can really grant wishes, than double my I.Q."    The genie says: "Done."

Suddenly, the woman starts reciting Shakespeare flawlessly and analysing it with extreme insight.




The second woman is so amazed she says to the genie : "Triple my I.Q." The genie says: "Done."

The woman starts to spout out all the mathematical solutions to problems that have been stumping all the scientists of varying fields: physics, chemistry, etc.




The last woman is so enthralled with the changes in her friends, that she says to the genie: "Quintiple my I.Q."

The genie looks at her and says: "You know, I normally don't try to change people's minds when they make a wish, but I really wish you'd reconsider."

The woman says: "Nope, I want you to increase my I.Q. times five, and if you don't do it, I won't set you free.

" "Please," says the genie "You don't know what you're asking...it'll change your entire view on the universe...won't you ask for something else...a million dollars, anything?" But no matter what the genie said, the woman insisted on having her I.Q. increased by five times it's usual power.

So the genie sighed and said: "Done."








And she became a man.  




หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 30 กันยายน, 2005, 10:12:02 PM


Automatic Radio



A lady bought a new Lexus. Cost a bundle. Two days later, she brought it back, complaining that the radio was not working.


"Madam," said the sales manager, "the audio system in this car is completely automatic. All you need to do is tell it what you want to listen to, and you will hear exactly that!"



She drove out, somewhat amazed and a little confused. She looked at the radio and said, "Nelson."

The radio responded, "Ricky or Willie?"



She was astounded. If she wanted Beethoven, that's what she got. If she wanted Nat King Cole, she got it.

She was stopped at a traffic light enjoying "On The Road Again" when the light turned green and she pulled out.



Suddenly an enormous sports utility vehicle coming from the street she was crossing sped toward her, obviously not paying attention to the light. She swerved and narrowly missed a collision.



" Idiot ! " she yelled

and, from the radio,






" Ladies and gentlemen, the President of the United States ."



หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 04 ตุลาคม, 2005, 11:18:49 PM

http://www.jokesgallery.com


Useful Sermon



A man once spent days looking for his new hat.

Finally, he decided that he'd go to church on Sunday  and sit at the back. During the service he would sneak out and grab a hat from the rack at the front door.


On Sunday, he went to church and sat at the back.

The sermon was about the 10 commandments. He sat through the whole sermon and instead of sneaking out he waited until the sermon was over and went to talk to the minister.


" Father, I came here today to steal a hat to replace the  one I lost. But after hearing your sermon on the 10  Commandments, I changed my mind. "



The minister said,

" Bless you my son. Was it when I  started to preach ' Thou shall not steal ,' that changed  your heart?"



The man responded,



 " No, it was the one on adultery. When you started to preach on that, I remembered where I left my hat."  





หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 08 ตุลาคม, 2005, 08:21:14 AM

http://www.jokesgallery.com


Some Marriage's Insights

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
-- Henny Youngman



My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
-- Rodney Dangerfield



A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
-- Milton Berle



I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
-- George Burns



What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? ........... About 30 pounds.
-- Cindy Garner



I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There was
water in the carburetor."

I said, "Where's the car?" She said,

"In the lake."

-- Henny Youngman




Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
-- Phyllis Diller



The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
-- Henny Youngman



People are always asking couples whose marriages have endured� at least a quarter of a century for their secret for success.
Actually, it is no secret at all. I am a forgiving woman.� Long ago, I forgave my husband for not being Paul Newman.
-- Erma Bombeck



After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I� was a fool when I married you."
The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."



When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.



I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.


My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two girlfriends.


A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.





หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 12 ตุลาคม, 2005, 11:00:26 PM


A Christian Deed




An atheist was taking a walk through the woods.

"What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.



He turned to look and saw a 7 foot grizzly bear charge towards him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him.

He looked over his shoulder again and the bear was even closer.

He triped and fell on the ground.
He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.



At that instant the Atheist cried out to the Lord.

Time stopped, the bear froze, the forest was silent. A bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky,

"You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't exist, and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"



The atheist looked directly into the light,

"It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps could you make the BEAR a Christian?"



"Very well," said the voice.

The light went out.



The sounds of the forest resumed. And then the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together and bowed his head and spoke:




" Lord, bless this food, which I am about to receive through Christ our Lord, Amen."




หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 13 ตุลาคม, 2005, 11:27:44 PM
from   http://www.pantown.com/board.php?id=5474&name=board1&topic=589&action=view




บอกให้อม แค่นี้ต้องให้บังคับด้วย  
    ;) 

 
 

บอกให้อม แค่นี้ต้องให้บังคับด้วย  

 


มีหญิงสาว กับชายหนุ่ม อยู่ในห้อง

สองต่อสอง ชายจับแท่ง แกว่งให้สั่น

ชายสั่งหญิง ให้อม ในปากพลัน

หญิงดื้อรั้น ชายเร่งเร้า ด้วยอารมณ์

จับโคนไว้ เอาปลายแหย่ ให้เข้าปาก

หญิงกระดาก หุบปากนิ่ง เอาหน้าก้ม

ชายก็บ่น เหตุผลใด ถึงไม่อม

ต้องขู่ข่ม ให้หายดื้อ กันหรือไร

พูดดีดี ก็ไม่ฟัง ต้องบังคับ

เอามือจับ ปากให้อ้า คว้าแท่งใส่

ใช้ปากอม เธอไม่เคย เลยหรือไง ?....


 
 












นี่ปรอท...วัดไข้ หมอให้อม ....     :-[


 
 
 
 
 
หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 14 ตุลาคม, 2005, 10:44:15 PM

http://www.jokesgallery.com





English Hospitality



An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the locals, and have a pint of bitter.


After a while, he finds himself in a very nice neighbourhood with big, stately residences. No pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all no public restrooms.


However, he really has to go, after all those Guinness's. He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.


As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London bobby, who says,

" Sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know."



"I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really have to go, and I just can't find a public restroom."


"Ah, yes," said the bobby, "just follow me". He leads the American to a back delivery alley to a gate, which he opens.



"In there," points the bobby, "whiz away sir, anywhere you like."



The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom.



Since he has the policeman's blessing, he relieves himself and feels much more comfortable. As he goes back through the gate, he says to the bobby

" That was really decent of you. Is that what you call English hospitality ? "



"No sir...", replied the bobby,







" that is what we call the French Embassy."    ;)



หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 25 ตุลาคม, 2005, 10:01:27 AM


Importance Of A Name

Peter decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Peter's station wagon and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm house and asked the attractive lady of the house if they could spend the night.



"I'm recently widowed," she explained, "and I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."



"Not to worry," Peter said, "we'll be happy to sleep in the barn."



Nine months later, Peter got a letter from the widow's attorney. He then went up to visit his friend Bob and said,

"Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow at the farm we stayed at?"

"Yes, I do."



"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and have sex with her?"

"Yes, I have to admit that I did."



"Did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"

Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, I'm afraid I did."






" Well, thanks! She just died and left me everything ! "






หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 25 ตุลาคม, 2005, 10:04:00 AM

http://www.jokesgallery.com/




Speed Limit




An old man was driving down the Interstate at 22 miles per hour, never going faster or slower.

A police officer noticed and followed him for a while, then pulled him over.


Before the officer could even get to the car, the man was saying, 'I was not speeding, the speed limit is 22 miles per hour and that is exactly what I was doing, I was not speeding.'



The police officer said, 'I didn't pull you over for speeding, I pulled you over for going too slow.'

'But the sign says 22.'


The officer explained that he was on Interstate 22.






As the man shook his head, the officer noticed that there were three older ladies in the back of the car.


All of them were sitting with their mouths hanging open and spit drooling down the side. Their faces were very white and their hair was completely messy.


The police officer leaned toward the man and asked, 'What's wrong with them?'







'Well, we just came off Interstate 134.'


หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 11 พฤศจิกายน, 2005, 08:11:33 PM
 ;)

หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 11 พฤศจิกายน, 2005, 08:13:54 PM

Subject: British  Intelligence -



This story was buried by the press- and has only been recently released by British Intelligence:


Osama Bin Laden himself decided to send George Bush a letter in his own handwriting, to let him know he was still in the game.


Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a single line of coded message:

370HSSV-0773H


Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Condi Rice. Condi and her aides had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI. No one could solve it at the FBI, so it went to the CIA, then to the NSA.


With no clue as to its meaning, they eventua lly asked Britain's MI-6 for help.


Within a few minutes MI-6 cabled the White House with this reply







" Tell the President he's holding the message upside down ! "




หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 23 พฤศจิกายน, 2005, 10:35:13 PM


Talking Centipede



A man walks into a pet shop and says to the owner.

" Ok I want to buy a pet, but I don't want a boring normal pet, no cats, or dogs or budgies I want something different."

The pet shop owner informs him that he has a talking centipede.

 " Really?" Says the man " How much?"

The owner informs him that the talking centipede is £50. Happy with the unusual offering the man pays the money and takes his new pet home.


On getting home he lays the match box with the centipede in it on the table, opens it and says

" Hello mr centipede, fancy going to the pub for a few drinks ? "

The centipede says nothing. Figuring it must be tired from the journey he decides to leave it for an hour and try again later.



An hour later he opens the match box and says
" Hello mr centipede, fancy going to the pub for a few drinks ?"

The centipede again says nothing. Starting to get suspicious the man decides he will give it one more hour, and if the centipede doesn't talk he will take it back to the shop for a refund.



An hour later the man opens the match box and says " Hello mr centipede, fancy going to the pub for a few drinks? "








 The centipede says " I heard you the first time you moron! I'm putting my shoes on! "



หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 02 ธันวาคม, 2005, 11:53:31 PM

Special Ring



An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.


The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him. The old man said,

 "I don't think you understand, I want something very special."




At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.

"Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said.



The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said,

 " We'll take it. "



The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by check.

" I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.



Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man.

" There's no money in that account."




"I know", said the old man,






" but can you imagine the weekend I had ? ".




หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 10 ธันวาคม, 2005, 08:33:07 AM
http://www.jokesgallery.com/ (http://www.jokesgallery.com/)



Couldn't Get It Up




Two twin brother, virgin midgets decide to get two hookers for their 21st birthday. So the two grab two hookers, rent a hotel room, turn off the lights and proceed to partake in the festivities.


The first midget gets so nervous that he can't get it up. After two hours of coaxing and stroking and praying, he throws the sheets over himself and gives up.

To makes things worse for the poor little fella, was that he had to listen to his brother say, '' One, two, three. Ugh! One, two, three. Ugh! '' all night long.



In the morning, the second midget greets his brother and asks him how his night went?


The first brother replies, '' Man, it was terrible. I couldn't even get my shit up.''



The second brother replies,





'' You couldn't get it up? I couldn't even get on the bed. "



หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 14 ธันวาคม, 2005, 11:01:30 PM


Beware Of Naked Peanuts



One day, a minister decided that he would visit some members of his congregation at their homes to encourage them and find out how they were doing.


After having already visited several members, he arrived at the door of a poor, elderly widow. He rang.


She answered, and let him in. He was ushered into the living room where he and the widow sat down and began a casual conversation.



After a few minutes into his conversation, he noticed a candy dish, full of peanuts, on the coffee table.

Under ordinary circumstances, he would not have asked the question, but it was almost noon, and he hadn't eaten anything since his early breakfast and he was beginning to feel quite hungry.


So, he asked the widow, "do you mind if I have some of these nuts?"

"Help yourself," she replied. So, he did.




Well, they continued chatting, when the minister realized that he had finished all the peanuts in the dish.

He felt quite embarrassed for having gotten so carried away in his conversation, that he didn't even think to leave some in the dish for her.



So, shamefully, he said to her, "I'm really sorry. It seems that I've eaten all your peanuts - I didn't mean to finish them all. Please forgive me."



The poor, elderly widow casually waved her hand at him and said,




" Oh, that's quite all right. Since I don't have any teeth, all I can do is suck the chocolate off them anyway  ! "   :black_eye 









หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 14 ธันวาคม, 2005, 11:05:59 PM


Problems In Maths



Little Tommy was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything; tutors, flash cards, special learning centers, in short, everything they could think of. Finally in a last ditch effort, they took Tommy down and enrolled him in the local Catholic School.




After the first day, little Tommy comes home with a very serious look on his face. He doesn't kiss his mother hello. Instead, he goes straight to his room & starts studying. Books & papers are spread out all over the room and little Tommy is hard at work. His mother is amazed.

She calls him down to dinner and to her shock, the minute he is done he marches back to his room without a word and in no time he is back hitting the books as hard as before. This goes on for sometime, day after day while the mother tries to understand what made all the difference.




Finally, little Tommy brings home his report card. He quietly lays it on the table and goes up to his room and hits the books.

With great trepidation, his mom looks at it and to her surprise, little Tommy got an A in math.


She can no longer hold her curiosity.



She goes to his room and says: "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?"

Little Tommy looks at her and shakes his head "No".


"Well then", she replies, "was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms, WHAT was it?".





Little Tommy looks at her and says,






" Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around. "   :-[




หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 25 ธันวาคม, 2005, 08:25:24 PM


Happy Gorrila



It's a beautiful, warm spring morning and a man and his wife are spending the day at the zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps. He's wearing his normal jeans and a T-shirt.


The zoo is not very busy this morning.As they walk through the ape exhibit, they pass in front of a very large hairy
gorilla. Noticing the woman, the gorilla goes ape. He jumps up on the bars, and holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), he
grunts and pounds his chest with his free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress.


The husband, noticing the excitement, thinks this is funny. He suggests that his wife teases the poor fellow some more.
The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom at him, and play along.


She does, and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead.

Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin.

She does, and Mr. Gorilla is about to tear the bars down.


"Now try lifting your dress up your thighs and sort of fan it at him." he says.

This drives the gorilla absolutely crazy and now he's doing flips.


Then the husband nabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to the cage, slings her into the cage with the gorilla
and slams the cage door shut.




 " Now, tell HIM you have a headache . . . "     ;)



หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 25 ธันวาคม, 2005, 08:27:38 PM

Guardian Angel



A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice.

"Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you."

The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished.




He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted:

"Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die."

The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.




"Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?"

"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.




"Oh yeah?" the man asked.





 " And where the hell were you when I got married ?"




หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 27 ธันวาคม, 2005, 04:14:54 PM
อุ อุ .... เพื่อนส่งมาให้อ่านครับ ....  ;)




องค์หญิงโดนของแข็ง


กาลครั้งหนึ่งไม่นานเท่าไหร่หรอกหญิงนางหนึ่งถูกสาปไว้  ถ้าจับสิ่งใดขอให้หลอมละลายกลายเป็นไอน้ำ พระราชาเป็นห่วงบุตรี หาวิธีแก้ไขอย่างไรก็มิหาย หมดหนทางที่จะช่วยบุตรี

แต่จู่ ๆ ก็มีนางฟ้ามาปรากฏกายขึ้น และก็จะถอนคำสาปให้หายโดยพลัน แต่นางมีข้อแม้อย่างหนึ่งว่า
" จะต้องมีชายคนหนึ่งหาสิ่งใดก็ได้มาให้บุตรีจับแล้วไม่ละลาย คำสาปนั้นจึงจะหายไป "



พระราชาไม่รอช้ามุ่งหน้าป่าวประกาศโดยพลัน

หากชายใดสามารถถอนคำสาปได้ใน 1 วัน  ฉันจะยกลูกสาวให้เจ้าไป จนสามารถคัดเลือกเหลือ 3 คน


คนที่หนึ่งจึงเริ่มเอาของดีมาแก้ไข หยิบโครตเพชรเม็ดงามให้ ทรามวัย

เจ้าหญิงจึงยื่นมือไปแล้วแตะในทันที ยังไม่ทันจะแตะได้เต็มมือ เพชรก็หายละลายไปสิ้น

" ฉันเสียใจด้วยจริงๆ เพชรเม็ดนี้ต้องละลายไป " เจ้าหญิงกล่าว



ชายคนที่สองรองถัดมาก็เดินมาเบื้องหน้าของเจ้าหญิง  ยื่นเหล็กแหลมแข็งแกร่งไม่อ่อนนิ่มให้เจ้าหญิงลองจับสัมผัสดู

แต่แล้วมันก็ละลายหายไปหมด

" เธอก็อด ตกรอบไปเสียสิ้น "



คนสุดท้ายเดินมาตัวปล่าวไม่มีทรัพย์สิน  บอกเจ้าหญิงจงเอามือล้วงลงไปในกางเกง

เจ้าหญิงจึงล้วงลงไปในกางเกงของชายผู้นั้น หน้าเจ้าหญิงก็เริ่มแดง ด้วยความเขินอาย

แล้วจึงรีบดึงมือออกโดยพลัน หันมาบอกราชา

" เสด็จพ่อเพคะ ...มัน.... มันยังแข็งอยู่เลยคะ"



ในที่สุดชายคนที่ 3 ก็ได้เป็นผู้ชนะไป

พระราชาสงสัย มันคือะไร อยู่ในกางเกงของชายผู้นั้น .....?

ชายคนที่ 3 ไม่ยอมตอบ ได่แต่อมยิ้ม และ ก็ได้ล้วงเข้าไปในกางเกงของเขา แล้วหยิบมันออกมา

มันคือ ? ............................






M&M   ชอคโกแลต ละลายในปาก ไม่ละลายในมือ งัยอ่ะ   ;)   ^-^


หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 28 ธันวาคม, 2005, 10:09:37 PM


Dead Cow



On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons.

Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the familys only cow was lying dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless to her -- how could she possibly continue to feed her family now?


In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself. When the husband awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in the head.


Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead (and the cow), and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself.



When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank. She said, Ive seen all and know the reason for your despair. But if you will have sex with me five times in a row, I will restore your parents and the cow to you.

The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply unable to satisfy her again. So the mermaid drowned him in the river.




Next the second oldest son woke up. After discovering what had happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river.

The mermaid said to him, If you will have sex with me ten times in a row, I will make everything right. And while the son tried his best (seven times), it was not enough to satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river.



The youngest son woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead cow in the field, and his brothers gone. He decided that life was a hopeless prospect, and he went down to the river to throw himself in.


And there he also met the mermaid. I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything right if you will only have sex with me fifteen times in a row.

The young son replied, Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row?



The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request.

Then he said, Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row?

And even as she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said, Why not THIRTY times in a row?



Finally, she said, Enough Okay, if you will have sex with me thirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect health.



Then the young son asked:








" Wait How do I know that thirty times in a row wont kill you like it did the cow ? "     ;)











หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 07 มกราคม, 2006, 11:06:41 PM

Revange In Vegas


A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket. If he could just get to the airport he'd be able to get home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting.


He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, even offering his credit card numbers, drivers license number, address, and so forth, but to no avail. The cabbie yelled, "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!"

So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.



One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to catch a ride back to the airport.


Naturally, sitting at the end of a long line of cabs was his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the driver pay for his lack of charity, when he came up with the perfect plan.


He got in the first cab in line, "How much for a ride to the airport," he asked?


"Fifteen bucks," came the reply.

"And how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way?"


"What?! Get the hell out of my cab."




The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result.



When he finally got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?"


The cabbie replied, "fifteen bucks."

The businessman said "ok" and off they went.



Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.




หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 07 มกราคม, 2006, 11:10:56 PM

Tender Aligator




A guy walks into a bar with his pet alligator, puts the gator up on the bar, and faces the patrons. "If I open this alligator’s mouth and place my genitals inside, leave ’em there for five minutes, then remove my unit unscathed, will each of you buy me a drink?"


The crowd murmurs its approval, so he gets up on the bar, drops his pants, and places his privates in the alligator’s open mouth. The gator then closes its mouth as the crowd gasps.


After five minutes, the man grabs a beer bottle and raps the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opens its mouth and the man removes his genitals—unscathed, as promised. The crowd cheers, and the first of his free drinks is delivered.



"Anyone else have the guts to give it a try?" the man dares the crowd.



After a few seconds, a blonde woman timidly speaks up.



" I’ll do it, but no hitting me on the head with the bottle."  

หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 11 มกราคม, 2006, 07:49:30 PM
 ;)

หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 11 มกราคม, 2006, 07:49:52 PM
 ^-^

หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 28 มกราคม, 2006, 06:37:22 AM

from http://www.jokesgallery.com (http://www.jokesgallery.com)


39 Children



Maria is a devout Catholic: She gets married and has 17 children. Soon after the last child is born her husband dies.


A few weeks later she remarries and over the following years has another 22 children with her second husband.

After the last child is born her second husband also dies.



Within a month Maria is engaged to be married a third time. Unfortunately she becomes very ill and dies.


At her wake, the priest looks tenderly at Maria as she lies in her coffin, looks up to the heavens and says,

" At least, they're finally together."



A man standing next to the priest asks,

"Excuse me, Father, but do you mean Maria and her first husband, or Maria and her second husband?"




The priest says, " I mean her legs."


หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 01 กุมภาพันธ์, 2006, 10:15:16 AM
 :)

หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 01 กุมภาพันธ์, 2006, 10:15:32 AM
 ;)
หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 01 กุมภาพันธ์, 2006, 10:15:53 AM
 ^-^
หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 01 กุมภาพันธ์, 2006, 10:16:11 AM
 :)

หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 01 กุมภาพันธ์, 2006, 10:16:29 AM
 ;)

หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 01 กุมภาพันธ์, 2006, 10:16:48 AM
 ^-^

หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 01 กุมภาพันธ์, 2006, 10:17:15 AM
 :bye1

หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 18 กุมภาพันธ์, 2006, 08:52:46 AM

How to tell if a fly is a guy or gal


JUST TOO CUTE.

This is the cleanest E-mail joke I've come across in a long while!





A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.


" What are you doing?" She asked.


"Hunting Flies" He responded.

" Oh.. Killing any?" She asked.

" Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. " How can you tell them apart? "







He responded, " 3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."    ;)



หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 03 มีนาคม, 2006, 07:02:53 AM


Mandela
 
 
Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer when  he hears a knock at the door. When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a clip board and yelling,

"You Sign! You sign!".


Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts pipes.

Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man  starts to yell louder, "You Sign! You sign!"

Nelson says to him, "Look, you've obviously got the wrong man", and shuts the door in his face.


 
The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it, the little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads. He thrusts  his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling, "You sign! You sign!"
 

Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he pushes the little Chinese man back, shouting:

"Look, go away! You've got the wrong man! I don't want them!"

Then he slams the door in his face again.



 

The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again. On opening the door, there is the same little Chinese man thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting, "You sign! You sign!"


 Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts. This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little man by his shirt front and yells at him:


"Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give 'em these to?"

 
The little Chinese man looks very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and  says,






"You not Nissan Main Dealer?"
หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 06 มีนาคม, 2006, 04:49:23 PM


เพื่อนส่งมาให้ครับ


คำถามชิง Miss Universe  

คำถาม Inter มุมมองน่าขัน (คลายเครียดยามบ่าย)

พิธีกรผู้ตั้งคำถาม : มิส อเมริกา ไม่ทราบว่า ในประเทศของคุณ  คุณให้คำจำกัดความของ อวัยวะของผู้ชาย(ไอ้นั่น) ว่า อย่างไร ?
มิส อเมริกา : ในบ้านของไอ เราเรียกมันว่า>สุภาพบุรุษ
พิธีกรผู้ตั้งคำถาม : ทำไมคุณถึงพูดอย่างนั้นล่ะ?
มิส อเมริกา: เพราะว่ามันลุกขึ้นทุกครั้ง ที่เห็นสุภาพสตรี
   (เสียงปรบมือ แปะๆ! แปะๆ!)



พิธีกรผู้ตั้งคำถาม : มิส สเปน ไม่ทราบว่า ในประเทศของคุณ  คุณให้คำจำกัดความของ อวัยวะของผู้ชาย(ไอ้นั่น) ว่า อย่างไร ?
มิส สเปน : ไอ้นั่นของผู้ชาย ในประเทศของเรา เหมือนกับ วัวกระทิง ที่เราใช้ในการแสดงการสู้วัวกระทิง
พิธีกรผู้ตั้งคำถาม : ทำไมคุณถึงพูดอย่างนั้นล่ะ?
มิส สเปน : เพราะว่า มันพุ่งเข้าหาทุกครั้ง ที่เห็นช่องเปิด
          (เสียงปรบมือ แปะๆ! แปะๆ!)



พิธีกรผู้ตั้งคำถาม : มิส ฟิลิปปินส์ ไม่ทราบว่า ในประเทศของคุณ  คุณให้คำจำกัดความของ อวัยวะของผู้ชาย(ไอ้นั่น) ว่า อย่างไร ?
มิสฟิลิปปินส์ : ฉันพูดได้เลยว่า ไอ้นั่นของผู้ชายในบ้านดิฉัน  เหมือนกับข่าวซุบซิบ และ ข่าวลือ
พิธีกรผู้ตั้งคำถาม : ทำไมคุณถึงพูดอย่างนั้นล่ะ?
มิส ฟิลิปปินส์ : เพราะว่า มันผ่านจากปากนึง สู่อีกปากนึงต่อๆกัน
   (เสียงปรบมือ แปะๆ! แปะๆ!  พร้อมทั้งลุกขึ้นโห่กรี๊ดลั่นต่อด้วยเสียงปรบมือยาว )



พิธีกรผู้ตั้งคำถาม : มิส อิหร่าน ไม่ทราบว่า ในประเทศของคุณ  คุณให้คำจำกัดความของ อวัยวะของผู้ชาย(ไอ้นั่น) ว่า อย่างไร ?
มิส อิหร่าน : โอ้ ในบ้านชั้น เราว่า ไอ้นั่น ของผู้ชายมันเหมือนกับขโมย
พิธีกรผู้ตั้งคำถาม : ทำไมคุณถึงพูดอย่างนั้นล่ะ?
มิส อิหร่าน : เพราะว่า พวกมันชอบเข้า ทางประตูหลัง
     (เสียงปรบมือ แปะๆ! แปะๆ! พร้อมเสียงหัวเราะดังลั่น ยาวต่อด้วยเสียงปรบมือยาว )


พิธีกรผู้ตั้งคำถาม : มิส อินเดีย ไม่ทราบว่า ในประเทศของคุณ  คุณให้คำจำกัดความของอวัยวะของผู้ชาย(ไอ้นั่น) ว่า อย่างไร ?
มิส อินเดีย : อืมมม ในประเทศ ของฉานๆๆ เรา ว่าไอ้นั่น ของผู้ชายมันคล้ายกับ กรรมกร
พิธีกรผู้ตั้งคำถาม : ทำไมคุณถึงพูดอย่างนั้นล่ะ?
มิส อินเดีย : เพราะว่าพวกมันต้องทำงานหนัก ทั้งกลางวัน และกลางคืนน่ะสิ
(เสียงปรบมือ แปะๆ! แปะๆ! แปะๆ! แปะๆ!แปะๆ! แปะๆ!แปะๆ! แปะๆ!ติดต่อกันยาวนาน )




พิธีกรผู้ตั้งคำถาม : มิส มาเลเซีย ไม่ทราบว่า ในประเทศของคุณ  คุณให้คำจำกัดความของ อวัยวะของผู้ชาย(ไอ้นั่น) ว่า อย่างไร ?
มิสมาเลเซีย : อ้อ ในมาเลเซีย เราคิดว่าไอ้นั่นของผู้ชายเหมือนรถโปรตอน  รถแห่งชาติ ของเรานี่แหละ
พิธีกรผู้ตั้งคำถาม : ทำไมคุณถึงพูดอย่างนั้นล่ะ?
มิส มาเลเซีย : เพราะว่า แม้ว่ามันจะดูบึกบึน แต่ความจริงแล้ว มันอ่อนมากๆ
(เสียงปรบมือ แปะๆ! แปะๆ! พร้อมเสียงหัวเราะดังลั่น ยาวต่อด้วยเสียงปรบมือยาว )



พิธีกรผู้ตั้งคำถาม : มิส สิงค์โปร์ ไม่ทราบว่า ในประเทศของคุณ  คุณให้คำจำกัดความของ อวัยวะของผู้ชาย(ไอ้นั่น) ว่า อย่างไร ?
มิสสิงค์โปร์ : ในสิงค์โปร์ เราเรียกไอ้นั่นของผู้ชาย ว่าพวก Kia-Su พวกกลัวพลาด)
พิธีกรผู้ตั้งคำถาม : ทำไมคุณถึงพูดอย่างนั้นล่ะ?
มิส สิงค์โปร์ : เพราะพวกมันชอบที่จะพรวดพราดเข้าไปอย่างรวดเร็วแล้ว  ก็รีบออกมา 15นาที ก่อนการแสดงจะจบทุกที
(เสียงปรบมือ แปะๆ! แปะๆ! แปะๆ! แปะๆ!แปะๆ! แปะๆ!แปะๆ! แปะๆ! ติดต่อกันยาวนาน )




พิธีกรผู้ตั้งคำถาม : มิส ไชน่า ไม่ทราบว่า ในประเทศของคุณ  คุณให้คำจำกัดความของ อวัยวะของผู้ชาย(ไอ้นั่น) ว่า อย่างไร ?
มิส ไชน่า : ในจีนพวกเราว่าไอ้นั่นของผู้ชายคล้ายกับท่านผู้นำ Deng Siu Ping.
พิธีกรผู้ตั้งคำถาม : ทำไมคุณถึงพูดอย่างนั้นล่ะ?
มิส ไชน่า : คือว่า แม้มัน สั้น(เตี้ย) และ ต้องตรากตรำ งานหนัก
แต่ว่ามันก็ยัง ทำงานได้จนถึงอายุ 90 ปี
(เสียงปรบมือ แปะๆ! แปะๆ! พร้อมเสียงหัวเราะดังลั่น ยาว ต่อด้วยเสียงปรบมือยาว )



พิธีกรผู้ตั้งคำถาม : มิสไทยแลนด์ ไม่ทราบว่า ในประเทศของคุณ  คุณให้คำจำกัดความของ อวัยวะของผู้ชาย(ไอ้นั่น) ว่า อย่างไร ?
มิสไทยแลนด์ : ในประเทศของเรา เราเปรียบไอ้นั่นเหมือนกับ นักการเมือง
พิธีกรผู้ตั้งคำถาม : ทำไมคุณถึงพูดอย่างนั้นล่ะ?
มิส มิสไทยแลนด์ : อ๋อ เพราะว่า พวกมันวันๆ งานการไม่ทำ ได้แต่เดินแกว่งไป แกว่งมา แล้วก็ถุย!!!ไปวันๆ เท่านั้น
หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 20 พฤษภาคม, 2006, 01:13:58 PM

http://www.jokesgallery.com/ (http://www.jokesgallery.com/)



Praying And Sleeping


Two men arrive at the Pearly Gates at about the same time, both wanting to know if they will be admitted to heaven. St. Peter asks the first man his name, where he is from, and what he did in life.


The man answers that he is John Smith and that he was a taxi driver in New York City.

St. Peter looks through his book, then gives the man a luxurious silken robe and a golden staff, and bids him welcome into heaven for his eternal reward.



St. Peter then asks the second man the same questions. He replies that his name is Thomas O’Malley, and that he was a Catholic priest in Chicago. St. Peter looks in his book, then gives him a cotton robe and a wooden staff, and bids him to enter into heaven for his eternal reward.



Father O’Malley says, " Wait a minute! Why did that taxi driver get a silken robe and golden staff while I, a Catholic Priest and a man of God, got a cotton robe and wooden staff? "



St. Peter told him that the rewards in heaven are based on results,





....... and while Father O’Malley preached, people slept,  but while John Smith drove, people prayed ! .......    ;)





หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 20 พฤษภาคม, 2006, 01:17:09 PM


Kayak Accident


The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers.


"We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife," said one trooper.

"Tell me! Did you find her?!" Wilkens shouted.



The troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"


Fearing the worst, an ashen Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."

The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in Kachemak Bay."

"Oh my God!" exclaimed Wilkens. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?"



The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 twenty-five pound king crabs and 6 good-size Dungeness crabs clinging to her."



Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great news?"









The trooper said, " We're going to pull her up again tomorrow."


หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 20 พฤษภาคม, 2006, 01:20:33 PM


Elderly Proposal




There were these two elderly people living in a Florida mobile home park. He was a widower and she a widow. They had known one another for a number of years.



Now, one evening there was a community supper in the big activity center. These two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal went on, he made a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered up his courage to ask her,

"Will you marry me?"

After about six seconds of 'careful consideration,' she answered. "Yes. Yes, I will."


The meal ended and with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their respective places.

Next morning, he was troubled. "Did she say 'yes' or did she say 'no'?" He couldn't remember.

Try as he would, he just could not recall. No even a faint memory. With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her. First, he explained to her that he didn't remember as well as he used to.


Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained a little more courage, he then inquired of her, "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did you say 'No'?"


He was delighted to hear her say, "Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and I meant it with all my heart."



Then she continued,






" And I am so glad that you called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me."     ;)






หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 31 พฤษภาคม, 2006, 10:10:47 PM


Free Riders




Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.


"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.

They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.


Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "ticket, please."

The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.



The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all!) When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip.


To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all.

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed accountant.



"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.

When they board the train the three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs.




Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding.



 He knocks on the door and says, "ticket, please."




หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 07 มิถุนายน, 2006, 10:52:11 PM


Johnny wanted to screw a girl in his office.....but she belonged to someone else...
 
One day Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said

"I'll  give  you a 1000 dollars if you let  me screw you" .

.....but the girl said "NO."



 
Johnny said " I'll be fast, I'll throw the money on the floor, you  bend down, I'll be finished by the time you pick it up."




She thought for a moment and  said that she would have to consult her boyfriend......so she called her boyfriend and told him the story. 
 
Her boyfriend says "ask him for 2000 dollars, pick up the money very fast, he won't even be able to get his  pants down."



 
So she agrees and accepts the proposal.   Half  an hour goes by and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call.

Finally after 45 mins the boyfriend calls and asks what happened......








She said " THE BASTARD USED COINS !!! "    ;)






หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 10 มิถุนายน, 2006, 12:45:10 AM
Too'  Story


I was happy.

My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.
My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream!

There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister.


My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses.

She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.


One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.


I was in total shock and couldn't say a word.

She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me."


I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me.

 I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car.


My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said,

"We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family".




The moral of this story is:









Always keep your condoms in your car.     ;)


หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 14 มิถุนายน, 2006, 09:16:34 PM


Fast Pope


The Pope arrives at JFK and he's met at a baggage claim by a driver in a bad suit and a clip-on tie, holding a hand-lettered sign that says, "Pope."


After getting all the Pope's luggage loaded in the limo-and His Holiness doesn't travel light, the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.

"Hey, Mr. Pope," says the driver in accented English, "Why have you not seated yourself in the excellent limo?"



"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "They never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive."

"That is very much against the rules!" protested the driver, wishing he'd never left Calcutta.




"There might be something extra in it for you," said the Pope.

Reluctantly, the driver got in the back as the Pope got in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regretted his decision when, after clearing the airport, the Pope accelerated the limo to 105 mph.



"Please be driving not so rapidly, Mr. Pope," pleaded the worried driver, but the Pope kept the pedal to the metal. Then they heard the siren.

"Oh, my Gods, now I am surely losing my license," moaned the driver.



The Pope pulled over and rolled down the window as the patrolman approached, but the cop took one look at him, went back to his motorcycle, and got on the radio.



"I need to talk to the Chief," he said to the dispatch.

When the Chief got on the radio, the cop told him that he'd stopped a limo going a hundred and five.



"So bust him," said the Chief.

"I think the guy's a big shot," said the cop.

"All the more reason."



"No, I mean really a big shot," said the cop.



"What'd ya got there, the Mayor?"

"Bigger."



"Governor."

"Bigger."




"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"

"I don't know," said the cop.






" But he's got the Pope driving for him."  




หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 14 มิถุนายน, 2006, 09:26:31 PM


The Way To Heaven



The nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class one morning and  she asked the question,

"When you die and go to Heaven... which part of  your body goes first?"



Suzy raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands."

Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?"



Suzy replied, "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first."


"What a wonderful answer!" the nun said.



Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sister, I think it's your legs."



The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face.

"Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your legs?"




Little Johnny said, " Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom the other night. Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying,


" Oh God,I'm coming ! " If Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her."



The nun fainted





หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 14 มิถุนายน, 2006, 09:29:38 PM


Finding Jesus



A Sunday School teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth.


He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that he grew up, etc. So he asked his class,

"Where is Jesus today?"


Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven."

 Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart."



Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurts out - "I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!!!"


The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response.

The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.






And Little Johnny said, "Well...every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells -







'Jesus Christ, are you still in there!?'!"  



หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 14 มิถุนายน, 2006, 09:33:41 PM


A Christian Deed




An atheist was taking a walk through the woods.

"What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself. As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.



He turned to look and saw a 7 foot grizzly bear charge towards him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him.



He looked over his shoulder again and the bear was even closer.

He triped and fell on the ground.
He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.


At that instant the Atheist cried out to the Lord.



Time stopped, the bear froze, the forest was silent. A bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky,


"You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't exist, and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"



The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps could you make the BEAR a Christian?"




"Very well," said the voice.

The light went out.



The sounds of the forest resumed. And then the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together and bowed his head and spoke:





"Lord, bless this food, which I am about to receive through Christ our Lord, Amen."  

หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 20 มิถุนายน, 2006, 10:08:51 PM

http://www.jokesgallery.com (http://www.jokesgallery.com)



Ten Dollars



Fred and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year. Every year Fred would say, "Edna, I'd like to ride in that there airplane."

And every year Edna would say, "I know Fred, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."



One year Fred and Edna went to the fair and Fred said, "Edna, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance."

 Edna replied, "Fred that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."





The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars."



Fred and Edna agreed and up they go. The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He does all his tricks over again, but still not a word.



They land and the pilot turns to Fred, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."




Fred replied, " Well, I was going to say something when Edna fell out of the plane, but ten dollars is ten dollars."



หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 22 กรกฎาคม, 2006, 10:45:23 AM


 เพื่อนส่งมาให้ครับ ....


Honey Moon



*Fred and Mary get married but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back
to Fred's Mom and Dad's for their first night together.


In the morning, Johnny , Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks hismom if Fred and Mary are up yet.

She replies, "No".

Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?

His mom replies, "I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school."



Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"

She replies, "No."  Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?"

His mom replies, "Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school."


After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"

His mom says, "No."  He asks, "Do you know what I think?"

His  mom replies, "Ok, now tell me what you think?"




He says: " Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane  glue."   



หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 22 กรกฎาคม, 2006, 10:48:41 AM

Surprise



On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm.


The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is  struck by lightning.

One woman, in particular, loses it.


Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die," she wails.

Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth  to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"



For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril.


They all stare, eyes riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the  plane.


Then a cowboy from Wyoming stands up in the rear of the plane. He  is handsome: well built, with dark brown hair and blue eyes.  He starts to walk
slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt, one button at a time.

No one moves.



He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest.



She gasps . . .


He whispers . . .









" Iron this. Then get me a beer."  




หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 25 กรกฎาคม, 2006, 11:07:35 PM


from http://www.jokesgallery.com (http://www.jokesgallery.com)




Hiding Smokers



Two nuns were in back of the convent smoking cigarettes, when one said,

"It's bad enough that we have to sneak out here to smoke, but it really is a problem getting rid of the cigarette butts so Mother Superior doesn't find them."




The second nun said, "I've found a marvelous invention called the condom, which really solves this problem. You just open the packet up, take out the condom, and put the cigarette butt in, roll it up, and dispose of it all later!"




The first nun was quite impressed and asked where she could find them.

"You get them at the drug store, sister, just go and ask the pharmacist for them."



The next day the good sister went to the drug store and walked up to the counter.

"Good morning, sister," said the pharmacist.  "What can I do for you today?"




"I'd like some condoms, please," said the nun. The pharmacist was a little taken aback, but recovered soon enough and asked,

"How many boxes would you like? There are twelve to a box."


"I'll take six boxes - that should last about a week," she replied.




The pharmacist was truly flabbergasted by this time, and was almost afraid to ask any more questions, but his professionalism prevailed and he asked in a clear voice,


" Sister, what size condoms would you like - we have large, extra large, and big liar size."



The sister thought for a minute, and finally said,






" I'm not certain, perhaps you could recommend a good size for a Camel."









หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 25 กรกฎาคม, 2006, 11:11:46 PM



Where Babies Come From




A teenage girl comes home from school and asks her mother.

" Is it true what Rita just told me? Babies come out of the same place where boys put their p*nises ? "



"Yes, dear," replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and she wouldn't have to explain it to her daughter.



"But then when I have a baby," the teenager pondered,




" won't it knock all my teeth out ? "      ;)





หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 05 สิงหาคม, 2006, 09:30:26 AM


from http://www.jokesgallery.com (http://www.jokesgallery.com)




Enlarging The Breast




A husband, tired of his wife asking him how she looks, buys her a full length mirror. This does little to help, as now she just stands in front of the mirror, looking at herself, asking him how she looks.


One day, fresh out of the shower, she is yet again in front of the mirror, now complaining that her breasts are too small.



The husband comes up with a suggestion.

“ If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper, and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds. ”



Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts.

 “ How long will this take ? ” she asks.


“ They’ll grow larger over a period of years, ” he replies.


The wife stops. “ Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the years ? ”







The husband shrugs. “ Why not, it worked for your ass, didn't it ? ”






หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 09 สิงหาคม, 2006, 11:12:28 AM

Losing Weight


A fellow was reading the paper one day lamenting the fact that his doctor has ordered him to lose 75 pounds. Next thing he sees is an advertisement for a guaranteed weight loss program. He's skeptical, but says to himself, "Let's see what they can do."

He calls them on the phone and subscribes to the 3 day, 10 LB weight loss program.



The next day there comes a knock at his door, and when he answers, there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nikes and a sign hanging around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.

The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."

Without a second thought he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her. After they are through he kisses the girl one last time and thinks to himself with a nod, "I like the way this company does business."

For the next two days, the same girl shows up and the same thing happens each time. On the fourth day, he weighs himself and, sure enough, he lost 10 pounds.





Deciding that he likes his somewhat more slender physique, not to mention the method of treatment, he calls the company back and subscribes to their 5 day, 20 LB weight loss program. He thinks that losing 20 pounds in only 5 days seems like a lot, but he is intrigued by what their workout schedule might be like this time.

As expected, the next day there comes a knock at his door. When he answers it there stands a 22 year old knockout dressed in nothing but a pair of Reeboks and a sign hanging around her neck. She is simply stunning, the most beautiful woman he has ever seen. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."

He's out the door like a shot. This gal is in excellent shape and it takes a while to catch her. But when he does, it is worth every cramp and wheeze. She is wonderful, the best he has ever had. For the next four days, the same girl shows up and the same thing happens each time, much to his delight. On the sixth day, he weighs himself and, unbelievably, he has lost another 20 pounds.



I love this company, he thinks to himself, "I never knew losing weight could be so easy and so much fun." Feeling much better about himself, he decides to go for broke and subscribe to the company's 7 day, 50 pound weight loss program.

"Are you sure, sir?" Asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most vigorous program."

"Absolutely," he replies, "I love your program. Haven't felt this good in years!"


 

The next day there comes a knock at his door and he enthusiastically answers it.



There stands before him a 200 pound perfect specimen of a man  dressed in nothing but racing spikes and a sign around his neck. He introduces himself as a representative of the
weight loss company. The sign reads,





"If I can catch you, I can have you."  






หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 09 สิงหาคม, 2006, 11:34:37 AM



Bad Golfer



Dangerous shot


Tired of being a golf widow, a woman took up the game and wound up playing with her husband on a country course one day.

He hit his drive way off into the rough, behind a barn. She came over to take a look, surveyed the situation, and suggested that if he opened both barn doors he could hit his ball straight through the barn to the green.


He saw this as an excellent idea, complimented her for her suggestion, then opened the doors and stepped up to the ball. He made a swing and great contact. Unfortunately, the ball was off line, careened off the door frame, hit the wife in the head and killed her.



Years went by, the man finally remarried, and this time found himself a golfer for a wife. Incredibly, the same situation occurs. The man is in the rough behind the same barn. His new wife took a look at his ball and suggested that he could make the green if he opened both barn doors and hit through the barn.


"No way," he replied. "I can't do that."

"Why not?" she asked.

He responded, "The last time I did that something terrible happened."

"What happened?" she asked.








The man answered, " I got a double bogey."  




หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 09 สิงหาคม, 2006, 11:38:06 AM



Sex Capabilities



A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an Australian on an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives.


"Last night I made love to my wife four times," the Frenchman bragged, "and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me."


"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian responded, "and this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never love another man."



When the Australian remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, "And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?"


"Once," he replied.


"Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted. "And what did she say to you this morning?"








" Don't stop."





หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 11 สิงหาคม, 2006, 09:59:45 PM




from :  http://www.jokesgallery.com (http://www.jokesgallery.com)




Church Bells Sex



On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her.


When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, " He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."



Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.


" Oh no, my dear, " replied granny.

" Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."




She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued,






" And if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today! "



หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 16 สิงหาคม, 2006, 10:03:24 PM


อันนี้ เพื่อนส่งมาให้ครับ...




MARRIAGE HUMOR


 
   

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
Sacha Guitry


After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
Hemant Joshi


By all means marry.  If you get a good wife, you'll be happy.  If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Socrates


Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
Dumas


The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What does a woman want?
Sigmund Freud


I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
Anonymous


"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage.  We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week.  A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing.  She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
Henry Youngman


"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."
Sam Kinison


"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage."
James Holt McGavran


"I've had bad luck with both my wives.  The first one left me and the second one didn't."
Patrick Murray


Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming  1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,  2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
Nash


The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once...
Anonymous


You know what I did before I married?  Anything I wanted to.
Henny Youngman


My wife and I were happy for twenty years.  Then we met.
Rodney Dangerfield


A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
Milton Berle


Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.
Anonymous


A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted".   Next day he received a hundred letters.  They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
Anonymous



 ;)




หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 16 สิงหาคม, 2006, 10:10:31 PM



YOU'RE THE FATHER OF ONE OF MY KIDS



A guy goes to a supermarket and notices a beautiful blonde wave at him saying hello.


He's rather taken back, because he can't place where he knows her from,  so he says "Do you know me?"


to which she replies,  " I think you're the father of one of my kids."



Now he thinks back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his  wife and says,


" My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I laid on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my ass with wet celery and then stuck a carrot up my butt?"









She said, " No, I'm your son's Math Teacher."


Oooops!!    ;)


หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 25 สิงหาคม, 2006, 11:29:42 PM


Like The Way You Think



Teacher:- "Right, there are five birds sitting on a telephone line. A farmer comes along with his gun and shoots one of them. How many are left?"

Little Johnny:- "None Miss".



Teacher:- "Could you tell me why?"

Little Johnny:- "Well Miss, when the farmer shot the bird, the sound of the gun would have frightened the other birds away".



Teacher:- "Well, the answer I was looking for was four. But I like your thinking."





Little Johnny:- "Miss, while we're asking questions, could I ask you one?"

Teacher:- "Its a bit irregular, but go on then"




Little Johnny:- "There are three women sitting on a bench in the park, eating ice lollies. One of them is licking the lolly; one is biting it; and one is putting it in and out of her mouth. Which one is married?"



Teacher (rather embarrassed):- "Err... I suppose it was the last one."





Little Johnny:- " Well I'd have said the one with the wedding ring. But I like your thinking."   ;)







หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 25 สิงหาคม, 2006, 11:34:50 PM


On The Balcony


Joe and Wanda had a small apartment in the city and they decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their ten-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighbourhood activities.


To a young boy, they thought, spying would be a lot of fun and would distract him for an hour or so.

The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation.


"There`s a car being towed from the parking lot," he said.

"An ambulance just drove by."



A few moments passed.

"Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out.


"Matt`s riding a new bike and the Coopers are making whoopie."


Mom and Dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father asked.





" Their kid is standing out on the balcony too,"  his son replied.



หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 25 สิงหาคม, 2006, 11:37:28 PM


Staying Fat


A little boy wakes up three nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound coming from his parents' bedroom. Finally, one morning he goes to his mom and says,

"Mommy, every night I hear you and daddy making noise and when I look in you're bouncing up and down on him."



His mom is taken by surprise and says. "Oh... well I'm bouncing on his stomach because he's fat and that makes him thin again."



The boy says, "That won't work."


His mom says, "Why?"






The boy replies. "Because the lady next door comes by after you leave each day and blows him back up!"  



หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 25 สิงหาคม, 2006, 11:39:41 PM


Dog In Heat


A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?"
Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat."

"What's that mean?" asked the child.
"Go ask your father", answered the mother, "I think he's in the garage."


The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you."


Dad said, "Bring Belle over here." He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it and said,

"Okay, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time around the block."



The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.

Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"







The little girl said, " She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home."

หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 25 สิงหาคม, 2006, 11:52:58 PM


Tough Operation



Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other outside an operating room. The first kid leans over and asks, “What are you in here for?”

The second kid says, “I’m in here to get my tonsils out, and I’m a little nervous.”



The first kid says, “You’ve got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up, they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It’s a breeze.”





The second kid then asks, “What are you here for?”

“A circumcision,” the first kid answers.



“Whoa!” the second kid says.







“ Good luck, buddy. I had that done when I was born. I couldn’t walk for a year.”  




หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 25 สิงหาคม, 2006, 11:58:33 PM


Asking Mommy



Little Johnny and her mother were out and about. Little Johnny, out of the blue, asked her mother,

"Mommy, How old are you?" The mother responded,

"Honey, women don't talk about their age. You'll learn this as you get older.




Little Johnny then asked, "Mommy, how much do you weight?"

Her mother responded again, "That's another thing women don't talk about. You'll learn this too, as you grow up."



Little Johnny still wanting to know about her mother, then fires off another question, "Mommy, Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"

The mother, a little annoyed by the questions, responded,

"Honey, that is a subject that hurts me very much, and I don't want to talk about it now."




The Little Johnny , frustrated, sulks until he is dropped off at a friend's house to play. He consults with his friend about him and her mother's conversation.

 His friend says, "All you have to do is sneak and look at your mother's driver's license. It's just like a report card from school. It tells you everything."



Later, the Little Johnny and her mother are out and about again. The Little Johnny starts off with,

"Mommy, Mommy, I know how old you are, You're 32 years old."


The mother is very shocked. She asks, "Sweetheart, how do you know that?"



The Little Johnny shrugs and says, "I just know. And I know how much you weight. You weight 130 pounds."

"Where did you learn that?", said the mother again.





The Little Johnny says, "I just know. And I know why you and daddy got a divorce.









You got an "F" in sex."




หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 09 กันยายน, 2006, 08:51:40 PM

From  http://www.jokesgallery.com (http://www.jokesgallery.com)


3 Viagras


A man goes to his doctor and says. "Doc, I have a problem. My girlfriend is sleeping over this Friday, my ex-wife is sleeping over this Saturday and my wife is coming home Sunday. I need 3 Viagra pills to satisfy all 3 of them.

The doctor says "You know 3 Viagra pills 3 nights in a row is pretty dangerous for a man of your age. I will give them to you on the condition that you return to my office on Monday so that I can check you out."

The man says "You have a deal Doc."

Monday morning the man returns with his arm in a sling.

The doctor says "What happened"?









The man answered " Nobody Showed UP! "  






หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 09 กันยายน, 2006, 08:55:18 PM



Barrel Statisfaction


In days of old, this young sailor was about to sign up for a 6-month trip on a sailing ship. He asked the captain about sex life, since there would be no women on the ship.

"Don' ye worry about it, lad. We'll make sure your needs are taken care of."



After about 2 weeks at sea, the lad had a bone that wouldn't go away, so he went to ask the captain how to take care of it.


"Aye, lad, 'ere's ya key. Go open up the door under the ladder. In there you'll find a barrel, take the bung out of the hole and insert your manhood. I think you'll find this arrangement satisfactory."



The lad went down, opened the door, removed the bung, inserted his prick and got his rocks off in record time. In fact, it was SO good he asked for the key the next five nights in a row.




On the sixth night, the captain said,





" Not tonight, laddie; it's your turn in the barrel."  






หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 19 กันยายน, 2006, 10:30:48 PM


http://www.jokesgallery.com (http://www.jokesgallery.com)



Neglected Bills


Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two-week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary. Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces,

" Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives ! "



Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island.


An hour later Abe turns to his wife and asks, " Esther, did we pay our $5,000 PBS pledge check yet? "

"No, sweetheart," she responds.



Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, "Esther, did we pay our American Express card yet?"

"Oh, no! I'm sorry. I forgot to send the check," she says.



"One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send checks for the Visa and MasterCard this month?" he asks.

"Oy, forgive me, Abie," begged Esther. "I didn't send that one, either."



Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years. Esther pulls away and asks him,

"What was that for?"








Abe answers, " They'll find us ! "  


หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 19 กันยายน, 2006, 10:33:58 PM
World Domains
Everyone knows that if you are going to operate a business in today’s world you need a domain name. It is advisable to look at the domain name selected as other see it and not just as you think it looks. Failure to do this may result in situations such as the following (legitimate) companies who deal in everyday humdrum products and services but clearly didn’t give their domain names enough consideration:



1. A site called ‘Who Represents‘ where you can find the name of the agent that represents a celebrity. Their domain name… wait for it… is www.whorepresents.com

2. Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at  www.expertsexchange.com

3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at www.penisland.net

4. Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at www.therapistfinder.com

5. Then of course, there’s the Italian Power Generator company… www.powergenitalia.com

6. And now, we have the Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New South Wales: www.molestationnursery.com

7. If you’re looking for computer software, there’s always www.ipanywhere.com

8. Welcome to the First Cumming Methodist Church. Their website is www.cummingfirst.com

9. Then, of course, there’s these brainless art designers, and their whacky website: www.speedofart.com

10. Want to holiday in Lake Tahoe? Try their brochure website at www.gotahoe.com



หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 20 กันยายน, 2006, 09:27:44 PM


Old Fire Truck



A mighty fire had been raging at a Texas oil refinery. Fire engines from all around had tried in vain to get close enough to the fierce blaze to put it out, but the heat was so intense that no one could even get near the burning oil and gas. Hundreds of fire trucks from far and wide had been called and now they all just sat wondering what to do.


Suddenly, an old fire engine from a tiny fire company appeared in the distance. It was the only truck from a tiny town and had been driving all night in response to this alarm. To the amazement of all of the firemen, the tiny truck sped right past the other fire engines and came to a leisurely halt right at the base of the fire. The men in the tiny truck leaped out, doused themselves with water from their own hoses, and proceeded to extinguish the fire.


The next dat at an awards ceremony for the 6 heoic men of the tiny fire company, the Governor presented the fire chief with a check for $20,000.


"What do you think your fire company will do with such a large amount of money?", asked the Governor.




"Well," replied the old fire chief,







" the first thing we're gonna do with it is fix the brakes on that old truck! "  




หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 20 กันยายน, 2006, 09:40:47 PM


4 Weeks




A Bible study group was discussing the unforeseen possibility of their sudden death. The leader of the discussion said,

" We will all die some day, and none of us really know when, but if we did we would all do a better job of preparing ourselves for that inevitable event."

"Everybody nodded their heads in agreement with this comment."




Then the leader said to the group, "What would you do if you knew you only had 4 weeks of life remaining before your death, and then the Great Judgment Day?"


A gentleman said, " I would go out into my community and minister the Gospel to those that have not yet accepted the Lord into their lives."

"Very good!" ,said the group leader, and all the group members agreed, that would be a very good thing to do.



One lady spoke up and said enthusiastically, "I would dedicate all of my remaining time to serving God, my family, my church, and my fellow man with a greater conviction."

"That's wonderful!" the group leader commented, and all the group members agreed, that would be a very good thing to do.



But one gentleman in the back finally spoke up loudly and said,

"I would go to my mother-in-laws house for the 4 weeks."


Everyone was puzzled by this answer, and the group leader ask,

"Why your mother-in-laws home?"




Then the gentleman smiled sarcastically and said,









 " Because, that would be the longest 4 weeks of my life! "



หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 06 ตุลาคม, 2006, 02:08:53 PM


 World after 10 years because of INTERNET  

หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 06 ตุลาคม, 2006, 02:10:02 PM


   ;)

หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 06 ตุลาคม, 2006, 02:11:20 PM

  :)

หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 06 ตุลาคม, 2006, 02:12:06 PM
 
 ^-^

หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 06 ตุลาคม, 2006, 02:12:50 PM


  :D

หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 07 ตุลาคม, 2006, 10:41:42 PM

http://www.jokesgallery.com (http://www.jokesgallery.com)



New Job




Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide that she'll become a hooker.


She's not quite sure what to do, so Harry says,

" Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him that you charge a hundred bucks. If you got a question, I'll be parked around the corner."



She's standing there for 5 minutes when a guy pulls up and asks, "How much?" She says, "A hundred dollars."


He says, "All I got is thirty". She says, "Hold on," and runs back to Harry and asks, "What can he get for thirty?"

"A hand job", Harry reply.






She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty dollar is a hand job. He agrees. She gets in the car. He unzips his pants, and out pops this HUGE ......


She stares at it for a minute, and then says, "I'll be right back."




She runs back to Harry, and asks,







" Can you loan this guy seventy bucks ?"  


หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 12 ตุลาคม, 2006, 09:55:30 PM


อย่าคิดมาก!!!!!!!!


 ลูกชาย : พ่อครับ ทำไมของผมไม่เหมือนของพ่อเลยครับ
 
 พ่อ : เหมือน แต่เล็กกว่าของพ่อเท่านั้นเอง

 ลูกชาย : สั้นกว่า แล้วขนก็น้อยกว่าของพ่อด้วย

 พ่อ : เฮ้ย...มีใช้ก็แล้วกันน่า

 ลูกชาย :   ไม่เอา...ผมอายเพื่อน







 พ่อ : เออ.... แล้วพ่อจะซื้อให้ใหม่ รีบ ๆ แปรงเข้าน่ะ



 ..........บอกแล้วว่าอย่าคิดมาก..................


หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 23 ตุลาคม, 2006, 09:24:55 AM



 Viagra Side Effects



A woman asks her husband if he'd like some breakfast. "Bacon and eggs, perhaps a slice of toast? Maybe a nice sectioned grapefruit, and a cup of fresh coffee?"

He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says, "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."



At lunch time, she asks if he would like something. "A bowl of home made soup, maybe, with a cheese sandwich? Or how about a plate of snacks and a glass of milk?"

Again he declines. "No, thanks. It's this Viagra," he says, "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."



At dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat, offering to go to the cafe and buy him a burger supper.
"Or would you rather I make you a pizza from scratch? Or, how about a tasty stir fry? That'll only take a couple of minutes."


Once more, he declines. "Again, thanks, but it's this Viagra. It's really taken the edge off my appetite."



"Well, then", she says,








" Would you mind getting off me? I'm STARVING ! "     ;)







หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 23 ตุลาคม, 2006, 09:32:27 AM
 
 ;)

หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 30 ตุลาคม, 2006, 11:16:10 PM


 From Khun Anond  Intania 61



Q: What is the similarity between men and rats?
A: Both keep searching for new holes.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ----

Q: What is the closest thing similar to a woman's period?
A: Your salary, it comes once a month lasts about 5- days and if it doesn't come, it means you are in big trouble.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ----

Q: What's the difference between biology and sociology?
A: When the baby looks like his dad or mom, then it is biology. When the baby looks like the neighbor, then it is sociology.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ----

Q: What's the height of recycling?
A: Sending a sanitary napkin for dry cleaning.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ----

Q: Doctor: You look so weak & exhausted.  Are you having 3 meals a day as I have advised?
A: Lady:     Doctor, I thought you said 3 males a day.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ----

Q: Girl friend & boy friend go for a movie. In the dark, mosquito enters the girl's skirt.
     Guess where it would have  bitten?!!!!! !!!!!!!

A: The boy friend's hand.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ----

Q: Tarzan and the animals went to the river to take a bath. Tarzan removed his clothes. All the animals laughed.
     Tarzan asked " Why " ?

A:  The animals told him.  " Your tail is in front ".
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ----

Q:  Secret of long life
A:  Morning two eggs, evening two pegs.. and night two legs
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ----

 ;)




หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 01 พฤศจิกายน, 2006, 04:55:26 PM


KIDS IN GRADE SCHOOL THINK FAST


TEACHER    : Why are you late?
WEBSTER      : Because of the sign.
TEACHER       : What sign
WEBSTER      : The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."

_____________


TEACHER   : Cindy, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
CINDY         : You told me to do it without using tables!

_____________

TEACHER   : Jo, how do you spell "crocodile?"
JOHN           : K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L"
TEACHER   : No, that's wrong
JOHN           : Maybe it's wrong, but you asked me how I spell it!
_____________


TEACHER   : What is the chemical formula for water?
SARAH      : H I J K L M N O!!
TEACHER    : What are you talking about?
SARAH        : Yesterday you said it's H to O!
______________


TEACHER  : George, go to the map and find North America.
GEORGE     : Here it is!
T EACHER   : Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS       : George!
______________


TEACHER: Willie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WILLIE    : Me!
______________


TEACHER   : Tommy, why do you always get so dirty?
TOMMY      : Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are....
______________


TEACHER   : Ellen, give me a sentence starting with "I."
ELLEN        :  I is...
TEACHER   : No, Ellen..... Always say, "I am."
ELLEN          : All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
_____________


TEACHER    : "Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?"
JOHNNY      : "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day, same time."
 _____________


TEACHER    : "George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn't punish him?"
JOHNNY      : "Because George still had the ax in his hand."

 ______________


TEACHER    : Now, ! Sam, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SAM           : No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
 _______________



TEACHER    : Desmond, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as brother's. Did you copy his?
DESMOND   : No, teacher, it's the same dog!
 ______________


TEACHER    : What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
PUPIL          : A teacher.

    ;)



หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 02 พฤศจิกายน, 2006, 06:54:54 AM

อืม..... อันนี้ อาจจะเคยนำมาลงไว้แล้ว ....  ;)


Funeral Procession


 
A woman was leaving a convenience store with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one.

 

 

Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash.

 

Behind her, a short distance back, were about 200 women walking single file.

 

The woman couldn't stand her curiosity. She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said,

" I am so sorry for your loss",  I know now it is a bad time  to disturb you, but I have never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"

 

 "My husband's."

 

"What happened to him?"

 

The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him."

 
 

She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"

 The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her."

 

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two women.

 



"Can I borrow the dog?"







 
 " Sure, Get in line."





หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 02 พฤศจิกายน, 2006, 07:01:03 AM

Show Off ....

หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 05 พฤศจิกายน, 2006, 07:55:11 PM


http://www.jokesgallery.com/ (http://www.jokesgallery.com/)





Sneaky Diagnosis



A young doctor moved out to a small community to replace the aging doctor there. The older doctor suggested that the younger doctor accompany him as he made his house calls so that the people of the community could become accustomed to him.

At the first house they visited, the younger doctor listened intently as the older doctor and an older lady discussed the weather, their grandchildren and the latest church bulletin.

After some time, the older doctor asked his patient how she had been feeling.

"I`ve been a little sick to my stomach," she replied.

"Well," said the older physician, "you`ve probably been over doing it a bit with the fresh fruit. Why don`t you cut back on the amount of fresh fruit you eat and see if that helps."



As they left the house, the younger doctor asked how the older doctor had reached his diagnosis so quickly.

"You didn`t even examine that woman," the younger doctor stated.



"I didn`t have to," the elder physician explain. "You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there. Well when I bent over to pick it up, I looked around and noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash can. That is probably what has been making her ill."


"That`s pretty sneaky," commented the younger doctor. "Do you mind if I try it at the next house?"

"I don`t suppose it could hurt anything," the elder physician replied.



At the next house, the two doctors visited with an elderly widow. They spent several minutes discussing the weather and grandchildren and the latest church bulletin. After several minutes, the younger doctor asked the widow how she had been feeling lately.

"I`ve felt terribly run down lately," the widow replied. "I just don`t have as much energy as I used to."

"You`ve probably been doing too much work for the church," the younger doctor suggested without even examining his patient.

"Perhaps you should ease up a bit and see if that helps."


As they left, the elder physician said, "Your diagnosis is probably right, but do you mind telling me how you came to that conclusion?"



"Sure," replied the younger doctor.



"Just like you, I dropped my stethoscope on the floor. When I bent down to pick it up, I looked around and there was the preacher hiding under the bed!"





หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 10 พฤศจิกายน, 2006, 07:05:22 AM

 From : Dr. Pongsarn Intania 61


Reunion


Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party.
After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room.


Those who remained talked about their kids.


The first guy said,  " My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday. "


The second guy said,  " Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, and then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday. "


The third man said:  " Well, that's terrific. " My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multi millionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion. "


The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth friend returned from the restroom and asked: "What are all the congratulations for? "
 
One of the three said: " We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. What about your son? "



The fourth man replied:  " My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub."
 
 The three friends said: " What a shame...what a disappointment. "


 The fourth man replied: " No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him. And he hasn't done too badly either......





 His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his 3 boyfriends. "



  ;)



หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Don ที่ 10 พฤศจิกายน, 2006, 09:38:38 AM
It was happen to me years ago..

While we were working on a street for lunch.. with my collegues from Korea and Japan.  Those Korean and Japanese always buff each other as they have a long conflict by history.

The Jap. guy said : Japanese is the greatest, we build any thing faster than any other nation in the world.  We make one car evey 5 minutes.!

Korean,   We make things as fast as you but just half price.!

When we were about to reach the restoraunt, they asked me.. what is that nice looking building.!

Oh... I told them..  It wasn't there yesterday.!

 :whistling
หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 12 พฤศจิกายน, 2006, 08:28:05 AM
 
from Khun Kuntira .... Friend of Intania 61



The day finally arrived. Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven.He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are closed, and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.

St. Peter said, "Well, Forrest, it is certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we have been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven."


Forrest responds, "It sure is good to be here, St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. I sure hope that the test ain't too hard. Life was a big enough test as it was."

St. Peter continued, "Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.

  First: What two days of the week begin with the letter T?

  Second: How many seconds are there in a year?
 
  Third: What is God's first name?"



Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up, and says,

"Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers."


Forrest replied, "Well, the first one -- which two days in the week begins with the letter  "T"?

Shucks, that one is easy. That would be Today and Tomorrow.".



The Saint's eyes opened wide and he exclaimed, "Forrest, that is not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I did not specify, so I will give you credit for that answer. How about the next one?" asked St. Peter.


"How many seconds in a year? Now that one is harder," replied Forrest, but I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve."

Astounded, St. Peter said, "Twelve? Twelve? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"

 Forrest replied,  "Shucks, there's got to be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd ."



"Hold it," interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you are going with this, and I see your point, though that was not quite what I had in mind.....but I will have to give you credit for that one, too. Let us go on with the third and final question. Can you tell me God's first name"?


"Sure," Forrest replied,

"it's Andy."


"Andy?" exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St Peter. "Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two?@questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?"

"Shucks, that was the easiest one of all," Forrest replied.


"I learnt it from the song, "ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM
HIS OWN. "




St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates, and said: "Run Forrest, run."



Give me a sense of humor, Lord. Give me the ability to understand a clean joke, To get some humor out of life, And to pass it on to other folk




  I come to the garden alone, while the dew is still on the roses,
    And the voice I hear, falling on my ear, the Son of God discloses,
    And he walks with me, Andy talks with me, Andy tells me I am his own,
    And the joy we share as we tarry there none other has ever known. 




หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 14 พฤศจิกายน, 2006, 03:41:32 PM


RESUME (Just in case you are looking for a secretary)


Deer Sir,

I waunt to apply for the secritary job what I saw in the paper. I can Type real quik wit one finggar and do sum a counting. I think I am good on  the phone and no I am a pepole person, Pepole really seam to respond to me well.


Iดm lookin for a Jobb as a secritary but it musent be to  complicaited.. I no my spelling is not to good but find that I Offen can get a job thru  my persinalety. My salerery is open so we can discus wat you want to pay  me and wat you think that I am werth, I can start imeditely. Thank you in advanse fore yore anser.


hopifuly Yore best aplicant so farr.


Sinseerly,

Peggy May Starlings


PS : Because my resimay is a bit short - below is a pickture of me  taken at my last jobb.





Employer's response:......


Dear Peggy May,

It's OK honey, we've got spell check you can start ASAP.........   ;)





หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 21 พฤศจิกายน, 2006, 10:16:00 PM


 http://www.jokesgallery.com (http://www.jokesgallery.com)



Convincing Lesson


Two So-Cal guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court before the judge. The judge said,

" You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday. "


Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the first one,
"How did you do over the weekend?"

"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."

"17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?"

"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this:
_
/ \
| | O
\ _ /

and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs."


" That's admirable,"  said the judge.  "And you, how did you do?" (to the 2nd boy)


"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."


"156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that!"





" Well, I used the same two circles. I pointed to the small circle and told them,







" this is your asshole before prison...... "



หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 21 พฤศจิกายน, 2006, 10:20:03 PM


Brave Soldiers



An army Major visiting sick soldiers, goes up to one private and asks

"What's your problem, Soldier?"

"Chronic syphilis, Sir"


"What treatment are you getting?"

"Five minutes with the wire brush each day."


"What's your ambition?"

"To get back to the front, Sir"


"Good man." says the Major.





He goes to the next bad.

"What's your problem, Soldier?"

"Chronic piles, Sir"


"What treatment are you getting?"

"Five minutes with the wire brush each day."


"What's your ambition?"

"To get back to the front, Sir."

"Good man." says the Major.



He goes to the next bed.

"What's your problem, Soldier?"

"Chronic gum disease, Sir."


"What treatment are you getting?"

"Five minutes with the wire brush each day."



"What's your ambition?"








"To get the wire brush before the other two, Sir."

หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 25 พฤศจิกายน, 2006, 10:49:28 PM


$ 65,000 Question




Jane was a first time contestant on the $65,000 quiz show. Lady luck had smiled in her favor, as Jane had a gained substantial lead over her opponents. She even managed to win the game but, unfortunately, time had run out before the show's host could ask her the big question.


Jane agreed to return the following day. Jane was nervous as her husband drove them home.

"I've just gotta win tomorrow.  I wish I knew what the answers are!  You know I'm not going to sleep at all tonight. I will probably look like garbage tomorrow."

"Relax honey," her husband, Roger, reassured her, "It will all be OK."




Ten minutes after they arrived home, Roger grabbed the car keys and started heading out the door.

"Where are you going?" Jane asked.

"I have a little errand to run. I should be back soon."



After an agonizing 3 hour absence, Roger returned, sporting a very wide and wicked grin. "Honey, I managed to get tomorrow's question and answer!"

"What is it?" she cried excitedly.

"OK. The question is  'What are the three main parts of the male anatomy?'  And the answer is 'The head, the heart, and the p*nis.' "


The couple went to sleep with Jane, now feeling at ease, plummeting into a deep slumber.


At 3:30 a.m., however, Jane was shaken awake by Roger, who was asking her the quiz show question. "The head, the heart, and the penis," Jane replied groggily before returning to sleep.

And Roger asked her again in the morning, this time as Jane was brushing her teeth. Once again, Jane replied correctly.



So it was that Jane was once again on the set of the quiz show. Even though she knew the question and answer, she could feel butterflies. The cameras began running and the host, after reminding the audience of the previous days' events, faced Jane and asked the big question.



"Jane, for $65,000, what are the main parts of the male anatomy? You have 10 seconds."



"Hmm, uhm, the head?" she said nervously.

"Very good. " Six seconds."

"Eh, uh, the heart?" "Very good! Four seconds."






"I, uhh, ooooooohh, darn! My husband drilled it into me last night and I had it on the tip of my tongue this morning..."


"That's close enough!" said the game show host, "CONGRATULATIONS!!"




หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 15 ธันวาคม, 2006, 10:12:29 PM



Could Have Been Worse




Frank always looked on the bright side. He would constantly irritate his friends with his eternal optimism. No matter how horrible the circumstance, he would always reply,

" It could have been worse."


To cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a situation so completely bad, so terrible, that even Frank could find no hope in it.


On the golf course one day, one of them said,

" Frank, did you hear about Tom? He came home last night, found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both and then turned the gun on himself!"


"That`s awful," said Frank, "But it could have been worse."



"How in the hell," asked his bewildered friend,  "Could it have been worse?"



"Well," replied Frank,





"If it happened the night before, I`d be dead now!"

หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 15 ธันวาคม, 2006, 10:15:31 PM



http://www.jokesgallery.com/ (http://www.jokesgallery.com/)



Duct Tape



Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what`s wrong.

"Well," replies Paul, "you know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?"

"Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh.



"Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."

"That`s great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?"

"I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul,

"but I was worried I`d get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my p*nis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn`t show."


"Sensible" says Jeff.



"So I get to her door," says Paul,

"and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw."


"And what happened then?"


(Paul slumps back over the bar again.)






" I kicked her in the face."     ;)


หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 15 ธันวาคม, 2006, 10:18:32 PM



Confession


Once, there was a man who was upset by his past deeds that he decided to visit a church and confess all of his sins. When he arrived at the church, he walked to the confession area and spoke to the pastor.

"Father, I am sinful."

"Yes son, just tell me what have you done, the Lord will forgive you."



"Father, I have a steady relationship with my girlfriend, it's been 3 years and nothing serious ever happened between us. Yesterday, I visited her house, nobody was at home except for her sister. We were alone and I slept with her."

"That's bad my boy, fortunately you realize your mistake."



"Father, last week I went to her office to look for her, but nobody was around except for one of her colleagues, so I slept with her too."

"That's not very good of you."



"Father, last month, I went to her uncle's house to look for her, nobody was around except for her auntie, and I slept with her too."




"Father? ......... Father?" suddenly this guy realized that there was no response from the Father, he walked over and discovered that the Pastor was not there. So he began searching for him.

"Father? Where are you?"


He searched high and low, and finally he found him hiding under the table behind the piano.


"Father, why are you hiding here?"






" Sorry son, suddenly I remembered there is nobody around here except me."    ^-^



หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 15 ธันวาคม, 2006, 10:21:00 PM

Angry Shiek


Three guys were on a trip to Saudi Arabia. One day, they stumbled into a harem tent filled with over 100 beautiful women. They started getting friendly with all the women, when suddenly the Sheik came in.

"I am the master of all these women. No one else can touch them except me. You three men must pay for what you have done today. You will be punished in a way corresponding to your profession."



The Sheik turns to the first man and asks him what he does for a living.


"I'm a cop", says the first man.

"Then we will shoot your p*nis off!", said the Sheik.




He then turned to the second man and asked him what he did for a living.

"I'm a firemen", said the second man.

"Then we will burn your p*nis off!", said the sheik.




Finally, he asked the last man, "And you, what do you do for a living?"

And the third man answered,






" I'm a lollipop salesman ! "     :D




หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 15 ธันวาคม, 2006, 10:24:34 PM


Who's Counting



A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to a Thai on an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives.



"Last night I made love to my wife four times," the Frenchman bragged,

"and this morning she made me delicious crepes and told me how much she adored me."




"Ah, last night," the Italian said,

"I made love to my wife six times, and this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never love another man."




When the Thai remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, "And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?"



"Once," he replied.



"Only once!?" the Italian arrogantly snorted while the Frenchman laughed.

"And what did she say to you this morning?"







" She said, 'I guess we had better stop -- it's time to get up. '"     :wiggle




หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 06 มกราคม, 2007, 08:17:08 PM

http://www.jokesgallery.com (http://www.jokesgallery.com)



 Usual Tip



A college pizza delivery boy arrived at the house of Mr.Smith. He delivered the pizza to his trailer.

After giving it to him, Mr. Smith asked: " What is the usual tip? "



" Well, " replied the youth,

" this is my first trip here, but the other guys say if I get a quarter out of you, I'll be doing great. "



"Is that so?" snorted Mr. Smith. " Well, just to show them how wrong they are, here's five dollars."



" Thanks," replied the youth, " I'll put this in my school fund. "



" What are you studying in school? " asked Larry.





The lad smiled and said: " Applied psychology "





หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 06 มกราคม, 2007, 08:22:12 PM



Hiding The Pets


A man and his wife are returning from holiday, while on holiday they decided to buy themselves some pets, he bought a snake while the woman got a skunk.

As they are passing through airport control they notice a sign which says

" NO ANIMALS WILL BE ALLOWED THROUGH QUARANTINE "




Slightly distressed the woman turns to her husband and asks what they should do. After thinking hard for 5 minutes the man come up with a plan

"what I'll do is tie the snake around my waist and try to pretend that it's a snake skin belt"

"Yes" the woman replies "but what about the skunk?"


"I don't know, you'll just have to hide it up your skirt"

"but what about the smell?" the woman asks.




To which the man replies " Look, if it dies it dies ! "




หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 08 กุมภาพันธ์, 2007, 10:57:29 PM


Weather Forecast ....
  ^-^

หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 17 กุมภาพันธ์, 2007, 11:17:56 PM

 http://www.jokesgallery.com/ (http://www.jokesgallery.com/)




Wild Things


An old man sitting at the mall watched a teenager intently. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue.

The old man kept staring at him.



When the teenager was tired of being stared at, he sarcastically asked,

" What's the matter, old man?  Never did anything wild in your life ? "




The old man did not bat an eye when he responded,







"  Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son. "









หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 17 กุมภาพันธ์, 2007, 11:24:07 PM


 Alcohol Honesty


A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she had selected the following items: A half-gallon of 2% milk, A half carton of eggs, A quart of orange juice, A small head of romaine lettuce, A 2-pound can of coffee, And a 1-pound package of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.


While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, " You must be single. "


The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said

" Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that ? "


The drunk replied,






" Cause you're ugly . "


หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 19 กุมภาพันธ์, 2007, 11:37:21 PM

 Accepting The Commandments




God offered his tablet of commandments to the world. He first approached the Italians.

"What commandments do you offer?" they said.

He answered, "Thou shalt not murder."

They answered " Sorry, we are not interested. "




Next he offered it to the Romanians.

"What commandments do you offer?" they said.

He answered, "Thou shalt not steal."

They answered, "Sorry, we are not interested."





Next he offered them to the French.

"What commandments do you offer?" they asked.

"Thou shalt not covet they neighbors wife."

"Sorry we are not interested," they answered.



Finally he approached the Jews.

" How much? " they asked.

" It's free," he answered.







"We'll take ten!"     ;)




หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 20 มีนาคม, 2007, 10:59:50 PM


 Too Enthusiastic


An enthusiastic door-to-door vacuum salesman goes to the first house in his new territory. He knocks, a real mean and tough looking lady opens the door, and before she has a chance to say anything, he runs inside and dumps cow patties all over the carpet.


He says, "Lady, if this vacuum cleaner doesn't do wonders cleaning this up, I'll eat every chunk of it."

She turns to him with a smirk and says, "You want ketchup on that?"

The salesman says, "Why do you ask?"


She says,





"We just moved in and we haven't got the electricity turned on yet."






หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 01 มิถุนายน, 2007, 09:46:33 PM


 รู้แล้วว่า ทำไม Porche ถึงน่าใช้กว่า Nissan   8)

หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 04 มิถุนายน, 2007, 03:39:01 PM


from Dr.Pongsan - Intania 61


สับคู่  


สามีภรรยาสองคู่เป็นเพื่อนซี้สนิทสนมกันมานาน  ได้ไปพักตากอากาศที่ภูเก็ตด้วยกัน ทั้งสี่คนมีความสุขมาก

ได้กินอาหารทะเลสดๆ เหล้ายาไม่อั้น  ในวงสนทนาผสมสุราคืนหนึ่ง ชายหนึ่งในสองก็ถามขึ้นว่า

" พวกเราเคยได้ยินเรื่องสับคู่มั้ย เดี๋ยวนี้ได้ข่าวว่ามีมากเหมือนกันนะ พวกเราคิดยังไง "



เรื่องนี้ทำให้ทุกคนตื่นเต้นไปตามๆ กัน มีการอภิปรายถึงเรื่องนี้พอสมควร  ในที่สุดทุกคนก็ตัดสินใจที่จะลองสับคู่กันดู............ ......... ....!



หลังจากสองชั่วโมงผ่านไป มีเสียงผู้ชายพูดกับคู่นอนคนใหม่ของตัวว่า


" เราไม่เคยมีความสุขอย่างนี้มาก่อนเลย

















 นี่ไม่รู้ว่าเมียๆ ของเราจะสนุกเหมือนกับเรามั้ย "  K)






หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 12 มิถุนายน, 2007, 11:02:47 PM
from Khun Sirakorn - friend of Intania 61


REMEMBER WHEN YOU WERE A KID AND YOUR PARENTS LINED YOU UP AGAINST A DOOR FRAME TO MARK HOW TALL YOU WERE AND DATED THE MARK?



WELL THIS CARTOON BRINGS A WHOLE NEW PERSPECTIVE TO THAT EXERCISE :-)




LAUGHTER WILL KEEP YOU YOUNG AT HEART ...    :D

(http://<a href="http://hiddenrhino.multiply.com/photos/photo/11/21"><img border="0" src="http://images.hiddenrhino.multiply.com/image/2/photos/11/500x500/21/HDDVD%20K001.jpg?et=WRbB6Vmddw8mWql877Jg5Q"></a>)


<img border="0" src="http://images.hiddenrhino.multiply.com/image/2/photos/11/500x500/21/HDDVD%20K001.jpg?et=WRbB6Vmddw8mWql877Jg5Q"> (http://hiddenrhino.multiply.com/photos/photo/11/21)
หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 10 กรกฎาคม, 2007, 10:04:31 PM


 

    Before the marriage:


    He: Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait.

    She: Do you want me to leave?

    He: NO! Don't even think about it.

    She: Do you love me?

    He: Of course!

    She: Have you ever cheated on me?

    He: NO! Why you even asking?

    She: Will you kiss me?

    He: Yes!

    She: Will you hit me?

    He: No way! I'm not such kind of person!

    She: Can I trust you?




     

    Now after the marriage you can read it from bottom to the top !



หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 25 กรกฎาคม, 2007, 10:37:43 AM

More Peanuts 


A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.


After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about five more times.


When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady,

"Why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?".



"We can't chew them because we've no teeth", she replied.


The puzzled driver asks,  "Why do you buy them then?"





The old lady replied,

"We just love the chocolate around them."


หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 01 สิงหาคม, 2007, 11:43:09 AM

Questions You Would Never Guess the Answers  


Q: What is the similarity between men and rats?
A: Both keep searching for new holes.


Q: What is the closest thing similar to a woman's period?
A: Your salary, it comes once a month lasts about 5- days and if it doesn't come, it means you are in big trouble.

Q: What's the difference between biology and sociology?
A: When the baby looks like his dad or mom, then it is biology. When the
baby looks like the neighbor, then it is sociology.


Q: Doctor: You look so weak & exhausted. Are you having 3 meals a day as I have advised?
A: Lady: Doctor, I thought yo u said 3 males a day.

Q: Girl friend & boy friend go for a movie. In the dark, a mosquito enters the girl's skirt. Guess where it would have bitten?
A: The boy friend's hand.

Q: Tarzan and the animals went to the river to take a bath. Tarzan removed his clothes. All the animals laughed. Tarzan asked "Why"?
A: The animals told him. "Your tail is in front".

.
from Khun Chamaimas - Friend of Intania 61
หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 02 สิงหาคม, 2007, 09:57:10 PM

New Seat Belt Law
Becomes effective April 15, 2007

____ ______________________________________

New Seat Belt Law

The national Highway Safety Council has done extensive testing on a newly designed seat belt. Results show that accidents can be reduced by as much as 45% when the belt is properly installed. Correct installation is illustrated below.......

This is very Important , please pass on to friends and family.

 
 
 
THIS MAY SAVE A LIFE!
หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 16 กันยายน, 2007, 11:07:14 AM
from Dr. Ponsarn Intania 61


I'm a total golf nut

 


Ed and Dorothy met while on a cruise, and Ed fell head over heels in love with her. On the last night of his vacation, the two of them went to dinner and had a serious talk about how they would continue their relationship.

"It's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut," Ed said to his lady friend. "I eat, sleep and breathe golf, so if that's a problem, you'd better say so now."

Dorothy responded, "If we're being honest with each other, here goes...I'm a hooker."


"I see," Ed replied, and was quiet for a moment.






Then he added, "You know, it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you tee off."


หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 27 กันยายน, 2007, 11:14:06 AM
 ** เรื่องนี้ อาจจะมีคำไม่สุภาพ ขออภัยด้วยนะครับ ***



Locate the town on the map right below the words UPPER AUSTRIA …

The newspaper article is even funnier than the sign!!
หัวข้อ: Re: Jokes Archive.....
เริ่มหัวข้อโดย: Hidden RH1N0 ที่ 27 กันยายน, 2007, 11:15:31 AM
 N]